Car dealership just quoted me $2500 to replace tires. I already hate owning a car so much again...

My friend sent me the photo of the hatching chick deviled eggs she was *trying* to make with the ones she *actually* made. It included the caption "MY CHILDRENNNN" and I'm dying.

Who wants to get married just for the tax benefits?

In da clerb!

The construction workers next door are listening to Cher "Strong Enough." My neighborhood is so gay.

William Hawkins (American Artist, born 1962)

Anyone want to just body double and laugh at a background show?

Do your taxes!

Told my coworker we should "co-twerk" and she sent me this picture. I'm this close to acting up 🤏

Remember if you get laid off on the first day of Q2 it's just a prank!

My skin looks pretty good despite gay dying years ago.

My cheap ass box spring is so squeaky 😭

Depression sucks. It's impossible now to enjoy quiet time.

I just saw a grown man pee on a tree in a very busy residential area.

My winter nose blep baby 😍

Someone just said to me upon revealing my age "oh wow, I've always thought of you as younger" 🤩

It's crazy how when you don't don gremlinwear outside people are so friendly and wish you a good morning!

Heavy is the head that eats the kibble.

These Dove chocolates should just print "don't kys" inside the wrappers at this point.

This man will probably be the death of me yet I will insist on being buried together.

I just said out loud to my dog "Carmy, you're the only man for me" and she was literally nowhere to be found.

Not a great photo but get you a dog that looks at you like this little angel.

I need my phone to stop being like "remember 6 years ago when everything was totally different and you were not a mess?"

If another doodle looks me in the eyes with their stupid dopey faces I'm going to lose it.

I need second dinner...

Going to roll the dice and try another Trader Joe's coffee product...wish me luck.

Our book is about gestures, so here you go.

EDITING A BOOK IS HARD WORK. WE'RE IN HOUR 11 JUST FOR TODAY. AHHHH.

30/40s gents: Where are you shopping for your everyday clothes these days?

It hurts my feelings a little when an account like "ChunkHunter69" follows me.

I missed my car ride buddy!

Let's get sickening!

I JUST GOT UPGRADED TO BUSINESS BITCHES

Just woke up to gun shots and sirens, time to go home

Conference done, beautiful weather in Atlanta, time to rot in my hotel for a while and recharge my social battery!

I just want to make stained glass lamps and mission furniture in the mountains

A statue update

Omg a director of my org is taking us to a strip club. I feel like I'm going on a weird coconut-scented safari.

Parents referring to their spouse as mommy/daddy when talking to their tween kids is kind of weird, right?

I don't think I'll get upgraded today on my flight. The horrors persist.

It's crazy how I'm just here and no one is bringing me a little snack.

I'm basically just a big sleepy puppy. ☀️

I would love to know why CRTL + V is opening my Bluetooth sync dialog instead of PASTING, dearest Windows.

I need to "catch up" on "work" I've been "avoiding" or whatever 😭

Glug glug glug

It has been 0 days since I last left a door to my home wide open for multiple hours.

Falling asleep on a call? Couldn't be me!

I miss the peace of mind and sense of direction I used to have.

LEMON: "I'm gonna be on TV this week." DR. SPACEMAN: "Really?...I think you mean radio" LEMON: "Why does everyone keep saying that?!?"

I've now had multiple people say to me "have you considered therapy?" 🫠