All ping, no pong

Hopefully scientists are working on powerful new ways to chill me out

I don't know who needs to hear this but Shen Yun is back.

by age 35, you should have: • inherited a vast fortune from a long lost uncle • found a duffel bag filled with cash • traded a cow for magic beans • robbed a bank • liberated a djinn from a mystical oil lamp or you are going to be working until you die

Friday. A factory reset of the tv results in a David Letterman channel default and Gary zoning out for the evening to unlimited stupid pet tricks

Ok maybe ice skating is on

The first 72 hours of the apocalypse will be critical. After that the robodog batteries will be dead and you can raid the Amazon warehouse.

Born again nihilist

I have one friend who doesn’t like texting and is constantly sending me voice memos. I hate him so much

You're in her DMs. I'm also in her DMs giving her a great slow cooker recipe

Salt and vinegar chips so strong they’d kill a Victorian child

One day back on the other site, @sunshinejarboly.bsky.social wrote a fantastic thread about what it was like in the 1970s. It was a work of art, a masterpiece. And I'm not exaggerating when I say I think about the highlighted line every day.

Someone posted that they preferred Mr. Roper over Mr. Furley so I had to block them. It's too early for that crap.

These are my sons, Zeynel and Rembert.

one time my dad pushed his vw van filled with alka seltzer tablets into a motel pool & was excused from jury duty for life.

I think I'm ready to wander off into the wilderness and let something eat me

hey girl, pirated movies and chill? i got the new zootopia dubbed in italian with japanese subtitles

*two women bump shopping carts* Woman1: (smiles) I see you're feeding Purina One, have you read the ingredients? Woman2: (confused) What? No, why? Woman1: (eyes turn completely black, still smiling) BLUE HAS WILDEBEEST HEART & ZEBRA SPLEEN & IT'S ONLY 25 CENTS A DAY MORE ISN'T YOUR DOG WORTH IT

Hohoho and

Reluctantly crouched at the starting line* *remote starting the minivan

I'm a defeatist, am I? Well, I won't argue with you.

Babe, have you seen the Tony Orlando and Dawn "Knock Three Times" door knocker? I want to install it today.

Sorry I got confused and yelled “Red rover, red rover!” when your family joined hands to pray before dinner.

[Brian De Palma walks into a bar] Bartender: Why the long Scarface?

since my 11yo daughter has spent 99% of her time around me and her older brothers she has developed the most low frequency guttural belches

Always keep a ripe avocado in one pocket and a lime in the other because you'll never know when you'll be feeling salty enough to whip up some pocket guacamole to go with the chip on your shoulder

I've decided to start my own hive mind. It's just me so far

one time i was at a party where there was a no-shoe policy in the house & as the night progressed everyone eventually ignored me because i wouldn’t stop asking when we were going to get our shoes back.

Why like the post when you can reply to the cow for free?

First night of polo camp, we split into 2 groups: the rich kids vs. the slightly less rich kids.

"Two great tastes that go great together!"

[two guys bump into each other] "You got herring in my Braunschweiger!" "You got Braunschweiger in my herring!" And that's how Herringschweiger was born.

FML (Fold My Lasagna)

Come with me and you'll be in some really weird imaginations

Friend: Don't take this the wrong way, but is that a burrito in your pocket? Me: Haha no, that would be silly. Friend: Me: It's a tamale.

OH MY GOD WE FINALLY SAW A MOOSE! TWO!

For fifteen years we have yearly made the 57 mile (one way) drive to the boundary waters area to try to see a moose in the wild. I can die happy now.

When someone asks if you feel more like yourself today it's always polite to answer with, "which one?"

Just sneezed while my arm was resting on an armrest. Please call an ambulance.

I’ve been hoarding clarified butter in preparation for the coming lobster wars

I never realized my full potential because "Weird Al" Yankovic was born first.

A Star is Born (1976), but with Ruth Gordon and Bud Cort.

The best part of getting new tech is the 30+ minutes of updates you need to download and install before you can use it. It's edging my nerdy nougat center

me: I’m gonna start a band called LMFAO my uncle: can I be in it

Saw things. At the gym today. I can't talk about.

judy blume's are you there goddamnit, don't leave me on read motherfucker

Getting to all my appointments early so I can shitpost for at least 15 minutes beforehand