You don't have to use Memorial Day to remember the troops. You can spend the holiday remembering whatever you want, e.g. The Aggro Crag, or Crystal Pepsi.

Friend: What are you doing? Me: I'm veinmaxxing Friend: Vain like vanity? Me: *alarmingly blood red* No.

Eagle: Damn dude where did you say you got this liver? Frickin delicious! Promethius: *trying not to scream* Same as yesterday

Fly 1: Man, do you the wonder if there's more to life than just eating shit all day? Fly 2: Of course dude! There's copulating! Fly 1: Oh yeah hell yeah I frickin love copulating! Fly 2: Yeah that's the spirit! *goes back to eating shit*

[yelling over club music] I said death is the loss of future love

but she’s taking some time to work on herself

Cop: Any idea how fast you were growing back there? Me: *10 inches taller than yesterday* Uhh, no?

Me: Haha is this thing on? Dentist: *using a broom to get me off the ceiling* How-Are-You-Doing-That?!?

*Game Genies your pants off*

You're still getting catfished? I'm getting angler fished. I'm getting grabbed in the fang-lined maw of an unspeakable horror and dragged into the midnight abyss below. You and I are not the same.

Padmé: Are you excited for movie night? Anakin: Depends on the movie Padmé: The Sandlot! Anakin: *angry lightsaber noises*

congratulations, graduates. i'm honored to speak at your commencement. this is a proud moment for you, your family, and your friends. the future is in your hands. and the most important task of the future is to feed the Gaping Maw (students start booing, one student yells "fuck the gaping maw")

the brain is the most sensual organ…which is why i get mine waxed every two weeks

Her: Did you read the book I gave you? Me: No Her: Did you at least read the foreword? Me: *smugly* i can read more than 4 words!

Me: i guess the only real difference between batter and dough is thickness My Urologist: *trying not to gag*

me: why did they call it a ‘singing telegram’ when ‘gift rap’ was right there my gynecologist: what

[stargazing] THEM: which constellation is your favorite ME: probably the piss bucket THEM: what ME: y’know, the big pisser THEM: DIPPER?? ME: it’s not for me but i don’t kink shame

Me: I just feel like I'm not benefiting enough from our country's rampant corruption. Investment Advisor: Have you considered following the President on social media? Me: Oh wow yeah that would help!

Preparing to assassinate Caesar, Brutus chooses "Sunday, Bloody Sunday" as background music. Caesar: U2, Brute?

always the bridesmaid, never the sea hag luring sailors to a watery grave

Pisces: You’ll live like a king this week, fearing for your life and distrusting those around you.

I'm not a go-getter. I'm a stay-loser.

Me: I've dedeuced a great deal from this carpet, my dear Watson! Watson: *covering nose, giving the carpet a wide berth* Ah yes..."de-deuce". How clever, Sir.

Me: I don't know what i want for breakfast Wife: Eggs Benedict? Me: Why would I want eggs that are being dicks?

Me: So what, you expect me to lose sleep over it?! Doctor Diagnosing Me With Insomnia: Yep.

So when a cat coughs up a hairball, it’s natural, but when I do it, I’m eating too many clown wigs?

American Gothiccc

Me: How much blood is normal? Doctor: For...what? Me: *visibly swelling* I mean, you're the doctor...

Be the soggy bandaid you want to see floating in the pool.

The unrelenting urge for dudes to die trapped in narrow mineshafts? Male Pattern Crawledness.

[After a long day] Me: Woof I am pooped! Flintstones Toilet Bird: Shut the fuck up.

Me: Oh wow, I'm such a huge fan! Wind Man from Mega Man 6: oH wOw I'm suCH a BiG faN That's what you sound like!

‎DATE: i think we should take this slow ME: *emptying the cash register* but they might catch us

You perfectly folded a fitted sheet in less than an hour? Okay Houdini.

Looking to spice things up in the bedroom? Intruding, Clit-R Glitter! [From the makers of Super Squirter party favors]

[1st Day at Work] Boss: Just let me know if you're feeling out of your depth. Me:

Me: Man I really miss Vine. Tarzan: OH MY GOD SAME!!

Me: Ickybod is a pretty fucked up thing to name somebody. Ichabod Crane: It's "Ichabod" not "Ickybod" Me: Haha classic Ickybod!

[First day as an inspirational poster] Farts are just bad decisions leaving the body.

They say over 16 million living people have Genghis Khan's DNA in them. So far, only 32 people in this McDonald's have my DNA in them.

Bart Simpson: Don't have a cow, man. Me: I'll have whatever I fucking want, you little piece of shit.

“pick a card any card” i say, fanning out some ham slices

Social Media in 2035

Sports Announcer Voice: Haha wow yeah that IS an awful lot of blood for a regulation badminton match but THEMS the BREAKS

I'm choosing violence today

I bet i probably contain 8% juice, too.

*grunts and a jar of wasps falls out*