Xena: Lawyer Princess

i would like to go big and go home

oh no am i the repost man

they should invent a tamale printer

My feed right now

15 likes and I'll rob this dispensary

everyone living around light pollution and clouds right now:

I for one welcome our new multicolor overlords

ancient humans making animal species extinct by winging atlatl darts at them from range is so much cooler than modern humans making animal species extinct by building data centers. washed species

i don’t need the northern lights. i can just stare at the sun any time. way better

This meeting could have been an ominous portent viewed by a skilled haruspex.

Remember when Ozzy had to testify in a wrongful death suit against him because he once sang a song about suicide?

Getting a lot of these sorts of comments lately, must be hard to navigate the world when you’re allergic to fun

for some reason, i don’t believe them

please do not put in the newspaper that i pepper spray children

It is time to log on

Beheading? Me? I think I'll be heading out now.

ah didn’t see you there. i’m too busy being Incredibly Long

"Be a good girl for Daddy"

AVAILABLE FOR PURCHASE ON MY WEBSITE OR WHATEVER I DONT EVEN CARE DEEPLY AT ALL

LETS GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

In all fairness the psychics told me that she would absolutely bomb that shit and they were spot on

Money's not important, career's not important, committing to the bit is important

they should make a court where i can argue for the stupidest stuff possible. putting presidential butt portraits on the coins. mailboxes should scream when you open them. Libertarianism.

Me, as a therapist: break up with him

You're at The Mountain I need you at Goats

You're at Bowling I need you For Soup

Good morning lesson learners!

this is an actual human being who lives on the same planet as we do

My pronouns are him. He/him.

Repost with a fictional band

The method of my madness is skill and lots of coffee.

Doing random errands on the weekend: what a fucking waste of time Doing random errands on a PTO weekday: what a glorious change of pace

could a depressed person do this? *polishes teeth with a q tip*

Plz check if voted info.kingcounty.gov/kcelections/...

👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏

logging off

*draws chalk outline around my credit score*

a nightclub for millennials where we can dance. doors open at 7pm. lights out by 11pm.

I'm here for moron support. It's like moral support except I'm a dumbass

Wait, don't go. I can fuck it up more

i see your passive aggressiveness and raise you a mute

i didnt drop it like its hot i dropped it because im clumsy

Oooo I’m Death. I'm a mean skeleton with a fancy sword. Fuck off, bone boy

I crave endless attention and total isolation at the same time.

Help mom I’m being bullied by 87 year old novella writer Joyce Carol Oates again can you pick me up

Every time someone’s like “put that in the louvre,” my head now goes “and then steal it from the louvre, the security password is louvre”