please don't talk about me like that, I'm standing right here

I WILL NOT BE SHAMED INTO AGREEING THAT THREE FROZEN WAFFLES IS THREE SERVINGS. WE LIVE IN A SOCIETY

thanks for leaving a comment about how a chiropractor accidentally ripped your mother's head clean off from her spine and killed her on my joke about chiropractors, it was too lighthearted anyway

Oh no, not my last brain cell

Can you tell by looking at me that I sleep on a haunted hospital bed?

There's just something about primal fear chasing you through the woods that stop to face it cannot slay with at lore and tell

This day in history. 1943. The town of Ortona Italy was captured from elite German paratroopers by troops of the Canadian 1st Infantry and their tunneling woodchucks.

Merry After-Christmas to all who survived

You ever get the feeling people have started eating lead paint chips recreationally?

Had to delete a banger because of a typo

Happy Festivus for the rest of us! if you’re in line to air your grievances stay in line the feats of strength will begin shortly

Don't make me use the chicken scissors.

You're 42. Stop saying "baby mama."

No thanks, Theo. I don't need to know how many people you're hosting for Xmas. No fuckin thanks.

If Americans were the kind of people I’ve always been TOLD we are, there’d be a revolution going on right now that’d make Marie Antoinette say, “gee, I had a great time by comparison.”

I once told my wife I thought the hardest thing about having an affair would be keeping up the deceit but she just laughed and said finding someone else prepared to have sex with me would be a far greater challenge.

So much cute.

Car salesman: this particular model goes from zero to sixty in under seven seconds. Me: this will make an excellent tomb. Car salesman: what? Me: make it go vroom.

Being alive right now is trying to balance “I want to stay informed” with “this is actively destroying my mental health”

This day in history. 1888. Dutch painter Vincent van Gogh cut off his left ear after witnessing the manner in which houseguest Paul Gauguin ate soup.

Cairo is innocent of all peeing charges. Can’t you see it in his eyes?

2 days until Christmas 🎄

internal dialogue: Me: hey your phone is going to die while you’re working and you’ll be mad Me: fuck you

Teachers used to tell us as kids, "There are no stupid questions," and I truly believed it until Reddit came along.

If you can’t handle me at my dumpster fire, you don’t deserve me at my Yule log burning

walks through a car wash just to feel something

I don’t have Amazon Prime or any streaming services. Do I even still exist.

When the Grinch's heart grew three sizes that's when he knew he had cardiomegaly

for every one hundred likes [within reason] i’ll put pam bondi in some form of trash receptacle.

Them: Happy Winter Solstice! Me: Go fuck yourself.

Muting posts about homemade gift baskets people are making because I am not having any of this type A bullshit before xmas

I’m kind of leery about eating other people’s food unless it’s cookies in which case I can relax my standards.

Not one of you self-absorbed fuckwads has gifted me a single McDonalds gift certificate for Christmas and don’t think I’m ever forgetting that

Stages of holiday shopping 1. Plenty of time 2. Gifts for myself 3. Oh no

This day in history. 1777. France recognized American independence, which is like your weird uncle telling you you can get a neck tattoo after your mom said no.

Want to feel old? The grape they did surgery on is now a raisin

Ok, you’re interesting and amusing, what else you got.

"The world is falling apart" My body: "same"

I think it if I could stop time I’d just fall asleep

Something’s gotta give Aka: Nothing has gotta give

If you go out with me our first date will be a drive to an abandoned property where we spend a couple of hours throwing old incandescent light bulbs at a brick wall

I checked—hundreds of people log onto this website each day to post "Not surprised."

suing Post-it™ for all my bad skeets that i had written on their encouraging notepads.

My beacon in the night.

terrifying if literal: computer chips

When will my husband return from the war on Christmas

People are too funny. When in doubt, reverse image search

If time travel was possible this is definitely not the timeline I would have chosen to stay in.

I forgot that I rage cancelled my subscribe and save orders and got scared when I had 46 new emails.

excuse me, sarah, but i believe it’s my turn to wear the antlers during the ritual tonight