I heard the gynecologist asked your mom to scoot back UP the bed

We wouldn’t be here if you had just kept writing in cursive

I’m such a very anxious silly goose. For all of the reasons and no reason at all

thinking of changing my display name but scared i will forget whose account this is

The most aggressive of all pit bull breeds is the Mosh Pit.

When I'm asked to name two people who've had the most impact on my life, I say without a doubt hashbrowns and gravy.

no way i’m falling for this a third time

Stoners in the mid west have hi hOpes

to all the nitpickers, don't they taste weird?

The difference between marmite and vegemite? The vegemite hangs from the 𝘵𝘰𝘱 of the cave.

You know the old saying: Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater. Throw them out separately so you don’t clog your drain with the baby.

Ever since the discovery of the Higgs Boson, physicists have been waiting for the Godot particle

How many digits I recite pi to will tell you how good the sex was

Yeah yeah, Higgs boson Wake me up when they find the Godzilla particle

Nothing feels better than holding you naked, I whisper to my phone

Getting to work first means you get the cleanest toilet of the day

Dear God, Why is there pee after I finish peeing? Signed, My pants

Gonna start sitting until the second pee comes out

fuck nudes, tell me how long you've made an AI think with a single question

I can be your Dutch friend with benefits, but the benefits are cheese and clogs

[date night] wife: i thought you were going to wear that cologne i like. and what is on your feet? me: i thought you said that clog you like

I really thought I was gonna have to stop, drop and roll more in my life.

I don’t care, I’m wearing a bikini until I’m in my 90s and everyone will just have to suffer.

Sometimes people make your soul happy no matter how long you’ve known them. Treasure those people.

I like to start my day by screaming while hitting my head on my steering wheel before walking into my office with a smile.

My bank flagged my debit card for fraud because I spent $46 at the liquor store. Like omg assholes, sometimes I’m fun.

My ex is from Texas and trust me, not everything is bigger.

People who block over a bikini pic probably wear turtlenecks to the beach.

Me: Hey babe there’s a clog in the toilet! Him: if I walk in there and you’ve put one of my clogs in the toilet, I’m filing for divorce Me: …nevermind I fixed it

some people might say i was a proctologist. I like to call myself a fundamental scientist

I bet a dominatrix lawyer only eats sub-penne at the Olive Garden

On a first date, I'm more of a Hamburger Helper girl. On a second date, I'll eat leftovers. The third date is only by subpoena.

She wore them acid-wash jeans Sensible clogs with the fur The whole Sam’s Club was looking at her

i once made a lobster and stinging nettle pizza. it's not funny but it's definitely weird

Wife: what the HELL are those on your feet? Me: well the good news is the downstairs toilet is working now...

American politics is basically just people voting to decide whether we want our oppression to be systemic or blatant

life hack: avoid the hassle of packing lunches for work by keeping a perpetual stew in a crock pot in the lunchroom

Idk, the Bermuda Triangle sounds pretty relaxing right now

people think acting is glamorous, and it is! for example, i am about to get nine dollars in the mail

theyre called the yankees because they like to yankeeach other's penises

goodnight light, goodnight moon, goodnight smoke alarm that will beep again soon

Feeling fragile? It's because you ARE. you're a bag of meat and bones controlled by chaotic electrical and chemical impulses we utterly fail to understand. It's a miracle you can even stand up. did that help?

Roses are red, Sex can be mellow OR you could be

If there's one thing that will cause you to forget how your arms work, fail to understand how to blink and trip over on a flat floor, it's the words "just act natural"

if my baby comes out weird looking i'm sticking him back in to cook longer

I’m like if a pop-up ad was a person

Describe yourself in the form of a portmanteau: Awksome

clambucha

making my kids wear corduroy pants so they can’t sneak up on me

it is amazing how relaxing it is for me to take a bath while being so stressful for security at ikea