First rule of Thesaurus Club: You don't talk, converse, discuss, speak, chat, deliberate, confer, gab, gossip, or natter about Thesaurus Club.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I'm a compulsive gambler... Ever since, all I can think of is how to win her back.

I'm giving up drinking . . .

I know the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas. Black eyed peas can sing us a tune. Chickpeas can only hummus one. (A rare "double pun")

". . . our troops deserve better."

Why was Adele's phone bill so high? Because she must have called a thousand times.

I decided to take the side mirrors off my car last week. I haven't looked back since.

Occasionally, my nose runs.

Happy Thanksgiving!

My girlfriend is leaving me because she says I'm obsessed with Astronomy. Seriously - what planet is she from?!

Woke up this morning with a cough. I think I might have pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. But it's hard to say...

When I was a kid, bedtime was 9 pm, and I couldn't wait to be a grown-up, so I could go to bed whenever I wanted. Turns out that's 9 pm.

Miss Piggy FTW

So far I've lost two days. . .

I was accepted into nursing school at age of 17. I got ADN RN.I went back to school, got my BSN. I completed my MSN in Education. Now,I'm in my third year of a PhD at the University of Kansas.Throughout all my programs,I did residencies while working as oncology nurse. How I am not a professional?

I would still vote for her.

Dems vs Repubs by the numbers

Yesterday evening, I had to change a light bulb. A bit later on, I crossed the road. Then I walked into a bar. My life is a joke.

The Department of Education aims to reduce our nation’s debt, and their big idea is to remove NURSING from the “professional occupation” list? Seriously? Of all the places to start, they targeted the one profession that is literally saving lives every single day. We are not the problem.

When I was in college, I used to live on a houseboat and started dating the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.

Find someone who looks at you . . .

Senator Mark Kelly ⬇️

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper looks at the bartender, confused, and says, "You have a drink called Steve?"🍷

I shared a joke like this on twitter once. Several of my followers didn't understand it was a joke and tweeted me medical advice; "Be sure to take care of that. You can't ignore something like that." I'm fine. It's a joke.

Just so we’re ALL clear: the President of the United States made death threats toward sitting Democratic members of Congress. But they’re always claiming Democrats are the dangerous ones, right? (1/2)

I’m sorry but this seems bad

Senator Murphy sounds the alarm as Trump calls for the deaths of Dems who served the country to be killed for reminding the military their loyalty is to the constitution not to him 🇺🇸

Happy 83rd Birthday Mr. President

Carrots may improve your vision. But rum will double it!

We eat both male and female turkeys for Thanksgiving but females only fetch .83¢ for every $1 a male turkey gets.

Willfully ignoring science - especially in vital areas like health, safety, defense, education, climate, and the economy - is a recipe for disaster. We are crippling our nation by dumbing down our children, just to coddle those who are fearfully insecure in their religious faith.

trump mentions the rigged census . . . Our last census? The one in 2020? The 2020 census took place during Donald Trump's term in office, from January 20, 2017, to January 20, 2021.

Flood the internet with it . . .

If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep... That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.

RptMTG finding out what we already knew

⬇️⬇️⬇️

A naked man arrives at a costume party with a girl on his back. 'I'm a turtle,' he says. 'Oh... Who's on your back?' 'That's Michelle,' he replies.

A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica, $2.75 in Aruba, and $3.00 in the Bahamas. Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

What's the difference between me and a calendar? A calendar has dates.

I tried to attend a seminar for kleptomaniacs. All the seats were already taken.

I wish I could wear this shirt to work.

My family goes back to the early colonial days. There are stories of them fighting in the Revolutionary and Civil Wars, among others. My thanks to all Veterans, everywhere.

There was a recent study that tried to pinpoint the effect that alcohol has on walking. The result was staggering.

I love telling dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!

Once destroyed

... control your stress