I woke up hopeful and immediately corrected the error.

*eats a single carrot stick* ok where is my glowing skin and infinite wealth

Okay, random stranger. I'm really not that friendly just polite.

Spending 8 hours writing a beautiful, automated VBA macro to save 2 seconds of manual data entry. “The machine serves me,” I whisper.

Suicide hotline. Please hold.

Good news: I bought a planner to organize my life! Bad news: It’s currently being used as a coaster for a large iced coffee i can't afford.

My latest foster, Dasha.

There should be a word for when you check your phone, see nothing, and feel both relieved and destroyed.

I don’t ghost people; I evaporate like a Victorian child with a cough.

I told my date I collect action figures. She asked if that helps with loneliness. I said no. They judge me too.

Stupidity is clearly airborne now.

Unexpected item in the bagging area

BABIES!

I said “I’m fine” in the tone of someone Googling symptoms with the brightness at 1%.

getting rid of stuff people gave me when they were getting rid of stuff

My fridge made a noise like it was drafting a will and now I’m scared to open it in case it left me something emotionally heavy.

Don't you interrupt me while I have thinking face.

We need a slur for flat Earthers

If you’re ever wondering if I’m still crazy AF, I have chickens now. So that’s a yes.

Six degrees of separation from being warm

Being unintelligible is the way forward

my friend said “you can’t keep adopting strange little routines just because a crow reacts positively to them” which honestly feels narrow minded

Taking that stool softener didn't make sitting at the bar the least bit more comfortable.

Icon behaviour tbh

YOU MUST HAVE SOMETHING TO EAT TO HAVE STRENGTH TO GRIND YOUR ENEMIES' BONES TO DUST.

some of you really need to start using the 'hide post for me' feature

Thank fuck we went from having commercials to 9 ads in order to watch a 3-minute video.

I don’t have the attention span to soften butter in the microwave.

Virginia, where the hills have eyes but no tastebuds.

Kinda need someone to lower me into a volcano and quietly tell me everything is gonna be okay. No weirdos

Nothing falls flatter than a wordy one-liner.

Call me up before you're dead we can make some plans instead send me an IM, i'll be your friend

Tin came into our local shelter a stray and an absolute mess. She’s 15, hyperthyroid, and a tad cranky, but I love her endlessly. I fostered her from last July until today. Today, she’s officially mine. 🥰

Life is but a dream. <nightmare>

the most difficult thing you can’t eat on a diet are emotions

Statement from Barack Obama about today's SCOTUS decision gutting the Voting Rights Act.

It’s called the Impossible Burger because it’s impossible to taste anything other than the condiments.

Nobody talks about how satisfying it is to unsubscribe from an email you’ve been deleting for four years. This is what victory tastes like.

I want to be an assassin for hire but I also want to work from home, dilemma

I might be financially poor but I am rich in kitty snuggles

threw my back out pumping up the jam

I’m kind of like if you mixed vodka and… that’s it, I’m kind of like vodka

Burn it all the fuck down!

I hope everyone around me knows that if I get even a little bit quiet, I am mad at them, but I will deny it if asked and then be even quieter.

MAGA deserves an entire chapter in the DSM-6.

The credit bureau is insane. My score went down 7 points for an increase of usage of my cards. Not balance—- usage. I pay my credit cards twice a month.