[starts Iditarod with 16 dogs] [crosses finish line with only 2 dogs] Me: I was only able to eat 14 dogs, did I win?

Life isn't some movie. No sewer clown is coming to save the day.

might make eating McRibs my entire personality

Adam Driver implies the existence of Eve Firmware.

If you didn't like that one, don't worry, there will be another one to like even less after that

I want to be an assassin for hire but I also want to work from home, dilemma

I love how my childhood is referred to as "free range" and I was "feral" because it sounds a lot more punk rock than I actually am.

I wonder if Burt Reynolds called it his burthole.

My sister got me the greatest birthday present ever!

one time my wife came home from the store with a head of iceberg lettuce. i held it in my hands, staring at it, wondering what on earth i was going to do with this curse of nature. so, i smiled & slowly shook my head for about 11 minutes until i went completely mad.

Have we learned nothing?? Yes. The answer is always yes.

Is your laugh even rumbling, bro?

Sorry I yelled “FINISH HIM” at your son’s circumcision

My comedy partner writes the punchlines and I take care of the set-ups. We're like a regular whoever and whatsisface.

Pulled a muscle on the exercise bike and dropped all three of my hot dogs

girl with the dragon kazoo

I come from a long line of people who file extensions every April 15. (Fiddler on the Roof voice) Tradition!

As a life coach, the thing I tell my clients over and over: you’re not getting your money back.

Don't spend money on insulation. Fill your attic with styrofoam packing peanuts. They're 30¢ per cubic foot. Follow me for more DIY hacks.

honey, have you seen my dinner sword

Before The Flood (1974) is a live album that’s prototype for the rest of Dylan’s career. The songs are fixed, but the arrangements are up for renegotiation. The Band hits like a freight train and Dylan shows up like the guy who built the tracks. They prove the original is only the first draft.

This movie got 3.6 stars on google play and 25% on rotten tomatoes. How can I not rent this?

Newports: Fraught With Pleasure

Helvetica would make a lovely name for a girl

welcome to Hot Dog World. do you want a sharp or blunt hot dog

Thinking about putting a drop of blood on the ominous glowing orb

[lips directly on mic] Salads should be served in a bowl and not on a plate

Back then, life was cheap and toys were scarce. Before the Slinky, a favored tot might shuffle off a lower regarded sibling’s mortal coil for amusement. Mama and Papa could make more.

Orange sherbet is like a lil' scoop of good times.

Never look a microwave breakfast burrito in the eye.

Pronouncing "lettuce" so it rhymes with "watusi"

Kids today don’t know about Orson Welles as Falstaff and it shows

And I to Algonquia.

One day I hope to save enough money to travel to Helvetica.

a clear toaster so you can see how toast the toast is

Wellsir, the street sweepers have returned, or as I like to call them – road zambonis

Setbacks may be larger than they appear

you trip on your infinity scarf & fall into a wormhole that sends you back in time to the set of the tonight show where burt reynolds, charles nelson reilly, shelly winters, dr. joyce brothers & johnny carson are all sitting in silence as you describe 9/11 in stunning detail.

I'm just here to eat tiny coffee milkshakes and make eyes at your grandpa in the therapy pool.

I was a different person when I bought those ready-mix salad packs at the store the other day. I'm not that person now. -a memoir

This is the kind of fight that will go the mattresses.

[mattress store] Me: So if the're called a "twin" why aren't they sold in pairs? You can't call a single bed a twin, right? What am I missing here? What? No I don't need a bed, I just want you to admit it's wrong. Wait, who are you calling?

They should make sparkling Pepto

That's not the music of the ice cream truck you hear approaching. It's the Lobotomobile, but if you're lucky they'll give you an ice cream cone after.

I miss Evel Knievel. He would just jump over some shit and fix all this.

The Dalai Lama is weak on wage theft!

Gonna tell my grandkids this was the cast of Welcome Back, Kotter

haha, you’re right, time does fly by. i remember right after college i was an eager & idealistic person ready to take on the world & the next thing i knew life had completely drained me of my ambition by using a never-ending series of failures, fiascos & miscarriages of justice.

Built in 1965, the John Ferraro (DWP) Building is one of those LA buildings that still excites my imagination (and director Nolan's in "Inception"). Its floating fountains & cantilevered floors look different by the hour, from an era when DTLA civic projects could still inspire.

[waiting for the barista to say my name for the second before removing an earbud] sorry I couldn’t hear you over my book that takes place in the 1300’s