You ever just love your dog so much you lie down next to him/her while they’re trying to sleep and piss them off by invading their space?

My girlfriend is attracted to Q-tips

ok one last post -- oldheads are always going to "why is the web dying.... how can we get the kids invested in the free and open web" bro the kids can't read. that's why the web is dying. first things first

Years ago my hair stylist told me my color would come back when I was less stressed. Anyway, my hair is basically white now.

Sounds terrible, honestly, even more reason not to shop there

How could I have forgotten Wiggle Butt???

Hey folks, as news of Watson's demise spreads, please don't set aside his weighty legacy of misogyny and racism. He was truly among the worst of us. www.vox.com/2019/1/15/18...

Got some tuna water in an open cut, I bet I wake up with an incredibly shitty super power.

Livin' la vida caca

I'm a man of few words, most of them cursed.

My dog’s name is Otis, but sometimes he’s Dog-Dog-Dog, Oatsie Oats, Squeakers, Grumpy Face, Mr. Stinky, Velvet Meatball, Flappy Ears, Farty Boy, and Meathead.

I wonder if the fish in the aquarium at my doctor’s office are friends who love each other or just like coworkers who have to tolerate each other

hope y’all don’t mind if i post a little ass

Aborted babies crawling around heaven like shrimp

They don’t want you to have healthcare. They never wanted you to have healthcare. They don’t ever want you to get healthcare. Vote accordingly

I’m a three and will start calling myself this stat

He’s a ten but likes to call himself the modern Prometheus.

Made a comment about Fraggles today, and a 20-something woman hadn’t heard of them. It’s now been pointed out that Fraggle Rock aired FORTY-TWO YEARS AGO good god I’m nearing the end.

did you know you can just like, forgive yourself? all that shit you punish yourself over and over for, you don’t have to do that you can set it down and walk away and breathe deep for the first time in decades

I don’t even know who my mayor is

Pretty soon it’s gonna be all skittles and starburst and if you’re thinking that sounds good then you weren’t there for the days of Milky Way and Reese’s peanut butter cups.

ME: I wish you would stop doing that YOSEMITE SAM: *hopping back and forth shooting pistols repeatedly into the air* why

Well, the AI data centers boiled the oceans and scorched the sky, but at least we got to see what ALF would look like in a bikini. I still miss fresh air sometimes, but then I put on ALF’s Jiggly Dance Party and suddenly the bomb shelter doesn’t seem so bad anymore.

…We all have that ex Swan Boy reminds us of, right

The defense team presses Lairmore on whether the sandwich really 'exploded.' They return to the photo of the sandwich and wrapper on the ground. "That sandwich hasn't exploded at all, has it?" defense asks. "It looks like a little bit is coming out towards the bottom," Lairmore replies.

I prefer to think that curiosity enriched the cat's final hours.

He’s shooting his best friends in their faces in heaven now

i hope this is how you find out about dick cheney

Someone come explain to my dog that little costumed children are allowed to drop by and ask for candy this evening

When you have a nightmare while sleeping on your side, it’s important to flip over so your brain juices can get to the other part that hasn’t betrayed you (yet)

the dog is terrified of the furnace and he hasn’t even seen the gas bill

When I was a kid I dressed as a vampire for Halloween for four consecutive years. Might be time to bring that costume back.

First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol First night as a vampire hunter: oh no

Not pleased to admit that I see the old man from Up when I look in the mirror

Everything used to be better, kids. Even things that sucked were better than the things that suck now. That’s not nostalgia talking. That’s simply the successful enshittification of the entire world. Here, have a butterscotch!

Every day a reporter asks Mike Johnson something and his response is, “awwww shucks I’m just a dumb guy who can’t read or stay up on current events even though that’s literally my job,” and every day the press just lets it slide.

"Soul" is short for "arsehole". Look it up.

I would repost you, but you see, I just posted a subpar skeet of my own that needs to stay atop the TL

Stop keeping everything because you think your children will appreciate it when you die. They won't.

Yes, the Grink *was* there. He was there for *me*, Bryan, in ways you haven’t been. And, you know, it’s just so fucking *you* to keep bringing him up like it’s some kind of gotcha. This was never about me or my mistakes, it’s about your insecurity and I’m sick of it. At least the Grink was *there*

them: how are you? me:

You can turn any professor into a mad professor if quote ChatGPT enough

People will say illegal immigration is obviously a problem and then struggle to name what the actual problem they have with it is in ways that aren't just xenophobia. "Oh, some people aren't legible to the state? Why do you, not the state, care?"

found out AI summaries were spitting out wrong facts about me but they were mostly boring wrong so as long as it's wrong I'd like to at least feed it more interesting lies

Cookie Monster’s date: Can we talk about something else