Wtf would we do without beer

Academy Museum's screening every Kurosawa movie this spring 🚨

Going to sleep. NOBODY TOUCH THE RED BUTTON.

Hang in there, it gets worse.

Drinking game: drink every time attachment causes suffering.

I don’t know, man, I’m just trying to vibe and eat a nutritious variety of vegetables

Got my HAVE YOU TEXTED THESE PEOPLE welcome mat.

The King is mad

Blake Griffin is enjoying himself a little too much on those Wayfair commercials.

Sandwiches are great, you should try one.

Beautiful Pasadena City Hall* *⁽ᵃˡˢᵒ ᵏⁿᵒʷⁿ ᵃˢ ᴾᵃʷⁿᵉᵉ ᶜᶦᵗʸ ᴴᵃˡˡ ᶠʳᵒᵐ ᵗʰᵉ ˢʰᵒʷ ᴾᵃʳᵏˢ ᵃⁿᵈ ᴿᵉᶜ⁾

For a number of years as a kid my mom thought I loved Taz and bought me Taz shirts. I thought Taz was okay, but did not love him. But I loved my mom, so I wore the shirts.

OPERATION SHARKNADO

Just typed existential decay when I meant exponential decay but honestly

apple names calm the fuck down

Precaffeinated words slapping like a semi-limp noodle

I was betrayed by pizza

All my friends, and I cannot stress this enough, know the low rider.

There's a dead genie at the bottom of this wine. Someone stuck her in the wrong bottle and drowned all the wishes.

Most people don't know Santa also keeps a place in Antarctica. He's bipolar.

These are my sons, Cengus and Foth.

A friend just told me that she broke a tooth on a bagel. Unacceptable. Bagels are supposed to be our friends.

MY SCREEN BUTLER: What will it be tonight, sir? ME: I think I’d like my evening phone, please. MY SCREEN BUTLER: Excellent choice, sir [takes my current phone out of my hand, wipes it lightly, and places it back into my hand]

[extreme Canadian accent] Smoked meat

The thing you have to understand about the 80s is that the Harlem Globetrotters could show up in anything at any time and nobody would bat an eye.

I had to turn on the AC today. In February. This is bullshit.

There are a lot of people I think we should throw sandwiches at

Bartender, six vodka rocks and two ibuprofen, please.

Just want to scuttle about in a seaside bramble, is that so much to ask.

Like Clearman’s Northwoods Inn on Rosemead?

bigfoot would be a great name for a clown

Our adult son struggles with an insidious cocktail of OCD, ADHD, depression, and god knows what other neurodivergent thing. It’s not what people crack wise about. It’s real, it’s horrible, and it robs him of so many things we take for granted. Parents and loved ones, please know you are not alone.

Bring back restaurants with floors covered in sawdust.

The ultimate businessman carries a briefcase full of rhinoceros turds. His LinkedIn page is just a picture of a dead rat. He lives in an abandoned warehouse in a wooden crate. He is married to a plastic fork.

hüsker dü or hüsker dü not, there is no hüsker try

With this turtleneck and a Herbie Hancock song in my heart, I’ll always be one step ahead of the law

Are my underwear backwards dot com

"I'm a pretty quick study" - Me, a man celebrating 43 years of squirting a little mustard water on his bread

No, you can't borrow one of the many hair ties on my wrist. They're part of my body now.

I don't know about you but I make anxious Curly sounds when I read the news

Happy 14th Anniversary to one of the greatest moments in sports history

If you're done believing in that, can I have it?

Who up contemplating impermanence

Imagine two cows having sex. Now imagine them wearing tiny hats. What's wrong with you?

ME: time to sleep BRAIN: what if you were in a bathroom stall and a giraffe walked in

Which one of you bastards keeps making shitty music popular?

I would love to serve my guests Pepsi Prune.

New soda flavors for 2026: Coke Wakeboard Zero 7UP Lagoon Lite Dr. Pepper Shandy Fanta Orange+ Mountain Dew Code Frostbite Pepsi Prune

I like all sorts of things on pizza: anchovies, pineapple, truffles, hardboiled egg slices, fish heads, you name it.

Bartender, a Harvey Wallbanger and the crab rangoon, please.