Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria!

well well well, if it isn't me, my biggest distraction

- Can I pet your cat? - Sure, I’ll get the first aid kit.

You dumb bitch -me to me

just got stuck in the dryer and nothing happened i call bullshit pornhub

I will sell you guys out to the aliens HARD

I just ate a KitKat Bunny that had burnt wafers and the sense of betrayal is real

If you come across an abandoned cemetery, you are obligated to report it, I think. But no one's going to get hurt if you have a picnic first

napping fully under the covers like a complete sicko

Could a depressed person do this?! (eats a 6-pack of reese's eggs in one sitting)

Calling the bank teller ageist scum for not offering me a lollipop

Ghosting the sun.

and somewhere an army of stolen lighters is defeating the lost socks in a battle for tupperware lids

I got nothing in common with people who wake up on the first alarm.

rip to all the tweets I thought of while driving and then completely forgot before I got to my destination.

I'm an introvert, but the kind that needs my people nearby while I ignore them.

*accidentally washes the shroud of turin with my towels*

love me love me say that you love me -me, to my dog, who won’t even make eye contact

Two of the astronauts tried to get back in the capsule.

I inherited my love of frozen pizza from my Father’s side.

Sorry for my unpredictability, I was raised by a pack of mixtapes

hey banks stop offering me credit cards have you learned nothing

my phone just changed murder to Mulder and I gotta say, that was pretty smart

Midnight cheese

Of course I’m judgemental. I have to work with the public daily.

floating away to do my rituals

i hope the next big diet fad is putting probiotics in reese’s cups

i’m doing great

is murder lasagna anything?

It is ideal trench coat weather

i love the movie Along Came Polly (2004). peak comfort movie rip PSH

i came. i saw. i made it weird

Turning McRibs into protein shakes for the kids on the soccer team.

I am so ready to rise up against the oligarchs but I’ll load the dishwasher for now

If you say hi back to someone who was saying hi to someone else, that's called a contact hi.

true friends sit in a dark room & bed rot with u on a nice sunny day

Get up loser, I made you biscuits and gravy

Lynyrd Skynyrd was all like “lord knows i can’t change” and then immediately changed tempos

dolly should have just set jolene on fire

I’d like to officially announce that the scale and I are no longer on speaking terms. She knows what she did.

does sleep count if you drank yourself there?

at least we’re all united in our dislike of jared leto

Why waste your time on alpha males when you can get yourself an omega man?

stop making me feel things all you excited space nerds on my television

when someone's trying to talk to me and i'm doing continuous homer high pitched screams in my mind like a scream queen i don't know where this was going but it's true

i would totally join a cult as long as i can do all my cult stuff from my couch and be on my phone

Working my way through the Russian authors, only a few more to Chekhov.

people are literally falling asleep mid-post