Cardio exercise is important to do so you can identify what dying feels like

they should invent cigarettes that are good for you

Saw Godzilla trending and got excited he might have been destroying my area

I run a fan club. The fan club is for me, and I'm the only member. It's a really toxic fandom though. We really hate that guy.

Time traveling to Dallas on November 22, 1963 and running up to JFK's car, yelling "noooooooo" and diving in slow motion to hold up his nephew in front of him as a shield.

“But if you tax the billionaires they will leave” honestly that is the main point, now, the tax revenue would just be a nice little bonus.

Me: If I were rich, I'd outfit a really nice kitchen and throw dinner parties for all of my friends! Actual rich people: I hunt children for sport

I know this isn't the time for jokes, but also it is precisely the time for jokes

just saw myself in the mirror amazingly, still look like I did in my thirties fucked up

Most of social media right now is making fun of the fact that we are in hell

“Don’t you wish teleportation was real?!” Under capitalism?? Heck no. They’d take a percentage of your molecules out every trip to sustain the lifeforce of some decaying billionaire.

*makes it rain DNRs

huh posting gallows jokes on the internet isn't making me feel any better weird has anyone else experienced this sort of thing

Student loan servicers hate this one simple trick: [dies]

In 2010 I graduated with $25k in student loans. After paying for 15 years I’ve got them down to $37,339.

It was very nice outside today, in a stunning rebuke of current events

[millennial trying to fire a younger coworker] so you lowkey don’t work here anymore, unc

[time traveler arrives] Damn, you guys live like this?

I simply do not understand why aliens don’t want to abduct me

Can people change? Sure! I’m rapidly deteriorating as we speak.

The secret of living in Orlando is to eat all your meals at Disney World because it’s cheaper than Publix.

Every show is about an apocalypse and they’re all cooler than this one.

bro did you seriously not heed the teachings of yore

Learn from mistakes? Sir, I AM a mistake. That other people made.

i will do ridiculous things for money for example today i will use some of my life force to answer emails

I say I’m doing my best but who knows if that’s even true

Living in terrible times but still whining about small annoying things

Friends and family: you need to try and live in the moment Me: ok but like, this moment?

The best thing about air travel is that we haven’t even taken off yet and I already wish I was dead.

I am in no state to resolve anything. Someone should be resolving me.

GOD: if my commandments get 50,000 likes, i will tell Abraham to kill his son

I swear I'm still funny I'm just suffering from the horrors.

Being old is cute until it's annoying. This is true for most funny things though, so I shouldn't mind.

AI is taking over so everything can get more shitty

HER: Listen, I think we should see other people. ME: I don't. We're awful. We should leave other people alone.

Keep the romance alive by never speaking to each other again.

Here’s to posting bad all the time

a fun thing to do is to name your dog your neighbors kids name so you’ll be yelling shit like “HAYDEN!! YOU BITCH! ” when he’s outside barking

Sure, I could be your life coach, if you like doing drugs.

After exhausting all other options, I’ve decided to lose my shit.

This is a hot take but there’s too much stuff on the internet.

I should be able to sue the tobacco company for false advertising. They promised me an early death.

Can't. I'll be having a terrible time at someone else's holiday party

This is the year I buy a busted up brown 1986 Buick Skylark, add a big bow on top and gift my partner a new car on Christmas Day. ❤️

If you see me crossing tasks off a list it means I’ve decided not to do them

God how I love posting near midnight in the pacific time zone thus guaranteeing zero engagement. It’s better than not having sex

Behold my dumpster! I have managed not to set it ablaze!

I'm glad I'm unloveable, makes relationships real easy to navigate

gritty reboot of astrology where all the constellations are homocidal/suicidal creatures and the only thing the stars tell you is to go fuck yourself