Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams and Bruno Mars walk into a bar..... They didn’t planet that way.

Boss: we’re gonna be doing random drug testing Me: okay but I won’t try crack

Me: “I need some sick time, I’ve got a case of anal glaucoma.” Boss: “Anal Glaucoma, what’s that?” Me: “I can’t see my ass coming to work tomorrow.”

I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. Plus it's fun to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.

I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. Plus it's fun to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.

A man boards a plane with six kids. After they get settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle leans over to him and asks, "are all of those kids yours?" He replies, " no. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

A man boards a plane with six kids. After they get settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle leans over to him and asks, "are all of those kids yours?" He replies, " no. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

I tried to sneak into a Star Trek convention dressed as a doctor. The security guard suspected that I wasn't the Real McCoy.

Do I love my coworkers? No. But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work? Also no.

My wife works at the zoo. I think she's a keeper

I tried to sneak into a Star Trek convention dressed as a doctor. The security guard suspected that I wasn't the Real McCoy.

My wife works at the zoo. I think she's a keeper

I was walking through a quarry and I said to the foreman, "That sure is a big rock." "Boulder," he corrected me. So I stuck out my chest and shouted, "THAT SURE IS A BIG ROCK!"

I was walking through a quarry and I said to the foreman, "That sure is a big rock." "Boulder," he corrected me. So I stuck out my chest and shouted, "THAT SURE IS A BIG ROCK!"

Sorry, I haven't gotten anything done today. I've been stuck in the produce department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.

Sorry, I haven't gotten anything done today. I've been stuck in the produce department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.

If a priest blesses an avocado, does it then become Holy Guacamole?

Did you know that birthdays are good for your health? Studies show that people who have more birthdays live longer.

Did you know that birthdays are good for your health? Studies show that people who have more birthdays live longer.

Good morning Blueskyers!! Our houseguest departed for LA this morning, so clean up is in progress and it was a working visit so I've been absent from social media since Wednesday. Lots to catch up on. I'll be posting this apple Beehive Cake today. How has everyones weekend gone??

If a priest blesses an avocado, does it then become Holy Guacamole?

I told my doctor I have a problem with my right ear. He asked if I was sure. I said: yeah... I'm definite.

Why did the hipster burn his tongue with his pizza? He ate it before it was cool!

I don't think our kids fully appreciate the fact that we've never killed them. Not even once.

What Do You Get When You Cross A Chicken With Weed!? ‘A Chicken Pot Pie!’

You are dust, and you will return to dust... That's why I don't dust, it could be someone I know.

You are dust, and you will return to dust... That's why I don't dust, it could be someone I know.

What Do You Get When You Cross A Chicken With Weed!? ‘A Chicken Pot Pie!’

What does a pirate have during sex? An aaarrrrgasm….

My wife told me: Sex is better on vacation . I wasn't expecting that on the postcard she sent from Greece.

Artists whom I was fortunate enough to have studio visits with when I was in London recently. Works in progress (they will remain unnamed until these are worthy of them:)

What does a pirate have during sex? An aaarrrrgasm….

Oh no. I’m a bot 😂😂😂😂😂

My wife told me: Sex is better on vacation . I wasn't expecting that on the postcard she sent from Greece.

I recently opened a company selling trampolines disguised as prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.

I recently opened a company selling trampolines disguised as prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.

I saw a dyslexic man the other day. He was wearing a cat flap.

It doesnt matter if you're tall or short, thin or fat, rich or poor, at the end of the day... It's night!

The CEO of IKEA was just elected Prime Minister in Sweden. He should have his cabinet together by the end of the weekend.

It doesnt matter if you're tall or short, thin or fat, rich or poor, at the end of the day... It's night!

So Daffy Duck finished shopping. At the checkout he asked for a carrier bag. The checkout girl said, “Shall I put it on your bill?” Daffy replied, “Don’t be thupid. I could thuffocate.”

What's the rudest kind of elf? The go fuck yours elf

Remember how this united us as a country. Today we are divided like never before. #sad

Someone stole $5000 worth of Red Bull from a local delivery truck. How do these people sleep at night!?

The CEO of IKEA was just elected Prime Minister in Sweden. He should have his cabinet together by the end of the weekend.

What's the rudest kind of elf? The go fuck yours elf

Mustache variations (I’m just a master of disguise:) 🥸 🎩 🕶️