Sorry for devastating your Meemaw at Beyblade at your Peepaw's funeral.

If you die at the strip club they'll give your casket a lap dance for half price

They're called Whinneybagos because of all the horses you can hide in them.

The Pillsbury Doughboy and Kool-Aid Man are lustfully destroying your kitchen so thoroughly that no amount of Scrubbing Bubbles or Mr. Clean will ever wipe it clean.

Uh oh! Smells like someone did a stinky!* *summoned a demon from hell

I will study your attack patterns, watch for the poses and vocalizations that signal your next move, and react accordingly with fast twitch reflexes. It will not work, and I'll be annihilated immediately.

Me: Well well, look what the cat dragged in Friend: *badly mauled* WAS THAT A FUCKING LION????

guy 1: i know the project wasn't a success... but you tried really hard on it. so we've decided to give you an ape for effort! :D guy 2: i think the phrase is "an A for effort". guy 1: (loud glass breaking sound, monkey vocalizations in other room) guy 1: uh oh! :D

Blood sacrifice? No no, you misunderstand. I'm asking for a blood investment. You'll earn blood dividends quarterly.

WIFE: Uggh today SUCKED ME: What's up babe WIFE: Well, I was molting into my 4th 𝘪𝘯𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘳, or larval stage, as I developed toward becoming an 𝘪𝘮𝘢𝘨𝘰, or sexually mature insect. ME: No need to explain. I already know all this and support you as you move through the life cycle stages of an insect or bug.

Dentists don't get sad. They get Crestfallen.

"This shit is haunted!" I howl, launching yet another clogged toilet into the graveyard.

First: without proper context, it's kind of crude and disgusting. Second: it did not add as much vibrancy to the funeral as you'd think. Third: we're waiting on a call from Becky, so "no" for now.

Okay cool but when I talk about doing foursomes it's "crude and disgusting"??

I will never come to my senses. That's disgusting.

Me: I thought this is what you wanted.. Wife: I said a lifting bra, not a lifting bruh!! My Gym Bruh Brad: Should I wait in the car?

You're being driven insane by visions of The Ancient Ones? Buddy, that's just a normal Wednesday for me.

taking tylenol PM so i am only autistic at night

GET IN THE CAR! WE NEED BROCCOLI NOW!! FLORET!!!

Getting followed by another couple big accounts would fix me

Idiot Kid: Look everyone it's the Platitude Platypus! Platitude Platypus: *drags cig* Life sucks then you die. How's that for your bullshit platitudes? Idiot Kid: Great considering current events!

Me: Hey Grok, does this look infected? My Parrot Named Grok: Rawwwwk Someone Kill Me With A Rooock!!

Doctors hate this one simple trick: filling your body with evil spirits and corrupting the humors of anyone who approaches their office.

Me: Ah I see the confusion. Everyone got ratsured, not raptured. Friend: What's ratsured? Me: *front teeth growing, the sudden urge to scurry behind furniture is overwhelming* Who can really say...

Me: I'm headed hone Wife: You mean headed home? Me: *sharpening my temple with a rock* Yeah that

Date: I feel like people just don't have organic conversations anymore. Me: *body made almost entirely of silicon* Oh yeah totally.

IF YOU CAN READ THIS SHIRT MY WIFE GOT RAPTURED

EVERY RAPTURE I SURVIVE MAKES ME STRONGER AND MORE BLASPHEMOUS.

More like Crapture lol gottem

My girlfriend kept on asking me to go spelunking with her so eventually I caved.

Therapist: How have you been feeling this week? Me *realizes I already burned through my drafts folder again* Really fucken bad actually.

*mournfully shooting off a tshirt cannon into the sadly cheering funeral crowd*

I'm ironing out the details on something I'm calling AntiSocial-Media. Could be huge for just me.

Weird. My Sunday Skircle is just a shifting orb that screams when i look directly at it

*watching football* "That fucken thing doesn't look anything like a foot or a ball"

GIRLFRIEND: Um...I don't know. I think this relationship is going too fast. ME: *sitting on my racecar bed* Lol Sharon, it doesn't actually move.

I derive sick pleasure when other people do bad posts online. I call this shitpostenfraude.

I'm so tired of people supporting gachapon journalism! (I can only carry so many tiny metal balls around at once)

Mystery Machine? Big deal. I know what fucken van looks like. Mystery solved, fucko.

🎵Nice Legs Daisy Dukes🎵 🎵Makes A Man Go🎵 [[CLINICALLY INSANE]]

Doctor: Do you smoke? Me: No. It's more of a miasma. Doctor: What? Me: What?

[writing in my journal by candlelight] Bought a box of Oops! All Berries cereal today, but they weren’t all berries. I fear I am no match for life’s challenges

Me: Haha guess I don't know my own strength! Gym Trainer: Yeah you're way weaker than you said you were.

Friend: What've you been up to? Me: I started selling unreal estate. Friend: Unreal estate? Me: Yeah I sell rich idiots NFTs of other people's mansions Friend: That's really weird Me: Now you're thinking of surreal estate.

My friends ghosted me again this weekend *failed to banish me back to the shadowy depths of hell from which I crawled*

I hit the gym earlier. Thought I was in reverse but I was in drive.

Me: I put my thing down, flip it, and reverse it. Used Car Dealer: *trying not to puke* Please don't do that again with me in the car

First date idea leave my body at the dump.

Today's weather: You can just add as much uncooked hamburger as you want into any sort of milkshake. There's no law to stop you.