[Big Scream]
@turdfartlet.bsky.social
📤 547
📥 81
📝 2616
Please be nice to me
pinned post!
Her: What's your dream date? Me: You chase me around with a broom then cover me with delicious garbage. Her: What? Me: Uhhhh Raccoon wingman in my ear: C'mon buddy you're losing her!!
3 months ago
1
64
18
I kept mixing up artisan and artisian so now I'm stuck down a well with a baker.
about 17 hours ago
0
2
0
My relationship with alcohol? Was she talking about me?
about 17 hours ago
0
0
0
This holiday season, put the toy back in toilet.
1 day ago
0
1
1
The Lion The Witch and The Unspeakable Fear of THE DARK ONES
1 day ago
0
0
0
This year my advent calendar is just 24 days of BLOOD HEXES
2 days ago
0
0
0
I'm a part of the town hysterical society. Once a month we break into an old house and scream until the floor collapses.
3 days ago
1
3
1
I would never wax poetically. There's way too much screaming and cursing for it to be considered poetry.
3 days ago
0
1
0
reposted by
[Big Scream]
(e)liz(a) 🌶️📚
3 days ago
“What did you do on your day off?” Wrote some unholy smut, wrote a battle in the woods scene for a period piece, and played video games.
1
2
1
reposted by
[Big Scream]
SCOM
3 days ago
i find myself getting lost in your eyes. there are no exits. not sure how i got here in the first place. it’s been weeks. no food or water, but i can hear the minotaur
4
149
27
Jesus jaywalks cuz he's afraid of crosswalks
4 days ago
0
2
0
PUT THE GRINCH BACK IN GRINCHMAS
4 days ago
0
1
0
If you die during a Weird Al concert you come back as a Polkageist.
4 days ago
0
1
0
Ugh i hate when I see an attractive person and blood shoots outta my nose so hard i blast through the ceiling!!
6 days ago
0
1
0
The misconception that the dick you already have is better than the dick you could be getting? That's the sunk cost phallusy.
6 days ago
0
7
2
reposted by
[Big Scream]
Soren Spicknall
6 days ago
Easy choice if you're a deer deciding where to buy a house
76
6541
1090
Me: A fecal transplant? My friends are all gonna give me shit! Doctor: No I'll be doing that.
6 days ago
0
1
0
*nuzzling your leg, purring like a cat* "Violence is always an option"
6 days ago
0
1
0
Traveling back in time to 16th century England absolutely blasting my lutes with a weightlifting bard.
6 days ago
0
1
0
[Sadly peeling one of the tenticle monster bumper stickers off my minivan]
6 days ago
0
2
0
reposted by
[Big Scream]
Chell O'Buster
8 days ago
JESUS: This bread... is my body. Go on, take it, pass it around. This wine... is my blood. These grapes are my eyeballs JUDAS: I don't think you're supposed to tell us it's grapes. I think you just let us feel it-- JESUS: Shut up dude. Now this cold spaghetti... is my guts
6
362
69
[Country Club] Me: One golf, please. Concierge: ... Do you have a tee time, sir? Me: Haha good heavens no, but I've got time for coffee! Concierge: Get the fuck out of here!
7 days ago
0
0
0
For only 30 cents a day you can get kicked in the head by a horse
7 days ago
0
0
0
Oh you guys are just "horsin' around"? Just "kicking dudes in the head"? Just "shitting wherever you want"? Hell yeah.
7 days ago
0
1
0
The Green M&M's rapid rise to political power leads me to believe she might be a Manchurian Candydate.
8 days ago
1
3
0
Me: These boots were made for Walken Christopher Walken: Where the hell did you get those? Me: Your cobbler sends his regards..
10 days ago
0
2
0
reposted by
[Big Scream]
more mr. nice guy
7 months ago
GHOST OF ME: (watching my corpse get tossed atop a huge pile of bodies) let's fuckin goooo king of the pile
1
407
47
An offer I can't refuse? What're you gonna give me a whole bunch of lithium batteries?
11 days ago
1
0
0
You'd have to wake up pretty early in the morning to fool me. Like 10:30 at the latest.
12 days ago
0
2
1
The episode where Barney goes extinct. Still can't believe they showed him vaporizing from the blast wave.
12 days ago
0
1
0
reposted by
[Big Scream]
FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF
13 days ago
Why is it called a lie detector machine and not a defibillator?
7
170
45
Oh weird, every single answer on Jeopardy tonight is Sugma.
13 days ago
0
1
0
reposted by
[Big Scream]
andy vs
13 days ago
Sometimes what the doctor ordered is a nice lil beige meal
9
216
49
reposted by
[Big Scream]
Crunkolas Driverton
almost 2 years ago
True connoisseurs know that the tastiest juices are in the limbs, which have to be cracked like crab legs to drink the precious fluids inside
5
158
42
You could get lost in my eyes? How would that even work? What the hell are you even talking about? You trying to steal my eyes??
13 days ago
0
0
0
*wavedashing around like a little critter*
13 days ago
0
0
0
reposted by
[Big Scream]
Greg the Miller
14 days ago
the important thing is that Waldo finds himself
8
194
76
reposted by
[Big Scream]
Stella Sacco
14 days ago
Sorry I can’t go. I have horse rehearsal. I have rehorsal. We rehearse the horses, all kinds. Usually there are a few of us at rehorsal and everyone has different kinds of horse for it. For horse rehearsal. Rehorsal
37
1465
235
Cricket: Haha do you think these wings make me look fat? Pinocchio: No. I think they make you look like a plump little morsel. Cricket: Plump little morsel? You messing with me? Pinocchio: *nose not growing an inch* Haha yeah, just kidding.
13 days ago
0
3
0
I'm not high maintenance. I just like smoking pot on my mechanic's roof.
14 days ago
0
0
0
*grunts and that sock I lost last month falls out*
14 days ago
0
1
0
reposted by
[Big Scream]
Gef the Toking Mongoose
14 days ago
An adorable black squirrel just ran up to me and gave me a tiny little letter it was carrying in its mouth it was cute till I saw it was a fucking subpoena
7
241
43
Professor: Hey keep your eyes to yourself! Me: *eyes crawling all over the guy next to me* Aww man...
14 days ago
0
3
0
Been working my core so I can put the "abs" in abyss.
14 days ago
1
2
0
reposted by
[Big Scream]
Ray
15 days ago
Awkward. Accidentaly said "you too" to a coworker who said "sorry for your loss", and now I have to kill one of their loved ones to save face.
3
174
26
Just saw a Domino's ad selling $6.70 pizzas for their "6-7" promo and now i want to eat 6-7 grenades.
15 days ago
0
1
0
A zebra is just a fancy horse with a coke problem
16 days ago
0
0
0
Mixed up pelicans with politicians again and really got a mouthful down at city hall
16 days ago
0
1
0
People ask "what the dog doing?" when they should be asking "why the dog doing?" or "when the dog doing?"
16 days ago
0
0
0
reposted by
[Big Scream]
Xavier Horatio Xinicit 🎉
19 days ago
The only firearm regulations that seem to work in the US are the ones that allow PEZ to make a gun that shoots candy but prevents us from having a Bazooka Joe brand shoulder mounted anti-tank rocket.
1
7
1
Load more
feeds!
log in