Today on a Teams meeting while people were talking I looked at myself and said “damn, dude, you seem to have a giant head. It takes up so much camera. Are you too close or do you just have a huge head? Anyway, we’re ahead of budget by a lot.

I’m in a rugby group of about 14 old ASU rugby pals spanning like three or four years. Good friends. All idiots. 13 of us have been married like 30 years. 14 had a bad wife first, and now has a gem. Odd. Statistically nearly impossible given the nature of the people involved.

The bear minimum is one. One bear. You can't say there is a bear with less than one bear.

Saw your mom’s sign today…

The fundamentalist-modernist controversy never ended, and it sure looks like the Texas Senate race is gonna make what has often functioned as subtext between the Christian traditions just, like, context.

Can I open up to you guys? Trust circle? When kids were young I tired not to swear but if I slammed my hand I’d exclaim “Pablo Neruda that hurts.” Also sometimes “Boutros Boutros-Ghali damnit” Still do. Whew. Thanks

Guys, for the first time in years I have a shit ton of fucks to give. Oh my god why do I have so many? Anyway, if you’re out, I’m your guy. No cost. On me.

QP a favorite photo of yourself

I don’t have ADD, Neil, I just like shiny objects. A lot

THE NEW YORK KNICKS ARE HEADED TO THEIR FIRST NBA FINALS SINCE 1999 🔥 The Knicks win their 11th straight game, secure their 2nd consecutive 4-0 series win, and advance to the NBA Finals for the 1st time in 27 years! They will take on the winner of Thunder/Spurs.

Hollywood, Kia, get the deal done. This can replace the GM product for the bad guy gang in movies

We sure miss this guy.:(

“Would you rather have me remember your name or the way your eyes looked as you downshifted through that tight curve?” I have no space for passwords bc cheesy film noir dialogue takes up all my RAM

This is a Political Song For Michael Jackson to Sing You should listen to it.

Recipe websites have more pop ups now than 90’s porn sites. Not that I would know, but I read about it

10 STRAIGHT FOR NYK 🚨 The Knicks win Game 3 on the road, take a 3-0 ECF lead and become the 10th team in NBA history to win 10 consecutive games in a single postseason! NBA Conference Finals presented by Google

If you’re a sportswriter you should be doing a deep dive on the beginning of an unlikely Knicks Dynasty.

If conservatives in America weren’t such pussies we could have flying cars and Jetson shit, with no homeless and everyone educated.

When they make a movie about this Knicks run I hope Robbie Benson plays Tyler Kolek.

YOU’RE LISTENING TO SISYPHUS FM, THE HOME OF NON-STOP ROCK

So I guess everyone is just gonna grow mustaches again and none of you are going to say they look like 80’s cops.

The flight home had a baba yaga infestation so cleanup is going to be a mess

Don’t even talk to me in the morning until I’ve had my horse paste

TSA was rude to me and said “the bomb dog signaled you. You need to come with me,” To which I rudely replied “it was probably the explosive diarrhea this morning.” And now I’m sitting in a room while they go through everything.

Me: If you eat a Venus Flytrap are you still a vegetarian? ChatGPT data center: *burns a hole straight through the Earth*

In Seattle and there isn’t a single cloud in the sky. I’ve never been here when it’s like this. It’s Amazing

"We've got nothing better to do than to watch TV and have a couple of beers."

Gotta hate when the pilot has a Himmler haircut

COULD YOU AT LEAST PRETEND TO BE INTERESTED IN MY MEALWORM COLLECTION, DAD?

I’m in Nashville but still thinking of how confusing signage is in Salt Lake.

Hotel fire alarm at 10:30 last night, and again at 5:40 am. What I’m saying is your bosses are DEMANDING productivity today. Grab an oar you scurvy dawgs

Me: See that mark on the sidewalk? That's where I made a ramp with bricks and a wooden board when I was 12 and jumped my dirt bike Evel Knievel-style over two Big Wheels and broke my arm. It was legendary. Agent: I'm sorry, that doesn't qualify as a UNESCO World Heritage Site.

My Haters are seething when I show up in

When I’m not sure a country person is a fascist or not, I check w my daughter

Bob Eubanks on the streets, Gene Rayburn in the sheets.

I would drink with you, then fight each other for laughs in the parking lot, then breathing heavily laugh super hard and go to Waffle House with you if you were nice enough.

The Chode of Hammurabi

Remember when you turned like 46, and your friend went in for like the third time and you realized he’d been inside his whole adult life and the reason he went back was security and then you cried? It was like a funeral.

Getting up at 3:30 to go to salt lake. Supposed to come back tomorrow night but that’s an 19 hour day and I’m not doing that. Hello, Marriott corporation.

I’m jealous that Troy Hawke took my compliment schtick and made an art out of it

Bram Stoker’s There’s No Goddam Toilet Paper

I drive by the striking teamsters and honk like crazy on my way to my job with a nonunion relocation company. “You guys should unionize.” I whisper furtively.

Oh those are harbor gulls, not private beach gulls. They always sound like that around lunchtime

“pick a card any card” i say, fanning out some ham slices

Wait what does that say on his bat

LFGGGGGG KNICKS SWEEP 144-114 Knicks DOMINATION

Babe are you a Death Valley pupfish? Cause you seem to be thriving despite these incredibly harsh conditions.

Missing this goofy boy