yeoman is a neat word. it should refer to more things

this meeting could have been a sudden and painless vaporization due to an unexpected meteorite strike

ate a hard boiled egg too fast just to feel something

I’m not sure why I’m getting such a kick out of this, but on my walk this morning, my foot slid on something laying on the sidewalk. Looking down, angry and expecting to see a pile of dog crap, I found, much to my delight, that for the first time in my life, I’d actually slipped on a banana peel.

to the tune of gummi bears cartoon fozzie beaaaar punning here and there and everywhere waka waka curing all despair he is just fozzie bear!

[first day as a botany professor] Me: who knows why plants release pollen in the spring? Student: to reproduce? Me: wrong. It's to torture me specifically

discord: please verify your age me: *lets out a sigh that seems to crawl out of my lungs rather than be exhaled, dense with fatigue, disappointment, so profoundly Gen X it practically hums with the ghosts of mixtapes, dial-up modems, and being told to “just deal with it”* discord: age verified

small accounts are more unhinged because we have less to lose

just wondering what elephants would look like if they moisturized, no big deal

you know what else is soft on crime? gravy.

Human snores: Disgusting, an abomination, force that person to sleep outside Cat snores: OMG THE CUTEST THING EVER

caffeine is perfect when you're having trouble concentrating and would rather be having trouble concentrating while vibrating

let’s go on a date, I’ll meet you by the sewer and I’ll be the one with the red balloon

I would like to upgrade my gravy boat to a gravy warship.

I want to be a cicada so people will be like, “well, yeah, he’s supposed to scream like that.”

A pelican implies the existence of a pelican't. It's me, I'm the pelican't.

Alienating people by trying to be relatable

Whenever a woman flirts with me, my bowtie spins uncontrollably

911 is too hard to remember. we should change it to something easier (867-5309)

Tone down the inspirational messages will ya, my disposition simply can’t tolerate it.

step aside hot girl summer

WHY DON'T RECEPTIONISTS ANSWER PHONES ANYMORE????? arrrghhhHHHHHHH I FEEL SO OLD AND STUPID THIS ISN'T MEANT TO BE HOW THINGS WORK HOW THE HELL CAN YOU MAKE AN APPOINTENT IF NOBODY ANSWERS THE GOD DAMNED PHONES???

CHEESE NAMING CHAIRPERSON: So we need a name for this cheese from Switzerland with the holes in it GARY: How about just Swiss cheese CP: Makes sense ME: *crumpling my note that says 'Milk crocolate'* Fuck you Gary

an epipen filled with emergency gravy

[petting two cats] I’m so good at petting two cats at once with my two arms [a third cat approaches] fuck

Arkansas is how pirates say Kansas.

Love yourself, but don’t do it in public.

You may say I’m a nihilist but I’m not the only one.

This skeet may contain nuts, flashing images, mild swearing, graphic violence, and scenes of a sexual nature.

Too many notifications, not enough yestifications.

Eating 2x2 Lego bricks by the handful to show those cube shitting wombats how. it’s. fucking. done.

one thing about me is you’re annoying

I feel much better after going for a 4 mile run this morning, although for a spell I thought the security guard was never going to give up the chase.

If mistakes were truly opportunities for growth I would be 2 miles tall by now.

that’s fine. you can talk to me but I have a long list of things I need to eat rn.

My friend married a man who doesn't like garlic. That there's a deal breaker if ever there was one.

the enemy of my enemy is.... the pope? wait that can't be right.

i could kill you with two fingers assuming you're not fighting back in any way

Goldfish 1: knock knock Goldfish 2: who's there Goldfish 1: who's where Goldfish 2: what

My butthole is the original poopgate

I made a genuine, albeit somewhat clumsy attempt at interpersonal connection. Please respond.

I would say I was a trophy husband, but more of a participation trophy than a winner's one

You won't weird me out but you might weird me in

speaker: but that's the fifteenth time you've ordered bacon today me: when i want feedback from a replicator i will ask for it. BACON.

Dance like nobody's watching until your wife tells you you look like a fool and should stop

Me: I want someone to want me Me (after a few months on dating apps): I was not specific enough

fyi, monday's not real. it can't hurt us

I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, Charlie Brown

The worst thing about being old enough to be wise, is the unfixable truth that nobody will listen to you if you try to tell them