earlier i had the thought “i wish there was a way to create vegetables at home…” and so i jammed out on that idea for a while until i realized i just invented farming.

yes i’m FINE. F uck I ‘m N ot E ven close to having a bridge named after me

how do i get a bridge named after me do i just have to cross it really good or what

ordering the release of the Edmund Fitzgerald files

waht

me: damn spotify just keeps playing the same songs [spotify plays me a new song] me: what is this horseshit

There’s no way goats are real

I got on the floor to do my foam roller and got startled when I rolled under this lil face

So um. This is what's been up with me for the last year. I hate hate hate asking but very much appreciate your support. www.gofundme.com/f/fund-me-if...

we have gone from a world in which we were told not to cite wikipedia because it was unreliable to a world where wikipedia might be the only reliable source left on the internet and we all owe a lot to the pedantic nerds who got us there

can u even believe how sleepy she is

I miss flip phones. There was nothing more intoxicatingly bitchy than snapping your phone closed to hang up on someone.

They ruined clothes, and we let them. It used to just be women's fast fashion, but now even men's jeans are 30% stretchy plastic. Most clothes made now are so bad you might as well order them online and get them shipped straight to the landfill to save time.

sometimes my brain just plays this on repeat

This is a thread of my very specific and inconsequential gripes. I just need to put them somewhere to free up anger molecules for more important things.

I hate it here man

I know there’s a lot going on but is anyone else really pumped for season 5 of Slow Horses

this is an unrepentant criminal

My dad called so our cats could FaceTime

think I’m gonna start an MLM company as a bit. we sell costume jewelry infused with peptides to promote gut health. also travel packages. if you wanna be in my downline be sure to get in early for a free seminar on how to fake your own death when this thing collapses.

At this point I’m convinced this is the only fact men know

👇

this is, hands down, the best video I've seen on men's influencer content and it's not close either

It’s fun to imagine these people trying to take my IUD. Come and get it motherfuckers let’s rodeo

I watch a stupid number of documentaries and I have strong opinions on them but no one to talk to about it, so this will be my documentary thread where I talk to myself thanks

It's Friday night baby

i hate in documentaries when the villain of the story shows up and dramatically sits down in front of the camera after we’ve been hearing about their misdeeds for the past 45 minutes. like no go away i’m mad at you right now

if you’re giving a press conference and don’t repeat questions from the press into the microphone so we can know what the hell you’re responding to, you’re tacky and i hate you.

“I never saw it coming” she said about getting diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2024

This made me want to double check my voter registration - if you're in TN and want to as well, you can at tnmap.tn.gov/voterlookup/

Wait are the flags at half mast because of him or because of what day it is? Because I will have special angry feelings if it’s the first one

if you’re giving a press conference and don’t repeat questions from the press into the microphone so we can know what the hell you’re responding to, you’re tacky and i hate you.

George Floyd was a father too and Charlie Kirk called him a “scumbag.”

Sounds interesting. Tell them first?

sometimes I get bummed out because I think I’d be really good at improv but I care too much about the people in my life to do that to them

is sleep hygiene in the room with us right now

how do I recover from this

there are two types of cats

“i’m in my box now 🥺”

I used to be chronically online but now I am barely online so on average I’ve been medium online for the past decade and I don’t remember why I initially started this sentence

me a few steps away: y’all got gilbert grape or what

I thought that was a McDonald’s medium fry stuffed in a chips bag and I was like “hey there’s an idea”

"MOZZARELLA STICKS FOR EVERYBODY!" 🤣 Cubs broadcasters Boog Sciambi and Jim Deshaies said they would buy mozzarella sticks for an entire bar in Iowa if the Cubs turned a 6-4-3 double play. That is exactly what happened. 😭

I’m all for girlbosses scamming their way into millions with revolutionary technologies based on one’s blood, but even this sounds sketchy as hell lmao

please don’t go outside unless you’re curious about what it’s like to walk directly into satan’s butthole

that's the stuff

it’s been thundering all night but she just bravely came out from under the bed to purr and drool on me like a lil baby doofus