A turducken but the entire Wendy’s biggie menu

Listen Joanne. Go prey on some other woman’s man

oh my ass? i think you mean my twerk of art

went to the flash mob but didn't see a single boob 🥲

I'd eat less mcdonalds if other restaurants also had a ketchup tap for folks lookin to get wild with their soda

[first date] THEM: so what are you looking for in a relationship ME: can you post my shower thoughts before i forget them

You kids think saying numbers is cool? 67? How 'bout 9/11? Still having fun? Didn't think so.

As you go to work today to start another week, it may help to remember that Skeletor was often thwarted by his own inept henchman too

Storks are terrifying. If one dropped a baby on my doorstep, I would drown that unnatural, demon given thing.

Are you there, Margaret? It's me, god. WHAT IN THE HOLY FUCK IS GOING ON DOWN THERE?

Your crush records an old-school mixtape for you, but it's just 60 straight minutes of dubstep.

You can beat a dead horse, but you can't look at the water in its mouth.

“i am tired of being silenced” says the person who literally can’t shut up

absurd is short for absolute turd

it takes a village people to raise a macho man

If you're not on that first one, don't be cry. I'm making three and it's really difficult finding all my people at 6 am. Here's list two. Some of my best friends aren't on either of these and I know it. Hang in there, it's coming go.bsky.app/3KzRR2m

Finally got home at 3 am after a crazy night hitting three of the hottest new clubs downtown OK that’s a lie I just woke up on my couch after falling asleep watching Wicked for the eighth time

DIVORCE ATTORNEYS HATE THEM! find out how they beat the odds using this ONE WEIRD TRICK!

The Gunpowder Plot (Taylor's version)

gonna start using the word "kumquat" the way the beats used "daddy-o"

Whack-a-mole except they’re real and you feed em a lil treat instead

maybe we just start thinking of it more as a Trolley OPPORTUNITY

fukcing up ai trainnig one psot at a tmie

they should just make carpet out of pet stain remover

this meeting needs a jump to recipe button

If you noticed I’ve been a little quiet the last few days, here’s why! I’ve been frantically trying to track all the bluesky users getting setup on Mastodon. Not leaving bluesky (yet), but to be honest the party is kind of over there right now. Check out the world without CEOsars 🤷‍♂️

honestly i don’t think having a rabbit in a hat with a bat is particularly baller

Axe Grenade is actually my porn name

i need a screaming room why doesn’t my house have a screaming room all residences should have at least one

We really ought to start calling them jimmy hats again.

-5--3--1--8--0--0--8- *nerd sext*

You've made the controversial decision to show them how the sausage is made, horrifying the other diners in the vegan restaurant.

It's been 40 years. Anyone who still has trouble believing it's not butter is living in a fantasy world.

This is about @nahyoudoit.bsky.social btw

Not to be dramatic but if I don’t subtweet a straight up stone cold baddie soon, I think I might die

Making my entire personality about being bitten by a radioactive spider that one time

You never think you’re gonna fist fight a nun but there was only one life preserver left and I have it on good authority they can fly

People will ask you why you’re wearing a fanny pack full of mayonnaise like they don’t have their own business they could be minding

“You have to kiss so many frogs before you find a prince” bro I’m not trying to improve my station I just like the texture

midwestern tetris is when someone confidently tells you something won’t fit in the drink fridge and you have to prove them wrong

My therapist keeps telling me I need to break out of this state of psychosis and I keep telling him I don’t live in New Jersey

not gonna post good until the rest of you do the fucking same

If y’all get tired of this place, find me on Foursquare!

In the nineties sometimes, you’d ask a lady what she wanted to do and she’d respond “shoop” and I never knew what to do after that.

Guys the 7 layer burrito is back on the menu at taco bell so looks like there could be some hope left after all

it's just on vibes but personally i would be afraid to check mr clean's hard drive

another date night ruined because i ordered "unsweetened macaroni and cheese"

The h in chode is silent. The e is not.

Casual sex, but only because my formal clown costume is at the dry cleaners.