training for my own little version of the biathlon (finishing a basket of chicken wings then taking a shot)

The app that tells you everything you are currently outside of and then dives down into what you're currently inside of is just too nesting doll GPS for osmosis traffic

Hi! Use Alt-Text! Because visually impaired ppl are not the only ones who don't know who tf is in your meme or gif, or pic. Ty, A visually impaired person

I can fit that entire bowl of olives in my mouth ~ Jesus (from the unredacted Bible)

monobob les go

choking on my spit but you know seductively

*lowering my voice and leaning in as I tell someone that my dog is adopted*

As a kid I never imagined I’d be richer than my dad, older than Batman, and smarter than the President.

Drop an album that was important to you when you were 19

“THROW HER, THROW HER!” my wife screams while watching pairs figure skating with the passion of 80,000 Romans gathered in the Colosseum circa 100 AD

Sphinx: Answer my riddle and you may pass. Oedipus: Ooh, does it have to do with me boinking my mom? Sphinx: *eats him*

beef stew on the stove the aroma is heavenly

I was here.

11 am crimes have really dropped since Sleep-In Woman snoozed this city 🏆👑 Congratulations @sixfeetofcandy.bsky.social from @californiahorst.bsky.social

When in doubt, butthole.

Lazy Sunday.

Bootsy has the right idea on this lazy sundee

i'm starting to think you can't trust everything you read on the internet

Any bread can be sourdough bread if you don't wash your hands when you're making it

call me joey the way you got me woah-ing

City of Love

i’m a disney adult (can’t have sex without mice watching me)

roses are red grass is green snow is white poetry is easy

Shite I’ve saved from the chipper #BlueSkyArtShow #Wood

I could get used to this sitting around the house doing nothing

I made some bsky valentime's cards to send to your valentime (🧵)

You can put your arrow in my heart if you wanna

Bagpipes sound like an instrument invented during an argument.

Still plenty of time to ruin Valentine's Day.

few know the historical origins, but on feb 14th, 1929, seven men of Chicago’s north side gang were massacred in a parking garage near Lincoln Park. The seven men were lined up against the wall and subsequently executed with a tommy gun. The shooter? a man by the name of cupid

usb is short for unlimited sandwich bar

Tosca for president!

i want, no i need a Brasil winter olympics beanie

the curling droid footage that's me

I don't always eat Indian food i like to keep it special i always get tandoori chicken and garlic naan tho cause it's special

asking the salesman at the gucci store for a haute pocket

sometimes your back hurts too much to shitpost so you’ll just shitpost another day

i bet it would feel so good if we could put our bodies into low power mode

nice shitpost you got there be a shame if someone were to make a serious reply to it

*pronounces plunger like hunger*

Roses are red. Violets are blue. Be my Valentine. Oh no, not you.

What base is it when he lifts the restraining order?

My kittens have grown up too damn fast. Here's Copia (gold tabby little girl) and Double Whopper With Cheese (dark grey pretty boy)

foxtrot uniform charlie kilo tango hotel india sierra

oh snap valentine’s day was almost on friday the 13th

Sorry I'm late, I was talking to the stars again

if i was in charge of flags i would tell all these indistinguishable 3 stripe countries to fucken lock in and get their shit together

ever hang out with someone you think is very complex and deep then realize that they’re just a depressed moron with tattoos

out of all the skiing events, moguls make me cringe all the knee flexing and then three jumps mixed in? respec