Adulthood can be best summed up by the fact that I was really hoping to buy a new grill this summer, and instead the hot water heater died and I needed knee surgery

The thing about being ruled by a gerontocracy is that cohort mortality is a probability density, meaning all these fuckers start dying around the same time -- in clusters. The same Weibull Distribution "bathtub curve" explains why batches of light bulbs and hard drives all die in the same month.

*blowing cigarette smoke right in the face of everyone who just woke up to the news* "We already did all the jokes"

To be a historian is to speak ill of the dead and the rest of you should take more history classes and join us.

Here is Graham gloating about "killing all the right people." Just in case you see anyone try to do the whole "we should have decency for the dead" nonsense.

every dead senator gets a thoughtful obituary lauding their “courage” and then if you look it up the courage was filibustering the Give Medicine to Cancer Kids act

Mainstream Respectable opinion is that people joking about a bad person's death represents a culture of cruelty, but really it represents a culture of impunity. It's a coping mechanism for watching someone do evil their whole life and never seeing consequences

‘guy who died while we were waiting to hear if another guy died’ is a fitting and worthy epitaph

mitch mcconnell hamlet 🤝 to be or not to be

"how were people writing 10 page papers before AI???" we were smarter than you. you could've been smart, too. but you sold your brain for nothing

my mom and I don’t agree about a lot of things, but she recently informed me she thinks AI is evil and ushering in the apocalypse so at least that’s one thing we don’t need to argue about

Oh, you refer to yourself as sassy? You seem like a nightmare.

It never ceases to amaze me how much this guy who is succeeding because he’s getting things done while communicating just common joy is continually being painted by projection.

If you stop believing survivors when the perpetrator happens to share your political party, then you're trash

*Playing a board game* Me: Ohhhhh yes, I think I WILL have the Mountain King Bf: Me: Wait, that sounded wrong

doing anything with knitting/crochet is just you repeatedly coming to the humbling realisation that you cannot count

Happy 250th birthday to America, I guess

I'm the reason we have an entire freezer drawer for ice packs

*Literally anytime I do something* Bf: Are you sure you should be doing this? Me: *glares* Also me: *immediately injures myself*

If this is the best we could build with all our consciousness and intelligence and opposable thumbs, then there is something fundamentally flawed with the human species.

In the hospital for a surgery a few weeks ago. Exhausted looking tech came in for routine bloodwork. He'd done 300 draws in 2 days for a health fair and was on his very last nerve I said, "I'm sorry, I'm kind of a hard stick," and I watched that poor man die inside. He never did get blood out of me

Can’t sleep? Simple methods that work: • study hurricane forecast • who hates me • what did i forget • relive supreme humiliation • win 12-yr-old argument • buried alive? could happen • what i did vs should have done • dead people i miss • what if i’m bad • why do i say stuff • what’s my fuckin deal

Noticed a hummingbird shows up at the garden every evening at the same time, so I spent $60 on flowers for it, and now I’m financially and emotionally entangled with a flying sugar addict.

I got an incredibly bitchy email from my Dean this morning accusing me of not responding to an important email from the higher-ups. It was nice to simply forward it to him showing that it had not only been sent weeks ago, he was copied on it. Then log out of my email and daydream of arson.

The only reason to count calories is to see if you beat your high score

Happy Pride to this Caravaggio self-portrait that made one man so gay he had to go to the hospital

yeah i have a retirement plan. it’s called “get run over by a waymo and sue”

Owning a fixer-upper is fun because you’ll hear something, ask, “what the fuck is THAT noise?” only to realize it’s the teapot and the water is warm and not something else that needs repair.

I have never walked into an Ace Hardware without looking like I just escaped some horrific Victorian mental asylum. Wild-eyed, covered in dirt, dead spiders in my hair, mumbling about my house trying to kill me

Trying to figure out why my seed potatoes are off to a slow start and.......what

*Training grad student in a complex chemical reaction* Her: How the hell do you keep track of so many things at once? Me: Practice Her: There's that word again!

The staff at this posh LA hotel are very amused by my hail-totalled car, but not at all in an unkind way. More in a "you're one of us" kind of way that I am totally into

The whole reason I went into academia was so that I wouldn't have to sit through meetings about meaningless bullshit like "operationalizing change," and yet here we are

Me! I am one of those academics and you can be one too!

On the one hand, it's nice to get a break from Canvas. On the other hand, I have 100 panicked students all emailing me at once.

I'm coming up on my favorite time of year, wherein I get to dress up like a fucking wizard and tell a ton of proud parents and caregivers such good things about their now-23 year-old kiddos that I make them ugly cry on a football field.

this is word for word what my last performance review said

glad the press corps isn't alive to see this

The WHCA dinner will resume after this ratings bump.

I’m inevitably going bankrupt so I’m buying a Cybertruck and that way everyone will know sight unseen that I’m a fuckin asshole.

Friend: Guess who we were just talking about. It’s the person you can’t stand. Me: You’re going to have to be way more specific.

Overheard in intro bio lab today: "Yeah bro, I got protostome and deuterostome, that's super chill, it's been on like every phylogeny we've seen"

LAPD operates the largest municipal law enforcement air fleet in the nation. 17 helicopters, 90 personnel, costing $128,000 per day ($50m annually). 16,000 flight hours 762,000 gallons of fuel producing 7,400 metric tons of CO₂ annually. 61% of flights are unrelated to high-priority incidents. 🌎♻️

There is no “responsible” use of AI in schools. The tech is anti-learning. Hope that clears things up!

I finally got a Costco membership again. My impulse control is lacking and my money is in danger. I have so much tortellini.

Fun fact, "warsh" is Missourian for "wash"

A kid I babysat as an infant back when I was in college is going off to college himself the fall, and I'll just be in a heap on the floor if anyone needs me

BREAKING: FBI Director Kash Patel Found Dead, Crushed Under the Weight of His Own Incompetence