[Big Scream]
@turdfartlet.bsky.social
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Please be nice to me
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Me: It's a dog eat cheese world out there Friend: You mean dog eat dog? Me: Bro have you ever even met a dog?
5 months ago
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Ray
about 5 hours ago
You don't have to use Memorial Day to remember the troops. You can spend the holiday remembering whatever you want, e.g. The Aggro Crag, or Crystal Pepsi.
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Haus of Decline
about 6 hours ago
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Friend: What are you doing? Me: I'm veinmaxxing Friend: Vain like vanity? Me: *alarmingly blood red* No.
about 6 hours ago
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Eagle: Damn dude where did you say you got this liver? Frickin delicious! Promethius: *trying not to scream* Same as yesterday
1 day ago
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Fly 1: Man, do you the wonder if there's more to life than just eating shit all day? Fly 2: Of course dude! There's copulating! Fly 1: Oh yeah hell yeah I frickin love copulating! Fly 2: Yeah that's the spirit! *goes back to eating shit*
2 days ago
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beetle moses
2 days ago
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Viktor Winetrout
about 2 months ago
[yelling over club music] I said death is the loss of future love
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Uncle Duke
3 days ago
but sheâs taking some time to work on herself
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Cop: Any idea how fast you were growing back there? Me: *10 inches taller than yesterday* Uhh, no?
4 days ago
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beetle moses
4 days ago
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Me: Haha is this thing on? Dentist: *using a broom to get me off the ceiling* How-Are-You-Doing-That?!?
5 days ago
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*Game Genies your pants off*
5 days ago
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You're still getting catfished? I'm getting angler fished. I'm getting grabbed in the fang-lined maw of an unspeakable horror and dragged into the midnight abyss below. You and I are not the same.
6 days ago
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Padmé: Are you excited for movie night? Anakin: Depends on the movie Padmé: The Sandlot! Anakin: *angry lightsaber noises*
6 days ago
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leon
6 days ago
congratulations, graduates. i'm honored to speak at your commencement. this is a proud moment for you, your family, and your friends. the future is in your hands. and the most important task of the future is to feed the Gaping Maw (students start booing, one student yells "fuck the gaping maw")
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nige [ham]
8 days ago
the brain is the most sensual organâŠwhich is why i get mine waxed every two weeks
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Her: Did you read the book I gave you? Me: No Her: Did you at least read the foreword? Me: *smugly* i can read more than 4 words!
6 days ago
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Me: i guess the only real difference between batter and dough is thickness My Urologist: *trying not to gag*
6 days ago
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6 days ago
me: why did they call it a âsinging telegramâ when âgift rapâ was right there my gynecologist: what
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Amy
8 days ago
[stargazing] THEM: which constellation is your favorite ME: probably the piss bucket THEM: what ME: yâknow, the big pisser THEM: DIPPER?? ME: itâs not for me but i donât kink shame
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Me: I just feel like I'm not benefiting enough from our country's rampant corruption. Investment Advisor: Have you considered following the President on social media? Me: Oh wow yeah that would help!
7 days ago
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No Trick Pony
8 days ago
Preparing to assassinate Caesar, Brutus chooses "Sunday, Bloody Sunday" as background music. Caesar: U2, Brute?
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B đ
8 days ago
always the bridesmaid, never the sea hag luring sailors to a watery grave
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Sorrowscopes
8 days ago
Pisces: Youâll live like a king this week, fearing for your life and distrusting those around you.
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I'm not a go-getter. I'm a stay-loser.
8 days ago
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Me: I've dedeuced a great deal from this carpet, my dear Watson! Watson: *covering nose, giving the carpet a wide berth* Ah yes..."de-deuce". How clever, Sir.
8 days ago
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Me: I don't know what i want for breakfast Wife: Eggs Benedict? Me: Why would I want eggs that are being dicks?
9 days ago
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Me: So what, you expect me to lose sleep over it?! Doctor Diagnosing Me With Insomnia: Yep.
9 days ago
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Jeremy C. Shipp
10 days ago
So when a cat coughs up a hairball, itâs natural, but when I do it, Iâm eating too many clown wigs?
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American Gothiccc
9 days ago
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Me: How much blood is normal? Doctor: For...what? Me: *visibly swelling* I mean, you're the doctor...
10 days ago
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Be the soggy bandaid you want to see floating in the pool.
10 days ago
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The unrelenting urge for dudes to die trapped in narrow mineshafts? Male Pattern Crawledness.
11 days ago
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[After a long day] Me: Woof I am pooped! Flintstones Toilet Bird: Shut the fuck up.
11 days ago
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Me: Oh wow, I'm such a huge fan! Wind Man from Mega Man 6: oH wOw I'm suCH a BiG faN That's what you sound like!
11 days ago
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[Big Scream]
FROVO
12 days ago
âDATE: i think we should take this slow ME: *emptying the cash register* but they might catch us
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You perfectly folded a fitted sheet in less than an hour? Okay Houdini.
12 days ago
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Looking to spice things up in the bedroom? Intruding, Clit-R Glitter! [From the makers of Super Squirter party favors]
13 days ago
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[1st Day at Work] Boss: Just let me know if you're feeling out of your depth. Me:
13 days ago
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Me: Man I really miss Vine. Tarzan: OH MY GOD SAME!!
13 days ago
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Me: Ickybod is a pretty fucked up thing to name somebody. Ichabod Crane: It's "Ichabod" not "Ickybod" Me: Haha classic Ickybod!
14 days ago
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FáȘáą á©áȘNá áȘáF
14 days ago
[First day as an inspirational poster] Farts are just bad decisions leaving the body.
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[Big Scream]
Ray
14 days ago
They say over 16 million living people have Genghis Khan's DNA in them. So far, only 32 people in this McDonald's have my DNA in them.
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Bart Simpson: Don't have a cow, man. Me: I'll have whatever I fucking want, you little piece of shit.
14 days ago
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sweetie Ï
14 days ago
âpick a card any cardâ i say, fanning out some ham slices
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beany tuesday
14 days ago
Social Media in 2035
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Sports Announcer Voice: Haha wow yeah that IS an awful lot of blood for a regulation badminton match but THEMS the BREAKS
14 days ago
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I'm choosing violence today
14 days ago
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I bet i probably contain 8% juice, too.
14 days ago
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*grunts and a jar of wasps falls out*
14 days ago
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