i'm trying to learn how to tie a noose but i just can't quite get the hang of it

They call me the gangster of love. Ok fine, no-one’s ever called me that.

hey has anyone considered just fucking doing it already

I thought I was full of emotions but it's just ghosts

I put the fun in "there's something wrong with her"

who let the updogs out

my posts can only be liked by those who are pure of heart and have good intentions, which explains a lot tbh

When the fucking day couldn't be over soon enough.

All of my posts are about you

be careful bc the ass you save today will shit on you tomorrow

[cooking my nuggets in the air fryer] *whispers to self* flowtisserie chicken

Echo by Halfway Crooks German-style Doppelbock - 7.3% ABV Atlanta, GA

Radian by Halfway Crooks Beer German-style Pils - 4.8% ABV Atlanta, GA

me: no kings? what about Yes Queens! executioner: ok

Are you feeling sad? Write a poem about it. Prose before woes ✊

i reserve sunday nights for my most productive panic attacks.

Nachos. They're not just for breakfast anymore.

Good one in NYC.

Not to brag but my tires are inflated to the exact correct pressure.

I’m not lazy. I’m just having an energy crisis.

I wish pets didn’t have to get old

Never trust anyone who hates dogs. Never trust anyone who dogs hate.

circle jirque du soleil

adult cereal be like they're after me fuckin charms!

“Thanks Obama!”

It is not possible to get out of bed on time. We don't have the technology

Sometimes my cat meows at me and it sounds like he's saying "Mommmm 🥺" I love it

had a ton of errands went to work and then a bar instead my irish ancestors watching over me are nodding in approval

The shittiest sounding birds are always the loudest, just like us fr

it's 2026, stop catcalling women cattext them instead

I love having a big dog because creepy men stop catcalling me and instead I am catcalled by elderly women who love my dog

i realized i wasn't young anymore when shutting my eyes and getting three hours of sleep suddenly turned into something somewhere between "near death" and "hibernating"

I have had just about enough of this Donald Trump guy.

my cat just shoved me into a locker which incidentally is how i found out that i have a locker

restoring you to full health

(flirting) i love how fully developed your prefrontal cortex is

Serendipity. @thx4sharingjerk.bsky.social @m1keonl1ne.bsky.social

Oh to be a dashboard duck in a jeep

Fuck Me It's Thursday

catnip did this

Brunch Bubbz by Drekker Mimosa-inspired Sour - 5% ABV Fargo, ND

Bavik Super Wit by Brouwerij De Brabandere Belgian Witbier - 5% ABV Harelbeke , Vlaams Gewest

Bavik Super Wit by Brouwerij De Brabandere Belgian Witbier - 5% ABV Harelbeke , Blaams Gewest

Chopped Cheese by Other Half Hazy IPA w/ Citra, Citra Cryo Mosaic & Anchovy - 7.5% ABV Brooklyn, NY

did anyone find out how many pickled peppers peter piper picked?

men aged 34 to 42 what's stopping you from dying in war

Tonight my Orange Cat stole a potato off the counter, chewed it in half, then left it like a corpse for me to find

you're going to a black crowes concert? to what, hear them play she talks to angels 20 times??