Anytime I see a woman wearing glasses I want to bang her on a stack of books Coincidentally, that’s how I got banned from the library

I can't believe you're posting jokes about Arby's bathrooms My dad killed himself in an Arby's bathroom

So I was sitting there, barbecue sauce on my titties

the lingerie section of that mall department store should be called IntiMacy's

That's the last time I'll open the fridge door without knocking . . . it's scary in there.

wait, is it “blowjobbed” or “blewjob”? i don’t want any embarrassing mistakes in my cover letter

Sorry I hogged the only available restroom at Arby’s for a half an hour. It’s just that I ate Arby’s.

my wife and i decided to do the hall pass thing she picked the mailman so i have also picked the mailman game on

press your luck juke box but it’s all Last Christmas

The five stages of grief but it's just me realizing I have to leave my house

Pockets are excellent for carrying hands

I’ve held doors open for people I should’ve pushed off a cliff

Who you are at a 4 way stop is the real you.

Too stupid to be successful. Too smart to be happy.

I’m a hard working lazy person.

Anyone ever tell you you have beautiful lies?

All pants are sweatpants if you try hard enough.

Weird how boobs get underwires but balls don’t. They both suffer from gravity’s ravages no?

The Butt-Head in me recognizes the Beavis in you

Home is where the water doesn't taste funny straight from the tap.

Sorry I can’t come in tomorrow, boss. I am not feeling too good* *i fucked up my back doing dishes

where they put all the crusts from the uncrustables?

Asking a rhetorical question on Bluesky is just a dare, right?

It was a Muppet murder mystery

The Cure makes me think of either old girlfriends or hair product. There is no in-between

Me: so what kind of guy are you looking for? Date: someone who’s big, strong, healthy and has a green thumb Me: you just described the jolly green giant

You’re family now, they warned

Vibing is just me quietly drinking my morning coffee

sorry i’m late, i was busy lamenting over the fact that i didn’t die in my sleep. AGAIN.

Plot twist: rats and spiders are repulsed by us

no fucking way a goat made this cheese. bro, this is fire

Sure, sex is great, but have you ever tried a new recipe and it turned out flawless?

Flavor Flav is short for Flavorful Riboflavin

sure sex is great but have you ever told someone how you actually feel

I'm no one's cup of tea. I'm hoping to be someone's glass of tang, though

MTV’s Cribs but it’s spiders showing off their webs.

Bro have you even tried being whimsical about it?!

it probably feels so good to do something with your life

Your honor, I'd like to use the "I know you are but what am I" defense

Not now babe, I'm sorting my pills for the week

I'm always super careful with my whispers, actually.

gonna emoji you like it's an aol chatroom in the 90s

Wanna come over and listen to my California Raisins record tonight babe?

Why is ham the only thing that gets honey glazed around here?

who wanna buy some nudes? i’m tryna make enough to have a pint of ben and jerry’s delivered

Creep by Radiohead is my favourite song about that guy in your DMs.

my father never hugged me but one time he wrapped his arms around me to drag me away from a piece of cake he wanted

Wanna find heart shaped rocks and throw them at each other..affectionately.

Showing my love by shaving my balls on the Coney Island Cyclone

Let’s celebrate our life together by giving me a blowjob