In this world of instant gratification and electronic messages, it’s really refreshing to receive snail mail every now and then. *watches my postman slowly making their way up my street and leaving a thick trail of slime behind them*

I like my lovers like I like my coffee. With two pumps of cream.

Vince Gilligan put his whole pluribussy into this.

Why is it called sex and not jack in the box?

Time to write this wrong. *crafts more awful posts*

I’ve held my breath long enough. Silence no more. The truth is coming out. The 5p coin is fucking groatesque.

Doctor: Now you see me, now you don’t. Me: Do you always announce people having macular degeneration like that? Doctor: Yes. I am not a good person.

*writes a song called NO FIBRE so the comments can all say “this shit goes hard”*

Headless horseman; an equestrian that’s famous for not getting their dick sucked.

I’m singularity ready to mingularity.

Turn your funko pop into a spunko pop with this one weird tip

youtu.be/3oRdUWWQDAM Now, this is what the internet’s really for.

My dad gave me his guitar, which his father had given to him. It’s his heir guitar.

Me: I love a good baked potato. My potato: oh fuck I’m so high right now

Me, licking lips: This snake ain’t gonna eat itself. Ouroboros, muffled: Um actually

Honk if I’m horny.

Thin Lizzie? I’d rather have a Thick Glizzy.

Me: There’s a hole in my soul. Cobbler: I can also fix those. Me: Damn…okay. *walks around with a Good Year piece of rubber beautifully glued into me*

This slippery water snake balloon thing is really getting out of hand.

Not Like Us was a fun disstracktion.

Interviewer: What makes you want to work here at Wellbeing’s Pharmacy? Me: Well, the logo is a big plus. Interviewer: You are now banned from all of our premises.

Why is it called the One Ring and not autocorrupt?

Me: You know my swag. You don’t know my story. Human: Was your story killing us with fire, stealing our gold and sitting on it like a gigantic chicken? Me: Damn. You also know my story.

Yeah. I’m a bad boy. *fails to successfully do anything associated with masculinity well*

There’s nothing worse than a chef in the kitchen that pass sieves aggressively.

Viagra: It’s Life-Af-firming.

*becomes Hindu* *achieves enlightenment* *mind’s eye finally opens* *it is also shortsighted* *books to see mind’s optometrist* *pays £150 for mind’s monocle*

I bet Judas would do so well on The Traitors.

People are always disappointed when visiting my oversized goose farm “Honking Big Naturals” for some reason???

Murder! At the Crow Bar.

A bloodbath, in this economy? Do we look rich to you? Just use the bloodsink and a flannel, jeez.

I love inside jokes. *exits my house* I also like outside jokes.

Saying that Philomena is even funnier when she’s drunk is a Cunk soshed fallacy.

Why are they called male optometrists and not seemen?

Did you know you can improve nearly any sentence with air quotes? Don’t talk to me until I’ve “had” my coffee.

Me: You guys any good? You can off the perp? Mafia: No problem. We still kill the old way. Heh heh heh. [Later at the murder scene] Police Chief: It looks like the victim was run over by a Flintstones car. So many bloody footprints. Jesus.

We were so poor growing up, we only had 4 gum.

Beeswax? No, they don’t!!!

Nothing more annoying than catching a common cold war.

Why is it called a STD and not a fun gal infection?

Manifesting a story where Batman is rightfully cancelled for telling Mr. Freeze that he suffers from a mental chillness.

There’s always a bigger Phish.

Never forget what they took from you.

From warmongering to worms’ hungering, Dick Cheney does it all, folks.

Me: I’m bringing sexy back. Cashier: There is a 30% restock fee. Me: Okay I’m keeping sexy then. Jerks.

Me: Girl, show me those curves. *she pulls out her Spirograph* Me, hyperventilating: Oh fuck yeah

I misspoke at the deli and ordered the everywhere bagel and they threw it all over the room.

I used to hate pigeons but now I find them pretty coo’.

Me: It’s ok not to be ok. :) Oklahoma, sobbing: But it’s kinda my thing.

Okay I followed these instructions and then they called me a pervert and kicked me out? What gives?