Life hack: You can make pancakes in more than just pans. Dutch ovens, woks, on that blackened metal spoon I found under the bridge. All work perfectly fine but I prefer the spoon. The taste is off but it makes everything numb in a way that I wish would last forever.

Santa knows who is naughty and who is nice. He knew damn well that all of the other reindeer used to laugh and call Rudolph names. Yet Santa did nothing. The real question is why Rudolph took a job working for a man who was complicit in Rudolph's childhood of torment.

Muppet Beauty and the Beast with Cookie Monster as the beast.

[On "Family Feud"] Host: Things there never seems to be a right time to say. Dad: "You're adopted, Chet!" *Family all claps, except Chet*

I think the band Hole missed a fun credits opportunity by not putting out a song called Butt.

I don't want a lot for Christmas There is just one thing I need I must exorcise the presence Underneath the Christmas tree.

Cool totally incoherent reply to someone you don't know on the internet, bro

The summer I tried to turn slutty but no one would cooperate.

riding off into the sunset but it’s just reverse cowgirl on a westward facing balcony

serious question, how do you take more than one step at a time?

Listen sonny boy I delete more potential bangers before breakfast than you post all week now get off Santa’s lap the line’s getting long

Two rival bakeries in the same town: one quirky hipster place called Kneads, the other a long-running family business started in 1843 by Victor Maslow. Scandal when one bakery poaches the other's top pastry chef, Archibald Prompt. The headline: Maslow's hire Archie of Kneads

There’s a new machine at the gym that I love. I use it every day. It has 3 Musketeers, Almond Joy, Doritos…

The first patients have been helped by #cancer-fighting cells made directly in their bodies | Science | AAAS www.science.org/content/arti...

if you haven't seen The Extended cut, here it is 🥰 #Folgers

It's Donut December

You know who really knows what women like? Serial cheaters.

Priest: Why am I here? Me: My car got repossessed. Priest: That's not really my thing. Me: Alright. Wife: *fighting demonic Volkswagen with a bat* WHAT DID HE SAY?!

The problem with my self affirmations, is that I can sense the sarcasm in my voice.

Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day. Give a man three fishes and he'll think you're a genie who can't spell.

Last Christmas, I buried your heart The very next day, it gave me away

Looking through my For You tab. I'm pretty sure some of these are against me.

My listening age is: never joined Spotify.

my mom just wants me to be happy and fulfilled for xmas hahah best of fucking luck my dude

Just inside the Kansas border from Colorado is a town called "Kanorado." If I was rich, I would establish a town on the Colorado side of the border, call it "Coloransas," and then spend 24-48 hours shelling Kanorado with heavy artillery

I imagined myself in a threesome. It was a Mirage à Trois.

If they're cold, that's hot.

Popes: John (23) Paul (6) John Paul (2) George (0) Ringo (0) George Ringo (0)

Do you ever go out and think “this is exactly why I don’t go out.”

I think you either get it or you don't.

Growing a handlebar moustache so that those who wish to sit on my face can do so in safety and comfort

I've decided to call my son Charles after my grandfather. He's 19 but I think he'll adjust to it.

I hate long goodbyes, so let’s just say abbreviderci.

I thought I saw a ghost but it was actually just a bioluminescent victorian child.

It's hard to take a picture at night at highway speeds, but this guy is ready for Christmas.

Every shop now sells party games and they're all either called Animals! Have!! Butts!!! or SAY SOMETHING SICK YOU C**T

Memories....

What I don't get about American history is during the Revolutionary War period everyone was named things like "John Adams". But when the Civil War comes around everyone is named things like "Jedediah Hotchkiss" and "Ambrose Burnside". Then we just went back to normal names? What was going on??

*seductively sprawled on the couch, flashing a tasteful amount of scrotum from the leg of these loose gym shorts*

[Dad convention] We'll start with a team-building exercise. You each have a sheet of instructions. Let's throw those away and get started.

movie posters featuring the muppets: thread

trying out a new display name, what do we think?

An AI training montage, but it's just a collection of videos of smash and grab robberies.

I always put “cross off #1” at the top of my to-do list. It’s important to feel accomplished before giving up.

The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with refreshing new improved tyrant juice™

It turns out the FIFA Peace Award isn't as prestigious as it sounds because it stands for Fucking Irritating Fat Ass

Everybody is always so impressed when a mother lifts up a car to save a child that is pinned beneath it, but if you use *the exact same* amount of strength to pick up a car and put it on a kid you're somehow a monster.

Well, I finally gave in and bought a feral mountain lion for my home office. Honestly I'm not sure what all the fuss is about, it's actually been a huge inconvenience

Cornbread night

I guess one difference between me and Elon Musk is that, if I was gaming an AI to say these things about me, and everyone could see that I had done this, I'd have simply no choice but to set myself on fire.