I've been dismissing the software update on my phone for months now. It's the only thing I have control over in my life anymore. I need this.

this new diarrhea really makes the old diarrhea look like shit

I don't know who needs to hear this, but could sometime explain to me how come why? Make it make sense!

you’re always getting lunged at by crazy people. just once i’d like to be lunged at by a reasonable person

Anyone wanna go watch Toy Story 17 with me? Kids love it, but it's also got a hidden message for adults about the dangers of rising up against neo-feudalism.

Good morning users, let's consume that content!

humans are dangerous and should be banned

Wife: We really have to start eating right Me: [trying to eat chow mein with a stapler]

I'll straight up listen to elevator music in a house and house music in an elevator. I really don't give a shit anymore.

Hear me out: 73 hour deodorant

Take my ethical nonmonogamous friend with benefits, please

I feel sorry for the bees that have to make hot honey.

I accidentally did reverse cowgirl on opposite day and created a black hole

You crushed your morning ride and crushed your usual pace. You’re crushing your Spanish lessons. You crushed 1100 calories at lunch. You crushed your penis in the car door

I literally just watched Possession last night, for the first time. Sam Neill was phenomenal. An actor's actor.

Hear me out: 73 hour deodorant

Some moments stay with you forever. Like the waiter saying “We accidentally made two.”

Twitter was a good website for telling jokes and reading jokes. X is a good website for being white and having nothing else going on.

My favorite genre of music is Liked Songs

And sir, would you care for some pink Himalayan microplastics? Just say when.

"Ew, what's that terrible smell??” That would be me. But don't worry, it's 72-hour deodorant.

As Long-Time Critics Declare Mitch McConnell's Burial "Undeniable Proof" of Senate Majority Leader's Failing Health, Republican Allies Detail "Bone Chilling" Buried-Alive Scenario

i bet puke is a refreshing change of pace if you're a toilet

Cop: Proof of insurance, please. Me: Sure, which year? I still have a nice 2017 in the back of the glove box.

Shoelaces are too long nowadays!

You're flossing and fling a piece of crud onto the mirror. Do you: Clean it up? Or double it and pass it to the next person?

I've been dismissing the software update on my phone for months now. It's the only thing I have control over in my life anymore. I need this.

DoorDash is great for when you want to pay double for leftovers

All my friends are turning polyamorous or going open relationship. It sucks for party planning because they all want a +3.

A car repair place called Auto Correct.

my first thought when logging into bluesky every day is “i wonder what’s happening on twitter”

they need to make a death cab for ugly

I accidentally wore yellow to the museum and Nathan Drake tried to climb me

youre built different? thats cool. nto me. im built the same. basic model no frills, thats me

All my friends are turning polyamorous or going open relationship. It sucks for party planning because they all want a +3.

I will never lock in. you’ll never see me on a grind. I meander. I trickle.

I had to eat my traditional Spanish rice dish without musical accompaniment. Totally acapaella.

Some pets are food motivated. My cat is getting into the garage motivated.

Pass me that hammer. I wanna go ham on some stuff.

I bought a smoldering log at a thrift store. Talk about secondhand smoke!

I only get my news from trusted news sources. Like from a picture with big white and yellow text.

I finally took my first step in overcoming depression by cleaning my bong

My new alarm has a setting that after the 10th snooze it assisted suicides me

If all men are dogs, then we can conclude that all women are cats. And we all know the axioms that it's raining men and it's raining cats and dogs. Therefore, there must be some men that are cats. A paradox.

Breaking: bipartisan bill passes that approves a new three-tier justice system

Skipping all my friends' stories to watch the ads

I would love to find mysterious alien tech.

i’m just going to assume all of you blew off your fingers in a tragic 4th event and that’s why you’re not liking my posts today

My wife and I are on our third fur-baby. All dogs. But we're still trying for a fourth because she wants a little kitten for herself.

Jazz is all about the notes you don't play, I say sitting in complete silence.