My smart TV is either lying about its level of intelligence or it’s just a complete asshole.

Why is everyone laughing at that Russian robot I walk like that all the time.

Monty Python's Failing Circus

Why are you all following back bots? Fake plants don't need to be watered.

If you see this post a bird

You need a better safe word on Main

Somewhere in the vast indifferenceness of dressing up words with little additions is a new kind of fix that hits hard, an end in progress. Like endeding. Startinged. It makes more sense if you're waiting for a book cover to make the first move

Happy Half-Century Birthday (one day late) to one of my all-time favorite albums.

You're officially old when she sends you a nude selfie and all you're interested in is what kind of pizza in the box behind her.

White and red wine pairs well with different foods but both pair well with difficult relatives and annoying neighbors.

This is my crippling anxiety post. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

I have a junk food problem. I don't have any . . .

My type: someone supportive and warm who I can curl up and relax with. Wait, that's my bed.

If you look up and find yourself under a banana tree that was not there before. There's like, at least a 40% chance, that banana tree is up to no good.

😈: What’s on TV? 🐺: Metropolis 😈: Ah, early cinema 🐺: Nope. It’s the animated version of the movie version of the Broadway musical version of a live-action version of the animated version of the stage version of the remake of the original 😈: Oh 🐺: And I hear they’re making a live-action of this

Pundits: They never should have killed James Bond! How can they possibly do a new movie now? Brace yourselves. He's not a real person. If he were, he'd be age 107. I think you're okay restarting - yet again. Or how about make the movies set at the height of the cold war? Totally relatable now.

For those of you who saw the AIDOL event...

Are you there, Margaret? It's me, god. WHAT IN THE HOLY FUCK IS GOING ON DOWN THERE?

Good night 😘 Have a restful night 😴✨🌚💤🌙🧡

When you don't have time for the full freakout

The dead passed through it like a sieve not unlike the deciduous gymnosperms. Was this a dry run? Let's not open that can of Pampers.

I’ll be ok. open.spotify.com/track/65tH2G...

There is a mirror in room 402 that shows viewers their reflections 32 seconds into the future. It has saved and ended many lives. We cannot take it down. We have tried.

You have 2 days to take your soul out of the freezer if you want it to thaw by Thanksgiving

It’s always “I wanna post a banger” and never “I wanna bang a poster”.

THAT CRUMPLED MCDONALD'S BAG CAME WITH THE CAR!

sometimes being an atheist really sucks bc i want so many people to burn in hell

When you bossa nova There's no holding Would you have me dancing Out of nowhere? youtu.be/bpA_5a0miWk?...

Welcome to another episode of “Am I dying or is this just what being old feels like?”

I made a lil scarf for the mailbox spider

To Each, His Own... Or, "there's no accounting for taste"

I’m at that stage in life where if it’s between sex and a hot shower, I’m already heating up the water.

I feel like a dress caught in a tree on the freeway.

me when the guy repeats my order back to me and I am quickly trying to determine whether or not that is in fact what I just ordered..🫤

Sparks and electrical fires call me short circuit because all of my paths lead to a dramatic flare but I do practice pinching for a more slow burn cartoon fuse sizzle

Some chick was arm in arm with a guy holding a white cane. They disappeared around the corner. Where was that blonde leading the blind?

On p23 of the new Bluesky ToS, it says all users are obliged to panic-post at least three (3) times a day.

Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings. Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms. Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue.

when i found that our custard-like dessert had gone bad it was very off-pudding.

If you run past your neighbors scratching your crotch and screaming they tend to not ask questions.

You see a photograph of Frida Kahlo laughing and realise you've reached the end of the internet

Me and my time machine are back. Pretty sure I killed baby Hitler. Ha! That name means nothing to you.

Who up blitzkrieging they bop?

Lots of people don’t know or remember what it feels like to have $200 be life altering and I think none of those people should be in Congress

All the fleeting ghosts from the corners of your eyes are more apart than anything in front of you so please, keep them in mind sideways for the panoramic pick up lines, condemned tire swing matchmakings just laying around and around in your yard

Like a gargoyle trapped within a white picket fence.

Unlike the competitors, our holiday puppy chow is made with real Purina brand Puppy Chow because we care.