First date idea: we get high and take a nap

Changed it up a bit go.bsky.app/MmnKXs7

[flirting] *you're

been a long time since I stapled some papers together, wonder if I still have what it takes

Me flirting: I’ll pull your pork

My insecurities go back so far, they come with wood paneling.

I find you less gross than most people

My ass is fat, you can’t tell me nothing.

How long does it take a Happy Meal to start working?

logging on

*snorting fun dip off the trix rabbit's ass*

I want a meeting with my writers: I'm unhappy with my arc.

Tom Noonan (1951–2026)

If you die in Burlington Coat Factory, you respawn in TJ Maxx

I do 100 sets of tossing and turning in bed I should be ripped by now

*shows up to the drug deal with kohl’s cash*

I weigh myself fully naked. If you don't like it, you can go to a different Publix.

Chin hair so long you claim it on your taxes

No fry left behind.

Backing over you with a car so you feel something. I love you.

[my hair holding a tiny suitcase]: hey man i'm moving to your back

I’m going to sing the YEAH part in Shine by Collective Soul instead of paying taxes

Everyone out here hacking on Friday the 13th like Monday the 16th isn't the real enemy

Potatoes are easily in the top 10 of reasons to live.

Ever having a fine day then remember how Mel Gibson’s wife dies in Signs?

handing out beads today to everyone flashing me their wits

I'll share my root beer barrels with you.

if you feel sad, just remember that i have a fat ass. i don’t know how that helps you but it always makes me feel better

i climbed inside your carcass for warmth please respond

she should have been allowed to kill one guy per season

goats are my favorite animal and one of the reasons is that they can punch you in the face with their face

*starts a fight when all I wanted was reassurance bc God forbid a girl has hobbies*

IDGAF if I ruin a kid’s day when they hand me a controller and I give it back inverted.

simmer down Charlie Brown

Just sitting and visualising my route to the fridge.

Establish dominance by asking other parents if they feed their kids wet or dry food

Bringing that idgaf charm to all that I do

wearing corduroy underarm shields so i sound fast when i run.

Day 4871 of knocking on neighbourhood doors to ask them if they thought twilight was problematic and show them my psychology notes on each character in the franchise if they say no.

People who can stop after three chips have also never experienced a real orgasm

neigh

Don't worry about the scratches on the walls on the way to my basement. I just have a really tall cat

Fat ass Tuesday is almost over, ass Wednesday is almost here.

I need more time to do all the nothing I want.

If my swearing bothers you, go to an F-bomb shelter.

Webinar sounds like a mythical spider monster eating villagers who go searching caves for his silken treasures

true love is when she sends you nudes while on the toilet

Shopping for 40% off cookware like our founding fathers intended

Dropping mediocre drivel into your feed with surgical precision.