Just found out Hattori Hanzo was a real shinobi (ninja) in the 1500’s Not a swordsmith though as popularized by Kill Bill The legends of Hanzo swords in different entertainment aren’t real but I had figured he wasn’t a real person either

🎶“Oh look, there's a rape machine I'd go outside if it looked the other way You wouldn't believe the things they do”🎶 - Down In The Park by Gary Numan

I’ve lost count of the number of times Trump has *literally* admitted the election was rigged But who *actually* wants the Democrats to do anything when their motto is “let’s not make waves in the spirit of make believe non-existent unity. Don’t rock the boat”

Happy Work Naked (While Eating Soup) Day!

If you're a fan of my stuff and would like to help me continue creating during a difficult time, kindly consider sharing this post, leaving a tip, or becoming a monthly subscriber.

My anxious stomach’s like, “Hey, wanna hear my impression of two cats in a knife fight with Donald Duck?”

Just skimming some headlines and different heads all over Europe are resigning their jobs because they’re in the Epstein files but just about everyone in the U.S. are just fine SURPRISE!

I’ve got a new complaint

If we were to bring back dueling, we would have a lot less offended people.

"Everything's interconnected, man." -me, high at Legoland

"Your laugh is like a sunset," I say right before I nail gun my hand to the frame of a revolving door

I'll hold your hair back so you don't get any apocalypse on it.

*me traveling back in time to meet myself as a teenager* Teen me: Tell me something about the future Me: There’s tv shows based on videogames that are really really good Teen me: bullshit, you’re not from the future

As I get older I've come to realize there is no position I can be in without some part of my body falling asleep.

Teamwork makes the cream squirt

Churches have laser benches

I’ll use your product after I shampoo my hair on one condition

Check the trunk of your car and make sure they’re still there

National Optimist Day is canceled on account of reality.

What better way to show you don’t GAF than to GAF?

Turns out eight (8) is the magic number of fucks. (Though the joke is obviously on me for continuing to respond.) (1/2)

TPUSA? More like “TP for your bunghole USA,” am I right?

Get psyched for the Super Bowl (of soup).

New comic! Wherein the guys celebrate National Optimist Day.

New comic! Wherein Cord gets even.

Compelling points, person with no actual posts.

Unless doing so could be construed as polarizing, in which case they’ll decide against it in the interest of national healing or whatever.

It would suck if you were turned into a vampire like at year old and then you spend the next 400 years being 1.

New comic! Wherein Jenkins is unlucky in love.

I mix up The Phantom Tollbooth and A Wrinkle In Time and I don’t give a fuck

I only go where people like me . . . that's why I'm home most of the time.

Innocence and indictment in four separate criminal trials - one of which resulted in conviction on 34 felony counts, and three of which were thrown out solely because of your re-election - are basically the same thing, right?

My apartment during the months of December through March.

People who talk to their dogs are not judged as harshly as those that talk to themselves.

Hey IT fans, in Joe Hill’s (Stephen King’s son) tv series Nos4a2 there’s a map the shows thin places between worlds and where Derry would be in Maine it’s labeled Pennywise Circus and Pennywise makes a short like 5 second appearance

Crampy Canes *pretend I said this during Christmas

Doing my best to avoid swearing in this comic, but I've exhausted all possible variations of "butt" and "flip."

That’s weird. Whiskey makes most people sober.

It’s the ultimate version of that Beavis and Butt-Head episode where they’re tasked with selling candy for their school and repeatedly use the same two dollars to purchase (and consume) all of each other’s candy.

According to NWA I have no life

Where in the world are they getting housing policy right? I’d like to learn from that. 😊🤞🦋 #Housing.

Me, a food critic: this tastes like french things that taste good tastes

Mexican Coke™️is just Space Coke and Dreamworld Coke mixed together with mexican stuff

During beer commercials, beer should flow out of your tv. I called the company that made my tv but they didn’t know what I was talking about. Of course you don’t know what I’m talking about, I’m telling you for the first time, idiot.

New comic! (And happy Pound Dog day!)

#GroundhogDay #TheHoliestOfDays

I think things are great except shitty things that suck shit, they suck.