Apparently, it's country bumpkin, not country blumpkin. The latter involves an outhouse.

Dublin. Also not into kings. 🇮🇷🇺🇸

Hey! What’s this fucker protesting?

#NoKings city hall, Houston

"i can fix her" my sailor in christ she is listing twenty degrees and has three different cracks in her hull she is going down and leaving no survivors

Oprah Gingham Style

I laughed about Huel being “spiritually bad.” I also wish one could just trust media outlets that break news about supposedly troubling contamination to not lean into the story at the cost of scientific accuracy.

[Around 1980, some kids are playing in a neighborhood] A mother's voice: WEIRD AL YANKOVIC, GET IN THIS HOUSE! One kid: Woah, sounds like you're in trouble, Weird. Another kid, snickering: Your middle name is Al?

Everyone who characterized the rallies as "I Hate America" should have their face on a placard at the rally, with a word balloon saying "I HATE AMERICA". It's a direct quote.

Dental X-rays? You mean tooth pics?

I have such a crazy six-pack, it’s *lowers sunglasses* absurd.

This is the most amazing stump grinding I've ever seen. The flat area is all wood and measures about 12 ft by 7 ft. The remaining wood up against the sidewalk looks pretty cool.

Fuck. I wish deep vein thrombosis was as hot as it sounded.

UN Ambassador Mike Waltz claims Maduro is an "illegitimate leader," citing the fact he was "convicted in the Southern District of New York."

Trump says he hopes he hasn’t lost IQ points like a pilot hoping he still remembers which side of the plane the wings are on.

Bread baked, sliced, and ready to go in the freezer.

They won't tell you this, but if you're already autistic and take Tylenol, you gain one random superpower

Ask the doctor on your ship if starboard is right for you.

Trying my darnedest to manifest a little spontaneous combustion.

Bank of America is pulling out as a Platinum Sponsor and demanding I return their six figure charitable contribution to my 501(c)(3) organization Snakes for Unfuckable Men after an independent investigation found many of our snake recipients were giving each other hand and mouth stuff on the reg.

As a pony, I am intrigued.

"Cookie" is the name of the scientist who created him. It's Cookie's Monster, not "Cookie Monster". Read a book sometime.

[Dracula takes the form of a mist] Lady: Ugh, the moisture in the air will ruin my hair! Dracula: I AM NOT A MOISTURE! I AM A HUMID BEING!

I will never not repost this (Sound on for maximum effect)

Lame-ass ignorant dicks in junior high called me a slut when I had never even gone to first base. I wasn’t a slut until like 3 months later, assholes.

One time I was at a bar in Prague and Johnny Cash was sitting next to a couple of huge guys who fell off their stools. He tried to help them but couldn’t, so I reached down with one arm and pulled them both up. Johnny asked “the hell are you doing?” and I said “righting Czechs your ass can’t, Cash”

On Mastodon they don’t send dick pics, they send Mastodongs. No wonder people are leaving Bsky.

This unfortunate fate could await anyone who fails to pay attention during sex education.

Some people think my puns are juvenile. I prefer to think of them as... Full Groan.

Do you have an underappreciated skeet? If it is at least 2 days old and has fewer than 30 likes, quote it as a reply here. Then browse what others have left. I'll reskeet from here.

"WHAT'S IN THE BOX?" - Schrö7inger

[the movie Seven but everyone is chickens] What’s in the bocks?!

[ Out with the cuckold ] [ In with the cucknew ]

It’s funny how when you grow up, you reflect on the things your parents told you as a kid and start to realize that maybe your mom was right about some things Maybe I SHOULD have been aborted

I am really enjoying the night shot mode on my new phone.

KOOL-AID MAN: *breaks thru wall* ohh yeahhh HUMPTY DUMPTY: ohh noooooo

Taylor Swift probably has enough power now to order the national guard home

Me: there’s a horse. Them: oh yeah I saw it Me: Them: what Me: you didn’t see it Them: uh… yeah I did Me: Did you say ‘horse’? Them: what? Me: Did. You. Say. ‘Horse.’ Them: no Me: then you did not see it Them: Me: Them: this is a weird ass date Me: well now I know why you’re single

This skeleton is really three smaller skeletons in a trench coat

Address not found

I take a bite from a chip and then dip the remainder in the salsa. "It wasn't a double dip," I insist to the shocked-looking woman across from me. "Who invited you to this party?" I laugh. "No one invites me to parties," I reply.

I'm staying at an airbnb, and there is a microwave here, and the clock is wrong on it, and there is no way to set the clock. Isn't this a Geneva Convention violation?

If there was an Olympic sport of making foam in the urinal, I would win, unless Derick wasn’t using his dialysis machine.

Jerry Garcia: 🎶 got a wife in Chino babe and one in Cherokee. first one says she got my child, but it don't look like me 🎶 My Wife: see? it's not that strange. sometimes kids just look like that minor league baseball player I used to date for no reason

girl, you should drink some calmbucha

Once again the invisible hand of fate has guided my car through the front window of a mattress store

Lift, lift here And a push out there For a couple of grand tatas That's how we keep you looking great In the Merry Old Land of Bras

I'd rather see The Vulva Monologues than The Vagina Monologues. The latter is too deep.