life passing me by sounds pretty good right now

Hello, I would like to waste 3 seconds of your time. Thank you.

EAT THE FORBIDDEN BABY OWL

[at the sports bar] Me: Excuse me, can you change it to Food Network? Guy's Grocery Games is on.

Out of the shower, in my pajamas, playing a video game

The human circulatory system, before and after proper cable management.

what circle of hell is LinkedIn

It's gonna be long dry summer. Best get to pickling your hot dogs.

honk if your life is both your reward & penance

🙌😋

I don't really need reading glasses yet, but sometimes I put a pair on and my eyes are like, "Hey! This is pretty nice. Thanks lady!" and I didn't even know that giving the eyes the ability to talk was another selling point for reading glasses.

*at dinner my wife pulls out a puka shell necklace from her chicken noodle soup & holds it up. i look up from my plate* there it is.

Forget your zodiac sign, what are your Criterion closet picks

"Yaas king, slay" I cheer quietly to myself as I finish my 2lb asada burrito.

you just know some guy named geoff decided to spell it "pigeon"

let’s order takeout and watch viewer discretion advised television

Dressing up with shiny bits and baubles on for my hike so a murder of crows pick me up and carry me home with them

Everyone has that one friend who calls you and the rest the old gang up for one last score.

my grandma has a tuna casserole recipe that’s so complicated it requires a car ride to a second grandma’s house.

You guys go on and keep reaching for the stars. I’ll just stay here and have an egg.

Beef Sausage Mustard Courage Dream Continued Efforts #GoDodgers

Magnolias are an ancient species of tree pollinated by beetles because they evolved prior to bees. What are you even doing with your life, you piece of shit.

My cursed item knows just what to whisper to me.

Why just play on words when you can party on them?

ever since i was a little kid i always knew i did not want to become an adult no thank you why is this happening

You can always taste the fez. 🙁

I helicopter my arms with an affable, yet determined look on my face. My frenzied locomotion creates a makeshift barrier between myself and the “others.” Not you guys, other “others.”

This coffee tastes like three scoops of Folgers in a trench coat and fez, dude

Fundraiser? More like nofunbringerdowner.

Children these days know nothing of the Krylon Touch™️

it's not underwear it's a tank bottom

please, sir. my boys, they're back in town

At the punk show clapping politely and hoping no one spills my $10 beer

I've been waiting for the cows to come home my whole life

like if Natalie Merchant's voice has ever made you cry, repost if you would die for her

Help, a group of skateboard punks are walking close behind me giving me a "flat tire" every block.

(pointing) (laughing)

Me: Ow, my back is sore. My 95yo mother recovering from cancer & a stroke: How old are you? Me: 58 Mother: You got no business being "sore" I just got pwned by.... my mom?

How would I like to receive my one-time code? Man I'd like to be in a fucking glade on a temperate spring day

$2.75/linear foot!

Gary from Goodrich Lumber has put me on hold while he looks up the price of drop-siding and the light of a happy eye. “They’re both pretty rare,” he cautioned.

Sockeye salmon implies the existence of punchnose salmon.

We aren't eating as many Frito Boats as we should be.

I hate when my brain has too many tabs open

Friday, Friday, go buy some wine for later, on your break, yay!

Chicken liver AND kippers? You spoil us. ☺️

Chicken liver omelet with kippers & toast, anyone?

Coleslaw calzone, is this a thing yet