[Big Scream]
@turdfartlet.bsky.social
📤 609
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📝 2928
Please be nice to me
pinned post!
Me: It's a dog eat cheese world out there Friend: You mean dog eat dog? Me: Bro have you ever even met a dog?
2 months ago
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The only time I want to hear someone say "Goated with the sauce" is if I'm eating at an Indian restaurant.
about 1 hour ago
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[Big Scream]
FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF
1 day ago
[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button.
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How many times a day do I shit? Well pal, how many times a day do you blink? That's right, I shit 3 to 4 times a day (on average).
1 day ago
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Yeah I'm only a certified freak 3 days a week now. They cut my hours.
2 days ago
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[Big Scream]
Birthday Today Person
about 1 year ago
Me: I know pantyhose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone Teller: So is this not a robbery? Me: No, it is
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[Big Scream]
Birthday Today Person
2 days ago
Me (showing a photo): I got clean so I could be a better parent Him: That's a cat Me: I know. ᴺᵒʷ ᵗʰᵃᵗ ᴵ ˢᵒᵇᵉʳᵉᵈ ᵘᵖ
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It's pretty crazy how not even the athletes know how curling works
2 days ago
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[Big Scream]
francis
2 days ago
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Every night is date night if you have a calendar
2 days ago
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Me: Sorry I had butter fingers and dropped everything yesterday Surgeon: Is that what was all over your hands?!
2 days ago
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All pants are tear-away pants if the flesh is strong enough
2 days ago
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Naming your kid Richard while relocating is a Dick move
3 days ago
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[Big Scream]
Tits McDick
3 days ago
Don’t count your chickens before they’re rotisseried.
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*wakes suddenly from 15 year coma* WHY WOULD THEY CALL IT THE BANG BUS AND NOT THE FUCK TRUCK???!!!
3 days ago
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[Big Scream]
Greeneville Zoo
4 days ago
If you're visiting the rodent exhibit you should probably run. We don't have a rodent exhibit.
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[1st day working at fancy restaurant] Me: Would you like your salad tossed table-side, sir? Customer: Where are your pants?
4 days ago
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Chicken Soup for the Soul Hole
4 days ago
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Spiders with wings.
4 days ago
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[1st Day as Zookeeper] Me: I think I'm doing a pretty "paw"some job! Possum ripping at my flesh: Reeeeeeee!!!!!!
4 days ago
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Victor Von Coom
5 days ago
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Me: I really showed his ass! Boss: Yeah why was that in your slideshow?
6 days ago
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[Big Scream]
Ray
6 days ago
Satan: Welcome to Hell. You get a Presidential Suite. Me: Oh nice. Satan: That's not a good thing. Me: Oh. Satan: Yeah, you messed up real bad.
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Wow these new pre-post-eternal-biotic gummies are really *oscillates through time and space* D̸O̵I̴N̸G̵ ̶I̸T̴ ̸F̶O̶R̷ ̵M̴E̷
6 days ago
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more mr. nice guy
7 days ago
an aggressive ant colony reduces the Keebler elves to a pile of bones and little outfits, but what sends a wave of deep unease around the world, the true source of fear, is how fast these ants are able to get cookie production ramped back up
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[Big Scream]
weeder
8 days ago
Oregon Trail was a great game even though the graphics were a little buggy
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Birthday Today Person
9 months ago
[releases helium-filled heart balloon] Me: You're free now Balloon: Ima choke a bird
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[1et Day as Mayor] Me: They should be called Hurt Points instead of Hit Points Reporter: Okay, but I asked about the giant nude statue of you in front of town hall Me: *standing too close* It's cause they only go down when you get hurt
7 days ago
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I think it's crazy cars be driving around with their buttholes out just farting all over the place
7 days ago
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I know I'm gonna get some action tonight. You can call it a premoanition.
7 days ago
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Joe Pesci implies the existence of an entire Joe themed aquarium.
7 days ago
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Archeologists reeeeeally don't like when you actually do the dinosaur.
8 days ago
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Miss me with that forlorn longing shit!!!
9 days ago
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[Big Scream]
Jon Bois
9 days ago
the two types of vehicle are cars and trucks, with every vehicle being a subclass of one of those two. a jeep is a truck. a motorcycle is obviously a car. a boat is a truck. an airplane is a car and a helicopter is a truck. trucks are cars, interestingly enough, and cars are a specific type of chair
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[Big Scream]
Chief Georgia O' Keef
9 days ago
Please, my Dinos, they are in Crisis
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[Big Scream]
mattie lubchansky
9 days ago
hey honey. another tough day on the Consent Factory floor. yeah, one of the guys lost a finger in the persuasion press. that's two in a month, i wonder if there are any openings down at the Dicksucking Plant
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*mfw there's a dino crisis*
9 days ago
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Me: I'm thinking about doing skeleton Friend: The Olympic sport? Me: *rummaging thru bone sack* The what?
9 days ago
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I need someone to dangle me over an industrial vat of mutagenic ooze
9 days ago
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[Big Scream]
augh
10 days ago
One who Tara Rieds is a Tara Rieder. I’m Tara Rieding at a 5th grade level
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🎶 Jumpin Jack Flash Eat That Ass!!! 🎶
9 days ago
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[Big Scream]
𝗱𝗿𝗼𝗷𝗼🧩
10 days ago
dr fuckyourassup will see you now
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[Big Scream]
DaddyJew
10 days ago
*going though trauma* Brain: you haven’t posted anything today you fuckin loser Me: thank you, that helps
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[Big Scream]
(e)liz(a) 🌶️📚
11 days ago
WASH EM DOWN WITH SOME COLD SLAW
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It's Wednesday night so I'm going Hog Mild! *eating 20 jalapeño poppers at midnight and getting a really bad tummy ache*
11 days ago
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[Screaming Circle Pit Down at the TAR SWAMP]
11 days ago
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Knick-knack paddy whack AND give the dog a bone? In THIS economy??
11 days ago
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[Big Scream]
FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF
11 days ago
In France a Peeping Tom is called a Jean Luc Peek Hard
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Boss: Are you trying to butter me up? Me: *holding a 10 pound tub of margarine* No.
12 days ago
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Me: Everyone at the golf club is mad at me Wife: Is it because of what you called your invention? Me: *tinkering with Putt-Plug* Probably not
12 days ago
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Me: I'm full of piss and nitric acid today! Friend: You mean piss and vinegar? Me: *noxious fumes pouring from ears* Nope!
12 days ago
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