New comic! Wherein the holiday festivities roll on.

I admit I was passive aggressive after that Ex: If one of her regular customers asked if she was there and said what she looked like cus they don’t know her by name I would tell her passively “One of your regular customers came in and asked for you but… 1/2

One time at my work I went out for drinks after with a couple male co-workers and there was a bachelorette party in the bar who we briefly chatted with The next day one guy said he should have asked that girl for her number I asked “which girl? The blonde girl?” 1/3

Cherish your backstories (and your soup).

Some people are not worth your time or your sanity. I wish I had learned this lesson sooner.

The moment I had been searching for and dreamed about has happened I finally found my real dad I hadn’t ever searched downstairs where he was watching tv, I dreamt he was in the kitchen eating a pumpkin with a open can of Mountain Dew inside that he had baked which was weird

At the end of Dispatches From Elsewhere Jason Segel admits that he’s rich and entitled but he’s lost himself as in the real Jason Segel and the moral of the story Dispatches is that as people we are all together, we are ourselves and we are each other So now I realize I’m rich and can do whatever

Goddamn, why is so hot in my room? - me wearing a heavy bathrobe over my clothes and under a blanket

Oh! I liked this game but never finished it! *re-downloads* Oh yeah, I remember this sucks

NO! That’s not it, idiot! - me being pissed off that the magician got my card right

*pff* Nice berry storage Where’d you get it? The berry tycoon store?

It’s never too late to absorb your twin in the womb

I have a friend that when asked for ID he hands them an old early 90’s wrestling trading card of “The Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiasi

“Quit playing games and grow up” - Me losing at Candyland

I hate artists that tell you what they made is magical and beautiful instead of letting their audience decide Except for me, my stuff IS magical and beautiful and if you don’t see it you just don’t fucking get it

Magic and beauty is all around us, people! You just have to look for it! People like this are also giving themselves a big pat on the back for giving magic and beauty to you

I was enjoying the sci-fi show Dispatches From Elsewhere when it was a mystery but then it became metaphysical anything is possible self-help free your spirit and discover yourself

In the sci-fi show Dispatches From Elsewhere there’s a virtual reality helmet that can take your memories and you can virtually move around in them which just sounds like the ultimate crying machine

Getting drunk on Bloody Mary = tomato sauced

Movie theaters forever.

At only 28 years old, Sydney Sweeney has already written a memoir about her career.

Considering how much praise it got, I think I might be the only person who thought Knives Out sucked

Me: Is this chickaty da china? Waiter: Yes, it’s Chinese chicken - me ordering orange chicken

People who say “God is a woman” like it’s empowering probably haven’t read the old testament and know what a petty, cruel, vindictive, violent, murderous, hypocritical, manipulative etc. being he is. He’s the epitome of every negative trait a being can have.

New* comic! Wherein Cord vamps it up. *drawn last year and forgotten about

I've seen every season of me and I still don't understand my current episode...

I like it when tv/movies take place in Seattle cus that’s where I grew up and despite being a major U.S. city, it’s rarely used I especially like it when they’re not reinforcing the misconception that it rains all the time. Seattle is right in the middle of average rainfall in the U.S.

Asphinctersayswhat Hahahaha I heard you say what through the internet

The idea that goldfish have a 3 second memory is one of those bullshit urban legends like the “statistic” that people swallow an average of 8 spiders a year in their sleep

Honor your promises (and your soup).

Its beginning to look a lot like Christmas ... bah humbug ... I'd rather it looked a lot like summer on the beach.

I was in a psychiatric ward of a hospital for my severe clinical depression years ago During a Monday group session a therapist asked how the weekend was and I said “Crazy. It was like a nuthouse in here” They asked what happened and I was like “nothin, nevermind”

Gawd All this fungus and mushroom caps ‘n shit growing out my nose is gross but the dust cloud of spores when I sneeze is funny

I’m always falling through the floors of old buildings while cleaning out the living dead ‘n shit

I’m always tired at night now and awake at day. I’m supposed to be up all night like I used to be and sleeping all day cus I’m all goth ‘n shit

I grew up in an old house with no heat in the bathroom, so stepping out of the shower at 6:00 a.m. during the bitterly cold winter months involved singing a song about what an incredible badass I believed myself to be.

I used have a car keychain that said “ASK ME ABOUT MY LOBOTOMY” One time my mom fell down the stairs and split her forehead and had to get 7 stitches My mom borrowed my car to go to the store she had laid down the key to get into her purse The clerk looked at the key and saw my mom’s forehead

Apparently the Walgreens ad executive: what do have for me? Ad guy: we just copy Christmas Vacation Walgreens guy: Amazing!

Tv/movie rule If there’s someone in the late stage of pregnancy they WILL be giving birth and usually at a time of duress Almost always they will be extremely angry when giving birth and will be constantly screaming and swearing at someone that’s it’s their fault for supposed comic effect

I like Handmaid’s Tale but it’s frustrating The handmaids live with their commanders who are the far right religious government that have taken over the third eastern part of the U.S. They have the easiest access there can be to murder all the government but don’t do anything

In Handmaid’s Tale, June’s stellar sneaking skills

Actually let me amend that, June still hasn’t done anything, it’s Bradley Whitford’s character who is actually the doing things

It only took a full three seasons of Handmaid’s Tale but June finally did something

Gas prices in the streets Ass prices in the sheets

New comic! Wherein Cord harps on fairness.

Remember how extremely dumb EVERYONE thought Dan Quail was cus he accidentally spelled potato with an e at the end? Kinda puts things in perspective now