It's 10:00 p.m. Do you know where your sanity is?

Training the new guy & he’s easily distracted. I’ve had to say, “focus!” Maybe I should share cheese with him when he does well.

Yellowstone but it’s about the Jolly Ranchers.

Mayonnaise by the foot

Where do I throw in the towel and do I need to fold it first.

The date was going well until her husband showed up

I am truly in awe of the Pacific Northwest. I’m so glad it’s home. West Point Lighthouse Beach • Discovery Park 📸 #photography #seattle

Stocks rise on news that most of the ill effects of the war will fall on poor people.

Sandee LaMotte for Cannibal News Network

Best Star Trek Captain. Wrong answers only.

Everytime is see a type of pizza I‘ve never tried before, I feel sad.

Haven’t eaten cereal in decades, had cornflakes and milk and I’ve made a huge mistake letting this back into my life.

wait… you have irl friends? I don’t understand

cinnamon toast crunch has never left me on read

driving instructor would be a terrifying job send

[having lunch with Nelly Furtado] ME: Aren't you going to finish you lunch. NELLY: I'm not very hungry. ME: [under my breath] Like a bird. NELLY: What's that? ME: Nothing. [under my breath] Now you'll only fly away. NELLY: Did you say something? ME: Nothing, never mind.

might make eating McRibs my entire personality

la croix announces it will be pivoting to AI

Johnny Depp is in a lot of cologne ads for someone who looks like they just hit a Febreze bath after a smoke break

I wouldn’t know an unhealthy relationship if it tied me to a chair and went through my phone.

getting a tattoo on my pubic area that says “no highly esteemed deed is commemorated here“ just to make it clear to people what they’re getting into

Who’s buying me this ring? I NEED THIS

What movie defines the '80s for you?

At the gas pump thinking, “I have enough money to live comfortably for a while, provided they reopen the Strait of Hormuz by next Tuesday.”

My mind, when someone explains Lord of The Rings: “A ring… okay, a volcano… uh-huh, a big eagle… right, a meth addict… got it.”

Unhand me, sir. I see an ice cream truck.

I’m not sure why I’m getting such a kick out of this, but on my walk this morning, my foot slid on something laying on the sidewalk. Looking down, angry and expecting to see a pile of dog crap, I found, much to my delight, that for the first time in my life, I’d actually slipped on a banana peel.

currently living in a time where i'm staying informed on a majority of news via shitposts on here is bringing me great joy

murder mittens thinks sustenance is cool, really

One time I wrote a fucking 20 page paper on Ceausescu’s social control policies, I think to myself while blowing up balloons for work.

if you’re looking for someone with orange cat energy i’m your girl

i’m pretty much down for anything cinnamon

<irony> Let's see, I'm a subpar intellect without social graces, profoundly unhappy, prone to fits of jealousy, friendless... wait! I know, I'll become a reply guy! That will fix my life! </irony>

When is this fucking autocorrect going to learn when I type hell I mean hell and not change it to he’ll

The only USA thing that I still fully embrace is the portion sizes

The Gary Busey impersonator who was drawing a chalk outline around the dead cat in the parking lot turned out to be the real Gary Busey.

If I’ve just started following you, and have liked at least three of your posts in rapid succession, we’re dating. Buckle up

“What’s wrong, babe? You’ve hardly touched Fishhenge.”

My favorite question to ask men who hit on me who tell me they are “separated” is, “is your wife also separated?”

I’ll be training the new guy at work tonight. I’m gonna need to bring extra cheese.

Hey people who still go door to door selling stuff? Are you okay?

an epipen filled with emergency gravy

"I'm not upset," my wife said, digging a large rectangular hole in the backyard.

You're allowed to be treated how you want to be treated. I, for example, would like to be treated like a large bowl of potato salad

Waitress: what can I get ya? Me: I'll have the rum cake but with the rum on the side Waitress: so you want a glass of rum & a cupcake? Me: yes please

Just got my 23 and me results back. Turns out I'm a cunt

Someone just smiled at me! Quick, what do I do? Too late.

Books do a body good

I know y’all hate the capital one guy but I’d climb him in a second