*Open bsky* No notifications *Refresh* No notifications Don't believe you. *Refresh* Four notifications but I'm not showing them to you *REFRESH*

you can’t have your cake and eat it too that’s what I’m here for DUH to eat your cake for you

my house is not cluttered rather it has strategically placed items to keep cats off surfaces

Oh well there's your problem right there. You have one of those "nervous" systems, we gotta set you up with a chill system hold on one sec I gotta check the back

"I wish I could yell at everyone at the same time" - Inventor of the internet

no one will publish my dickensian erotica novel titled “a tale of two titties” and this is a clear case of cancel culture

"I wish this wall looked like me" - Inventor of the mirror

Alcohol may not solve all life’s problems but conducting an in-depth investigation just to be sure is a hill I’m prepared to die on.

a vending machine for venn diagrams but the middle slot is permanently jammed.

May I suggest you not be so fucking dumb

Life is like a vending machine. Sometimes you get what you paid for, sometimes you get an extra treat and sometimes you get completely fucked over. It's near impossible to get a refund so just try and enjoy it when it works out right.

[octopus mom when octopus child is misbehaving] i am going to count to EIGHT

Why would I wanna know what anyone thinks of me? Eeewww

the batteries stay out of the chirping smoke detector during sex

I should design a chess set with four queens and no kings

Working from home today * moving the mouse every few minutes so I look online

Wasting the weekend whilst trying to decide what to do for the weekend so that I don’t waste the weekend is my superpower.

Actually I only have one ticket to paradise.

Lawyer: Sends cease & decist Doctor: Sends cyst & decease

*yawning* [boss] oh are we keeping you up no this bored meeting is right on track

Jumping into void...Cannonballllllll.

Technically, every lamp in Pompeii is a lava lamp

If cats could drive, they would not give you a lift to the airport

You can always tell a werewolf in human form because they turn in circles before they sit on the toilet

A warforged bard that’s an otamatone

i tried to high five myself and fell for the down low too slow

a chocolate lab sounds like a real health and safety problem

Carvana CEO’s 1st day at a new job: What if instead of a sperm bank people could get DNA from a giant vending machine?

(genie climbing out of lamp in a hurry) the floor was lava!

if you can dream it you can schedule it for later

ikea snacks throughout the store you get from svending machines

Guy who invented gravy: we need a fucking boat

"I want my skeleton to be on the outside." You mean like an exoskeleton? "No, I mean like in nature."

If you break enough lava lamps, then yes. The floor is lava.

a lava lamp is great if you want something beautiful to happen in about 2 hours' time

"the customer is always irrelevant" - inventor of the vending machine

A film about vending machines, we can call it “Vend It Like Veckham”

jim davis took all of his pent up sexual fetishes and unleashed this monstrosity on the world. perhaps there is something worse than mondays

Connections Puzzle #988 🟩🟩🟩🟩 🟪🟪🟪🟪 🟨🟨🟨🟨 🟦🟦🟦🟦

Them: How do you make life more sensual? Me: You put licious after everything and smell nice

The smell of toast never gets old Tinnitus does though

if they’re hell bent on positing the usa as a christian nation then let’s flood congress and start from scratch

is that a turmeric in your pocket because you cayenne cumin curry me to heaven anytime

true turtle power is knowing you can withdraw into your shell at a moment's notice

turtle power: the new green energy!

For the fourth turtle they picked Raphael because Salvador would have just been armed with a sigh.

Pick a lane, turtle doves.

Turtle power seems like a really inefficient way to make electricity

moral standards have changed over the years. nowadays he'd be sinokay the sailor

I've decided to be more present with my family, which means I have to give up sleep or work or both