Squishing my boobs against the window glass for attention, no intervention is required.

Irish*

Slightly increase a band: Red Hot Ghost Peppers.

Slightly increase a band: Fleetwood Mac & Cheese.

Might start busking as a belly dancer to earn a few extra quid.

What happened to Trump suing the BBC, did he just forget?

I've worked my tits off today from home to try and finish a bit early. It's 1:30pm and everything is done so I'm going to wrap myself in my blankie like a productive burrito and have a nap.

We're going to need to prepare for the 250th anniversary of the US in a couple of months, with some of them thinking they're the oldest country in the world. How can we tell them without seeming patronising or just laughing?

My dad: Can you give me a lift to the pub later? Buses aren't running. I'll buy you a bottle of wine. Me: I would've done it for nothing but sure. My dad: What? Me: What?

I wish I'd never discovered what ballmaxxing is.

Smothering myself in custard, please respond.

Oof www.youtube.com/watch?v=WPbe...

I've started a band called 999 Megabytes, we don't have a gig yet.

Wearing my Supergirl costume under my work outfit.

Me swanning into work remembering it's Friday.

Actors and Athletes demeaning themselves by doing UK adverts for delivery companies and washing liquid makes me feel better about my life, a little.

Man who has more money than sense is still a moron.

Use your ears instead of your mouth was probably the best advice I was ever given.

2 grand for a new mattress is just ridiculous.

Seeing this doing the rounds and had to contribute.

Much lolling.

Tough today but happy with that, I got the right areas at least lol. www.maptap.gg May 5 98🎯 99🎯 87🎓 87🎉 92🏆 Final score: 908

My boobs are looking particularly good today.

Not so great today. www.maptap.gg May 4 99🎯 94🏅 99🎯 90👑 90👑 Final score: 931

Eating ice cream from the tub with one of my disposable waxing spatulas because I can't be bothered doing the dishes.

Happy with that. www.maptap.gg May 3 99🎯 100🎯 97🔥 95🏅 98🎯 Final score: 972

If my vibes were made into an album, the cover would be this.

Just walked past a club playing this so had to go in and buy a drink. youtu.be/vth-T1u7A58?...

The rain has finally reached Sheffield at 10:15pm and I am not prepared, stuck in the city centre without a brolly. I have made bad decisions.

Snooker would be a lot more entertaining with theme songs. Snookered? Jaws theme. Long pot? Terminator theme. Long pot success? Witcher 3 Silver For Monster.

Work corporate have offered me a night out in Manchester for the Fabio Wardley boxing match and I dunno how to say I am not interseted in the slightest without sounding rude.

Making these at the weekend.

Using gummy bears as toe separators so I have a snack after painting my toenails.

I'm not condoning what that man did yesterday in London but was it really necessary for two police officers to kick him in the face while he was down and tasered?

Boss: You need to accept your accomplishments and reward yourself. Me: Ok thanks I will. *books spa day on company credit card*

When it happens I want to commission one of those shitty 80's holograms that show Trump's face and his death mask when you wiggle it, for comedic effect.

I just burned 50,000 calories taking off my socks while standing.

Techbro stock needs to devalue more than 50% for me to count it as a crash.

Without trying too hard, where are you mentally?

On the phone with a client and they apologised for some work not getting done and said "they only get paid from the neck down" and it's a brilliant metaphor for a lot of things I encounter during an average weekday.

Watching bats in the back garden is my therapy.

Assassins are a bit shit these days.

Listen up you guys. www.youtube.com/watch?v=vbtt...

I've just ordered a dart board, not to get good at darts but so I can throw objects into the eyes of my enemies.

Nap dreams are better than full REM sleep dreams and I can't explain this phenomena.

Ordering Thai Kanom Jeeb dumplings and crispy belly pork because I'm hangry.

Giving this a go.

White floofy things all around in the air today, I think it's trees pollinating but they are everywhere!

This is still a masterpiece of EDM. www.youtube.com/watch?v=KB8a...

This is 14 years old and still slaps. www.youtube.com/watch?v=lTx3...