Miammi Vice

i need to be gently misted like a grocery store vegetable

the hardest part of having no friends is only being able to be in one cahoot at a time

got pulled over for speeding and while the cop was writing my ticket i read her some of my posts and she tased me

thou shalt not covet thy sisters’ misters

I'd like my obituary to include a scavenger hunt to find my body

Cats are at their highest level of “yeah pick up the pace, bitch” when they watch me clean the litter box and then immediately go when I’m done.

Sorry just was on anti depressants for a year and lost my funny

making out with strangers shouldn’t even be considered cheating when the line is really long at cvs

The Wizard of Oz set very unrealistic expectations of tornadoes.

you’re in his dms, im in the dms of an account he abandoned a week after creating and forgot to delete and prob doesn’t know the password to 💅

nintendo announced they are remaking the last christmas you had before the divorce

I gave it my full 60% at work today and I’m proud

Middle of the cereal aisle is as good as any place for a nervous breakdown

a movie about an ex-cia agent that isn’t all angry and violent. maybe they make their own soaps or really love kittens.

Still find it bizarre that you can legitimately make money from people watching you play video games. Can't believe that I was just giving it away for free to all my bored ex-girlfriends.

Some things are better left screamed into an open field

The Simply Red CD stays on during sex.

I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by having to create password after password

cracking open a cold one with the boys

washing all my clothes on delicate setting just in case they’re having a bad day 😌💕

I won't eat ketchup unless it's fancy

The sexual tension between the people who use jarlic and the people who would never use it

It takes less time to make a bundt cake than it takes to wash a bundt cake pan.

if you're a vampire trying to get into someone's house try this one cool trick. knock on the door and when they open it say thank you. they'll say you're welcome and then you can just go right in

I have to leave the house in an hour to go out in public and interact with people. I’d rather peel my skin off tbh

*werner herzog voice* hamburger will never help you

*casually looking up from phone* shit, am i driving?

There was a JEM and the Holograms episode that made me want to try drugs so bad.

I want to get into just enough trouble that I avoid prison but I have a lengthy house arrest.

The struggle bus was my father. I’m the trauma train.

When someone ignores me, I totally agree

Telling my kid she can't leave me to go back to school bc how will I know which ads are AI

Michael Mann's MANHUNTER. THE FINAL CUT. StudioCanal is unleashing a brand new 4K restoration in select US theaters on July 24. "The ultimate immersive version" of the film.

deep fried depression pills don’t steal this idea

who you are at a four-way stop is the real you

Something to take the edge off (publishing a mid post that gets 8 likes)

(picking sesame seeds off my hamburger) I’m gonna grow my own buns

what if we were two blobs in a lava lamp. do you think we'd find each other

I think I'm just going to copy Don Johnson's wardrobe from Miami Vice this summer

Starting to suspect I've acquired a cursed artifact or two

I can’t watch a tv show on my actual tv until I trust it. It needs a probationary period on my phone first.

Never tell a zombie that you're going to give them a piece of your mind.

"I'm going to eat you in the garage," I say to my banana, as I walk into what I believed to be an unoccupied garage

Undress me with your eyes while you tell me how much you love my homemade ranch dressing

Bluesky users be like

Going to the amusement park today hopefully I’ll get flung out of a roller coaster or something.