We just adopted a new member of the family. This is Wall-E (Wally for short) . A tiny orange cat, apparently very interested in hydrocarbons.

Chewy makes sure you get your money's worth when you order kittens. Look at this packing job.

In lieu of healthcare please enjoy another fly-over.

I think we did really reach the upper limits of meringue

They should make a Studio Ghibli movie about working at a Wendy's

How its gonna look when my girlfriend and I move in together.

me: hey buddy, did you have a good day today? 6yo: i know my rights, i don’t have to answer that. am i being detained? me: so you’ve been watching lawyer youtube, i see

There is zero reason to shoot fireworks in the afternoon. Stop it.

grilling up my infamous hot dog log cabin

may the fourth of july be with you

doing some quick reputation-saving research before posting a joke about “flushing, queens” and ending up four hours later on the wikipedia page for the geological formation of fire island

If the good Lord doesn’t want me to eat myself sick on cherries He shouldn’t have made them so goddamn tasty

Feeding America on Taylor swift and Travis Kelce's donation to the charity: "This support builds on Taylor’s ongoing commitment to neighbors across the country and brings us all closer to a future where everyone has the food they need to thrive."

Travis Kelce is having a day like a golden retriever that’s getting put down tomorrow

America keeps trying to get me to go to her birthday party and I’m like no girl u need to go to the hospital

the kelce bros tearfully disassembling their bunk bed

"The fair is an all-day, rain-or-shine event." So far they have canceled for both rain, and (too much) shine.

I just found out that I got approved for a ground beef loan, so it looks like the July 4 cookout will be on this year after all.

If I didn’t have a.d.d. I wouldn’t have no d at all

My daily reminder to folks who don’t know… members of Congress have what is called a “Death Gratuity” benefit. IF they are STILL in office when they die, their beneficiary receives a full year salary. This needs to change. $175k is a good incentive not to resign.

Your order is important to us. We've branded the details onto the backs of our eyelids so we will never forget them. We will fill this one final order and then we will cease operations. Your name and address will be the last things on our lips before we die. Goodbye my friend, The Customer. Goodbye.

*changing into my third costume to get more pizza out of the break room*

I've killed so many flies today I think it's changed me as a person

Canoeing on Lake Louise 🛶 (Banff National Park, Alberta, Canada) #lakelouise #banffnationalpark #canada #travel #landscapephotography

Please tell us more about "damaging national treasures"....

VERY disappointed the Empire State Building climbers were not Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce.

wut?

Cop: have you been drinking? Me: i mean yea, im at the beach Cop: right on, right on

Not a great economy alert! Wall Street Bets users think Palantir spiked today because The Onion story titled “Palantir Acquires Pentagon for $800 Billion” hit their front page. They’re guessing trading bots indexed the top post on the subreddit reddit not understanding source.

It's just too easy to laugh at ChatGPT. The jokes write themselves.

Just to reassure Texans, I went to a church primary school where we had to read the Bible every day. There’s no better way to create a generation of atheists.

The guys who use Facebook messenger for top-secret correspondence

The whole fucking country has depression, Tom. We still have to show up to work.

So he's gonna advocate for all people with depression to get four months off for rehabilitation, right? And he's gonna tell RFK jr to fuck off with his quest to limit the medication that Kean is very clearly taking to be functional?

This country was one person's vote away this morning from putting any birthright citizen in danger of being deported tomorrow. We are so much closer to the abyss than we think. Man oh man.

Just learned that movers can cancel two hours before a job! How fun! What an adventure!

The court overturned a 90-year-old precedent that previously shielded members of independent boards from political interference

Cop: any drugs in the car? Me: not yet

cats after you just fed them 1 hour ago:

Judging purely by its name, the food and drug administration would be an kickass place to work

If Mitch McConnell and his family want privacy, he should resign. Otherwise, he needs to reveal his condition and advise of his ability to do his job.

I don’t really know how you can have a functioning government if everyone in it can be fired by the Mad King

We were going to adopt a kitten from a neighborhood litter. In the end we adopted two. I'm so SO glad we kept them together. It's making the re-homing go as well as it could!

I got a cheapo elliptical and it's good but we have to do something about these brand names. Don't make me say "I'm gonna hit the pooboo" or "It's pooboo time." Even now, I'm pooboo posting

If I die before I wake Set a reminder To wake and bake

I’m grateful that I have known hunger, poverty and loneliness in my 74 years. I will always remember living on instant mashed potatoes. I added mustard for flavoring. It’s made me a better human being, more empathetic to the needs of my brothers and sisters. We’re all in this together. Fuck greed!

I have never been to a Chuck E. Cheese so I got some Totino’s pizza and put a Gwar cassette in a Teddy Ruxbin