Haunted House by Allagash Dark Ale - 6.7% ABV Portland, ME

Dissatisfied by 2nd Shift TDH Hazy DIPA w/ Idaho 7 Citra & Simcoe - 8% ABV Saint Louis, MO

Her: I've never done this before Also her:

Speed dating is when you have to tell Keanu Reeves a little bit about yourself or this bus will explode

Now Kim Davis can devote more time and energy to the things she's passionate about, like getting divorced

Devil: Is there a problem? Soul: I was told there is a special place in hell for me. This is just okay. Devil: Soul: I'm a little let down. Devil: Good.

If you enjoy my humor, I urge you to please seek help. Although incurable, deranged stupidity can be treated if caught early.

Medical science says that grip strength is linked to longevity. There may be a benefit to all the time I've spent trying to cling to sanity.

Cat following me around on the kitchen counter while I'm trying to the dishes before work

Writers be like,

posting my nudes in amazon product reviews

You ever drunk dial your senator?

This account smells like body spray and cigarettes

Male pattern kindness

[looking back on a long and fruitful career in tech] holy shit that sucked

My thing is, I'm only tired until I lie down to go to sleep

started from the bottom, now we here (a new bottom)

If I ever have to go to prison, please let it be the Roku City prison on that island

It's called squirt because what's the alternative? Like "Oh yeah baby, *mostly pee* on my wiener?"

I dunno maybe we could get together later and sob for a little while y'know for funsies

now that women have ruined the workplace we should just get rid of it

getting bit by a radioactive vixen could fox me

ever since I was a little girl I knew I wanted to circle the block for parking

[my grandpa in his 40s] i am so proud of what ive accomplished in my life [me in my 40s] oh wow funerals cost a lot i should take up ditch digging

Growing up, I thought I'd be invited to be in more music videos.

Dude, I was eating Ramen way before it was cool.

against my better judgment i still have pride in my work

i was a regifted child

Never get a liver transplant from a dead person because they aren't a liver

(Buying toilet paper but I’m trying to flirt with the cashier) oh it’s not for me haha

(Laughing uncontrollably) that's kinda funny

please

I'm never at my best this early in the millennium.

You know the Internet is dead because so many people still think Pagliacci is the name of the clown and never bothered to look it up

Taking my rotting pumpkin to a patch upstate

you don’t have to be funny if you’re throwing cheese at your audience

I told myself I would work on some paperwork at home since I was leaving early but this martini is saying it can wait

Me: oh boy, that storm sure looks threatening… The storm: gimme your wallet!

body by doritos

HAN: we should team up MEG: totally [later] MEGHAN: now what

I can't think about certain kinds of cheese without quietly reflecting on Monty Python

Camping sex? Must be in tents.

I learned something new today. I try not to do it every day. Too predictable.

Dear people who paint their houses black; congrats…your depression is worse than mine.

Ozzy Osbourne wrote Crazy Train because he had a Loco Motive

Me: I sense that there are a lot of spirits here Liquor store owner: wow that's amazing

ISO a gf who I can watch horror movies with while I flea comb her

Fuck micro plastics. I'm only eating whole grain plastics from now on.

A few days ago our waiter referred to nachos as "chos" and I'm still thinking about it