Reply guys: please go fuck yourself bc no one else ever will, you insufferable twats.

That awful high-pitched squeal girls do when they see each other? I understand why Van Gogh cut off his ear bc I’d like to remove both.

I am so fucking mad at Diddy for ruining that song for me bc I really fucking liked it.

Hearing more stories about women being charged after their young children ate their gummies. Do me a simple favor and get a little lockbox for them (the gummies, not the kids).

I don’t shop anymore, so imagine my surprise when I saw they’re locking up baby formula now.

Told AB dog she’s not allowed to sit on the back of the new couch, so she did what all beagles do—ignore me and invite her brother to join her.

Honk honk.

I’m really excited for babies to die from preventable diseases.

This is my crummy morning moon pic I took in the Scooter’s drive thru when I saw @scribblymoth.bsky.social post about the moon 🌙

Hot flash so swell I had to put on two fans and open the bedroom window 🥵 It’s 20 but feels like 13 outside, which brings me joy.

“the coat covers my outfit” Honey you live in the Midwest. The coat is ur outfit. it will be until March.

😂😂😂😂

NOROFLK, Va. (AP) — Grand jury rejects new mortgage fraud indictment against New York Attorney General Letitia James, AP source says.

Went to Starbucks near the Plaza and ordered their eggnog latte. That was not eggnog. That was water with a nasty-ass syrup or something. Fucking too gross to even finish.

Results in already, the girls are good. See ya in a year ✌🏼

Just in: Court finds both the legislature's and the Secretary of State's summary statement and fair ballot language insufficient; orders new language. More to come.

Taking some joy in the fact that every system I need to have to work from home isn’t working 😂

“He gave away his HEART for Christmas?” - small child in line at Walgreen’s encountering Wham! for the first time

Covering up cigarette smell with a gallon of perfume is definitely a choice that makes me want to wear a mask all the time again.

My boobies have been successfully fondled, deodorant applied, on my way to find the bougiest coffee I can find.

Pain and sadness to people who play videos without earbuds in medical clinic waiting rooms.

I am really disappointed in two week’s ago AB who scheduled a 8 AM mammogram. Bitch failed me.

I want to sleep but kiddo wants to scream as loud as humanly possible while playing on VR 😭

No one: My cat at 2 a.m.: I bet I can jump through the Christmas tree

I get my boobies fondled tomorrow 😏

AB’s nightly reminder to turn your headlights the fuck on.

The moon be moonin’.

I got a little unhinged and slap happy this afternoon but that’s okay. The girl that doesn’t like me wasn’t there, so I didn’t feel judged.

Running on zero minutes/hours of sleep in the last 24 hours and I don’t want to die yet so that’s good

Wednesday! HomeTown Trivia Fric & Frac! 7:30! Come out for a great time & a shot at $30, 20 or 10 in house cash. C'mon...you know you wanna play. Tonight's hint: First Muscle Shoals #1 hit on Billboard. See alla yiz at The Frac!

In just the last two years, 156 people have lost $3 million dollars in Clay County to cryptocurrency ATM scams. The county is trying to alert people at cryptocurrency machines so they don't fall for one.

WHYYYYYY is it so hard to turn on your headlights when driving in the dark?????

I have not slept yet. My alarm will go off in 1.5 hours. Love this for me 🥰

I have been off my period less than a week, and the new one starts in one week. My OBGYN seemed more concerned with potential heart issues after Covid (despite regular check-ups indicating no issues) than my 16 day periods 😭

I am taking my ancestor’s Depression Era knowledge to get through these times (reusing foil, used butter containers as Tupperware, and used cookie tins as storage for junk)

Has no one learned anything about me after DAVID on Twitter?

Therapist: Why do you think you never ask for help? Me: Well, my mom had surgery today and didn’t tell me, because then it would imply that she needs help.

Now I have “burn motherfucker, burn” stuck in my head (Bloodhound Gang, Fire Water Burn)

Well, I feel a lot better. You guys are the best.

Learning everything I can about my neighbor now. Of course his name is Dick.

This is the one

Oh, so I have to teach my child to caretake a grown man’s feelings bc in his 60+ years of life he hasn’t learned how to regulate himself and be a decent fucking human? The fuck out of here with that shit.

New old man neighbor who lives behind us has a hill and drainage ditch at the back of his property. The kids were sledding, like usual, and he came out and yelled at them to get off his property, and if he ever sees them again he’ll call the sheriff. My question ⬇️

Okay but what about all the cocaine addicted sea life? Do we not care about that?!?!

I hate that a strength’s assessment spoke about me more kindly than a supervisor ever has and I’m 😭

Do a-holes buy trucks or does owning the truck make you an a-hole?

If you as a business park your cars on the front sidewalk I wish nothing but bad things for you 🥰

For the love of all things pls stop braking up snow-packed/icy hills. PEDAL TO THE METAL.

Governor Kehoe is preparing a proposal to eliminate the Missouri income tax. Welcome to Kansas and the Brownback Era.