I have a special Bluesky account that lets me actually see everyone looking at this post. And, uh, you’ve got some interesting undies….

I traveled all the way to Wisconsin for this orgy

Want to tell my friend he doesn’t take criticism well but it’s tough considering he doesn’t take criticism well.

Gimme the beat boys and free my soul I wanna get a frosted cinnamon roll And drift away 🎶

I usually think twice before I think

It was the best of times, it was the black licorice of times

“Gettin’ the gang back together!” - Me pretending I’ve had enough friends throughout the course of my life to constitute a gang

i use the notes app to keep track of my various grievances and now the phone is out of storage

If I say I can’t be annoyed, I’m already annoyed.

Just filled up my car with gas. Now I need to tell the fam we can’t afford dinner one night this week.

Going to the amusement park today hopefully I’ll get flung out of a roller coaster or something.

T is a nature lover, so went on a little road trip for a walk in the woods. I must like her, because I didn’t leave her there

Starting to suspect I've acquired a cursed artifact or two

Them: You ok? Me: I did it. I finished a roll of Kirkland parchment paper

I know a great joke about procrastination. Maybe I’ll tell it later.

A Netflix style skip intro button but for workdays.

When in doubt, take a nap.

I see you’re really trying. Please regard my like as an A for effort.

In Australia, med students do their rotations in the opposite direction.

I don’t believe in sex before or after marriage.

Sometimes you’re the pigeon, sometimes you’re the statue

We’re celebrating 25 years of marriage! And 17 or 18 years of being in love!

*takes a shot of chocolate milk & slams the glass down* you trying to start shit with me?

If my neighbors don’t stop having loud sex I’m going to join them and then they’ll really have something to scream about.

I will throat punch anyone who calls pizza fast food and not a delicacy!

Going to Home Depot on a Sunday morning to look at paint samples and lighting like some kind of old married couple

I put French dressing on my salad, and now it's wearing a beret and questioning my choice of wine.

Did you know that if AC changes "office" to "orifice" in your email you get to meet the folks in HR?

The Wizard of Oz set very unrealistic expectations of tornadoes.

The Sin of this Sunday is believing that you should only have sex with one person at a time...

[my wife reading my celebrity cheat list] Mr. Bean isn't a real person

Nipples are just intrusive thoughts trying to escape your body

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the hula hoop at home tomorrow

Awake at 5:30 on a Sunday. Living the most sick and twisted dream.

If I don't keep posting, how will I stay irrelevant?

dentist: open up, please. me: i think my mom is having an affair with my high school gym teacher.

I wish i loved anything as much as hotdogs love to be eaten by me

putting ravioli on garlic bread and calling it pizza

Being the only one who can prevent forest fires is stressing me out.

Just saw my neighbour pissing into his van, so I guess I’m not the craziest person on my street.

Hey you two, break it up we’re all trying to be miserable here.

I’d post a selfie but I’m pretty sure people are trying to eat.

shout out to hummingbirds for also celebrating happy hour. they get it

Mike’s Hard Look at Himself In the Mirror

Yes that is going to leave a mark, but it will be the only proof I was there.

if you wear your hair in a top knot to the movies I am legally allowed to cut it off so I can see

So insomnia and acid reflux walk into a bar…

Would cry here again. 5 stars - me, in the shower

my only regret is having no regrets

Try a little kindness, bitches.