practical effects make my girl wiener hard

Me: I'm going to have a nice relaxing weekend. My seasonal allergies:

best I can do is drop it like it’s warm

Hard to know when someone is hitchhiking or just being supportive

imagine hating me and i’m just over here singing the gremlins cereal commercial jingle

if you need me, that’s unfortunate

Always make sure to have a backup terrible idea

trying to hide my disappointment when the waiter brings the salad which is not, in fact, the size of a house

Pull my bra strap back far enough to catapult me into another dimension.

The Smurfs should have lived in tiny cacti homes. People were always stepping on their damn houses

An Out of Office that just says do not meddle in the affairs of wizards

and you will know me by the trail of nonsensical skeets

crows should just want to be my friend goddamnit

Of course I dabble in witchcraft, I can fold a fitted sheet.

please respect my personal space, fly

suckin on chili dog season is upon us brothers

soup that makes you forget

*gets myself appraised at Antiques Roadshow

won the wet tshirt contest bc mine was wet with soup

passive aggressively hearting scircles that don’t include me

when life feels too predictable i like to play a lil game called What Happens If I Dont Take My Meds

the sexual tension between me and the send reply button

When a customer says to have a blessed day I like to tell them I need to consult my Magic 8 Ball if I can or not

my dna test came back negative

Hey have y'all heard about the mandala effect

breaking a ritz cracker into four pieces to play holy communion with the dogs

(climbing into bed with phone) oh no, i forgot to brush my bluetooth

There’s a five foot no fun zone radius surrounding me

brb. Going to pretend to do something.

Another one of those days where literally everyone on the road drives like an idiot. Except me, I’m the best driver in the whole world.

I can't eat fig gnutons b/c I have silly yak disease

I loathe you but I’m not in loathe with you

I don’t use Google. I text my friend Randall who used to be a dental assistant

looking for someone to take a really artsy pic of me eating a churro while crying — no weirdos

pronouncing “LMAO” like “el-mayo”

you can’t even pretend to be a nigerian prince these days because of woke

No one pictures everyone in the room naked when they’re nervous anymore, because of woke

blanket fort insurance "sheet happens. we've got you covered."

I replaced the fill valve on my toilet all on my own without even showing my ass crack

Sometimes I sit on my hands until they go numb, then make a sandwich so it feels like someone else made it.

*pokes at skeet with a stick*

I wanna fall asleep in Tony Soprano's bathrobe ❤️

Okay, so here's the deal. I repost you, and you only repost my reposts

I just assume you all look like shrek irl

i wish i had some pasta and $10,000

Christopher Lee and Vincent Price were both born today, May 27th. And Peter Cushing was born yesterday, May 26th. Celebrating these Masters of Horror, especially on this #HammerWednesday. #FrightClub #Filmsky #HorrorSky #botd #otd

I got a sports injury by walking into exercise equipment.

You mean to tell me that a chicken fried this steak?