Effortless, but it's just me not putting in any effort.

I just be saying stupid shit. Yall wild for following me and I love you all for that.

Very touched to receive my insurance company's best New Year's wishes in their corporate email spam blast

Spending the next year commenting, "who's watching this in 2026" on every YouTube video.

I’m still not convinced chocolate oranges aren’t a gag gift.

Wait, am I supposed to work tomorrow?

Dear @PepperidgeFarms pls make the cookie dividers edible they're killing my momentum

walking up to the party with a cartoon bomb that is lit

Why are stupid people also the loudest

Already planning what pizza I’m going to get for lunch tomorrow.

Jerking off a maple tree over my plate of waffles

Fighting for my life on a toilet at Sheetz. Thought of you.

if someone says “ribbed,” and you don’t immediately say “for her pleasure,” we probably can’t be friends

"do you have any resolutions this year?"

When you don’t like my post, I assume your app is glitching

Happy New Year 🎉

Doppelbanger. Is this anything?

My uncle sent "happy new year" to the family group text at 8:46pm

don’t forget 50-70% off all hopes and dreams at Walgreens today

It’s 2026 shave your junk ffs

more like crappy new year amirite

Happy new year!! I successfully stayed home we will see later whether this was a cry for help or me relaxing into myself (por que no los dos?)

happy new year, imaginary weirdos ❤️

wish you were here (yearningly) -me to my package that’s still out for delivery

You wouldn't like me, I'd love you and mean it

rubbing a little nostalgia on my gums

sorry i sighed when I came

last shit of 2025

people stress me out (not you guys. people in my actual physical vicinity)

French kissing my bologna cake at midnight.

i just be talking, i don’t even really know what’s coming out, i just shoot it and send it, that’s really what makes it a skeet

Gently posting and deleting like dipping my toe into a swimming pool.

At least it's a dry cold.

Sick sunset, bro

There is no next year, only Zuul.

*wakes up covered in babybels*

I'm spiking the new years punch with whimsy and poison

Well, my other boyfriend likes it when I gaslight him.

Hopefully that was the last cat puke of 2025

the basket of garlic bread stays on the bed during sex

put my inhaler in my pocket before going out to shovel earlier fuck yeah still punk

Ah the familiar nye panic of not wanting to go anywhere and feeling guilty / trying to convince myself to go out and feeling anxious

i feel like sam elliott in landman season 2 but i’m 50 and way less hot

kissing my cats at midnight

the sluttiest thing a dog can do is not fix their flipped up ear

To each his own fries.

them: *shows me a pic of their new baby* me: that’s ai

Yes, I'm home by 7:30 on nye. Get off my lawn!