proof of life, sorry i’m so quiet🖤

tweety’s least favorite band is the puddytat dolls

Merry morning to all you sexy beasts

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH

"Sorry, I have plans this week" My plans:

I say a lot of stupid shit for someone who isn’t a politician

post banh mi clarity

anyone tried this

sucking face, platonically

can someone tell me why 4-year-olds are like this

caught her playing with the catnip pickle

every person in that Politico article looks like they came out the womb wearing transition lenses

Frog and Toad Are Gonna Fuck Shit Up

unfollowing everyone who has never said “word” as a complete sentence

her husband, Tall Bob: what

if hamburger helper sales is a recession indicator i’ve been in recession for 30 years

most likely to die from a cocktail toothpick lodged in my small intestine

T Pain undergoing a course of corticosteroid injections and massage therapy and now he's just T

i’ve had a tummy ache all day and i am disappointed to say that i was not brave about it at all

i've lost the will for you to live

Home is where the pants aren’t

please don’t show me that gourd headed man again

how happy we’d all be if this was all the internet was for

you aren’t “caked up” you have lead poisoning

if I ever draft a personal army I’m going straight for Starbucks employees, those mf’ers seen some shit

If you finish Hot Ones without crying you should be allowed to punch that Sean Evans guy in the face

chekhov's bluesky account would have been 🔥

*brings a turkey sandwich my mom packed and an apple "because it's sweet AND it's good for me" to a knife fight*

I’d read you a bedtime story and tuck you in and then watch you sleep.

everyone on bluesky is currently and has always been 36 years of age

in light of peoples’ bad bunny bowl reactions, I think we need to start confronting people with questions like “why do you believe that you are entitled to enjoy everything that happens?”

I used to have a lot of hopes and dreams and now all I want is an upright freezer for all my winter soups and stews

Oops I deleted slack and outlook and threw my computer in a ditch

be your own problematic fav

The only reason to fill your face with fillers is to ensure you have mayonnaise for later.

the human mind cannot comprehend: a joke

yeah i have FOMO Fun On My Online

i’m just a human, i fuck your mom just like everyone else. one pump at a time

hi r/clowningaround !!! casual clown here. just wondering what the fuck i'm supposed to be doing

soup is crazy one day someone said dinner will be wet

i come on here and say stupid stuff bc everything is stupid including me

it’s a huge relief that i don’t live near any of you the excuses i’d make for not meeting up would be so fuckin tedious

Blake Smell. Mookie BUtts. Alex Balls.

do you bite your tongue at me sir? no! i bith my thung it hurths

we are the sons of the hamburgers you could not help

[james bond voice] the name’s goose. silly goose.

I'll find you in every lifetime (menacing)