"what are your hobbies?" waking up, getting my ass handed to me by depression, and having -7 energy for anything else

cocaine so white it's a member of the HOA board

"what have u been up to" i don't know

did it hurt? when you fell. we all saw

hey can i borrow one of your redeeming qualities?

sugar, we're going down to

over the top ring announcer voice: LETS GET SWEATY AND MUMBLE

i am now the proud owner of an @lisabug.bsky.social original

*approaches woman in club* Me: Would you like to dance? Her: Sure. Me: While you're dancing can I sit in your chair? I'm really tired.

I can be mean but people being mean to me is against my religion

hoppin around in one huge boot like mario just fuckin trashing this circle k

bro do you even remember the 21st night of September

NPC with limited dialogue who grunts out "welcome traveler, have a look at my wares" when he cums

i take being silly very seriously

“This is a test of my patience” I say, waking up once again

hell yeah I got that tboy swag (appearing unbothered in incredibly stressful situations because I'm dissociating into space)

airport terminal shops in the US are really missing a grift by not selling aerodynamic bras and underwear “to make your plane go faster”

When Beowulf found himself in a pickle, that’s when it turned from classic literature to Vlasic literature

Is it "accidentally" or "by accident"? Anyway, I sawed my assistant in half

knuckle tattoos that say CORN COBS

nobody drops it like it's hot anymore and that's sad

carpooling to fight club is impossible

r/Advice: Accidentally ate some roadkill and it gave me x-ray vision, except for potatoes, I can’t see inside those has anyone else ever have this happen??? TYIA

my therapist told me I'm a really good radioactive listener (conversations with me should be kept as short as possible in order to avoid irreversible health damage)

I don’t look in the mirror because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.

fresh fish subscription box called Codsend

i can never tell if im trying too hard or not hard enough

every "ancient tradition" was invented between 1848-1870 and every "modern perversion" is so ancient that it predates writing

Birdsky is out for blood

Russia's Next Top Love Machine

so has someone named a racehorse Neighlor Swift yet or do I have to do everything around here

you can't scare me. I was a fat kid in high school

I'm at my most awkward trying to exit a door someone else is trying to enter.

neither a NIMBY nor a YIMBY, but a YDIYTICABY (you're delusional if you think I can afford a back yard)

So glad they marijuanalized legalization here

If you build it, I will fall off of it.

in terms of gender I identify as the flute solo in Peter Gabriel's "Sledgehammer"

IP address? dunno about you buddy but I pee at home

me: what seat are you in? her: 11D me: *scoffing* eleventy isn't a real number

flexin my legal mussels at the small clams court (yeah i SAID IT)

psst hey babe nice rack

you look like you were conceived while your parents were fuckin on a cigarette ash covered bed while Afternoon Delight was playing on an AM station on a clock radio

repost to instantly kill an astronomer

yes, I spent a lot of time on weight loss reddit several years back, why do you ask

my least favourite genre of person is the type that moralizes making "healthy choices"

despite my inner critic yelling "u should've expected this": uh no, even *experts* say this fire is behaving in ways never seen before around here Anyway i updated my ko-fi, $1500 for not just the sprinklers ($300) but also hose timers, possible hire of arborist, evac expenses if necc, etc. TYSM!

i'm living proof that you don't need ai to post slop 🥰

[welcoming guests into my home and gesturing to humming machine on counter] oh and, help yourself

i bleed grocery store ambient muzak. but only sometimes

why are the only apparatuses Red Jumpsuit and Golgi. surely there must be more out ther