Doctor: have you been drinking? Me: no, your honor

doth the reply maketh the guy

You know what’s top tier? Your mom.

I’ll eat 7 string cheeses and hide the wrappers in your pillow case idgaf

Have all you want with the Eat Dicks Not That diet 🏆👑 Congratulations @kmoney202.bsky.social from @jollyrobber.bsky.social 🏴‍☠️

I reference The Matrix a lot for someone who’s never actually seen The Matrix.

Listen. I only just worked out the Bad Bunny stuff. I don't have anything left in me to work out medbed.

A party bus that stops at different Ponderosas

In the 70s, if you didn’t have a gong, you weren’t getting it on.

200lbs of tacos would fix me

People who block over a bikini pic probably wear turtlenecks to the beach.

Good morning to everyone except those people who are still on Twitter.

I’m doing Bluesky the same way I did Twitter: by posting absolute garbage and telling people to go fuck themselves.

I don't understand the appeal of chicken wings. Like, here's some spicy bones, you'll need a shower afterwards.

Because people are stupid, your honour.

Support your friends’ art! Get you a friend that can knit and take beautiful pictures and then buy their shit! Thank you for these beautiful pieces! 🩷 @leela-after-dark.bsky.social @joemcasta.bsky.social

anyone else ever have an irrational fear that you’ve been hypnotized without your knowledge

confident that if they could, cats would smoke cigarettes

I think it might be cold enough to wear an absurd onesie

I swear to fucking god these Gen Zers

A group of white women is called a privilege

Do vampires dip their Arby's in blood

A mini pizza at 2am did in fact fix me

A graveyard account, but for all the posters we lost along the way

Greece vacation is over, we now return to regularly scheduled meme posts 😎

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought about you naked… And tied to a train track.

Sorry Gen Z, I’m not taking life advice from people with tube socks.

I got called young and fresh and vibrant today. By an 81 year old who would clearly know better than anyone

What idiot called it a period tracker when flow chart was right there?

[being put on a blocklist called deeply unfunny] awww... they think I'm deep

When you think the argument is over but then you hear them mumble some shit under their breath

If you must turn 47 and you must be out of town for a conference and solo on your birthday, can I recommend having this image greet you when you walk out of your Airbnb bathroom naked after a shower

When covid hit I would take my kid to the lake, point to the frogs and say “them’s good eatin!” Follow me for more apocalypse tips.

[during sex] wait til my therapist hears about this

These people are FUCKING EXHAUSTING

Yes my sweet Jimmy dean emailed me yesterday about my pancake on a stick purchases. I’m used to wood in my mouth so

is this @thelouvreof.bsky.social worthy because

I’m convinced 95% of 60 mins ratings is people that fell asleep during football and left the tv running

I hope you win the lottery and lose the ticket

Women should brag about the size of their vaginas

Keep your medbed. Holding out for the Jetsons conveyor belt that gets you ready in the morning

Were you on Twitter? Your belly looks familiar

Sorry I can’t hang tonight, I have a date.

Texas chainsaw massage

My Big Fat Greek Prostitute.

I’m sorry babe, that was just the forever chemicals talking.

I'll start going to church when they have free wifi and recreational drugs.

My wife when I clean the house, make dinner and tell her she's pretty.