Let's watch some disaster movies and make tuna casserole

It’s been so long. I miss you guys❣️

I'm the kind of crazy you want on your side in a bar fight.

full moon tonight so don’t forget to charge your crystals and vibrators in the moonlight ✨

Riding off into the sunset on a man’s moustache like it’s a noble steed.

my mother explaining EXACTLY how she wants her food prepared as my father silently pleads with the server not to spit in it

was arguing with someone and they said i have just never heard good techno and you know what i think they were right

PSA scroll to frame the entire post

Congrats Turnstile!

I'm not sure why some people become so mean when they drink alcohol. When I get drunk all I want to do is get naked & eat tacos.

Here's a concept: Women can exist without you being a fucking perv

psa: this doctor ruined my life, do NOT take his advice

Me: *plays Steve Miller Band* Also me: suddenly a divorced dad with a boat

Female dragonflies will fake their own death to avoid mating with an unwanted male and I for one am impressed by that kind of self care.

Not shaved, not natural, but a secret third thing (crop circles)

This is how porn starts

I do, but only because it's @benedictsred.bsky.social's birthday. I've been on a week long ice storm vacation from electricity, but had to stay alive to wish the very sweet angel baby Jason a very happy day. Won't you join me?

If babies are so cool how does a 2 foot gate shut down their whole operation? Checkmate, idiots.

The B in BMI stands for Bullshit.

I've decided I hate robots.

I'm so done with today that I burned my bra.

Beginning to understand why the kids were eating tide pods there for a bit.

boiling potatoes and thinking about anarchy

so what animal needs to see its own shadow for us to get six extra weeks of spring instead

Me: This was the longest workweek ever. Them: It was a four day week. Me: Them: Me: This was the longest workweek ever.

#Caturday:

Wanna come over and pop my corn?

What more do you need?

Wherever I am I will always find the best dive bar

typical orange cat selfie

I've had six cups of coffee, I'm vibrating into other dimensions.

Go away loser, I’m not approachable.

Tonight! On our casino floor! Gambling!

*takes out one earbud* has anyone seen my kids?

the hyuckleberry is the goofiest of all the berries

if i ever hit 10k followers i will finally log off and know peace

Tiny beautiful things.

Who called it a handjob and not a protein shake?

My ear hurts, so I’m going to put some music in it and see if that helps

If you don’t follow me on bluesky you die in real life

Nothing good happens if you fall asleep on the toilet.

I like to remind myself at times like this

Training for the UFC by going to Waffle House and talking shit

"Great. I'll bring my accordion" ~ me whenever I'm invited somewhere

sleep is a myth perpetuated by Big Nightmare

Pronouncing “seance” like “fiancé”

The Powerpuff Girls had dicks for legs. Think about it

The girl with the dragon dick

Titandick