I wish I lived in Japan so I could get a blowjob from a vending machine.

It’s like a 2000s neoconservative presidency in my pants

Watching this documentary about a rod putting on a turtleneck

A furlong of kit Kats

3 cubic tons of kit cars traveling 4 knots in 12 kilohours

Im not gonna walk for 2- 3 months

Tv loves reminding you that other people can afford to remodel their home

re: the better than bouillon commercial I just saw Who is putting chicken broth in deviled eggs??? Who?

As soon as you realize making people uncomfortable is a skill you start living

The only guy I’ve met on socials that wants to see me still is the one that licks feet. Which honestly… was pretty awesome at the time

Anyone else noticed what they did to my boy hbo

Love me some Tina Turner

The commercials are getting out of control

I love how hospitals just don’t let old people rest. It’s really inspiring

Paid off all my credit cards, got a bunch of emails congratulating me for paying off my debts, and then my credit dropped 30 points because there’s no winning

I’m old enough to remember when paying for an HBO subscription meant you didn’t have to see a single advertisement.

One of the ladies at the hospital told me to get my fuck on

I wish they did it sooner www.aljazeera.com/news/liveblo...

Oh hey guys I broke my leg in threee places but theyre gonna give me ketamine

My mom just told a spam caller to take her phone number off the list, and now she’s going to report it

I used to work at guitar center and a lot of people come in to add to the cacophony of amps turned all the way up for an outdoor stage or some one just learning some scales, But 2 times I saw some absolutely amazing shi

www.tiktok.com/t/ZTkL1x1Fa/ I just have to post this again because it’s so funny to me

“I lost so much seed to her”-guys after some one posts a picture of 1990s Cameron Diaz probably

I ate the Doritos that turn you into special forces

They should have really done more with the Wayne's World cinematic universe

thatnks for shopping at DICK'S Sporting Goods. THROBBING COCK Sporting Goods. BIG ERECT WIENER Sporting Goods

It’s pretty amazing that when children are being bitchy you’re allowed to say “Turn your attitude around” and it’s an absolute miracle that they can sometimes just do it.

Not enlisting in the army unless they can provide proper orthotics and reliable CPAP

Before mark ruffalo came on bluesky if you wanted to be heard by somebody with wealth and influence you would have to learn to build a bomb

Tonight I’m going to ask Hunter if he thinks his dad would hit

The 1980s X-Men comics keep putting Cyclops in short shorts and no shirt and I’m very here for it 😵‍💫

Dentists love to make your gums bleed then be like "look what you did"

It’s like the more times I press suggest less of this the more blue hearts I have to defeat

They’ll blame anyone but Bill Clinton

I literally don’t ever want to see a my dog died last night post. Save that misery for people in your real life

The way I fool my Amazon is I suggest another popular song from the band I want to hear

I feel like a lot of people complain about cooking because they don’t know how to make simple meals that take five minutes and one pan

I got in trouble for sexual harassment in my class for asking a guy if his dad was hot

Sherlock Holmes mind palace vs Elle Woods mind palace

I am a pretty unhealthy person so I’ve been scanned a lot. The way the mammogram response is written you can tell a lot of women have died. Other scans are like “uneventful mass go fuck yourself” the mammogram is like no breast cancer detected please enjoy this matcha latte

the world is just ozempic, ai, and heated rivalry

pretty sure a gay of hormuz would always be open

babby

Calling off work for the rest of the day to work on my smoky eye

Getting a lot of attention today it must be the hazmat suit I'm wearing.

passwords should be like “that’s close enough”

babies! with rabies! (brabies!)

Is the answer "because parenting my child is not my responsibility?"

Champagne under a big net, because I've been tricked too many times now