Finishing off the conversation with a hand gesture just to make a point.

coolest thing about crafting with hot glue is they'll never be able to identify your fingerprints

all this time we were watching out for the rhythm and its the algorithm that finally got us

*crosses Velcro shoes into an X to feel wild again*

Not really sure why torture methods exist when you can just make them grocery shop on a Sunday.

let the talk to text typos be just leaf them alone ok

Texting everyone at 4am to let them know my baby just did a big poopie

know i talk a lot of shit but thanks for being here you guys

Invite your crush over and trap them in a magic painting

once you go ad free on Spotify, you never go back

ketchup on fries: normal, delicious ketchup on baked potato: demonic, what in the hell is wrong with you

if i was a fly i would simply not land on a plant called a venus flytrap

ffs sometimes bells just toll, stop asking

I am wearing cheese sauce to the apocalypse, apparently.

at least my existential dread has pockets

Actually putting laundry away instead of putting it on The Chair should earn you a day off at minimum

Another day, another opportunity to be off-putting and weird

81 likes 0 reposts says "cool. but no one else needs to see this"

I don’t get how people can text and drive. How do they hold their beer?

High and scrolling, read my own post and thought someone just posted me word for word

laura ingalls but wilder

Coworker relationships are so weird because we don’t hang out or talk outside of work, but I know you tried to run over your sister-in-law once and have a bank account your husband doesn’t know about.

Water: I am the source of all life Also Water: I WILL RUIN YOUR HOUSE

Delete like no one’s watching…

Me: I’m bored My refrigerator: here she comes

therapist: and what should we do when we’re feeling this way? me: keep posting 🙂‍↕️

Imagine sex with me… No. More high-fiving

Today, when I bite down on something, my ear goes *beep*. Never happened before in my life. It’s probably fine

I can’t believe going to bed used to be a punishment.

AI got me pregnant

Burger with a side of cries.

we should have dances held at the bluesky gym

I apologize if I assigned you an annoying voice when I read your posts.

Little Debbie is still a child and if Kirsten Dunst has taught me anything, that means vampire

Let’s rue these posts together.

dont talk to me. i’m eating a triple decker peanut butter and jelly

Crouched in the shelves of the mystery section in the library, hoping you check me out.

A dark foreboding bog where nobody would hear a thing, near me

Everyone’s always going on about 4D chess. Have we forgotten how hard regular chess is? Why not just, “Wow, he’s on another level. He’s playing chess.”

My favorite part of Mondays are when they end.

an edit button but for life choices

sniffing the diesel gas pump for a little variety

I’m too lazy to take a good selfie right now, so just assume that I’m hot.

Malayonnaise: a feeling of unease about mayonnaise

Rummaged around and found my black polish. Tis the season for some boo nail.

Ziti = little tubes of pleasure

i always use a new razor when the lick strip loses its flavor.

A bluesky bio so long you need a nap before you finish reading it.

My cats have you under surveillance. They’re very disappointed in what they’ve seen.

a hashbrown printer could fix me