The word of the day is chockablock. Because Bluesky is loaded with rapture jests, bursting with butthole banter, and crammed with people who will inappropriately try to suck the joy out of them by bringing politics into replies.

My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.

Now, a message from Rev. Thurl H. Lavender Ravensmenace: Vodka Shot Milk and Cookies 7p to floor. Mr. Menace will sing church hymns during Naked Twister. Then we'll go help the homeless find cheap liquor. God bless.

I have been diagnosed with listening loss.

If everyone knew how brutally sadistic reindeer games are, the nature of that song would drastically change.

If I graft a toenail onto my forehead it will eventually grow into a horn.

Share your favourite black and white movie

How to get maximum volume for your farts

Hello? Hi. I'm calling in regards to upgrading my sexual matador for the horny rodeo clown package. Yes, I'll hold.

i have a very funny post idea but i don’t think the FBI would agree

I always wondered what happened to the gang leaders in the Michael Jackson video “Beat It.” I hope they found a new path. I hope they realized you can’t solve everything with dance.

Seriously man I just- I- I fucking KNEW you didn't have my nose

I assume there are 2 possible reasons as to why my wife hasn’t left me yet; she’s either lost the muscle control necessary to fart silently or she’s absolutely terrified I won’t contest custody of the kids.

Due to some kind of miscommunication, a friend brought us a six pack of bears.

1975: Computing in a Catholic High School Teacher: Fill in these cards using pencil. Each card is a line of a Basic to be fed into the computer. Results are printed here. Me: Here's my first program. Can I put the cards in? Teacher: No, not until the Vatican assigns a patron saint for computers.

Hard to tell just by looking, but this is a domestic terrorist.

I just lit a stick of incense & now it's 1987. Shut up. Work with me here. I'm trying to convince myself that the Bangles are playing and Cybill and Bruce haven't fucked yet and everything is fine-ish.

TYLENOL TURNED ME INTO A NEWT! (I didn’t get better. Still a newt.)

I've tried super cool stairwell fights and elevator fights and I will tell you nothing beats going up and down, regardless of getting to walk away straightening your tie and unmussing your hair

"It was a singularity to everything except the pinwheel using it as a center of mass to attract some attention to the universe" wow so peacocks only teach physics for showing off

Please know that if you have ever reposted me, I have imagined you naked, floating in space, a universe of stars glittering behind your frozen corpse. You are beautiful.

Whadya mean by "you use too many filters"?

They should make the Discover feed harder to find.

I'm just leaving the rapture decorations up for the next one.

Is acid reflux and a sour tummy my new normal? This is my first dictatorship and I don’t know what to expect.

I did a thing. My body didn't like that. No more things.

Has it happened yet, guys? Are they gone?! 😂🤣😂

The time is out of joint

you have to solve the captcha before you get the raptcha

Fuck Tylenol, microdose THC gummies during the workday like an adult

What if your areola is trying to tell you something? Do you even know braille?

Welcoming the rapture

Rev. Dr. Ravenscrof loads his toilet paper roll the other way.

If trash bags were trash can shaped, we would save 12 hours of hassle a year. That would give us time to pick up more trash.

Drink some OJ before getting a BJ from a DJ who plays JJ saying, "DY-NO-MITE!".

Just give me a moment with the sound of the rain.

Now, a message from Julie Lavender Menace: Guess who showed up last night? Yup. Rev. Dr. Ravenscrof and his army of hula girls all dressed in camouflage. I offered to let them watch Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker on VHS with me. I didn't know they could run so fast! God bless.

I run a daily marathon where my thoughts race frantically, but never cross the finish line.

If I'm ever going to stage a sit in to protest anything you better believe I'm going to do it on a beach with a drink in my hand.

Successful writer, humanitarian, considerate lover, philanthropist . . . I am none of those things, but I can spell them.

I've never dealt with cold hard cash. Mine has always been butt warm.

I'd like public transportation more if it didn't transport so much of the public.

If birth control was made of chocolate, there'd be no unplanned pregnancies.

Balls deep is the only unit of measurement I know

The dots in the ‘someone is typing’ symbol represent 3 of the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse gathering on the horizon 💬

Monday Mood Still don't like 'em

I want friends, but I'm afraid they will try to talk to me.

Is there a way to turn "Sleep Study Participant" into a full-time job?