nepotism in the business world is so crazy but to be fair if someone gave me a cushy job id happily call them daddy

hey babe do you wanna go on a pre-rapture frolic through the fields?

does everyone get raptured or is it like a selective process? how do I qualify?

waow

They're strumming your pain in fingerchat

You're wearing THAT to the rapture

If you have nothing nice to say, just say it on Bluesky

hey babe do you wanna go on a pre-rapture frolic through the fields?

[spelling bee] Your word is 'bananas' Gwen Stefani: *whispering to herself* c'mon Gwen, you know this

I feel hungover from sleeping too much and you're trying to tell me there is a god???

Move along darling I'm not the nightmare you're looking for..

Who wants to meet up and do a rundown of the seven deadly sins. I don't want to risk my name being on the rapture list by accident.

is it even a horror movie if you don't double check all of the locks on the doors in your house before you go to bed?

another monday in everything-is-stupid land

I'm at the intersection of "we needed this rain" and "this is great napping weather"

Rap? Sure. Well my name is weeder and I'm here to say, I make bad puns nearly every day.

have they fixed autism yet

I put baby oil on my screen so I can skeet faster.

the way you tell if you're in the good timeline is whether Surge Baja Blast exists

i am not going to smother my child. since i am a dad i believe it is called sfathering

throw a stick at the wall and see if it spaghettis

ME: sorry, I’m ticklish NAIL TECH WITH A BLOODY RAG TO HER NOSE:

i think the most important thing you can do to prepare for the rapture on tuesday is give me your bank card and pin code. there's no atm in heaven and i need to buy a wolf alice hoodie at the concert that night.

I've printed out thousands of pictures of Rick Astley for the post apocalypse to put into cabinets and cupboards that i've already raided of canned goods

some bitch showed up to my friend’s baby shower pregnant, like does it always have to be about you Jessica???

pulling on the penis. popping it like a finger knuckle

I haven’t had time to think lately and it’s really given me a lot to think about

Oh yeah? Rapture this! *points to my butt

My plans for world domination are foiled only by the need to do dishes and laundry

my anxiety is chronic but my depression is clinical (and also chronic)

taping the small dorito pieces at the bottom of the bag together to make a normal size dorito makes them taste like tape

Can we change BREAKING NEWS to HEART BREAKING NEWS already?

eating pussy with my eyes open to maintain tactical awareness

You can steep your teabag in my hot water if you wanna

let’s start calling sweatpants, pajama pants, and any other non-constricting soft pants “boneless pants”

you should buy a new shower head . no pressure .

So much research going into why zebras have stripes but maybe it just makes them feel pretty

with a little love we can make this amazon warehouse an amazon warehome

Well, I’ll be damned. -me arriving in Hell

If you don't tell your kids that chocolate milk comes from brown cows and strawberry milk comes from pink cows, are you even a real parent bro?

I really thought I was gonna have to stop, drop and roll more in my life.

“Do one thing every day that scares you” well I’m a woman

Rawdogging this Monday as God intended.

they call them “vans off the wall” because you have to ask them to get you a pair “off the wall” in the shoe store. i never knew this

the timeline is so much better when you mute the shit out of words you don’t want to see

Just because it wasn’t funny doesn’t mean I wasn’t joking

at my funeral there will be hot dogs

love it how they tried a bunch of nuts and were finally like “actually it taste better if we extract milk from oat”

yeah I’m sex positive, positive I haven’t had sex in a while

billionaire is short for williamionaire