My contractor just cut off part of his finger. Oh my god.

From my friend: "no using the oven is not like driving you don’t need to be sober"

"Bad Romance" is blaring in this Taco Bell while I destroy a crunch wrap stone cold sober. WHO WANT ME, BOYS?

Fuck me sideways (derogatory)

I think I want to learn Spanish/baroque guitar 🤔

Me and my little girl checking out the new floors

I literally get a high when a European says something like "how do you speak German so well?" or "wow, you really know a lot about EU politics!"

Me: I'm enjoying marinated Greek chickpeas from a tin Also me: I'm eating beans from a can.

$10 for a box of cereal is insane.

I need someone to drone a cinnamon roll and iced coffee to my window. It's an emergency.

If anyone wants a hot fudge sundae, come over. I'm taking orders.

I love this table of old gays next to me marvelling over a glucose meter 😂

She's always so excited to see me when I get home 😍

She's always so excited to see me when I get home 😍

I regret to inform myself that I did not win last night's Powerball.

Not to brag but I used 5 spoons today because I kept forgetting I already had one out.

Why do I always think this is Bashar al-Assad

I JUST HEARD THE ICE CREAM TRUCK

Gooning is made up and stupid. You look stupid.

Do you remember setting up something to download overnight and just praying no one make a phone call the next morning before it finished?

Choriza would be such a beautiful name for a baby girl.

She is very good about respecting personal space.

Just got an ad for a private matchmaking service to find love 💀

Reach out to your friend who is kinda quiet, they might be going through some shit and appreciate it.

Has he ever written IT'S OVER on your forehead while you were sleeping, but you saw it in the mirror and thought it said REVOSTI. So you got dressed up for a fancy Italian dinner to realize he was gone, just gone?!

NO, YOU'RE DURNK

I submitted two conference papers this week. I am exhausted, but feel such an insane sense of purpose and momentum again.

I think I might be too old (and not cool enough) for these modern, baggy fits.

Don't fuck him if he doesn't have a favorite symphony or concerto.

Just got invited to a group of experts gathering in London on a topic related to my research/writing. I really feel a life inflection point coming...

I need someone to make killer vegetarian shawarma.

Thinking about influencers who film themselves crying. I look ugly af.

Today was hard. Getting dumped in any form stings.

I just said out loud: "I'm dressed like a German lesbian today" and then I slipped on my Birkenstocks absentmindedly 😂

Ich bin am spiral'n!

During this pledge drive, my local NPR reporter referred to his female colleague as being "born and bred in Chicago"... I—

The way I would destroy an antipasti salad—yet have no access to said delicacy—is criminal.

Some days I think I can almost photosynthesize

I told him I needed space and muted his notifications. Will it help or will I spiral? Stay tuned...

I need a god damned lobotomy.

I would be committed if people heard the songs I sing to my dog.

I ate a bunch of tortellini and then I found one that had a big black spot on the back. If *this* is the thing that gets me... I swear...

She's the snuggliest, sweetest husky

Cool the Zuckerb*rg algorithm is showing me "happy alone" content now!

I keep going back to a dry well expecting to get water.

Oh it feels good to unfollow your ex's friends you never liked!

Heard in the wild: "But Copilot can walk me through it" 😭🤢 🤮

Whenever I think love is dead, I'll look at this

Everything reminds me of him 😞

I love having a plug-in hybrid. I haven't had to get gas in almost 2 months and still have a half tank.