"You can't rescue every husky you see no matter how much it hurts your heart" 🥺

I'm feeling controversial: There is *always* a better condiment than ranch.

I want those mozzarella sticks obliterated

The way I would snuggle like a koala right now

Literally just discovered that this person I'm chatting with is actually two distinct people.

Every doodle comes at the cost of a trapped reincarnated human soul

Next time I think "I'll just wait to eat" someone needs to come slap me squarely across the face.

Trader Joe's turkey meatloaf is pretty great. It's even better when I add in a bunch of ricotta and bake it uncovered at the end.

Kerri Russell bearing the shit out of Margo Martindale is still one of my favorite moments in TV.

It's floor time

I really wish people would respect me when I say "please no table scraps." My dog literally won't eat her food anymore. Sure it's cute in the moment but I have to deal with the fallout and try to get her to accept that this is what food is again.

That feeling when you lay down next to your dog and they get up and move 🥲

It'd be a shame if you liked this post or followed me with your alt. I scarcely know what I'd do!

How do people have multiple text conversations and have a job? I have to pick one.

Make 👏 work 👏 scared 👏 of 👏 you

I just remembered I have pancakes from brunch I didn't eat

Why is it so hard to find a man who can do the whole Rasputin dance from Just Dance 2?

She is being so friggin cute today 😍

Reminder when I forget my glasses at the gym: just because you can't see them, doesn't mean they can't see you staring!

I'm randomly reading Black Eyed Peas lyrics and literally how was this band popular?

I did literally nothing today and I feel SO GUILTY about it.

Maduro is entirely indefensible, but what the hell is happening?

Idk is this something?

Either these new meds or less work are making me irascibly h-word. I guess I'll know next week.

Someone just asked me to sell them feet pics. I still got it!

Has anyone ever used an independent agent for insurance?

I'm contemplating trying the slutty mustache with stubble look 🤔 but I'm not sure if it would suit me

Going into 2026 as a total reply guy. CALM DOWN LIZARD BRAIN!

Resolution, schmezolution. What will you *not* be changing in 2026?

2026 will be the year I finally publish this damn book 😤

I had fast food on a whim last night and holy acid reflux batman

I've decided my home will have a solarium at some point in my life.

Wild how not being stressed out constantly makes you feel normal again!

It's weird finding out something years later about a past relationship that was even worse than what you already knew.

Anyone know how to subtly signal "girl not you, move! I want to see the guy behind you"?

You're doom scrolling on the couch. I'm risk scrolling on the gym stair machine. We're not the same.

I've been ignoring her all day (driving) but now we're catching up

In the last of 15 hours I ran into a wall of blinding rain but I made it, damnit!

Long road trip today. Who's calling me to keep me company?

I need people to never buy me clothes again.

Die Flamme dringt in mein Gehirn ein Wie ein Blei-Lebkuchenmann

This little girl has been through so much. She was hit by a car while pregnant, had puppies, was thrown into a truck with 15 other dogs and transported to a strange city. She's recovered from a GI parasite and is still battling heartworms. But her trust, love, and growth have been my real gift 🎁❤️

I miss living in Fergalicious times.

I have to take a new Rx in the morning and wait up to an hour to eat. ME WANT FOOD!

The worst part about divorce is losing the excuse to keep the holidays abbreviated.

looking for a last minute gift at williams sonoma

If my family had any idea what I was looking at on here as they watch Hallmark movies...

Nothing gives me the ick more than walking in a neighborhood where every house has surveillance cameras.

Made it to Florida for the holidays (derogatory)

Not to brag but I'm less "spiritually exhausted" and more "sleepy guy" today ☺️