These are my sons, Haulfrun and Chegwidden.

You can't just plop a puff pastry on top of thick chicken soup and call it a pot pie

[Tiny Elvis voice] Hot damn, that's a big ol' plam tree. I'm just saying.

(gazes at horizon) (sighs) I wonder what a Pizzly bear's favorite gravy is.

When I see something is Heavy Duty, I know that's the product for me

PSA: When the weather gets cold, people often forget about hydration. Remember, you should be drinking at least three glasses of gravy a day.

Smart, but not enough to stop putting lotion on my hands and then trying leave the room right away. The doorknob won't turn! Stuck forever.

I was involved in a single shenanigus this morning

Come at me, bro

The plural of shenanigan should be shenanigi

Siri, how much vodka sauce would one need to consume in order to get a buzz? I'm joking, I would never buy an iPhone

One time I called whale sounds 'Depth Metal' and now I'm banned from every meditation group in my town.

They were selling heavily discounted frozen pizzas at the grocery store and I grabbed so many in my arms that an employee saw me and was momentarily alarmed until a look of sadness crossed her face

scrolling back on your media tab so far that I see your sonogram

If someone threw a sandwich at me I’d catch it in my mouth and swallow it whole, like a cartoon dog. Skill issue.

When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk ten miles through it to get to school.

Remembering the day I got to the office, spilled an entire coffee on my desk, laptop, chair, and the front of my pants and immediately packed back up and went the hell home

GIRLFRIEND: I'm sorry but I need to break up with you. ME: Is it because I do a pterodactyl screech every time I see a baby? HER: Yes. Yes it is.

I kiss my biceps after each skeet

They should have made and Elvis movie where he was a singing Tarzan.

Had a dream that I was floating down a river of gravy in a giant bread bowl & using giant turkey leg as an oar. Wonder what that means?

Braunschweiger breakfast burrito, anyone?

Tonight on The Golden Bachelor: No one will accept Herman’s final rose, so he wanders the halls of the mansion morosely, gripping the withered petals. The remaining women charter a jet to Fiji.

the lunar beave looks so plump tn

The neighbors can’t believe how much yard work I’ve got done today. The HOA is talking about a drug test.

Super Beaver Moon, I presume?

Don't yelp me, bro.

Bought a present for myself, can’t wait to open it!

The best biscuits: 1. n' gravy 2. cheddar 3. buttermilk 4. rubber

Sorry I'm late, I have problems

sometimes i’ll say something like, “i like bread,” & then my cultured friend would say, “i like drinking lime rickeys on my houseboat in victoria harbour whilst listening to a japanese import of a rare acid jazz remake of scarborough fair,” & then i’m all, like, “i like bread.”

I approach my bowl of spaghetti from below, employing a bubble-net feeding technique I learned from the humpbacks

Full moon tonight, may give lycanthropy another go. Wish me luck. 🤞

My engagement farm has produced very few marriages

Giblet Gravy Boutros-Ghali

I’ll put sunblock on every one of you, I swear to fucking god

"For a seasonal touch, hollow out small pumpkins to make decorative gravy boats" I say in a Martha Stewart voice to an empty house.

They actually tried giving him 6 additional hearts but each was torn apart by the event horizon.

Currently getting to witness the young goth at work slowly shed his macabre downy feathers to emerge as a fully-formed norm. What do you mean call you Jeremy, I thought your name was Onyx? Nature is brutal.

Bobbing my way to Fiji in an empty industrial size mayonnaise jar like a trailer park I Dream of Jeannie.

shout out to the molecules that identify as you

black forest ham, dark fortress chicken, cursed talisman turkey

I don’t remember buying a petard, but the paperwork seems legit

Mine eyes smell onions, I shall weep anon.

If you are attacked by a bear you should have left that bear alone. I can't help you now.

(sobbing because I smell mustard and onions)

R.I.P.