No, I don’t remember that big news story. I was watching Lost that year.

Going with the flow.... in a face down in a river kind of way.

why should the universe get to be the only one to implode and explode, to be born anew. i should get to do that

Every day I wake up and don’t find an alligator in my pool. Florida has not met my expectations.

I got so much done today, it was terrible

Doing nothing with my life was actually the dream.

Me: I need this thing! Amazon: add more items for free overnight shipping. Me: [adds 3 other items] Amazon: the thing you need has been delayed but the 3 other items will show ip tomorrow.

Sorry if I'm messing things up this is my first time living through a dystopia

Do angels have cloacas? They’re birds, right?

All these reminders to vote are getting out of hand, I got 250 calls last week, a neighbor keyed “VOTE” in my car, and this morning someone tied a ballot to an arrow and shot me in the dick

Let’s make Dave & Busters into the place you go to cry.

It’s ok, none of this is real

I look unemployed most of the time.

The vast and expansive sadness that is the year of our Lord 2026.

There's absolutely no good goddamn reason for the world to be like this.

Me: Dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there. Me on a date: So here’s everything I know about serial killers.

Virginia's top court declares state now for haters exclusively. Lovers will be shot on sight

New season of Woke Pope now streaming on bsky

We don’t even live in interesting times anymore. Just weird for the sake of weird times. Unappealingly quirky times

Me to my diabetes friends: yooo diabetes is actually sick as fuck Me to my non diabetes friends: diabetes lowkey a bit gay though fr Me to my friends of indeterminate diabetes status: so what kind of diet do you like to have? Lot of sugars and white breads or not really

Great job Manifesting loserism

If I could go back, and do it all over again... *takes a long thoughtful drag off the cigarette I'd be a slut

Imagine being terrible at something you're obsessed with (this is about men and sex)

Just learned that “cheat day” doesn’t mean “all day eating free for all” and I’m devastated

Its not too late for 2026 to be a prank

everyone on teams every morning: GM all! Chase your dreams, and make today amazing!!!✨💖🫶 me: I fall asleep to chernobyl documentaries every night

English is my second language my first language was crying

I will no longer refer to my bad cat as anything other than a crappy-berra

Cardio exercise is important to do so you can identify what dying feels like

they should invent cigarettes that are good for you

Saw Godzilla trending and got excited he might have been destroying my area

I run a fan club. The fan club is for me, and I'm the only member. It's a really toxic fandom though. We really hate that guy.

Time traveling to Dallas on November 22, 1963 and running up to JFK's car, yelling "noooooooo" and diving in slow motion to hold up his nephew in front of him as a shield.

“But if you tax the billionaires they will leave” honestly that is the main point, now, the tax revenue would just be a nice little bonus.

Me: If I were rich, I'd outfit a really nice kitchen and throw dinner parties for all of my friends! Actual rich people: I hunt children for sport

I know this isn't the time for jokes, but also it is precisely the time for jokes

just saw myself in the mirror amazingly, still look like I did in my thirties fucked up

Most of social media right now is making fun of the fact that we are in hell

“Don’t you wish teleportation was real?!” Under capitalism?? Heck no. They’d take a percentage of your molecules out every trip to sustain the lifeforce of some decaying billionaire.

*makes it rain DNRs

huh posting gallows jokes on the internet isn't making me feel any better weird has anyone else experienced this sort of thing

Student loan servicers hate this one simple trick: [dies]

In 2010 I graduated with $25k in student loans. After paying for 15 years I’ve got them down to $37,339.

It was very nice outside today, in a stunning rebuke of current events

[millennial trying to fire a younger coworker] so you lowkey don’t work here anymore, unc

[time traveler arrives] Damn, you guys live like this?

I simply do not understand why aliens don’t want to abduct me

Can people change? Sure! I’m rapidly deteriorating as we speak.

The secret of living in Orlando is to eat all your meals at Disney World because it’s cheaper than Publix.

Every show is about an apocalypse and they’re all cooler than this one.