getting blocked by a ‘man’ is so funny like awww little princess did I hurt your feelings

My wife left me saying I was too paranoid and insecure. No wait! She was just making a cup of tea.

What if this whole excursion to Iran is just a ploy of Big Green Energy to force us to be woke?

Traffic so slow the playlist made it all the way to Blue Oyster Cult

fighting the patriarchy by not telling this businessman his fly is down

Wanna come over and listen to my California Raisins record tonight babe?

I’m gonna go fold laundry and shake my ass while I do it

Cop: you have an outstanding warrant Me: why thank you

normalize dropping to your knees and sobbing when people won’t stop talking

cut my life into pieces please and thank you

Ok, I’ve had enough of today. I’d like a refund.

Be the egg salad to my tuna salad.

We'll be offering continental breakfasts until we can find a cook who can get here by 6 a.m. without acting like such a goddamn baby.

there isn’t enough time in the day to be a woman

normalize walking into the sea after the slightest inconvenience

"Take medication with Cookies" It says Food, but I know what they mean.

i've done my high intensity workout (19.9K posts) now give me my donut

one of us either needs to take grandma to the optometrist or tell her no more cats

Judge *angrily* : I’m sorry what did you just say to me? Me *smugly* : Stenographer if you would please!

idk, that’s awfully judgy, don’t you think your honor

I know some of you from the old country* *Twitter

Your honor, I'd like to use the "I know you are but what am I" defense

My favorite part of Star Wars was when Ripley would give a hysterical guy the Vulcan pinch thingy

“GUYS! WAKE UP! SOME DUDE JUST ATE CARL!”

If little red riding hood is dumb enough to mistake a wolf in a nightgown for her grandma then she deserves everything that comes to her.

If no one told you today, nice tits

Unpopular opinion

“euthanasia for one, please” -me, at the doctor’s office

My email sign-off is "Best," but my internal vibe is "Please leave me alone."

I turned notifs on for people who are always here. So basically, we live together now.

You never like my skeets, of course I have a crush on you.

Take a Closol 🏆👑 Congratulations @holojester.bsky.social from @m1keonl1ne.bsky.social

I think I’ve experienced enough lifetime trauma to justify becoming a serial killer and I’m honestly a little annoyed I turned out to be a people pleaser instead.

The energy between us is orange cat.

[me, complimenting someone] well, at least you’re not AI

Not now babe, I'm sorting my pills for the week

too stressed to be blessed or whatever jesus said

might start saying the p in receipt

Sunday night bra removal. Done.

i’m such a tradwife that i can’t climax unless i’m fantasizing about churning butter

My electric frypan died so now I have to use an acoustic one.

On a foggy early morning walk through my quiet suburban town today, I watched as other trudging figures began slowly emerging from the mist, and suddenly I felt like I was a member of the cast of a zombie apocalypse film comprised exclusively of middle-aged white guys.

My favorite part after sex is checking to make sure that they didn't steal anything from my house.

Don’t be like this #FilmSky

I'm lump I'm lump I'm lump I'm in your head ...

I need toast.

The idealized version of myself, will fix everything tomorrow

This remains a philosophical account You’re welcome 😎

let’s order takeout and watch viewer discretion advised television

So I said to myself Pumpkin, I said, Pumpkin, you don't need a girlfriend, you need a hobby and a nice cup of tea.