Joke’s on you. Being ignored is my kind of foreplay.

Are you guys drunk enough yet to find me funny or should I come back later?

Let’s get drunk and watch old Hitchcock movies

I just cut my lip on jagged bread. I have the dumbest problems

I’m already mad about Christmas music

You haven't been reposting me. Is everything okay?

I haven’t deactivated in 5 days. Please clap

Posting all my B sides skeets on Facebook because they don’t deserve the hits.

does the hurdy gurdy man play parties or is it a dream-only scenario

I'm just smart enough to know I'm kind of a dumb ass.

Currently suffering the reality of being old (giving up a concert ticket due to the inconvenience of going)

Your honor, are you judging me?

The beatings will continue until I'm tired of beating you. -me, playing Scrabble

I dug deep and found a lot of things inside of me that I didn’t know were there before. Now I’m writing a Disney song.

I would let you pull my hair

You haven't been reposting me are you OK?

Elaborate? Did I say something?

not many know this but "christmas" means "more christ" in spanish

“do the dew” no, i am not sticking my dick in a can of soda ever again

I use my middle finger to block.

The blankets on my couch are not for you. They are for my cat. You may not use her blankets

*walks out of the woods in the mall parking lot* “I can cut your hair.”

If by housebroken, you mean I’ve broken everything in my house, then sure.

might fuck around and watch modern marvels for 12 hours straight

be a dear and bring me my favorite crazy straw and a bottle of bourbon, won't you?

10 out of 10 pieces of furniture prefer your little toe.

When one of you deactivates I imagine you being taken off stage with one of those big canes

HIM: a martini with your lunch? ME: it’s 5 o’clock somewhere HIM: ok but we’re at work

Mandatory naps at work would fix me

*during sex* okay but why did your tone change

It’s Friday, I’m in loathe

We go together like bathtubs and toasters

I keep the relationship alive by utilizing my other personalities

Poke my ear with your pencil and whisper jokes to me that the rest of the class can’t hear like it’s 1992

When will scientists finally invent a large frog for the home

babe let’s eat the deer meat that gives us strange dreams

ranking grandparents by % racist

I remember the first time I learned there were horny milfs in my area I screamed

Once you earn a goth girl’s trust, you may feed her Mike & Ikes straight from your hand

i feel like Edgar Allen Poe wouldn’t seem so spooky if his name was Allen Edgar Poe

oh no way, that's my favorite show on Netflix by Hulu+ Max HBO Max Just HBO No JK HBOMax Disney&Max x Paramount+-+ Premium

i’m down by the shed just covered in bees

my frown lines have more definition than my abs

Lighting all the candles at this Dollar General, before getting kicked out, to achieve peace and enlightenment.

*watching a serial killer documentary* i could change them

generational wealth is when i leave myself half a donut for later

I’d rather be in pain than even a little bit sticky

Hamburger help me hide this body

you’re either party rocking with me or party rocking against me

Using a baguette to reach the snacks that are too high up to reach in the cupboard