starting to have second thoughts about the contractors i found on craigslist

Meowie Antoinette

I just bought a slightly used Delorian It was only driven from time to time

Made a ham sandwich and forgot to eat it. (Hamnesia) Made a PBJ and forgot to eat it. (Jamnesia) Made some chowder and forgot to eat it. (Clamnesia)

Good morning to everyone except those who can't whistle but nevertheless keep trying

I’m on this really nice diet called eat spaghetti before bed

Somebody has been leaving post-it notes around my apartment reminding me to replace the batteries on my carbon monoxide detector

My desire to be well liked is at odds with my desire to be left the hell alone

My favourite part of genx culture is the lolol

A bento box with chicken strips in every section

The root form of "evening" is even, and I can't even

I’m eating ice cream instead of dinner. So straight to bed after this as my punishment.

Looks like it’s going to be a beautiful day to make somebody miserable.

Possibly the most frightening talent of the brown bear is an uncanny ability to blend seamlessly into the environment in an almost chameleon-like manner, allowing them to easily surprise their unsuspecting prey.

imma have to order a sandwich about this

Flight attendant: welcome to business class Me: thank you Flight attendant: time for a pop quiz Me: oh shit

The Lady of the Lake emerged to give me what all others had longed for, but she refused them. The largest wheel of cheese I’d ever seen.

I'm both British and Canadian so i say sorry but i'm quietly resentful about it

we should be able to trade in our feelings. like, feeling sad? here! have some horny!

Whenever someone asks for my advice, I always end it with “idk though” so they can’t blame me if it ends bad

A glory hole, but for light touches on the back and arm. And blow jobs.

You can't fool me I'm not paying attention.

thinking about breadcrumbs in case i get lost in my thoughts

Midway across the river the duckling stings the pizza, dooming them both. When asked why, the duckling points out that this is its nature.

I dunno but I think a bologna and cheese sandwich with crushed doritos on it might fix a few of us

I've never met anyone like you before (derogatory)

Any vegetable can make you cry if you’re sad enough. Don’t let onions take all the credit.

The everything bagel must feel overwhelmed by the weight of impossible expectations.

Your Honor, may I approach the bench? *boops their nose* I rest my case.

the flesh is weak. the mind is weak. the heart, also weak

Good morning and carp a DM

inside of you there are two wolves. One of them wants to make another "two wolves" joke... the other one probably has an opinion too but i didn't listen

I wonder if Smurfette was, like, super into gangbangs.

me: I dance to the beat of my own drum librarian: stop it

it's amazing how often my best ideas coincide with the least amount of work for me to do

I was social on social media for one day, and I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to recover...

Never mud-fight a pig. You get dirty, and they fucking enjoy it.

Humble people really pump my nads.

You guys are way more self-deprecating than I could ever be.

Of course I dabble in witchcraft, I can fold a fitted sheet.

doctor: you have synesthesia me: I see what you’re saying doctor: yes I know, you can stop telling me that

me: nailed it wife: had to be nailing SOMETHING orchestra: sad trombone noises

God: *creating Eve from Adam's rib* Adam: That's a weird way to make people God: Lol wait till you see how she does it

sir this isn’t a wendy’s but still, i don’t want to hear that shit

my last words will probably be “who’s a good boy?!” right before being shot by one of those robot dogs

Her: You just don’t know when to quit, do you. Me: I’m sensing that now would be good.

asked ai how many turtles is safe to put up my butt and it gave me a dangerous answer

NEW EXAMPLE FOR FONT LESSON JUST DROPPED

have cave divers ever thought about just not doing that?

im currently in 3 thousand monogamous relationships