Trump: don’t take acepitoemponoene RFK Jr: *moth crawls out of mouth* A nude man is in the background, only referred to as “the colonel” Person watching on tv: well if they say so

I want to be nicer but people keep saying stupid shit around me.

Explaining to instructors for the millionth time they can’t use images without citations even though they find them online and get back “what if I use ai?” What if I dunk you in the barrel the Judge dunked the shoe into in WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT. Let’s ask the real questions here.

Charlie Kirk spent his life‘s work and all of his energy and time targeting out-groups while arguing for a world in which gun massacres would be easy to enact, plentiful, and inevitable, and he became famous and wealthy doing it, and we’re now not supposed to mention that because it’s not polite.

Elon Musk is engaged in open chemical warfare and killing the people of Memphis and don't let people tell you this isn't a race thing. a white South African dumping toxic gasses onto a majority Black city isn't something that is happening by coincidence

Is it too much to ask to see a video of him falling down and popping like a giant water balloon? I don’t think that’s too much to ask.

I found some cheap concert tickets for a band I really like, but saw after I bought them that the show starts at 9pm. I am taking this as a personal affront.

One day, you're young and carefree, and the next, you're enthusiastic about trying a new brand of shower cleaner

I did a lot of drugs when I was younger on my way into work this morning.

reskeet with a tweet you still think about

sorry for being a huge bitch it's just something I love doing

Me, drunk, shouting: OKAY, FOGHAT WASN'T GREAT BUT YOU ACKNOWLEDGE THE FOGHAT INFLUENCE ON THE SOUP DRAGONS, RIGHT My bf:

I can hear the high school band warming up across the street after a summer away. And so can the poor dog on the next block, howling like her heart is breaking.

I have fully hit perimenopause. My dear mother has promised me bail money in case a man dares to sass me. Or just breathes too loud in my vicinity.

a university is not for generating profit, it provides cultural enrichment via weird little gremlin people who love visigoths or haikus, and very occasionally a scientist who figures out faster than light travel

“I am a libertarian” = “I have had an easy life but am abnormally ungrateful and loudly wrong on a daily basis because I believe in some bad writing that matched my anger-first limited brainpower”

people need to see the upside of ai. if gpt girlfriends mean your wife can't leave you and robotaxis mean your truck can't break down there's going to be a lot less country music in the world.

the evolutionary benefit of men balding is it increases the earth’s albedo, slowing the effects of global warming. thank a bald guy in your neighborhood

Me: I'm going to do it. I'm finally going to buy myself a new desk. *Clicks order button* *One lens falls out of my glasses*

alright chill out i just said i wanted to trade your human rights for my own wealth and comfort it's nothing personal jeez

"gonna be one of those days," I say for the 17,886th consecutive day in a row

We put up more shelves because my books and rocks and fossils were filling all available space. But now there's *empty* space, which definitely means I need to get more books and rocks and fossils.

what do you mean “don’t speak ill of the dead?” some people deserve to be spake ill of. it’s not my fault they croaked

Post a dog you would fight a bear for

Lotta Spotify algorithms taking a trip down memory lane this day

HE WAS THE VOICE OF A GENERATION'S DISCONTENTNENT

My dad, when I was a teenager: Everything you listen to is about sex! Meanwhile, my dad's music:

Not me googling “chronic venous insufficiency” to see if a quick death is a possible outcome

All my shit is ganging aft agley.

Stages of life: 1. Birth 2. You gotta be fucking kidding me 3. Death

democrats say people don't want to talk about Epstein, they want to talk about kitchen table issues. hey guess what, people at kitchen tables are talking about Epstein you gormless dipshits

She’s a 10 but she likes me so she’s gotta be pretty badly damaged in some way.

Now THAT's a cease and desist letter

Mom's doctor: Your cholesterol is a bit high. You need to stop eating butter. My mom: Oh hell no.

Nurse anesthetist: You're going under general anesthesia, so no making any big decisions or major purchases today. Me, as my eyes open: I need an enormous staghorn fern over the tub in the main bathroom

I'm looking into whether we can exchange this country for another before the 250-year warranty expires.

Because the first people that tried saying "oneteen" and "twoteen"got punched in the face.

Your School House Rock moment......

Today, I am drinking in the tub to celebrate getting rid of our horrible houseguest, unlike the last several days, during which I drank in the tub to avoid him

If you use ChatGPT I think you’re a loser. Hope that helps.

It's crazy to think of how much better the world would be if one person had the courtesy to die

Putting on a brave face but deep down inside I’m really wishing I had a tiny baby goat

"At any decision point, the GOP will behave in a way that is dumber & meaner than expected" is the only heuristic that has never led me wrong in US politics. People think I'm joking or exaggerating for rhetorical effect when I say that, but I'm dead serious. I can't think of an exception.

A guy I don't like much and who has significant medical issues requiring assistance decided to drop in on us unexpectedly for *two weeks,* order me around in my own house, make a mess, refuse to shower, eat all our food, and generally be an unpleasant asshole. - How I wind up on a true crime podcast

I rigged my friend’s fridge to play Toby Keith any time he opened it as a goof, but now his butter is racist

I need much less People Time, but what I'm getting is more People Time. Help.

As historian David McCullough expressed in a 2003 interview: “Writing is thinking. To write well is to think clearly. That’s why it’s so hard.”

I personally like Mamdani, but my big fear is that Democrats nationwide will take the wrong message from his victory and try running likable candidates with good policies all across the country.