There’s a difference between people who want to fuck you and people who want to make you cum.

No revenge because I love so deeply that you will look for me in everyone you ever cross paths with for the rest of your days on this earth.

What do we do once we’ve done it?

Follow Friday But they better follow back by Mute ‘em Monday

Damn girl are you Apple’s FaceID cuz when I looked at you acted like you didn’t even see me at first til I got all up in front and made sure

You can lead a horse to water and you can also then be like “Hey Horse, watch THIS” then do a bunch of surfing

Opposites attract so if you’re dating someone who is pretty fucking smart, guess what that means

Eat chocolate cake and go to the gym bitch

Bad Cop: Looks like we're going to have to pay someone "a little visit" Mrs. Doubtfire Cop: Oooooo, a visit. How lovely Dear, I'll make tea

All we want is to smoke drink fuck fight and eat whatever we want with zero consequences What are scientists even working on?

Eating my pain like Popeye eats me spinach

Keep your salt I like pepper and spice

Calories are my friends And anyone talkin trash about my friends,.. can suck my dick, Bitch

Yes there's candy in my white van but it's got a lift kit and big wheels so you can’t get in unless yer old enough to roll with the big dawg

I keep doing random karate for no reason Doesn’t make any sensei

Whenever people move their hands a lot while talking I just start doing the Steven Segal fast karate hands intimidation moves obnoxiously while they're talking

@bigthinkingcap.bsky.social you’re awesome

sharkira, shakira: thread

I imagine there’s at least one dimension out there where I’m a solid spell-caster

chick deney

Just saw that gen z thinks using cash is cringe and it's official now, everything is cringe.

Girl i wanna motorboat your personality

they always kick you when you’re down. weird flex but okay

It’s almost like my balls aren’t part of my body

I woke up with so many aches and pains that my moaning and groaning inadvertently summoned a demon.

your porn star name is your mother's maiden name and the last four digits of your SSN

your selfie made my friends vagina dry up. my friends a dude.

women would rather get fecal impaction than show a guy she loves him

Baby’s first void

i just took a poop and now I've got the Zoomies

Me, sober: Ham is pretty mid, tbh. Me, drunk: Hey…you got any ham?

And that man’s name? General George America… now you know, the REST of the story.

beavis laugh over the beaver moon

sometimes soft girl, sometimes fire breathing dragon.

me: :( *looks at the moon* me: :)

Hold on, cuz somebody loves you.

Beaver moon, lock up your trees.

Existing??? Again???

Genius camping idea: stay home.

Woke up sanity adjacent again.

*gets a female friend to "accidentally" grope your eyelashes to see if they're real

Throw bologna at me, in the name of love.

Like seriously, everything would be fine if everyone would just drive exactly like I do.

My demons got the flu too now so there’s a lot of hissing and cursing going on in the crypt today.

I guess the therapy worked, my boobs seem to be a bit perkier recently?

Does the moon match the drapes?

nearly a week into November and i still haven’t heard from Wyclef

They have awoken the sleeping dragon and she's tired of their shit.

This should make The Price is Right more interesting