Burritos just get it, right?

the first rule of fright clu....BOOOOOO!

The first fight of Rule Club is me versus you what’s with all the fucken rules buddy!?

i can help y'all you know, i'm something of a shitposter myself

So, I came home from vacation with 14 pair of clean underwear because I didn’t end up shitting myself twice a day like I had planned for.

Sometimes when I'm bored I text a bunch of family members " I hope you're sitting down" then turn off my phone

Just give me a chance. I could make you ugly cry if you let me

I sometimes think about waxing my gibbous but I’m not sure I’ve got a high enough pain threshold

Eating because I’m hungry, bored, stressed, happy, sad, not hungry, breathing.

temperature check! send me an emoji if you wanna

wearing my vagina inside out like a mink because i hate waste.

Being self employed is hard, I’m not a good boss or employee

DATE: i’m a dog person ME: (trying to impress) *sniffs their butt*

Plans to invade Greenland have just been cancelled after this

Once again, ice has fucked over normal Americans.

BREAKING: Kid Rock’s performance on Super Bowl Sunday has earned a FIFA Grammy

my grandmother died in 1992 so i have no idea if i’ve continued to get more handsome since then

I remember this place when it was just feels.

Without naming your job, tell me something you say over and over again at work. “Has it been QC’d?”

I lived my life out loud once and it just went agggggrrrckkkkkowwwww

Fair enough, I will make more of an effort to understand your incoherent ramblings in more detail. And in return you can try not to be a patronising little cunt. However unfortunately I think you will be unsuccessful in that endeavour.

honestly jolene you can fucking have him, good luck girl

Men are but Mac n cheese or steppenwolf

reminding my mom that she said I could get a nose ring when I’m 50

When are they gonna put Bill Gates on trial for Microsoft Teams?

Shout out to the free samples lady who gave me the Heimlich

In France, they say “bifler” for slapping a face with a dick. Anyway. How’s your day going?

Why waste time showering when you can just shove scent boosting laundry balls into your underwear

My posts are high brow as shit

Reminder, have sex with your wife.

Girl, are you a group of ladybirds? Cos you’re lovely

as a kid i was overwhelmed with joy that the london bridge was falling down

It doesn’t matter that no one sees my posts. The important part is that they leave my brain

I don't care if your post doesn't make sense so long as it made you happy, it's nice that you're trying things

him: would you say you’re silly? me: i’m half goose, on my dads side

Doing a tour of the neighbourhood with my corpse tied to the back of a Roomba.

i heard we're bringing starter packs back 💖🍦🧁 go.bsky.app/DEVba5M

time to get online and argue how to fight fascism correctly

Seasonal depression? Seems more like reasonable depression to me.

let’s eat mall pretzels and watch 80’s flicks

by the age of 38 you should have at least one bsky nemesis

Shitpost Bill

I made a new friend yesterday and she said, "Let's hang out this weekend," and I'm not sure what my expression was, but she quickly followed that up with, "Or maybe not. It's cold. Another time."

life: *attempts to hand me lemons* me: no thank you

I’d love to be rich enough to be an exception to their rule

Aoooowwoooewwweeeeeeoooeeoooeee

Tell your mom I said Hello (we were in bed on Wednesday afternoon trying to think of songs to add to our sex playlist)

Increasingly convinced we all died during COVID and this is purgatory.