The only time I want to hear someone say "Goated with the sauce" is if I'm eating at an Indian restaurant.

[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button.

How many times a day do I shit? Well pal, how many times a day do you blink? That's right, I shit 3 to 4 times a day (on average).

Yeah I'm only a certified freak 3 days a week now. They cut my hours.

Me: I know pantyhose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone Teller: So is this not a robbery? Me: No, it is

Me (showing a photo): I got clean so I could be a better parent Him: That's a cat Me: I know. ᴺᵒʷ ᵗʰᵃᵗ ᴵ ˢᵒᵇᵉʳᵉᵈ ᵘᵖ

It's pretty crazy how not even the athletes know how curling works

Every night is date night if you have a calendar

Me: Sorry I had butter fingers and dropped everything yesterday Surgeon: Is that what was all over your hands?!

All pants are tear-away pants if the flesh is strong enough

Naming your kid Richard while relocating is a Dick move

Don’t count your chickens before they’re rotisseried.

*wakes suddenly from 15 year coma* WHY WOULD THEY CALL IT THE BANG BUS AND NOT THE FUCK TRUCK???!!!

If you're visiting the rodent exhibit you should probably run. We don't have a rodent exhibit.

[1st day working at fancy restaurant] Me: Would you like your salad tossed table-side, sir? Customer: Where are your pants?

Chicken Soup for the Soul Hole

Spiders with wings.

[1st Day as Zookeeper] Me: I think I'm doing a pretty "paw"some job! Possum ripping at my flesh: Reeeeeeee!!!!!!

Victor Von Coom

Me: I really showed his ass! Boss: Yeah why was that in your slideshow?

Satan: Welcome to Hell. You get a Presidential Suite. Me: Oh nice. Satan: That's not a good thing. Me: Oh. Satan: Yeah, you messed up real bad.

Wow these new pre-post-eternal-biotic gummies are really *oscillates through time and space* D̸O̵I̴N̸G̵ ̶I̸T̴ ̸F̶O̶R̷ ̵M̴E̷

an aggressive ant colony reduces the Keebler elves to a pile of bones and little outfits, but what sends a wave of deep unease around the world, the true source of fear, is how fast these ants are able to get cookie production ramped back up

Oregon Trail was a great game even though the graphics were a little buggy

[releases helium-filled heart balloon] Me: You're free now Balloon: Ima choke a bird

[1et Day as Mayor] Me: They should be called Hurt Points instead of Hit Points Reporter: Okay, but I asked about the giant nude statue of you in front of town hall Me: *standing too close* It's cause they only go down when you get hurt

I think it's crazy cars be driving around with their buttholes out just farting all over the place

I know I'm gonna get some action tonight. You can call it a premoanition.

Joe Pesci implies the existence of an entire Joe themed aquarium.

Archeologists reeeeeally don't like when you actually do the dinosaur.

Miss me with that forlorn longing shit!!!

the two types of vehicle are cars and trucks, with every vehicle being a subclass of one of those two. a jeep is a truck. a motorcycle is obviously a car. a boat is a truck. an airplane is a car and a helicopter is a truck. trucks are cars, interestingly enough, and cars are a specific type of chair

Please, my Dinos, they are in Crisis

hey honey. another tough day on the Consent Factory floor. yeah, one of the guys lost a finger in the persuasion press. that's two in a month, i wonder if there are any openings down at the Dicksucking Plant

*mfw there's a dino crisis*

Me: I'm thinking about doing skeleton Friend: The Olympic sport? Me: *rummaging thru bone sack* The what?

I need someone to dangle me over an industrial vat of mutagenic ooze

One who Tara Rieds is a Tara Rieder. I’m Tara Rieding at a 5th grade level

🎶 Jumpin Jack Flash Eat That Ass!!! 🎶

dr fuckyourassup will see you now

*going though trauma* Brain: you haven’t posted anything today you fuckin loser Me: thank you, that helps

WASH EM DOWN WITH SOME COLD SLAW

It's Wednesday night so I'm going Hog Mild! *eating 20 jalapeño poppers at midnight and getting a really bad tummy ache*

[Screaming Circle Pit Down at the TAR SWAMP]

Knick-knack paddy whack AND give the dog a bone? In THIS economy??

In France a Peeping Tom is called a Jean Luc Peek Hard

Boss: Are you trying to butter me up? Me: *holding a 10 pound tub of margarine* No.

Me: Everyone at the golf club is mad at me Wife: Is it because of what you called your invention? Me: *tinkering with Putt-Plug* Probably not

Me: I'm full of piss and nitric acid today! Friend: You mean piss and vinegar? Me: *noxious fumes pouring from ears* Nope!