I dunno maybe we could get together later and sob for a little while y'know for funsies

now that women have ruined the workplace we should just get rid of it

getting bit by a radioactive vixen could fox me

ever since I was a little girl I knew I wanted to circle the block for parking

[my grandpa in his 40s] i am so proud of what ive accomplished in my life [me in my 40s] oh wow funerals cost a lot i should take up ditch digging

Growing up, I thought I'd be invited to be in more music videos.

Dude, I was eating Ramen way before it was cool.

against my better judgment i still have pride in my work

i was a regifted child

Never get a liver transplant from a dead person because they aren't a liver

(Buying toilet paper but I’m trying to flirt with the cashier) oh it’s not for me haha

(Laughing uncontrollably) that's kinda funny

please

I'm never at my best this early in the millennium.

You know the Internet is dead because so many people still think Pagliacci is the name of the clown and never bothered to look it up

Taking my rotting pumpkin to a patch upstate

you don’t have to be funny if you’re throwing cheese at your audience

I told myself I would work on some paperwork at home since I was leaving early but this martini is saying it can wait

Me: oh boy, that storm sure looks threatening… The storm: gimme your wallet!

body by doritos

HAN: we should team up MEG: totally [later] MEGHAN: now what

I can't think about certain kinds of cheese without quietly reflecting on Monty Python

Camping sex? Must be in tents.

I learned something new today. I try not to do it every day. Too predictable.

Dear people who paint their houses black; congrats…your depression is worse than mine.

Ozzy Osbourne wrote Crazy Train because he had a Loco Motive

Me: I sense that there are a lot of spirits here Liquor store owner: wow that's amazing

ISO a gf who I can watch horror movies with while I flea comb her

Fuck micro plastics. I'm only eating whole grain plastics from now on.

A few days ago our waiter referred to nachos as "chos" and I'm still thinking about it

I don’t like to brag, but I’m getting pretty good at mental illness.

Making baby formula in the meth lab

Thir13en Ghosts II: Four14en Ghosts

i dont age i become anachronistic

my cat is going through a divorce, but I know he’ll land on his feet

Incognito? I’m plumeing the fuck out of de nom.

If I ever get another cat and it's a male, I will NOT hesitate to name him Purry Mason

I live in mortal fear of mispronouncing pecan in public.

Don't make me say something I won't regret.

The Moon, she's doing that thing again

Took a trip down Memory Lane and got shot

Me: *telling cute new young guy about my hobbies* Cute New Young Guy: what's minesweeper

I sit and feel sad, once in a while being single fuckin blows.

if i was mayor everyone would gain 50 lbs and you can choose the easy way or the hard way

My friend called me a wine snob because I only drink boones farm aged more than 2 weeks

One Butthole After Another

Your cat doesn't care what you look like Your cat doesn't care about you at all, but still

Dentist told me she saw god in how well I flossed

talking is just your lungs farting