I kept mixing up artisan and artisian so now I'm stuck down a well with a baker.

My relationship with alcohol? Was she talking about me?

This holiday season, put the toy back in toilet.

The Lion The Witch and The Unspeakable Fear of THE DARK ONES

This year my advent calendar is just 24 days of BLOOD HEXES

I'm a part of the town hysterical society. Once a month we break into an old house and scream until the floor collapses.

I would never wax poetically. There's way too much screaming and cursing for it to be considered poetry.

“What did you do on your day off?” Wrote some unholy smut, wrote a battle in the woods scene for a period piece, and played video games.

i find myself getting lost in your eyes. there are no exits. not sure how i got here in the first place. it’s been weeks. no food or water, but i can hear the minotaur

Jesus jaywalks cuz he's afraid of crosswalks

PUT THE GRINCH BACK IN GRINCHMAS

If you die during a Weird Al concert you come back as a Polkageist.

Ugh i hate when I see an attractive person and blood shoots outta my nose so hard i blast through the ceiling!!

The misconception that the dick you already have is better than the dick you could be getting? That's the sunk cost phallusy.

Easy choice if you're a deer deciding where to buy a house

Me: A fecal transplant? My friends are all gonna give me shit! Doctor: No I'll be doing that.

*nuzzling your leg, purring like a cat* "Violence is always an option"

Traveling back in time to 16th century England absolutely blasting my lutes with a weightlifting bard.

[Sadly peeling one of the tenticle monster bumper stickers off my minivan]

JESUS: This bread... is my body. Go on, take it, pass it around. This wine... is my blood. These grapes are my eyeballs JUDAS: I don't think you're supposed to tell us it's grapes. I think you just let us feel it-- JESUS: Shut up dude. Now this cold spaghetti... is my guts

[Country Club] Me: One golf, please. Concierge: ... Do you have a tee time, sir? Me: Haha good heavens no, but I've got time for coffee! Concierge: Get the fuck out of here!

For only 30 cents a day you can get kicked in the head by a horse

Oh you guys are just "horsin' around"? Just "kicking dudes in the head"? Just "shitting wherever you want"? Hell yeah.

The Green M&M's rapid rise to political power leads me to believe she might be a Manchurian Candydate.

Me: These boots were made for Walken Christopher Walken: Where the hell did you get those? Me: Your cobbler sends his regards..

GHOST OF ME: (watching my corpse get tossed atop a huge pile of bodies) let's fuckin goooo king of the pile

An offer I can't refuse? What're you gonna give me a whole bunch of lithium batteries?

You'd have to wake up pretty early in the morning to fool me. Like 10:30 at the latest.

The episode where Barney goes extinct. Still can't believe they showed him vaporizing from the blast wave.

Why is it called a lie detector machine and not a defibillator?

Oh weird, every single answer on Jeopardy tonight is Sugma.

Sometimes what the doctor ordered is a nice lil beige meal

True connoisseurs know that the tastiest juices are in the limbs, which have to be cracked like crab legs to drink the precious fluids inside

You could get lost in my eyes? How would that even work? What the hell are you even talking about? You trying to steal my eyes??

*wavedashing around like a little critter*

the important thing is that Waldo finds himself

Sorry I can’t go. I have horse rehearsal. I have rehorsal. We rehearse the horses, all kinds. Usually there are a few of us at rehorsal and everyone has different kinds of horse for it. For horse rehearsal. Rehorsal

Cricket: Haha do you think these wings make me look fat? Pinocchio: No. I think they make you look like a plump little morsel. Cricket: Plump little morsel? You messing with me? Pinocchio: *nose not growing an inch* Haha yeah, just kidding.

I'm not high maintenance. I just like smoking pot on my mechanic's roof.

*grunts and that sock I lost last month falls out*

An adorable black squirrel just ran up to me and gave me a tiny little letter it was carrying in its mouth it was cute till I saw it was a fucking subpoena

Professor: Hey keep your eyes to yourself! Me: *eyes crawling all over the guy next to me* Aww man...

Been working my core so I can put the "abs" in abyss.

Awkward. Accidentaly said "you too" to a coworker who said "sorry for your loss", and now I have to kill one of their loved ones to save face.

Just saw a Domino's ad selling $6.70 pizzas for their "6-7" promo and now i want to eat 6-7 grenades.

A zebra is just a fancy horse with a coke problem

Mixed up pelicans with politicians again and really got a mouthful down at city hall

People ask "what the dog doing?" when they should be asking "why the dog doing?" or "when the dog doing?"

The only firearm regulations that seem to work in the US are the ones that allow PEZ to make a gun that shoots candy but prevents us from having a Bazooka Joe brand shoulder mounted anti-tank rocket.