spotify can kiss all deez nuts into the woodchipper nuts first stop using it

punk music couldn’t resurge at a better time in my opinion actual punk, not green day punk

My sweatpants are calling my name

it's happening

yo i need a double cheeseburger not a drill

both girls went to the game wife and i tryin to stream it just like old times

“do the dew” no, i am not sticking my dick in a can of soda ever again

things you never wanna hear at a golf course: yeah, i play a bit. about a 12 hdcp yer done bro, don't bet what you don't got

So, not only that, but it's @professorkiosk.wtf's birthday and @aquavulva.bsky.social's as well! Holy birthdays, Batman! And *I* only share a birthday with my new bff, Mary, at the co-op. Who had to ask my birthdate for the hard cider. Wait until I tell her about this!

[first date] THEM: so what are you looking for in a relationship ME: can you post my shower thoughts before i forget them

o/u on lebron getting good at golf 2.5 yrs

i don't know who u are, but i... i'm with u bro

Holy crappity crap. youtu.be/TK-8gfqmFNo?...

MiL passed about 90 minutes ago. She’s still here in the house. Yet I continue to drink and shitpost because I am fully committed to the cause.

it should be illegal to roll your window down and listen in to someone else’s drive thru order. that is an intimate moment a sacred ritual that ought not be desecrated

bangers? best i can do is bongers 💨

roses are red black are the coals; guess my stage name —

so 18's HS is playing my wife's HS for the chance to play in state football tonight i may be going to a HS football game tonite *starts pregaming

I just farted. Everyone put on their HAZMAT suits

They put out an APB on me (always posting bangers)

Look, I'm not "murder someone in cold blood" evil. I am however, "set up an open bar with complimentary bowls full of sugar free gummy bears and/or olestra chips and lock the bathrooms" evil.

Change a letter, make a singer less appealing: Raw Charles

⚜️ THE DEENY COLA COLLAB HAS DROPPED! HERES MY DAD MAURICE WITH HIS "GOOD VIBES ONLY" SHIRT⚜️

Change a letter, make a singer less appealing: Englebert Humperdonck

My birthday is overmorrow.

Does anyone know if Pinky and the Brain ever did take over the world?

craving spam and eggs basically just wish i was on a beach in hawaii

one day i hope to have a wing of a bakery named after me

It's never too early for a Caturday portrait, I tell him, while sensibly moving out of range of those claws.

We talked about your dress before the party We talked about your dress at the party We talked about your dress on the way home from the party Now that we’re here…can we just drop the subject

Off-season beaches are the best beaches. Next question.

Just went to the Popular with Friends feed and nobody knew you

turns out i don’t quit bad habits so much as shuffle them around a little

I completely forgot it was my birthday today because I’m totally humble and shit

I just took a laxative and then some nitrous oxide. It was for shits and giggles.

unclench your buttocks

Hey! Existential dread is my best quality.

just pondering all the hell I’ve taken for over the past 8 years I’ve been saying that a person who won’t date a trans woman for the sole reason of her being a trans woman isn’t a safe person for anyone

Energetic music and band director Beck Watts says Transgender Awareness Week, November 13-19, helps all of us think differently about the world and ourselves. "Student and staff voices bring a lot of life and creativity to our classroom. That's what education is about." #TransgenderAwarenessWeek

If you are wanting to help, buy a gift from Jules.

neat, this cuck chair reclines

Sorry I haven’t been posting much lately, you guys. I’ve been really busy *continues putting pegs in Lite Brite*

We go together like bathtubs and toasters

It’s Friday, I’m in loathe

Won’t you join us this Thanksgiving? We shall keep the day in fasting and in prayer, mayhaps catch ye end of ye Lions game praise Jah

what do I do if I don't own a wood chipper

sipping a protein shake, putting away laundry and having deep philosophical thoughts on socks

benjamin is wistfully looking out the window while thinking about @aquavulva.bsky.social ‘s bday and hoping it’s a fantabulous one! 🙌🏻🎉🎂