While you guys were watching the northern lights, I studied the blade

New York also has rebates still going as well. Not this big, but around 2,000.

I’m the Chinese Ghost City of people.

Making the right by my house and a guy walking slowly across the street had a pogo stick and dramatically dropped it on the car hood. (It slid off ) I said “hey you dropped something.” To which he said “fuck you.” I wish he could just get the help he needs on demand before he gets killed.

What’s up, fella? Two more with him tonight

Some harm some foul

Well in another sign of the end of the world someone I know is selling World Cup Final seats for 30k each. How many would you like me to put you down for?

I wish I’d married someone from another country so I could start a YouTube channel with topics like “My Italian wife tries beheading a family of oligarchs for the first time.”

“ it’s admirable…. To be a high testosterone male” Does he know any? These people are so, so insecure.

Make a funnel out of crispy turkey skin and just pour the gravy down my throat, b

It’s football Saturday so I’m watching France vs South Africa rugby. Great match.

You can't just plop a puff pastry on top of thick chicken soup and call it a pot pie

Oh, the Rottweiler tails and the murders are the worst things. Forgot about the murdering

My brother just told me a friend of his just got paid by Trump for completing a breakwater or sea wall at Mar a Lago. From 2018.

Before I found god they called me Danny boy because the pipe was always calling

These are my sons, Haulfrun and Chegwidden.

PBS is letting me bring back Huell Howser’s California Gold! Except I’m only visiting places where I’ve had sex with your Mom.

Something’s going to happen in Venezuela or something else big in the next 2 weeks or so. Like this idiot is definitely going to do something. You can feel it

Meanwhile in America their president is appealing to their top court to please please please let him starve the people he works for

taking a long drink of strawberry milk and whipping the glass into the fireplace

Aborted babies crawling around heaven like shrimp

I knew I’d seen this.

“I’m hard as a rock.” I said to my girlfriend, Medusa.

“Everything happens for a reason,” I explain as a small horse gives you a haircut

America went to shit when they took the spider eggs out of the bubble gum.

Eeyore just called and said we can’t hang out anymore cuz I’m too depressing.

PSA: When the weather gets cold, people often forget about hydration. Remember, you should be drinking at least three glasses of gravy a day.

The plural of shenanigan should be shenanigi

My daughter is v funny

whistlin dicks, see

Sad about prop 50. Here bitch.

I was raised Catholic so I’m always a little ashamed after I’ve drained my sillcock for the winter

Shutting down airspace because we can’t pay air traffic controllers whilst giving 40 billion to Argentina Can somebody help me budget this my superpower is dying

i hate it when something is described as "inscrutable." you have no idea the types of things im able to scrute

Giblet Gravy Boutros-Ghali

No one has ever said the word “hoagie,” in my presence without me picturing me crushing their skull with a rock. Sorry, hoagie people

Dear Gavin, If you want to play in our sandbox you need to move left. Fire the consultants. Sincerely, America

I haven’t had a good day in a long minute. I’m surfing early tomorrow. Need to take some small wins

Cuomo just called from a Greyhound bus in Delaware heading south

Okay wealthy New Yorkers it’s past time to shut the fuck up and get out. Go, you dumb fucks. Why are you still there?

Hey Cuomo I worked in relocation for about 25 years I can get you to Florida with a quickness

THE MAMDATE IS HERE

I completely disagree with the premise that the Addams Family were altogether ooky.

Canvasser just came by to see how we voted on Prop 50. Told her it was four yesses and how many houses has she been to? She said about 65 with only 6 no’s. I expect that in my neighborhood but it still bodes well

IN COD WE TRUST

If I lived in Massachusetts I’d have a scrodcast that would tell people what recipes to cook with the daily catch what are you doing @saltymactavish.bsky.social this is the way to cash out

My daughter just interviewed me for a grad school class and was filling out the survey and I heard her say “children, three” (that includes her and she’s my god daughter and this is the best thing I’ve ever heard and I was crying oh my god I know this but also don’t know this ya know)

Hey siri how many calories are in hurricanes Katrina