I can hardly wait to use my new snow blower looks like plenty of room to stick my whole hand in there

Cranberry sauce waffles

For the 0.01% of germs not killed by bleach, the worst part is the crippling survivors guilt

All right, only one or two more businesses are allowed to call themselves "The Foundry," then we're going to have to set some boundries.

Me after realizing the giant Campbell soup display in every single store is just a monument to stock holders

This should be a new fairy tale

if you baste it, they will come

New funding model for my lab: for every $1m donation to my lab I will make one legally actionable claim about a man over the age of 50 in my field

who up snorkeling and touching starfish for no discernable reason

Celebrating Thanksgiving by being the first human being to grow a wattle

I still look at porn, but these days I just say, "She's pretty. That's nice."

So like. How do I finish getting my degree now

it is now time to choose the right bath bombs for the butterball

“the peeled potato is slipperiest” -ancient proverb

Thanksbutnothanksgiving

What if a girl had claws

Jerry Seinfeld: What's the deal with airline food? Me: It's only for rich-ass jerks who fly first class Jerry Seinfeld: Me: Jerry Seinfeld: Guys can't be funny anymore cuz of woke

Don’t turn on dogs in the wild a nature series if you want to do anything else today

has there ever been a good bluesky post?

sorry for freaking out before i literally just did something dumb

The thing about sex is that it's a bit of a sticky wicket.

The best day to break your phone is the Sunday before Black Friday. No line at apple and no line at att it was a black friday miracle

I think I would get laid so much more if I just started lying about it

babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15,000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me

promise me you’ll bury me with my funko pops

Any man should be able to pick his own dick out of a lineup

Midwest sober is when you drink every day until you can’t see straight but you don’t swear

waiting for the larry summers “why i left harvard” free press piece

I mean Larry Summers is old enough to have all his original teeth… like he’s a thousand years old. stepping down from roles probably should have happened like 5 years ago for him without scandal

Hey fam… they have a thing in the self checkout aisle at kohls where you can take the security tag off before you ring it up

Guy who refuses to watch child porn because of the video quality

No lawmaker in Congress should be able to buy, own, and sell individual stocks. Period. Let's make Congressional stock trading illegal.

BREAKING: AMC announces Larry Summers will no longer deliver “heartbreak feels good in a place like this” line

Jesus to his disciples:

These are my cats the rains of castamere

I look like a ball.

that sounds like a juggalo sex act

amish! in the amtrak lounge

It was when she called me a rural simpleton that I knew I would have to look up both those words.

Put this man on tv now I dare you

Why is tinder filled with people who ski and snowboard in their forties? I can barely go for a light jog.

Watching The American Revolution on PBS.

White people be like how old is this coffee

holding my girls hair back while she has diarrhea

This is simply too much information