My dream job is unreliable narrator

Every week we should all get to vote to take a podcast away from somebody

cats are allowed to be evil, they earned it

*knocking on your airplane window* do you have me muted?

I can already tell I'm not going to like this.

I ran 4 miles and did my taxes. I deserve this pizza.

Telling my Lyft driver about my favorite serial killers

call me old fashioned but I bring enough raw hot dogs onto the plane for everyone

i unfollowed like 5 people now im sweating

they should invent cute panties with lumbar support

No, you can't borrow one of the many hair ties on my wrist. They're part of my body now.

The primal urge to eat cereal before bed

The yearn is out lobotomies are in

Pardon me while I slip into something a little more comfortable (a coma)

Thanks for the invite, but I already have plans to set myself on fire.

A nice thing about getting older and becoming invisible is the number of times the same person will give you a sample of bourbon chicken at the mall

sexting in klingon to separate the wheat from the chaff

I did NOT want to find out about extraterrestrials this way. These fucken dingleberries

Adobe Acrobat has to be the most fun sounding/least fun to use of all programs

there should be a Goodwill place to drop off all the small bags of chips nobody ever wants to eat in variety packs

Your trauma and my trauma just wouldn't get along.

I bought an SUV and immediately a delivery truck showed up in my driveway to drop off a pair of New Balance sneakers, a newborn and a wonderfold stroller.

whoa have we gone back to using ‘u’ for ‘you’ and I missed the memo or what’s happening

sprinkles *fairy dust for happiness *crispy fried onions

My pelvic floor is now so powerful it can defeat men with a single pulse.

Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?

who decided we should work all day on Fridays this is bullshit

why bother getting out of bed in the morning if you can’t be a little weird

you know you’re just a hand towel, right? -me, confronting a hotel washcloth

9 out of 10 creeps recommend telling somebody they don’t want to make them feel uncomfortable

FRIEND: you coming tonight? ME: sure but I’m only gonna have two drinks max *ten drinks later, peeing in the bushes after getting kicked out by the bouncer* WHEN YOU SEE MY FACE HOPE IT GIVES YOU HELL HOPE IT GIVES YOU HELL

He asked if I came and I said “I mean, I came to my senses” so now we’re fighting I guess

Columbia House finally found me and now I owe them 8 million dollars for those 12 CDs I stole back in 1995.

I've got xcix problems but a roman numeral ain't i

When the main guy and 2 backups you’ve been talking to all want to meet up at once

Pretty sure the cat lady at work only smokes to cover the smell of cat piss It’s me, I’m the cat lady

Cancel the plans we made while we were in a good mood or lose me forever

i bet it feels so good for the bowling ball when you stick your fingers in it

i order the batter-fried fish burrito every time because i am a creature of halibut

The Gen X urge to drive around this town, let the cops chase us around

Please don’t be offended if I say I love you but don’t see you. I know how much I love sleep and I never see that bitch.

Saying “no” without explaining yourself and other acts of bravery.

Existential Dread Pirate Roberts

no I don’t raise my own sourdough starter but I do have a colony of lip balms that I have used for more than 5 years

[muffled to dental hygienist, blood dripping down my chin] yeah I hear corduroy is having a moment

First date idea: we get high and take a nap

Changed it up a bit go.bsky.app/MmnKXs7

[flirting] *you're

been a long time since I stapled some papers together, wonder if I still have what it takes

Me flirting: I’ll pull your pork