Pam Bondi shrugs off dismissal as attorney general, citing she’ll have more time to watch grainy video of Tr☭mp rubbing his mangled genitalia against tweens. - 𝙍𝙚𝙪𝙩𝙚𝙧𝙨

I’m just trying to live long enough to die somewhere else.

Just read a screenrant article which called the Alien franchise a “cult classic” Sorry, if you’re going to be a tv/movie writer, find out what terms like cult classic mean “Yo, you hear of this movie Alien? Almost nobody has”

Told a coworker nobody liked him anyway after he announced to everyone he's leaving the company, but it turned out to be an April fools joke . . . awwkwaard.

Yeah, wut?

Another thing broken in my house? Whoo boy, I’m gonna need a smoke break before fixing this gas leak. One thing after another

Throwing Ropes Thursday!

Don’t ever fight the riot police and don’t grab their riot shields and twist them clockwise to take away any strength they have to push or pull and possibly break their arm. It’s the wrong thing to do.

Reid Wiseman is the most astronaut name ever.

Prevent my own birth. Why?

New comic! Wherein Cord fondly recalls pranks past.

I’m in a funk today and not the Jamiroquai kind.

New comic! Wherein Cord gears up for April Fools'.

Being an adult is mostly keeping your composure during WTF moments.

Old Beatles fans are like Ringo was a really good drummer so they probably haven’t heard any other drummer in 60 years

Happy You're an Idiot if You Believe Any Major Entertainment Announcement Day!

We’re at Applebees and you didn’t order the riblets? You’re not the person I fell in love with

Idea Kid’s cereal that looks like bugs, kids will think it’s fun and then you can put a couple real bugs in there to trick your kids into eating bugs and parents will think it’s fun

People used to say “It was a gas” which meant having fun which makes sense cus having gas aka farting is fun

Back when Biden had been in office like a week the prices went up at Walmart and my dad said “Thanks Biden” as if he had control of Walmart

Forget pineapple on a pizza, we should be discussing chunks of raw potato

For you fantasy nerds out there I was skeptical of a few of these but the ones I looked up checked out

Gas is so expensive that truckers have suspended the ass and grass options.

Using my mezzaluna to chop herbs but mostly to tell people I have a mezzaluna.

Happy Transgender Day or as I call it everyday but especially today

🎶Yo Dre, I got somethin to say Fuck my apartment lease🎶

I’m going to have to start saving my Christmas and Birthday money if I’m ever going to be a billionaire

Daredevil and Ninja Turtles crossover The Hand vs The Foot With music by The Shins

Mash Up Bands Marillion Manson

Chess player: That’s check AND mate! Me: In this economy?

New comic! Wherein Cord self-assesses.

I like giving names to my furniture . . . right now I'm chillin' with Oscar the Couch.

“Manly Men In Territorial Disputes” A new show by Tyler Sheridan

I vote Democrat because they more closely align with my values of diversity, equality, and the uncanny ability to shoot oneself in the foot repeatedly.

🎶 hold me closer necromancer

Greeting every robin I see with “Hi fat robin!”.

I preferred the old void order.

Crazy only looks good on you if you're already good looking.

Disassociatin’ to the Oldies

The fucking around, I’ll give ya. The finding out? That’s gonna cost you.

New comic! Wherein Sock reflects on the viewing habits of yesteryear.

“Treat yourself!” My self-esteem: Like shit?

To publicly lose cool credits - I don’t like Pink Floyd and only kind of get it if you’re on acid at a laser show But still I’d rather be on acid at a different band’s laser show unless it’s something really bad like Phish

In second grade for Halloween there was a pumpkin carving contest where we brought in a pumpkin we brought in from home. It was a “Everybody gets and award” It was an every gets an award type thing. Mine had sharp teeth and eyes that were “on fire”, I thought it was badass. 1/2