Gemini: Devote some time to renewing old friendships this week by asking Keith from high school if you can borrow $4,500.

Could you tell I had a meatball in my mouth the entire time we fucked?

I will suck your dick if you come over and run custom firmware on my router

2008 Patch Adams put some googly eyes on my hemorrhoid and wrote me a prescription for 250 oxycodone

My face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m high

Your occasional reminder that China is currently installing 3.5GW of solar per week. That's THE TOTAL GENERATING CAPACITY OF THE ENTIRE UK FROM ALL SOURCES every five months.

Cooking at home isn’t a “hack,” and it definitely isn’t a new discovery. It’s so common that most houses actually come with a dedicated room just for that purpose.

Ensconcing your name into these blueberry scones

Baby are you the New York Times Mini Crossword cause I’m about to solve you in 52 seconds.

Elote is an easy way to get more mayo into you

😏 I'm getting pretty good in bed (just slept for ten hours)

When the hamburger is ready the helper will appear.

"Look for the hamburger helpers" - Mr Rogers

Hamburger helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept help.

Groguggenheim

If I accidentally run you over with my clown car as a joke, I'll get arrested for vehicular man's laughter

Burgers burnt beyond recognition coming off the grill now would you like 2 or 3 there’s plenty

I like Robert Downey Jr., but I don't see the point of casting him as Doctor Doom when we have a perfectly good Mads Mikkelsen lying around

My fave sunscreen is being inside away from people.

Doctor: You got the Lyme Disease and the Coconut Disease. You got them both together.

If I had a super power it would be sucking dirt like a vacuum and shooting it out my butt like a human worm

If you are going to be lost at sea, you could be rescued by an otter.

The only way I know how to make friends is to always have meatballs in my pockets.

Bury me at surgically repaired knee.

I hate when you go to your favorite food place and you can tell they’re giving you the b squad (chicken that’s either already been cooked for 3 days or barely cook able when they cooked it) but you’re hella hungry so you eat a bunch of it anyway

My wife told me to stop singing Wonderwall. I said maybe.

Welcome to the Internet, Transvestite and Grogu

i would watch that movie if it was only grogu

They should make a jeopardy show that’s just stuff I know

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You could prob do anything in Alabama

takes out my brain and throws it in the trash

Making up fantasy fiction names isn't easy but I hate the names in the Hunger Games so much. Peeta. Haymitch. Katniss. Ugh.

I burst into tears over a redfin commercial skdhsjdbskd

Drunk Yoda is a more effective communicator than my Dad via text.

Woman pretending to like top gun. I see you girly

My idea of rearranging her guts is just getting her Taco Bell.

Me, sending a nude:

i'm body negative, i don't think anyone should have a body

When girls with small breasts don't put on a bra they're like "Hee hee! I'm so lazy", but when I do it, they're like SLOPPY LUNATIC INJURES DOZENS IN SUPERMARKET.

It really bugs me that in the song bark at the moon, ozzy howls at the end of the song.

I don’t want a huge $20 sandwich I want a normal sized $10 sandwich

This artwork is titled Strada con lampioni (Street with Lampposts), painted by the Italian artist Salvo (Salvatore Mangione) in 2001.

He’s a very stinky dog The type who never comes to mama When he smells he stinks up the whole house

Most vampires are obsessed with whatever civilization happened to be ascendant when they were teenagers

Musical compilations for dogs

Saturday in the park I think it was the Fourth of July

“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff

Me: Alexa who wrote this song? Alexa: Chicago wrote this song