If someone likes every single one of your skeets but has their DMs closed that just means they're playing hard to get, right?

i have a farting range of eight octaves and i'm not afraid to use it

The extent of my musical genius is being smart enough not to try

I knew I was musical from a young age when my version of “𝘐 𝘚𝘦𝘦 𝘓𝘰𝘯𝘥𝘰𝘯, 𝘐 𝘚𝘦𝘦 𝘍𝘳𝘢𝘯𝘤𝘦” was voted best in the 2nd grade class at Donaldson Elementary.

We're all being very polite about the elephant in the room. The elephant appreciates this. It has terrible anxiety.

Me: I think we need to talk about the elephant in the room Elephant: wow rude I’m right here

Elephants hate when they’re in a room and forget why they even came in.

Really the problem with the elephant in the room isn't its size... It's more the fact that we invited an elephant in and then refused to make eye contact

ADHD people should start by saying "no" Autistic people should start by saying "yes" Normies should just be quiet

Life hack: Want to eat something but don't want to dirty up a plate? Use one that's already dirty!

We're cash poor but boursin rich

I promise to like all your posts if you promise not to post bad.

Trying to have a breakthrough moment by walking through the sliding glass door.

skynet would make a lovely name for a baby roomba

Good versus evil lacks nuance. Why not try “mediocre versus kinda mopey?”

Last one to the muppet orgy has to sweep up the fur.

Chamomile is the La Croix of tea

i regret to inform you (because i don’t want to talk to you) that i don't want to talk to you

ME: (doing standup) what's the deal with airplane food AUDIENCE: *crickets* [later] GRASSHOPPER: how was the show CRICKET: oh man that guy was hilarious

It’s always Good vs. Evil and never Good & Evil vs. Jake Paul

Intrusive Thought of the Day: (opens oven) 💭i could get in there if it was bigger

(removing the poop from the shrimp) I could be a surgeon

does laying in bed elongate your butt and other questions I ask Ai

Feels like an add more people to my notifs day. Hehe (rubs hands together)

welcome to my notifs to the 5 people I chose today. You will be seeing a lot of me from now on lol

dipping my chicken nuggies in ranch (I’m kind of like a cowboy)

Choosing a favourite muppet feels low-stakes until you realise you’re revealing your entire coping strategy

every generation believes it's fighting evil in reality they're usually fighting the decisions the previous generation made to combat the evils of their own time

2026 seems like a made up year. Year numbers don't even go that high and everyone knows they always start with 19

Alex Trebek: if you put an N on the end of this, it spells the common name for Earth's satellite Horse: Sheep: Cow: *frantically pounding the buzzer*

Chamomile tea doesn't calm me down at all, it makes me angry because TEA SHOULD HAVE A FLAVOUR

I love that the older I get, the more delighted I am to see a pet at a party… excluding the one time I saw a human pet. That time still haunts me

I’ve already broken my resolution for being nicer online

There is nothing wrong with having a steel folding chair as house furniture. Its mid century style meets functionality. I will die on this hill

I’m still chasing that high I felt when I first heard the iconic crackle of deep fried rice crackers being dropped into sizzling rice soup

I want to end a meeting one day by saying “I need vacate this area immediately” and then just casually and calmly walk out of the room

I may fuck a Twitter mutual but I will not kiss them on the mouth. That privilege is reserved for Bluesky mutuals

2026 is the year of the horse, which probably means it will see a rabbit and kick me to death in panic

Vegetarian Greek food restaurant called Don't Meat Your Gyros

First day back from holidays. I’m fully clothed and conscious. Someone promote me.

One day you’re young and wild, and then suddenly you catch yourself enjoying a reel of a guy on the beach finding stuff with a metal detector.

It’s OK for me to say stupid stuff, because I am stupid and it is my culture

First thing I'm gonna do if I win the lottery is lock myself in the bathroom. Second thing? You guessed it, locksmith.

Any man who wants to start a podcast should have to sit in front of a tribunal of women and plead their case

Everybody mocked me when I signed up for online karate classes but guess who's already almost finished downloading their e-belt?

Is there a way we could get all the gross, evil warlords around the world to kidnap each other?

In my experience there are three types of people 1. Autistic people 2. ADHD people 3. Boring people

Chamomile tea doesn't calm me down at all, it makes me angry because TEA SHOULD HAVE A FLAVOUR

In my experience there are three types of people 1. Autistic people 2. ADHD people 3. Boring people

How I drink water - fill up glass - drink water until glass is empty - place glass beside sink How my teenagers drink water - fill glass - add ice cubes until it overflows - drink between 10 and 50 percent of water - balance remainder precariously on furniture