Reverse cowgirl so you can venmo me using the QR code on my ass-cheek

We weren’t in love, but we did meet in the vestibule.

[Everyone disliked that]

When cars let me pass I try to cross really fast so they think I’m a good pedestrian.

I’m not like other girls, I say, as I get into a bathtub full of cheese wearing a hat made of nachos.

(having a nosebleed): can you smell blood?

High of 85 degrees here today. I’m off-season clearance shopping for shorts while wearing shorts lol

My sports posts always do well, which is hilarious. Go Seaotters. #Nuffle #GoSportsBall

If I reply to your post and you don't acknowledge it, I assume I have mortally, irrevocably wronged you. And while I don't wish you any specific ill will, you started this blood fued and I must consider the generations to come.

My shop closes for the holidays tomorrow morning, so if you'd like one of these prints, or anything else, please order today: www.tomgauld.com/shop

Due to not wanting to, I will not be.

Wait they're playing sports again? ~ didn't they settle this last year?

I said I wanna see your egg sandwich. Please respond.

I use the theraface thingy with the red and blue lights all over it so i think i live on both mars and neptune for a few minutes a day

Being in charge of me is exhausting.

Just deleted a post. You’re welcome.

To slip and drown in your eyes, Malefic black holes in disguise.

The sexual tension between me & Emily Blunt was too much for one follower 🤷‍♀️

In a surprising turn of events, Guacamole did fix me.

There are some pretty decent people here for it not being real

Horror movie about the porcine undead, call it: "Interview with a Hampire"

Circling a field for secret reasons

Me (flirting): "Lured" is such an ugly word, officer.

Nobody is more wisdomous 👇🏼

my love language is lurking ominously in shallow water

We *should* take off our shirts and wrestle though.

Every blue tick post I see about 'reintroducing masculinity' starts with violence and ends with 'and we should take our shirts off and wrestle'.

Which lines of poetry live rent-free in your head?

Burning my shoulder penis to gratify an indifferent dog:

sherlock Holmes is in big trouble in in this episode but I’m not worried because there are 4 seasons. Deduction!

Aah France. I love France. The Eiffel Tower, the Riviera, the vineyards, the fields of baguettes, the cigarette trees.

I need to be adopted by Norwegian Forest Cats

Movies to know me by? Nice try, body snatcher.

Well, well, well... if it isn't the soft animal of my body.

How dare you psychoanalyze me in this absolutely correct manner? Therapist: 🤷🏻‍♀️

First date idea: I absorb you, nourishing myself with your lifeforce and sustaining my existence for another fortnight. Circle: yes no

When I make spaghetti sauce I go hoopy with a $1.50 jars of JobLot minced garlic bc it makes me feel like I’m in a warm clime where men have a favorite goat and women curse their husbands from flowery balconies

the restaurant accidentally sent an entire extra sammie it's truly incredible what this did for my mental health

(Flirting) You look just like a guy I was sectioned with.

(annie lennox voice) i wanna walk in the open king. i want to kiss like lovers dude

If I got rabies I would definitely bite a fish to introduce it to the aqua realm.

What if the people who stopped posting weren't taking a break but instead found healthy and well-rounded lives that fulfilled them in a way that hoarding blue numbers on the internet never could?

I like jokes that only work in specific circumstances. Like some chefs who are also bird watchers witness a fight between ducks and one of them says "that's some 'Mallard' reaction" and everybody groans. But if instead they were Swedish statisticians everybody would be like, "what, Lars?"

Oh the weather outside is frightful But the fire is also frightful Everything is frightful I have anxiety

With my acerbic personality, tendency to keep you at arms length and the flight risk, it's a genuine mystery why you aren't all in love with me.

My most firmly held belief is that songs should be good

god gives his eepiest soldiers his snuggliest battles

Ok, fine... but deliberately obfuscating meaning using non-sequitur couplets of opaque or simply meaningless pseudo-imagery is the opposite of poetry