I think this is like the 27th Rapture watch in my lifetime, that I can recall at least.

they should invent a me that isn’t depressed

I’d rather not eat if I have to eat with them chopsticks. Kidding - watch me push my mouth in the bowl.

another day, another cheese gorging

Answering all calls from now on with "Go ahead caller, you're on the air"

Asking my cat if she understands I’m her mom

All the worlds a clerb and we are merely players

Porky Pig do a better job pronouncing Tylenol lmao

What if everyone masturbating disappeared at once? Call that a fapture

I wanna be an otter. Just swimming around, being cute, eating clams.

A trap where Jigsaw makes you read the top news headlines from the day

We have always been at war with Tylenol

Oh that was unhappiness this is depression dumbass.

Just realized I won't be raptured because I masturbated once

I hope I don't get raptured mid-goon

What I'm wearing to the rapture

I put baby oil on my screen so I can skeet faster.

Why don't you punish yourself about it?

My friend said you're all assholes.

Sometimes "blocks" are confusing, like what did I do? Is it BO?

*explaining a crappy tattoo to an american* Imagine a burger

murican. merkin.

when my notifs show 30+ my immediate reaction is "oh no"

Who you are when your posts get 0 likes is the real you

Seriously man I just- I- I fucking KNEW you didn't have my nose

Internalize at your own risk, results may vary.

I should probably go thrifting today, right?

areolas so bumpy, a blind guy felt me up and thought it was a haiku

The scariest part of any horror film is the people who are also going to be at the theater

logging on

rapture? I hardly know ‘er!

I deleted your account. Hope this helps.

You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants

If someone ever told me to shut up I’d be like: OMG, someone was listening?

reality, but it’s just a jump scare

Subtly downgrade a band: Few Fighters

Can't wait till I can look back on this and tragically romanticize what happened in the future* *a few of days

Technologically advance a band: Alice in Blockchains

As terrible as things may be, I am still full of love.

I’m disappointed in the lack of butthole skeets this weekend.

doctor: let's start the stress test me: ok doctor: *turns on the news*

28% of Americans believe it’s not butter

Once again watching Nosferatu (2024)

did it hurt? when you fell. we all saw

I’m not interested in stealing anyone’s boyfriend. If I wanted a boyfriend, I would simply go to the Boyfriend Store and get one

Found in the lost archives (my old drafts from twt)

God said love thy neighbor but they started it is all I'm sayin

holy smokes, Kansas City is running 5 wide with Taylor Swift at receiver! 🙀

at my funeral there will be hot dogs

Someone will hit the Cash App to watch a crash out