With a knick knack, paddy whack, give a dog a bone? Do I look like I’m made of bones or something?

I’ve always felt that jean jackets don’t go far enough. Today…we are introducing jacket jeans.

What people and the media don’t tell you is that it’s much better to simply kill a genie, as they’re absolutely loaded with wish bones.

What’s Donald Trump’s favourite food? A Nuremburger.

In hindsight, when promoting our new mattress range, we probably shouldn’t have advertised it beginning with phrase “Don’t sleep on”.

An eye for an eye is incredible for the eyepatch industry.

Sexy vampire: I can also be defeated by being unexpectedly pounded by hard wood.

Me: The wind blows. The Wind: Wow, fuck you too.

*waxing my vehicle’s trucknutz*

*goes for a stroll down memory lane* *gets approached by memory robber* *throws my memory wallet at them* *gets memory stabbed to death*

Easily my favourite Star Trek quote:

The mothman, the mothmyth, the mothlegend.

Me, walking into clone machine: New year. My clone, stepping out and strangling me: New me.

*slowly extends pinky as I begin chugging a jar of mayo*

Greenland local advertising: COLD SINGLES IN YOUR AREA

This about sums up my humour: youtu.be/AXYmdgZSE00

Herbivores: animals that solely eat people named Herb.

Heartwarming: Tesla released an official Cybertruck advert calendar, and true to form, all of the doors fail to open and it burst into flames.

To advertise and highlight the importance of cervical screenings, we’ve started a smear campaign.

The real Pluribus end goal is them being able to sing “I’m Every Woman.”

Me: I have 9 sheep out in the field that I need to bring in. Farmer: Time to round them up. Me: Okay, I have 10 sheep out in the field that I need to bring in.

When buying from the emotions store, please make sure to check their policies on the receipt as they do not accept any happy returns.

Me: Guess what. I haven’t showered since 2024! Haha! *friend barfs*

Every time the news breaks, the newsreader needs to read it in a deeper voice.

What toy did the Grim Reaper give to their toddler? A death rattle.

I’d love to publicly set some New Year’s desolations but I know I’ll just break them, as always. Sigh.

Me: Doctor, my wife is having contractions. Doctor: Get her in here. Wife: Don’t. Can’t. Shouldn’t. I’ve. Doctor: This is the worst day of my life.

🔊 4'33" (Kidz Bop version)

Thanks to my height, I’m technically short form content.

A plot-essential farting Scot is still called a MacGuffin.

A cock AND bull story? In this economy?

Apart from being in bed, I am almost always head over heels.

I enjoy how a not insignificant amount of slogans and sayings exists simply due to rhymes. If it rhymes then it must be believable and/or true. I bet in non-English speaking countries have massive issues convincing people not to do crime because it doesn’t sound the same as time in their language.

Squids get tattooed by having blood injected into them.

Another hey, another holla.

Pluribus is the best adaptation of Futurama’s brain slugs yet.

*at the football match* Me: Here’s the kicker.

Me: I’m going to die on this hill. Cypress Hill: Please get off us.

Girl, are you a scab? Because I always pick you. 🥰

I’m showing people this post on my phone so they know to not do this.

Evil Steve Winwood be like: Steph Losestone’s Giving You A Lower Hate.

Don’t call it her rack unless you’re planning to coat ‘em.

When animals go to new countries, they have to pass through pawder patrol.

On this plastic surgery show, there’s so many filler episodes.

I’m the king of wistful drinking.

It’s a massive red flag when someone gives you their heart and is still alive the following year, while also singing a song to shit talk you. It’s giving obsessed.

Parker is my pen name.

Parent: Stop playing with your food. Child: Okay so it’s cool to send me mixed messages and buying me a plastic kitchen, oven and a fry up to develop and understand but the second I transfer over my curiosity and creativity to real food I’m the bad guy? Why don’t you stop playing with my damn mind?

No-one ever talks about Suckup, the brown nosing reindeer.

Me, coming home from my sandpaper job: Ugh. Wife: Rough day at the office? Me: It’s really wearing me down.