Curse you, Bluesky, for reminding me today of Piers Morgan’s existence.

You know, I'm not sure I ever really read the Pond Rules at our local nature preserve all that closely before

I’m just a boy standing in front of a phone asking it to love him

[Alien vs. Predator fight] Alien: I hardly ever see you. Predator: You're too clingy.

Happy International Men’s Day

At classical music concerts we dance in the “posh pit”.

When I arrive at the party

Opening an Irish-Mexican fusion restaurant called “How Are Things In Guacamole?”

This “Words With Friends With Benefits” game has a novel scoring system.

‘Scuse me - I’m just gonna go ask Pepperidge Farms if it remembers the password to my old email account.

Q. What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? A. The Holocaust

I only drink dysfunctional water.

HOT POCKETS IN YOUR AREA

live laugh

You’re at Billy Joel. Actually, I need you just the way you are.

I’m an alpha male in the sense that I haven’t gotten to the beta testing stage yet.

QFT

G’night all

If you’re wondering what a “least weasel” is, they absolutely live up to the name. This is the least amount of animal you can have that can still meet the bar for “is weasel”

Goddammit - AI is even better at self-loathing than me

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was that “got your nose” one. That’s a classic.

Technically, any room I’m in is a “panic room”.

incredible photo that's definitely worth at least 1,000 words from Andrew Harnik of Getty

Yum!

My "Some Republicans don't like Hitler" t-shirt is raising a lot of questions already answered by my t-shirt.

Was just standing next to Edward Gardner at the tea counter. I say this as an entirely heterosexual man but my god he’s dreamy

Get in, loser, we’re going to go thank Trump and Musk for endorsing you.

How to answer a loaded question. (This is Joe Neguse, Congressman for Colorado's 2nd District.)

someone invited people magazine to the kitchen and they brought their own knives

I don’t see what the big deal is. I mean, I hit things with sticks too.

“Welcome to Hell. Here is an economy pack of ten billion men’s socks. Your punishment is to find and remove all the little plastic ties connecting them, without using any cutting tools.”

Time for this again: youtu.be/nUu1Hj9hdu4?...

I can recommend the anime series “May I Ask For One Final Thing?”, the story of a young noblewoman caught up in court intrigues who resolves issues by punching the living shit out of people who deserve it. It’s very inspirational.

If that’s a legal option, I am totally leaving my skull to my daughter.

Timeline cleanse: I present a series of photos of irritated animals

[Trump during sex] “THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER!”

True story: the plumbers working on the second floor bathroom at the house where I’m staying somehow managed to reverse the hot and cold water to the third floor bathroom today and now there’s hot water in the toilet and I’m basically blanching my poop.

God helps hamburgers that help themselves

Happy Halloweeneen

I used to tinguish fires but I don’t anymore

Fun fact: “cremains” is short for “cranberry remains”.

Made a friend…

Well I *have* been looking for something to make my life more better, so…

Time is relative. Delivery time even moreso.

Sound definitely on.

The Tiramisu French Toast I can see, but a sandwich combining mustard, mayo and strawberry jam is one mindboggle too far

Correct

I’m just reposting this because it’s going to take me several viewings to process just how insane this is.