“Oh, what tangled webs we weave,” I say, as I try to figure out which of my outdated AirPods go with which case.

ok wow they sure give you lots of extra skin as you age

One time I called whale sounds 'Depth Metal' and now I'm banned from every meditation group in my town.

Imagine swindling the Indians out of the island of Manhattan, just to have the muppets take it some years later.

Chaos is my favourite word that's spelled like it means it.

I set my clock back two hours last year, so I'm all set

Don’t forget to plant your unused baseballs from this season so they can grow into a baseball tree before next season that occasionally grabs its crotch and spits.

now that baseball is over, i return ownership of my mental health to where it belongs: in custody of the 22-year-olds at Arsenal Football Club

Toronto, you will not taste victory until you sacrifice Drake

Horror season isn't over. Thanksgiving get-togethers are a few weeks away

Please don't say hello to me if I am not wearing my hello pants.

Mechanic: (pulling something slimy out of the engine of the magic school bus) here’s your problem it’s a giant mitochondria

Arlo remains suspicious of Halloween, as the "trick or treat, smell my feet" method determined these were not even real bones

Last night I had the option to hand out candy or turn off all the lights and hoard. I stand by my decision.

Me: (on a road trip in the family Dragula) STOP SLAMMING IN THE BACK, ROB

The white ashtray bags certainly do not help 🏆👑 Congratulations @adamurb.bsky.social from @jollyrobber.bsky.social 🏴‍☠️

Does the tooth fairy give money for adult teeth that aren't your own? I just found a ton in this waffle house parking lot

I licked your Bsky crush. You can have him back now.

I'm not passionate about sporps but I'm vaguely pleased that our batch of non-Canadian sporpsball mercenaries out-sporpsed the other city's sporpsball mercenaries

Day 107: still standing outside the municipal water supply, shouting at anyone who will listen about the need for pumpkin spice in the tap water

i got a couple birds in the bush and i'm counting their eggs, or however the saying goes

Why are they called worker bees and not swarmtroopers

Seeing a bat is so exciting even more so when it flies out of your underpants

Listen, I Louvre you. I’m just not IN Louvre with you.

Me: why are you only revealing parts of the map GPS: that’s the fog of war Me: (putting on my sword) ugh I just wanted to get some Combos from the gas station

Yawning! At the Punk Show

[Watching Lord Of The Rings with my new girlfriend] ME: In Spain, Elrond is called The Rond HER: Get out.

They only have four strings so they should be called ‘ivolins’. Thanks for reading.

Nail techs see me walk in the door after going barefoot all summer, and instantly, the pecking order is established, and some poor newbie gets thrust forward.

Now I lay me down to sleep I pray the Lord my soul to keep For if I die before I wake I pray the third Paul Blart they make.

One great thing about having a chest wound is you can walk around with a real "what are ya gonna do to me, stab me in the chest?" attitude. I'm just here to remind you that one can have two chest wounds, so you may wanna say,"What are you gonna do to me, stab me in the chest TWICE?"

Playfully spraying my neighbour with the hose as he's loaded into the coroners van

Last night I dreamt I met God but he teased me about wetting the bed

Me: Are you ready for my cavity search? Dentist: please stop calling it that

My wife and I, trying to decide what to do with extra garage space.

[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?

Friend: I found your doppelganger *shows you picture of the worst looking person you've ever seen in your life*

Me, quiet as a mouse: (slapping a mousetrap with stick) SUCK IT TRAP

me: Rain or shine, I think you’re fine. garden gnome: Sorry, I’m really focusing on myself right now.

I really hope the medbed takes Susan B. Anthony dollar coins, I have a whole jug of 'em saved up and boy do I need some extreme dental work

NASA should try to find some ice on earth for once so we can use it to cool the atmosphere

I just watched a squirrel stretching in a tree. It was cute. Like he was oblivious to the impending collapse of the free world. Stupid squirrel.

I put two iPhones next to each other and omg they’re kissing

It’s very telling that the dish washer takes one hour to wash the dishes and it takes me 4 days to put them away.

Villain fashion at it's finest. Everyone needs a chainmail shirt.

Yes, I am having cheese for dinner. 11.5 hour day ffs.

Cheese Rules Everything Around Me

I was looking forward to the high falutin’ fuddy duddies floating off the planet today. Oh, well. Maybe next year.

mentally ill implies the existence of womenshorty healthy