The hospital texted me a $14,000 bill on Thanksgiving morning, truly the US is the greatest country on Earth

I pulled a muscle in my back getting my slippers out from under the bed, just put me down now

My dog loves slot canyons, apparently

My work anxiety is teaming up with my money anxiety and my health anxiety and they've just stopped to pick up my holiday anxiety and they're all on their way to party with my insomnia

Bf, when all of his grad students are being difficult at once and all of mine are excitedly showing me their new data and going off to conferences

Everything is terrible so I want to say something nice (which is very unlike me). Here it is: @hankgreen.bsky.social's work on Eons was fabulous and I use so many of those videos to enhance lectures in my university classrooms. My students love it.

great. just what I need, my tax software telling me to kill myself

After exhausting all other options, I’ve decided to lose my shit.

I don't know why the "Piggy" thing is bothering me so much. It's one more unforgivable thing in a list of 20,000 unforgivable things, but I've been mad about it for like 12 straight hours.

IMPORTANT UPDATE. OUR VERY DRUNK ADMIN ASSISTANT SAYS HE WAS GIVEN *ONE MILLION DOLLARS* to start this major, this man is so shitty he was stripped of tenure and demoted to lecturer for BEING A SHITTY PERSON

if you see us at the drive-through liquor store in our pajamas at 9pm, no you didn't

I always wear latex gloves when I chop jalapenos due to an unfortunate fingering incident with my wife back in 2007.

i know the world is going to end soon and everything, but like why do baby carrots have to be so wet?

Student: Ugh, I think this ultrasonic water bath should be working for cleaning my samples but it's not! Me: Did you try putting your samples into beakers instead of these tall flasks? Her: (sheepishly)........you mean like you told me to in the first place? Me: Her: I'll go get some beakers

Made a comment about Fraggles today, and a 20-something woman hadn’t heard of them. It’s now been pointed out that Fraggle Rock aired FORTY-TWO YEARS AGO good god I’m nearing the end.

Evolutionary psychology!!! “Neanderthals, whose lives we know literally nothing about except that they were wildly different from ours, had a sexed division of labor in my evidence-free fantasy about them, which is why you shouldn’t get subsidized childcare.”

Academia, where the shittiest person you know just created a new Ethics major

Hard to overstate the lifeline this ruling offers in the face of Trump's calculated cruelty. It will not only keep tens of millions—half of them kids—fed this month, but will also prevent the evictions and shutoffs that would have resulted from families being forced to pay for food out of pocket.

if you don’t spend several hours a day on your phone you’ll miss all the Crap and Bullshit

Why do four year olds know so much about dinosaurs, like lil bro you’re younger than my car loan

Every time I have a follow-up with my knee surgeon, she sighs and says, "What are we going to do with you?"

I told my Dutch chaos-colleague that she has "resting incredulous face" and accidentally prompted an entirely new insecurity

I kind of forget that Denmark exists unless it's in the news or I randomly think about Shakespeare

TORGO, you have failed us TORGO, go get their bags TORGO

University administration: Being the absolute fucking worst since 387 BC

He made his blankies lumpy, and now he is le sad

I got shouted at by a student who bombed a test, another who was mad they couldn't redo an assignment, I had 4 hours of sleep last night, and a colleague just sent me a 90-page curriculum proposal that she expects me to read....today. All for less money than I made without a PhD. Academia!

Trump: don’t take acepitoemponoene RFK Jr: *moth crawls out of mouth* A nude man is in the background, only referred to as “the colonel” Person watching on tv: well if they say so

I want to be nicer but people keep saying stupid shit around me.

Explaining to instructors for the millionth time they can’t use images without citations even though they find them online and get back “what if I use ai?” What if I dunk you in the barrel the Judge dunked the shoe into in WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT. Let’s ask the real questions here.

Charlie Kirk spent his life‘s work and all of his energy and time targeting out-groups while arguing for a world in which gun massacres would be easy to enact, plentiful, and inevitable, and he became famous and wealthy doing it, and we’re now not supposed to mention that because it’s not polite.

Is it too much to ask to see a video of him falling down and popping like a giant water balloon? I don’t think that’s too much to ask.

I found some cheap concert tickets for a band I really like, but saw after I bought them that the show starts at 9pm. I am taking this as a personal affront.

One day, you're young and carefree, and the next, you're enthusiastic about trying a new brand of shower cleaner

I did a lot of drugs when I was younger on my way into work this morning.

reskeet with a tweet you still think about

sorry for being a huge bitch it's just something I love doing

Me, drunk, shouting: OKAY, FOGHAT WASN'T GREAT BUT YOU ACKNOWLEDGE THE FOGHAT INFLUENCE ON THE SOUP DRAGONS, RIGHT My bf:

I can hear the high school band warming up across the street after a summer away. And so can the poor dog on the next block, howling like her heart is breaking.

I have fully hit perimenopause. My dear mother has promised me bail money in case a man dares to sass me. Or just breathes too loud in my vicinity.

a university is not for generating profit, it provides cultural enrichment via weird little gremlin people who love visigoths or haikus, and very occasionally a scientist who figures out faster than light travel

“I am a libertarian” = “I have had an easy life but am abnormally ungrateful and loudly wrong on a daily basis because I believe in some bad writing that matched my anger-first limited brainpower”

people need to see the upside of ai. if gpt girlfriends mean your wife can't leave you and robotaxis mean your truck can't break down there's going to be a lot less country music in the world.

the evolutionary benefit of men balding is it increases the earth’s albedo, slowing the effects of global warming. thank a bald guy in your neighborhood

Me: I'm going to do it. I'm finally going to buy myself a new desk. *Clicks order button* *One lens falls out of my glasses*

alright chill out i just said i wanted to trade your human rights for my own wealth and comfort it's nothing personal jeez

"gonna be one of those days," I say for the 17,886th consecutive day in a row

We put up more shelves because my books and rocks and fossils were filling all available space. But now there's *empty* space, which definitely means I need to get more books and rocks and fossils.