I am upgrading the phrase from when it rains it pours, to when it pours it floods.

I just tried to plug in my tea mug into the phone charger? I need sleep.

Once again I'm not convinced owning is better than renting. Called the plumber because I thought I smelled a faint whiff of sewer gas. We're now $6k later (likely more depending on what the techs say tomorrow) and my hallway toilet is...sitting in the hallway.

Seine Angst ist meine Angst, Seine Wut ist meine Wut!

Not to brag, but I'll be getting in excess of 12" between tonight and tomorrow afternoon.

Feeling nervous because today is the first time my husky will have ever seen snow.

To the man eating a bag of chili lime potato chips while at the gym check-in desk: How dare you??

Just dumped an entire container of cereal on the floor that I was planning to have. 😭

Let the bodies hit the floor (I fell asleep watching TV)

She tolerates me ☺️

Pissed off some product people at work. On that note I will be drinking the rest of today!

My sweet girl had her first heartworm shot. Long road to recovery ahead 🥺

Days like today I wish there was a shower that cleaned my entire body like a car wash

Me snagging that extra hour

My coworker said he went to a dog themed event called Wag-a-ween...and like no one thought to workshop that?

I wonder if he's single (he's got a car...)

When they say "move fast and break things," both refer to people

What if we all just didn't today?

Heaven better be a 65° (18°C) sunny day in mid autumn, where every dog and their human are wearing matching vests.

I am searching for dog fedoras (yes you heard me) and I came across this guy. I'm cackling right now.

I wrote a song for you! It's called "The Whore's Ballad"

Some woman on our walk said she really liked the message of my sweater.

Unhinged things my brain comes up with when people tell me my dog is so pretty: - she gets it from her daddy (derogatory) - she's engaged!! - great there goes her ego - her heart belongs to the lord

I need a lobotomy...and Wendy's.

Little known linguistic fact: "goober" is short for "gubernatorial," which originated from the adoption of the Cockney "gov'na" in the 19th century. (That's also why I speak to my dog in an East London accent!)

While I dread the impending winter, I adore afternoon hot tea time.

My sweet little candy corn

I'm watching a "Murder, She Wrote" where Jessica Fletcher was somehow transported to the Antebellum South. As you might imagine her accent and acting are both excellent.

Just saw a Reddit post where someone had $118 in cash and $177k in credit card debt. I have palpitations.

So basically that video is him advertising his incontinence? He definitely sits on a towel on the F*x white couch (look it up).

Trying to not let my inner demons convince me to eat a second dinner.

Sometimes I think an underappreciated risk of modern dating is that he could show up on an e-scooter.

My dog is getting too comfortable. She just snuggled up to me, made eye contact, and let out a long fart.

How many socks do I need to grab from the dryer before I get a match?

Has anyone else noticed more people smoking real cigarettes lately?

My friend, who is a perpetual flake, just said they might be MIA the rest of the year...girl like so the exact same?

That feeling when your research validates and extends findings in the MIT State of AI research report 💅

This fish has seen some shit

I overcooked my dinner. The horrors persist.

I guess if I go to bed early I will "get enough sleep" or whatever 🙄

I have had multiple rage-inducing encounters today. I need something to exsanguinate the fury so I can 😌

I'm not sure what makes people feel entitled to blame everyone else for their own problems/misfortune. Try looking inward for the rot, perhaps?

I took an edible so that I had to time box editing a chapter in my book. I'm not sure yet if this was a good idea...

I'm crying trying to generate an image of gestures with AI. I didn't ask for a "jerking off with a smirk" but somehow that's what I got.

Ähm there's clanging sounds coming out of the cemetery at night 😳

I am LIVING for this Hocus Pocus weather.

Straight to jail.

Convince me to not cook up a thing of turkey sausage, mix in chive cream cheese, and eat it with bagel chips

The company that made my wifi switches decided to discontinue their cloud service. Can't program or control them anymore. Every single one is now just e-waste. 🚮

How long is an MMMBop?