when it is 12:09 am, you have Only two options

they are doing what ? they are doing what

Squirrels honestly sound like Donald Duck

The Liquid Glass Apple thing is exactly like what’s happening with everything everywhere. It’s like look at this. Don’t you love it? And I’m like no I’m more annoyed. And it’s like would you like me to help you rewrite that? And I break my phone in half

sometimes I get REAL fuckin’ pissed off and do something insane like unsubscribe from email updates from a store I bought something from 1 time

I don’t know how to take care of my feet they’re simply too far away

Update my app? What are you talking about? I don’t even know what you’re talking about. Are you saying something needs to change

Sometimes we need to hear what we don’t wanna hear

Bigfoot is just one guy. It’s just him and that’s it. There aren’t any other bigfeet, it’s just the one guy

It’s felt like 10 pm all day and now it feels like outside of time. Like it’s never been this late

me on a date

guy in the elevator: happy Halloween me: thank you.

ai thing: would you like me to rewrite that for you? me: would i like you to erase my personality and perspective? No im good thank you bitch

It’s upsetting that Christmas arrives before it’s Halloween’s big day. That’s some mean girl shit

Jack Skellington trying to figure out Christmas but it’s me simply waking up in the morning

new opinion just dropped

I black out when I see too many numbers at once. I’m just being honest, I can’t see more than 12 numbers at once. Ok? Sorry

I can’t figure out how to do my Halloween costume because when I look up “building Halloween costume” it’s either kids with cardboard on them or adults dressed as sexy construction workers. This is a real problem ok

People wearing hats need to stop looking down to text and walk because from far away i think your hat is your head and it scares me

when my internet goes out for 4 hours I can suddenly see through time itself but unfortunately the only thing I can do about it is watch a dvd from 1999

every chocolate store owes me a free sample by law

(sitting down to speak with the manager of being alive) i’m not going to remember a password. i’m just not going to do it, is that clear?

Lately I’ve been asking my dog where she got her tiny little legs and if she got them on sale

are you one of doctor oz’s “under-babied”? you’re not alone…….. seedandspark.com/fund/girlie

Help tara make this film please! It’s very good. I’m going to be in it, by the way. That’s right, it’s my Hollywood debut. This is about me now. Thank you please donate here: seedandspark.com/fund/girlie

Have I seen it all? Well I never seen a guy walk down the street drinking out of a coffee cup but there’s soup in there so I guess I Fucking haven’t, man

When Jack Skellington tries to figure out Christmas like it’s a riddle I’m like ok bro can you do Tuesday next. Can you figure out what Tuesday means

not a doctor, but I have another film opinion

Getting born is one of the bravest things you can do

When I am outdoors before eating my daily English muffin, my confidence is too high

When you overhear someone else get told “happy birthday" on your birthday, it is disorienting for an embarassing amount of seconds

No matter what I am doing in the kitchen every time I look at my dog she is closer and closer like a creature in a horror movie

a day in the life video of me would honestly be interesting to see, for only me. I would love to see what i do every day. because frankly i have no idea

(Anyone says anything to me about millennials) me: All I’ve known is ads my whole life and I dream of catastrophic earthquakes happening at the mall multiple nights of the week

hey dude me and the hamburger helper glove rented a sleigh and are hitting up the roofs of every spirit halloween in the city later tonight, you free around 1:45am?

I’ve never seen anything like this in my whole life

The Aflac Duck was a bully to me in 7th grade. He gaslit me actually. And allllll of you love him. So where does that leave me, hm

Everything you buy during the week before your birthday is just a present and should be a tax write off

tRy OuR nEw AI fEaTuReS lmao no thank you! no thank you, you unbelievable fucking loser lmao. no thank you hahaha

intrusive thought won’t go away of a rattlesnake wearing bells on its rattle and trying to trick me into thinking it’s Santa Claus

I’m going to reply to every single email I ever receive with just this suggested reply

Right. No that’s true thank you

Last night I had a dream I saw an ad for a film simply called “A Billy Zane Movie” and I was upset I didn’t think of it. But turns out I did so no one do this before me please. I’m going to do it. Don’t take my idea

Oh wow this seems big, I wonder what email has to say about what’s going on with my email address

Every several years an intrusive thought shows up at my brain’s doorstep with a briefcase containing materials for a 40 minute presentation on why it thinks I should’ve been a freelance detective and why it’s not too late

Bullying my dad’s new microwave when it sings its little song when it’s done. Like oh look at you, aren’t you a sweet little sparrow, is that your tune? well it sucks

Bro get online the peacemaker season 2 episode 7 Reddit mega thread is popping off and everyone’s being super fucking insightful

Cop just drove by with a labubu attached to his motorcycle which made about as much sense to my brain as if he had done so with a motorcycle attached to his labubu

Bro get online the peacemaker season 2 episode 7 Reddit mega thread is popping off and everyone’s being super fucking insightful

“shop fall treats”? well bitch i’d Fucking love to do that