this rapture sucks

In the BlueSky olden days we’d pack a picnic lunch on Sunday afternoons and saunter down to the mill stream to fire off bangers in our bare feet

Using a geiger counter should be called radioactive listening

r/Advice: Accidentally ate some roadkill and it gave me x-ray vision, except for potatoes, I can’t see inside those has anyone else ever have this happen??? TYIA

X-ray vision must be really cool for people who are super into bones

Nosferatu is the informal. Nosferatusted is the formal.

On your first day, it's important to earn respect by picking a fight with the biggest dude at the orgy.

You're telling me these balls are based?

Fuck nudes, spam me with inspirational slop gifs until my eyes bleed.

The first law of thermodynamics is energy cannot be created or destroyed, only converted from one form to another. The second law of thermodynamics is 𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐫𝐠𝐲 𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐛𝐞 𝐜𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐨𝐫 𝐝𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐨𝐲𝐞𝐝, 𝐨𝐧𝐥𝐲 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐦 𝐭𝐨 𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫.

a grimace so perfect people confuse it for a smile

welcome to the jungle, we’ve got puns (they’re lame)

If you hear something go bump in the night, it’s prob just @trickykat.bsky.social making yet another run for moar choco bunnies

One of the things I like best about food is how expensive it is and how its increasingly likely to kill you because there are like three USDA inspectors left.

Fuck nudes, let your dad show me pics of the basement reno he did in 2006

im such a pro i dont even need to cut onions to cry

You can just add "tober" to the end of any word to imply a connection to Halloween. It doesn't have to be a spooky word. You can do Cuddletober. No one's stopping you.

i’m volunteering at the soup kitchen just absolutely sloshing it everywhere. burning people. they’ve asked me to not come back said i’m “hurting” more than “helping”

Of all the food safety atrocities I have committed in my kitchen, Harold, the hairy, unidentifiable, soy-based, pulsating lump is my most precious one.

i dont mind aging but why does my body have to turn into pudding at the same time

FAFO means things have gone full skirkle

Who called her Mrs Claus and not Sleigh Queen?

what we really need to ban is finger guns im sick of everyone looking so cool all the time

A studio-backed Apocalypse Now! nostalgia sequel that's full of callbacks to original lines, but tweaked so they appeal to a modern audience. The people are demanding it. We can make this happen.

I think porn would be more realistic if there was a disapproving cat in the corner of each room

Do this with your last two emojis 👾 / \ \__🚛 _/ / _//\\

If I call someone a fuckin piece of trash, it's meant lovingly. Try explaining that to HR though.

If it turns out that there’s an afterlife I hope god is an 11 yo w a controller who jumps on my head 3 times and sends me back to do everything over again smol, that would really explain so much

Do this with your last two emojis 🐸 / \ \__✊ _/ / _//\\

Draw a line in the sand. Draw another one. And another one. Okay one more. Now I you've got tic tac toe and oh my god the lines are filled with blood. I don't understand why you are so mad at this beach.

All these losers sitting next to me at the red light just learned that tabouli is fingerfood. I changed lives today. What have you done?

Rancid Peach Meat. Fill a warehouse with peaches and let them rot and ferment. Add worms to the peaches and let them feed. When the worms have had a day or two of fun, remove them and grind them up. The result is an alcoholic burger you eat raw. This is how I made my first million dollars.

Someone should invent more things for people to put gravy on.

me: does morgan fairchild imply the existence of morgan unfair adult husband: please just answer the email about which end table you prefer

A joke can only bomb if it doesn't hit it's target

I always thought that the eating a sleeve of crackers for dinner alone while crying was hyperbole, until

Imagine if your favorite song was never gonna give you up to be so pure and blissfully unaware of the horrors of the modern world I mean can you even imagine

Sliding into a plate glass window at 100 mph on a dirt bike would fix me

Your consciousness walks into a bar. The bar turns into a pirate ship and the bartender, your subconscious, laughs as their trap springs. A giant squid, your id, suddenly breaks the surface and wraps itself around the ship. It winks at you both. The sky lights up with a memory from when you were 2.

When something is beyond moist, you can call it utmoist

Ambling around hospital foodcourts making intense eye contact

I’m getting tired of not being haunted. I need to borrow a ghost

Do you even "yes and" bro?

la croixries la croixrus la croixmini la croixncer leo croix la croixgo la croixbra la croixpio la croixgittarius la croixpricorn la croixuarius pisces

The lesson here is that good intentions make shitty paving material.

“Bake me a cake as fast as you can” is an unhinged demand.

Could everyone else stop manifesting for a sec? Some of my stuff isn't happening.

maybe your home town needs to get out of you more than you need to get out of it