What’s the difference between a golf ball and a G spot? A man will look for a golf ball…

Groan!!

2 optometrists are getting married. During their vows, they ask if they take each other for: better or worse... better or worse... better or worse...

What's the difference between Iron Man and Aluminum Man? Iron Man stops the bad guys, but Aluminum Man only foils their plans.

Leather is “rated” based on its texture. Cows with abundant water sources typically have softer hides, rated “A”. But hides from cows living in hot, dry climates are typically D Hide-Rated.

What's the difference between Iron Man and Aluminum Man? Iron Man stops the bad guys, but Aluminum Man only foils their plans.

2 optometrists are getting married. During their vows, they ask if they take each other for: better or worse... better or worse... better or worse...

I like how the Ninja Turtles wear masks. Good way to hide your identity. I mean, it's not like you're a giant turtle or anything.

I like how the Ninja Turtles wear masks. Good way to hide your identity. I mean, it's not like you're a giant turtle or anything.

Dammit

My son is at that age where he's curious about the human body. I'll have to hide it somewhere else now.

I was in Starbucks , and there was a guy sitting there. No phone, no iPad, no laptop. He was there drinking coffee like a psychopath.

Dependable and reliable resisters! #9 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻 @suzyqfit4u.bsky.social @johnwdean.bsky.social @littlemissvrb.bsky.social @mariana057.bsky.social @ellilanderson.bsky.social @melissjpeltier.bsky.social @cynthiaharless.bsky.social @thedemcoalition.bsky.social @rosannaarquette.bsky.social

I was in Starbucks , and there was a guy sitting there. No phone, no iPad, no laptop. He was there drinking coffee like a psychopath.

When I was young, I was poor. After years of hard work...I am no longer young.

When I was young, I was poor. After years of hard work...I am no longer young.

The best murder weapon would be a Tupperware lid… No one would be able to find it.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Did you know that if you hold your ear up to a stranger's leg you can actually hear them say "What the fuck are you doing?

The best murder weapon would be a Tupperware lid… No one would be able to find it.

I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was "I bet a donut wouldn't have done this to me." Stay safe, eat more donuts. Follow me for more life hacks…

I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was "I bet a donut wouldn't have done this to me." Stay safe, eat more donuts. Follow me for more life hacks…

I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, the Cranberries and Eminem. I call it my trail mix.

Safety First! Just kidding. Coffee first. Safety's like third or fourth.

I owe so many laughs to this woman!! I read them to my hubby who cracks up as well!! 🤣😂🤣 5 second rule! 😂🤣

🤣

If you are ever in fear of being eaten by a bear, just lay on the ground for 5 seconds. The "5 second rule" for food on the ground will apply and he cannot eat you. Follow me for more Outdoor camping hacks!

😂😅😂

Interviewer: What is this 4 year gap in your resume? Me: That's when I went to Yale. Interviewer: That's impressive, you're hired! Me: Thanks, I really need this yob.

Interviewer: What is this 4 year gap in your resume? Me: That's when I went to Yale. Interviewer: That's impressive, you're hired! Me: Thanks, I really need this yob.

I bought some coconut shampoo today. I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”

When he prepares Eggs Benedict, Tom fondly remembers his time at culinary school in Amsterdam. Those were his Holland days.

AGE 12: Fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road, biked 5 miles home. AGE 45: Used wrong pillow, back was nonfunctional for two days.

Boss: we’re gonna be doing random drug testing Me: okay but I won’t try crack.

Boss: we’re gonna be doing random drug testing Me: okay but I won’t try crack.

Adult life is constantly saying to your friends, "let's do something soon!" and then suddenly 7 months have gone by.

I hate when I think I’m buying organic vegetables and when I get home I discover they’re just regular donuts.

I hate when I think I’m buying organic vegetables and when I get home I discover they’re just regular donuts.

Adult life is constantly saying to your friends, "let's do something soon!" and then suddenly 7 months have gone by.

Children really brighten up a home. They never turn the lights off…

My life is a constant cycle of waiting for the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.

I once took a class in film study and there was a lot of talk about 'subtext'. Then someone told me it's an anagram for 'buttsex' and I had to drop out and now I'm unable to talk intelligently about movies. You're welcome.

I'm saving up jokes. Retirement is going to be fun. 😂

I just took a shower... You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.

Children really brighten up a home. They never turn the lights off…