I love when you are taking a shower and a thought comes into your head that gives you pause, like, “For someone who loves so many people, you can be careless with the hearts you care the most about.”

Chatted with Barb (neighbor) over the fence for a bit and she said, “Have you lost some weight?” Bless you, Barb.💗

Yes,,, your boy has taken a ride in the 4 man bobsled,,, but im an adrenaline junkie and needed to try skeleton. And now I’ve officially joined the team and am gonna try to start competing. 66 years old going 66 mph.

I’m done posting weirdly sexual foods, I promise.

I had to.

These sweet potatoes got me about to act up.

I only want to eat sexy pickles.

About to be my year.

TVs on in waiting rooms reminds me how much I hate daytime tv.

Colonoscopy prep, but cocktail flavored.

The birds are very excited about this weather.

My child riding safely in the cart.

I guess I’ll stop being a lump and shower and eat and…go to Costco🥴

My heating pad and coffee in bed has me in a chokehold.

If I show this to 15yo, it will be our next vacation.

*mötley crüe voice*:

I’ve seen a lack of thirst today and frankly, I find that disturbing.

You know he means business when he puts an apron on.

Roses are red And used for seduction Workers unite Sieze the means of production

Eye love you.

I can hear the music in this scene.

That was such a good show. And he looked so fucking goooooood in the tight jeans he was wearing.

Give her what she really wants: a face ride and some fucking peace and quiet.

I love this pony so much.

You are deserving of love. You deserve to love yourself, as you are, at every stage, as imperfect as it all is.

From my heart to yours.💗

The Pitt😭

Hell yeah. Fuck yeah, as a matter of fact.

This burger might actually be 6’2”.

18yo got his first speeding ticket.🥲

We made it to the weekend.

Still true.

Get me to 5, please.

Why limit yourself?

Full as a tick.

Repost for the later morning crowd.

Found the creator of Galentine’s Day.

One of my last enemies at work no longer works here.

Sleepy void.

Begging people to actually get out into the world and talk with other people.

She ch ch ch on my ha ha ha til I Voorhees.

Sunny D is when you are getting railed in a sundress.

I forgot to show you all something I saw earlier.

It is nice when teachers say nice things about your kid. Her math teacher said that she is respectful and that he really respects her as a person. That made me feel good.💗

15yo busted me for hiding Swedish candies.

Always keep that pressure on.

I love doing what it takes to get a solid answer for a customer and especially when that answer is good news (at least down the road).

[in alice cooper voice] beee myyyyy valentine

One of the more painful things at work is remaining patient with someone who is simply not understanding the thing you are telling them, often in simple terms (and it is not a language barrier issue).