We’ve run some tests, and the results show that you have lower than expected levels of the hormone shitpostregen

eating an entire pumpkin at my desk

I took a selfie this morning to document feeling hope for the first time in a while. I’m not posting it, but know this… I look fucking great!

It's never too early to make a fool of yourself online

“Ha, look at that Frankenstein in that jacuzzi!” “Technically you mean look at that Frankenstein’s monster in that Jacuzzi’s hot tub”

zuckerberg trying for John Wick this Halloween but ending up more ghislaine maxwell

reverse intervention where you sit your whole family down and tell each person why they’re actually the problem

Oh snap (my waistband gave out again)

If only we celebrated people who are truly brilliant, and they got to be the really successful ones. I'd happily swap billionaires for brillionaires.

Get in loser, we’re going to find Amelia Earhart

getting mad at people online is not a survival strategy

Things briefly improved in the years immediately after motorboat became a verb, but they’ve been downhill ever since

*me and wife having morning coffee outside on the deck* wife: you want a blanket? me: no wife: you some kinda badass? me: I got testicles and everything

Join me on my downward spiral into madness. There is cheese here.

This is exactly how I dance to this when it comes on any speaker in my house. Also, I’m obsessed with his ensemble, especially Hannah with the pulled back bob and Mauro and Stephane with the wild gray curls on percussion.

Guys I’m starting to freak out because I can’t think of good Halloween name and October starts next week this is starting to feel like school

If I won the lottery, I'd still ride the bus. But I'd also own the bus and not let anyone else ride.

Imagine how good my posts would be if I wasn’t wearing mittens

k pop demon hunters is just a ripoff teenage mutant ninja turtles

Never mind the rapture. How are we not spontaneously combusting at this point?

Pronouncing glory hole like guacamolé

when you write poetry on bsky you become insufferable in real life

I'm dying over Smitten Kitten (a sex shoppe) having to basically be like, "Google is lying about us having a glory hole." www.instagram.com/reel/DPACIxZ...

Things you can ask at family dinner and an orgy: “Whose turn is it to do, err, say grace?”

Screw a chicken Big Mac, I’ll take an apple pie Big Mac please

It’s very last Thursday in September vibes today

If Chris Hemsworth were casted in the Potter movies he’d be Luscious Malfoy

not a cell phone in sight, just people living for like another two hours

Writing on people’s Facebook: Happy Birthday even though your husband won’t stop texting me and coming by my work.

the opposite of progress is congre—oh no

If I have to be at work, at least I get this view when I go on bluesky on my phone instead of actually working

If I have to be at work, at least I get this view from my office.

Convinced of the rapture I didn’t finish off a work project and now my boss is mad at me. TBH I’m a bit cross with you guys!

Hey babe, wanna meet up later, grab some dinner and catch an early grave together?

They're gonna disappear Kimmel and blame it on the Rapture

does everyone get raptured or is it like a selective process? how do I qualify?

The dots in the ‘someone is typing’ symbol represent 3 of the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse gathering on the horizon 💬

I think bronzer causes fascism in men.

Ok, tell me one thing that queso does not immediately enhance

murican. merkin.

Did God get this rapture on Temu?

Yes, I touch* myself from time to time, but always in the privacy of my own bathroom *repost

I want the convenience of living close to a convenience store without the inconvenience of living close to lots of people who live close to a convenience store without

Reskeet with your mental state

I’ve never done this before and there will be more added… go.bsky.app/TkGPngP

The first drink of Saturday evening is the best time of the week. Cheers 🍻

Your child's art is for your refrigerator, ma'am. In your home. Where I don't have to see it.

shoutout to bread; gotta be up there for best human invention

honestly everything we've figured out to do with grain is choice as hell, like humans are very real for what they've done with grains