"it's always monday somewhere" I say as I pull up a spreadsheet on a friday night

ever since i was a child i knew i just needed five more minutes

when a parent refuses the Vitamin K shot for their baby the hospital makes me come in to get the shot instead, my arm is a mass of weeping, infected injection sites but i grow more powerful every day

using a burst of adrenaline to lift a car off my child and place it on your child

Do rich people in golf carts have the right of way or do you turn up the music and step on the gas they didn’t cover that in driver’s ed

Yes, I am a "prepper" in that I am "prepared" to love my neighbor with a whole heart through the difficult period following society's imminent collapse.

Any of you friendly people move and I'll hug every motherloving last one of ya

The National Anthem is speeding up like when you're running out of time in Super Mario.

If you put on Mall Cop and Dark Side of the Moon at the same time a guy comes out of the TV and gives you a wedgie.

I hope sending you that pic of my dirty mountain dew wasn't too forward

becoming a shinier, glossier version of myself one stick of butter at a time

excuse me? my ass is not grass. my ass is a variety of low-water-requirement flora native to this region and beneficial for the local pollinator populations

edie brickell should have been aware of more things. we all share a moral responsibility to bear witness.

#this 👇

quick, someone get will stancil to say some true things about aaron rodericks

me: *pushing a printer out the window* in honour of the luddites from days of old who saw visions of printer errors they did not understand yet tried to warn us about anyway my boss:

“Is that AI?” I ask oldmaningly

a yawn is when your soul is trying to silent scream its way out of your body

If you need me I'll be eating all the glitter at Michael's

This is a serious site for people concerned about Buttholes

It's better to have the bones and not need them, than to need the bones and not have them

"sincerely attempted but with impressively bad execution" is my favorite genre

my entire platform would be making hello fresh and imperfect foods swap names

That awkward moment when you go on a date and you're you

Romeo & Juliet Extreme Water Ski & Air Stunt Show

fuckboi scott fitzgerald was his full name

r/Advice: Accidentally ate some roadkill and it gave me x-ray vision, except for potatoes, I can’t see inside those has anyone else ever have this happen??? TYIA

I hate it when I’m arguing with someone in my head and it gets so heated that I start saying it out loud. Really makes for an awkward baptism.

everyone on teams every morning: GM all! Chase your dreams, and make today amazing!!!✨💖🫶 me: I fall asleep to chernobyl documentaries every night

laurels actually provide fantastic neck and lumbar support

I AM THE ARM AND I SOUND LIKE THIS (stirring macaroni and cheese sounds)

Pie as a Vegetable

Me, tending to my fucks: no, you can't have any

i'd eat more corn dogs if they were lower effort. by the time I peel and destick them i'm usually over it anyway.

You eat a chimichanga, that's the end of your day.

Autocorrect keeps changing selfies to selfish and I'm trying not to read into it that much.

the only way this would be better is if everything was completely different

your toxic trait is trying to merge three joke formats into one wolf in this economy

Bringing a knife to the gunfight because I'll be doing catering

foreskinmaxxing

anyone got any indistinguishable pills rolling around the bottom of your purse you need me to try?

sorry, can't, i'm visiting an old friend* *rereading a favourite book for the umpteenth time

it’s always the ones with big butts and smiles asking you to trust them

this is very funny to me as an out of context repost for some reason

if you unironically use the phrase "rise and grind" and aren't either a coffee cultist or a sex worker, we probably wouldn't get along irl

So hard to get out of bed when it's raining men

Million dollar idea: A Pez dispenser, but for Pringles

I still remember the golden days of Bluesky when it was all wolves, buttholes, and cilantro.

I bet dinosaur malls were MASSIVE

stairway to fuck it i'll just wait for you down here