When the main guy and 2 backups you’ve been talking to all want to meet up at once

Pretty sure the cat lady at work only smokes to cover the smell of cat piss It’s me, I’m the cat lady

Cancel the plans we made while we were in a good mood or lose me forever

i bet it feels so good for the bowling ball when you stick your fingers in it

i order the batter-fried fish burrito every time because i am a creature of halibut

The Gen X urge to drive around this town, let the cops chase us around

Please don’t be offended if I say I love you but don’t see you. I know how much I love sleep and I never see that bitch.

Saying “no” without explaining yourself and other acts of bravery.

Existential Dread Pirate Roberts

no I don’t raise my own sourdough starter but I do have a colony of lip balms that I have used for more than 5 years

[muffled to dental hygienist, blood dripping down my chin] yeah I hear corduroy is having a moment

First date idea: we get high and take a nap

Changed it up a bit go.bsky.app/MmnKXs7

[flirting] *you're

been a long time since I stapled some papers together, wonder if I still have what it takes

Me flirting: I’ll pull your pork

My insecurities go back so far, they come with wood paneling.

I find you less gross than most people

My ass is fat, you can’t tell me nothing.

How long does it take a Happy Meal to start working?

logging on

*snorting fun dip off the trix rabbit's ass*

I want a meeting with my writers: I'm unhappy with my arc.

Tom Noonan (1951–2026)

If you die in Burlington Coat Factory, you respawn in TJ Maxx

I do 100 sets of tossing and turning in bed I should be ripped by now

*shows up to the drug deal with kohl’s cash*

I weigh myself fully naked. If you don't like it, you can go to a different Publix.

Chin hair so long you claim it on your taxes

No fry left behind.

Backing over you with a car so you feel something. I love you.

[my hair holding a tiny suitcase]: hey man i'm moving to your back

I’m going to sing the YEAH part in Shine by Collective Soul instead of paying taxes

Everyone out here hacking on Friday the 13th like Monday the 16th isn't the real enemy

Potatoes are easily in the top 10 of reasons to live.

Ever having a fine day then remember how Mel Gibson’s wife dies in Signs?

handing out beads today to everyone flashing me their wits

I'll share my root beer barrels with you.

if you feel sad, just remember that i have a fat ass. i don’t know how that helps you but it always makes me feel better

i climbed inside your carcass for warmth please respond

she should have been allowed to kill one guy per season

goats are my favorite animal and one of the reasons is that they can punch you in the face with their face

*starts a fight when all I wanted was reassurance bc God forbid a girl has hobbies*

IDGAF if I ruin a kid’s day when they hand me a controller and I give it back inverted.

simmer down Charlie Brown

Just sitting and visualising my route to the fridge.

Establish dominance by asking other parents if they feed their kids wet or dry food

Bringing that idgaf charm to all that I do

wearing corduroy underarm shields so i sound fast when i run.