Sometimes the simplest motivation to shower is you just crapped your pants

I need help, and by help i mean nachos

slam poetry is where i get to beat you nerds up, right??

I’m an OG mutha fuckin’ gangsta just please don’t tell my mom.

I bought your deodorant so I can smell like you. Please respond.

What do you know, Your Honor? You literally weren’t even there.

snot is the cum of a sneeze

look, the sign says “free range chicken” cashier: sir, you still have to pay for it

(Me, tempting fate) Do it, you fucking pussy!

I knew my girlfriend for 20 years before we went on our first date I like to take things slow

Pharmaceutical grade potatoes for dinner

Wife: *puts summer sausage in shopping cart* Me: But you've barely touched my winter sausage!

Cinderella is short for Cindy Mozzarella

why does “You’ve read your last free article.” always feel like a death threat

While at work, I always feel more productive with a pen or pencil in my hand, regardless if I use it or not.

If eating pie is an option, I’m eating pie.

So we all agree, speakerphone conversations make you a public nuisance.

My buddy Frank has nice tits

When do you know if it’s time to let yourself go? Or does it just happen without you ever knowing it?

Nothing says "I'm thinking of you" quite like masturbation.

There once was a man from Nantucket … …who lived a fairly normal life and would REALLY APPRECIATE YOU NOT TALKING ABOUT HIM ALL THE TIME!

I love texting because I don’t have to use any of the muscles in my face.

I just went dark mode and now I'm being chased by goth kids.

If only you could do all the things without getting up off the sofa.

I’m full of coffee and donuts, time to do some work

sure would be cool if you’d follow me back -a bsky memoir

actually, i was speaking to your cute butt. now if you'll excuse us, we have business to attend to.

Not every relationship is worth curing.

amazing to think how Sesame Street all began with one sesame seed

My new year's resolution to stop making old people noises is NOT going well.

Curly haired girls should get a weekly holiday just to get their hair brushed

Remember when we used to ask if people were single and now we just don’t care any more because everything is hell.

On this day, a year ago, I was probably doing the same thing I’m doing now. Eating cheese.

a molotov cocktail would hit the spot rn.

Did the Seahawks win the Olympics?

Cats hold grudges. Always keep that in mind.

My neighbors with the open curtains need to do cooler stuff. They aren’t very fun to watch.

Last night I screamed in my sleep, startling my girlfriend and the cats right out of bed. Sometimes having PTSD can be pretty amusing

drones are the future? fuck that. i want a flying car from the jetsons that makes that little purring sound lol

Why can’t a black hole just open up and take me right now?

It’s bitterly cold outside… like a room full of angry ex-wives

My secret wish is to be able to sneeze without sounding like I’m yelling at someone in the other room. —You know the sneeze I mean. The one that makes the dog hide.

they should invent hairs that do not turn gray

life is just doing dishes and laundry until you feel the sweet embrace of death

missed connection: You just finished at self checkout & walked away. Being next, I stepped up & right into your fart. I could tell you had fried chicken at some point. I also enjoy fried chicken. Maybe someday…

Superman has the fortress of solitude. I have the basement guest bathroom.

Anyone else use their Stanley cup to pee in?

May I suggest you not be so fucking dumb

Beware those who use all caps in their bios

Thats it! I hurt myself standing up. The end is near.