Sometimes I get mad when I realize that asshole over there is made out of stars too

I hate gay Halloween. What do you mean you’re the hauntavirus

Happy Mother’s Day to everyone but her —

not my stepmother but the mother who stepped up

My microwave beeped to let me know my oatmeal was ready 38 minutes ago. That’s where I am today.

*me at my first rodeo* horsies!

Pronouns!

trans ally Peggy Olson

If Dane Cook can stun, then I can stab

Is “stuns” in the room with us right now??????

the fast food chain white castle is older than italian unification

I’m gyrating to Persian pop in my wife’s Yaris on highway 81 southbound What are you up to tonight?

MIKE: life gave me hard lemons

I put my wife’s keys on my own key carabiner and it was just too much; I was instantly transformed into some sort of lesbian overlord/landlord, and I screamed from the weight of it all

this photo is from Sonic Adventure 2 Battle. Prove me wrong.

Welp it’s my first day on Canvas’ cybersecurity team. Wish me luck, fam!

Sorry if I’ve seemed a little off lately. It’s because I’ve been off.

Word has it that RFK Jr just ripped off his shirt and swam in his jeans to the Hanta boat

He heard Hanta was in danger

Word has it that RFK Jr just ripped off his shirt and swam in his jeans to the Hanta boat

I personally love to read shit like "U.S. Pauses 'Project Freedom'" in headlines. Not all good jokes need to be complicated.

My wife, in a text: how r u???? Me, typing: overwellm Me, typing: overwhkll Me, typing::: overweight Me, typing: iverwhe Me, typing: ivermectin Me, typing: overmectin *throws phone*

I’m a 5-foot-tall “close talker”; of course I’m going to grab your collar to speak with you like I’m about to utter my dying breath, which just might be a forbidden love confession

RFK Jr going after my antidepressant meds like they’re roadkill with sizable schlongs actually WAS on my bingo card

Eat shit and live, Bill

Ok, who fucked with the knobs of the human suffering thermostat

Ok, who fucked with the knobs of the human suffering thermostat

What is the bottom-line cocaine limit then???????????

I’m gonna need my friendos here on Bluesky to give my friend Sontina Reid some much-deserved (long overdue) love for her incredible artwork. I’ve linked the vote form here; check her out on Insta at: sontina_reid PLEASE peoplesartist.org/2026/sontina...

Do you have any ketchup?

me: to celebrate may the 4th i made your oatmeal LUKE warm my kids: pls don’t speak to people outside of this house

Every splashy New York Times profile of a right wing influencer.

If I text you this, it means I’m doing something that I want to do

A class at my kids’ school put up little statements about the good they want to do in the world and I was over the moon about this one - then I learned they meant to say “teach people in jail” which is also good!

Tonight at The Ivy bookstore here in Baltimore! Some incredible writers who aren’t on Bluesky! It’s gonna be amazing! There will be cake. 6 pm. TONIGHT.

What’s your favorite song to bash your head into a wall to?????

Survival of the thiccest

My day before Erika Kirk’s face pops up on my feed—

I’m framing this for my office.

He participated in “Book Innit” and got a free pizza

He participated in “Book Innit” and got a free pizza

I like how she had to toss in the thing about illegals lest she actually direct peoples irritation towards the correct source

My day before Erika Kirk’s face pops up on my feed—

“Still punk as fuck” I say as I slap a low-dose estradiol patch onto my butt shelf

Druski gave her such a complex that she dresses like antifa now

My mom accidentally sent me proof she’d leashed me as a kid. With rope, lolll

I’m starting to think the Supreme Court is corrupt

Oh he took them HOSTAGE

Omg I just got a text alerting me to head to my nearest ballroom for safety Did anyone else get one??????

Roses are red I write nonfiction