Police: “anything you say will be held against you in a court of law” Me: “tits”

Tomorrow isn’t promised. Flash me today.

Being the only one who can prevent forest fires is stressing me out.

If she bounces on it, that’s for you. If she grinds on it, that’s for her.

Date night finna be lit.

If I were a pokemon. Like a Russachu or some shit. As SOON as I hear “go Russachu!” And get summoned, I’m hitting my so called trainer with a thunder shocker in the B-hole and escaping.

All I know is, I better never catch Chris crossing applesauce again.

Sunscreen is just unfun body lube

If you’re not drinking with me, then I can only assume you’re drinking against me. An act of war!

If whatever entity controlling me in this simulation doesn’t start using some cheat codes, I’m going to lose it.

When you get new shoes as an adult, nobody asks how fast you can run in them. It’s a real problem.

My toxic trait is rolling around in puddles of industrial waste, hoping for super powers.

the j in marijuana might be silent but the j i’m smoking is loud as fuck

I’m going to start handing my kids a d20 and tell them to roll a persuasion check any time they ask for something

@deviwestside.bsky.social your spirit animal went to jail.

Being dope and mean gives me dopamine.

Being dope and mean gives me dopamine.

“It’s not talking shit if it’s the truth” -Devinthians 3:69

the b/g content on my onlyfans is just me face fucking biscuits and gravy

I hate when people say a door is ajar. It’s not a jar, it’s a door. Dumb ass.

Seasonal depression is gone. Regular depression is back! Let’s fucking gooooo!

Dry April isn’t working out for me. It’s more like a moist April.

All ponies are two tricks or more ponies

When do I get my character development?

Gonna start a clothing line. The clothes will be knitted with spaghetti noodles. The brand name will be…. Spagucci.

God dammit! There’s shit on this post!

“Go to bed, you’ll feel better in the morning” is the same thing as “did you try turning it off and on again?”

Bet you can’t keep up

@raindro.bsky.social @russbus38.bsky.social S H O T

if you quote a skeet of my skeet and get more likes than me that’s actually illegal

OnlyFarms but it’s just two tractors touching tips

If we’re both the same person now does that mean you’ll start paying my bills too

Eat crawfish with pussy fingers. Do NOT eat pussy with crawfish fingers. This message brought to you by the wonderful mind of Sweet Russ.

Taking a break from mental health to focus on alcoholism

You trying to get jumped in or nah?

Shot time! Bottoms up! Good girl. Now face down.

Bring back “scallywag”.

Am I popping bottles? No, it’s just the sound my joints make when I stand up

it’s absolutely bullshit how closely related laughing and crying are

what opened today?

i thought the baseball was over last year. you mean they do it again?

turns out i’m the vodka guy

You’re not doing Bsky right if each post isn’t quietly accompanied by crippling self-doubt.

@raindro.bsky.social thought of you

The best defense is, in fact, NOT a good offense. It’s a shield. Thats why they’ve been around for so long

@deviwestside.bsky.social Happy birthday!

Save a horse, ride my face.

Just chaotic. *screams incoherently*

Banana cream could make my banana cream.

The person who invented pie was both a pie owner and a pioneer. A pie-owneer, if you will.