Every right wing commentator literally tweeting this take out rn

For this week’s @novelizers.bsky.social, I wrote a version of the Scream cold open from the perspective of Drew Barrymore’s popcorn Narrated by The Daily Show and Spider-Man 2’s Aasif Mandvi! Listen if you like scary movies and/or anthropomorphized Jiffy Pop podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/a...

I’m good at getting my boomer parents to watch good TV (see also: The Chair Company, The Rehearsal, How To With John Wilson, Detroiters)

Two different TV shows this week have used a character driving a Cybertruck as a joke that they fucking suck

He’s raising an army of designated drivers

Wow Trump really threw Riley overboard, but at least she can swi— ah, well

Cmon man

People accusing Chuck Schumer of just sitting there writing strongly worded tweets are wrong. They are not even strongly worded

I don’t wanna instruct people how to do their racism, but it feels less impactful if you tell people you PLAN to offend them at some undetermined future date

Imagine the republican rage at realizing the moon is not white

Both great at hiding things

Excellent timing because never has the world been more on the side of robots or cops

Deciding on a restaurant with your partner at 9 PM like

If he ain’t forgiving Kyle Gass live on air and apologizing for throwing him under the bus, I ain’t interested

Damn, the strike was a great way to get your steps in

Exec 1: "What if we made a show about Godzilla-sized monsters (including Godzilla!) but every episode was about a human love triangle instead" Exec 2: "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. There needs to be TWO love triangles"

Trump being roused out of a medically induced coma to post a racism so everyone knows he’s alive

Sorry but the response to the guy saying “BlueSky sucks because everyone picks an enemy and tries to chase them away” being “go away dude you fucking suck” is very funny to me

The “Play Stupid Games, Win Stupid Prizes” Hall Of Fame

“Oh hey it’s the mom from Unhappily Ever After” - me getting kicked off the first episode of Jury Duty

This being posted by Consequence Magazine is pretty funny

Well then I am about to contain high levels of lead

Happy “Please, Brands, Just Let Me Go About My Day” Day

Somewhere Josh Gad did this at the same time

Judging on this week’s Drag Race was straight-up gaslighting. Juicy lost that challenge unequivocally, and Jane was solid, should’ve been in the top

It was a Gimme a break-in

Hakuna Illuminata

New “most pathetic thing I’ve ever read” just dropped

“Are you guys ready for an adventure we never mention or refer to again!?”

“We’ve morally debased ourselves by working with a transphobe and created an environment where a black actor is getting death threats from fans but at least in the end we made something that looks exactly like the movies that already exist”

If you think this is crazy Jimmy Fallon is writing the Winds Of Winter

Did I just hear a bubble burst

Doctor: Have you started drinking more water like I asked Me:

How is this stage so gigantic and intricate and they shoot Conan in front of this same-ass branch all night

Zach Cregger first Whitest Kid U’Know to be thanked in an Oscars speech

So untalented he can’t even get uncanceled

This looks like the kind of photo they use when someone dies and it got me excited for a second

It’s alright, I work down there at a research station with about 12 of my boys and a few dogs and we’re gonna check it out

You should be able to bounce someone from a city

I know The Pitt doesn’t drop helicopters on its doctors like ER or blow them up like Grey’s Anatomy but this mfer gotta go

I’ve read The Magic School Bus. Those are red blood cells

No idea if this is true but if it is, +1 point to Chevy who is now just -4,999 in the hole

“AND your lapels aren’t the right width for your face shape!”

It goes 1. Scream 2. Scream 2 3. Scream (2022) 4. Scream VI 5. Scre4m 6. Scream 3 7. Bud Dwyer clip 8. 9/11 9. Scream 7

Imagine being this lazy when all you gotta do is talk an hour a week about how much you like god

I realize we’re supposed to laugh at this but how did they lose that much money?? WB just had one of the hottest box office runs of all time last year. How are they still bleeding money

Jingling keys in front of a toddler

Look to your left. Look to your right. If neither of those uncs are chopped,

Men would rather go on a podcast to talk about a movie where a mobster goes to therapy than go to therapy. I’m back on @1999thepodcast.bsky.social to talk Analyze This — check it out!

You can usually bet on that I’m out wearing some sort of Jurassic Park garment