when you have an appointment in the middle of the day and enter waiting mode

Accidentally ate the silica gel packet in this bag of dicks, plz advise.

idk, seems like a whole bag is way too many dicks

Life is the quicksand they warned us about as kids.

a thing in life can actually break you so profoundly that you grow up to be a person who writes jokes on the internet

🫣

My cat thinks you have too many issues

what if we made out under the lights of an exploded spacex rocket

If you’re only following someone in hopes they follow you back to the extent that you get mad when they don’t— do what Tyger does and see yourself out

Burger King and Dairy Queen stretching out their hands to touch a final time as Hamburglar releases the guillotines, the peasantry roars

“You caught my eye," he says. I look in my hand. "Oh shit, is THAT what this thing is?”

You are what you collect.

**whispers nachos in your ear during sex

bro did you even absorb the sunshine and azure sky directly into your soul today or no

🎞️ GREAT FILMS CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE FOR THE BETTER!!!

Sipping a shot of DayQuil like it's a 30 year scotch

Picard: "Doctor Crusher, status report." Doctor Crusher: "It's Wesley, Captain, he's down bad" Picard: "Damnit Wes, I warned you not to use the anime cat girl holodeck program. Lieutenant LaForge, eject Wes from the holodeck" LaForge: "Sir I think he's ejecting all on his own" Data: "Gross"

oh goddamnit now i'm gonna stick out like a sore thumb! this camo was designed for the countryside.

I don’t have a love language, just leave me alone and I’ll like you.

When Eve met that serpent in the Garden of Eden … She didn’t know him from Adam.

A volcano, because we have angered the hair follicles of the Gods.

Wheeling a 55 gallon trash can around Wal-Mart. This is one of the best Saturday nights ever.

Me: sorry, I only follow back people I interact with and recognize Also me: *dreads interacting and being recognized*

for a country with such staunch anti-immigration sentiment, Americans sure do love assuming everyone is American.

you ever get into a longer endurance workout and you’re busting ass and thinking “ok this is hard but I got it, block out the pain and keep fighting and it’ll be over before you know it. i’m strong enough, just keep going” and then you check your watch and it’s only March 8, 2025

If you're in line to sit on my face for International Women's Day, STAY IN LINE.

I don’t romanticize about things so much anymore. Maybe early spring baseball and the promise of warmer weather. Maybe the egg casings laid by a parasitoid wasp in the body of a hapless tomato hornworm, that sort of thing

Even at this age whenever I buy any clothing I ask myself, “Can you get away from the cops in this?”

How to keep a woman happy: 1.) Rub her feet 2.) Listen about her day 3.) Show her off 4.) Reassure her on tough days 5.) Cure cancer

A lint roller but for my attitude

The older I get, the more I understand why my dad just sat in the car alone before coming inside.

Don’t ask me to explain myself. I have no idea either

*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end* Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.

getting a neuralink implant and scuba diving down to take a big bite out of the transatlantic internet cable so my brain can hack into the US Nuclear Stockpile Database to go eat some uranium and become Dr. Manhattan so i can finally get a leg up on my girl's blue dildo

Frankenstein's quote of the night. ''Exhibition is the name Voyeurism is the game Stereoscopic is the show Viewing time makes it grow I am a poseur and I don't care. I like to make people stare!'' Poly Styrene

lieutenant: grab your camo and suit up soldier me: where am i being deployed, sir? lieutenant: scotland. me: *puts on my plaid pajamas*

A strong sense of smell is the worst superpower

Finally decided to legally adopt the leftover Chinese takeout box in the back of the fridge.

The only celebrity endorsement I respect is Slimer. If it's good enough for Slimer, it's good enough for me

Going malls deep at this Sbarro.