I don’t get enough credit for maintaining the universe with my thoughts. You’re welcome!

In the future, no one will have to know anything. The primordial scourge of knowledge can finally be ripped up by the roots and burned!

Where do I see myself in five years? I dunno, probably still mostly in mirrors or the occasional photo tag on Instagram. Standing bodies of water. Dreams. Visions. That kind of thing.

Two things can be true, but I don’t think we’re likely to see it happen in our lifetimes.

Everyone is doing the new dance move: kids call it “the sobbing fetal position” and it’s sweeping the nation.

I have so much to offer a romantic partner. Grievances, woes, worries and concerns, the sneaking suspicion too horrible to name that something is terribly wrong, troubles, trials and tribulations, debt, a bloodline that must die with me, a checkered history with the authorities. The list goes on.

This one goes out to all the people who told me I’d never make anything of myself. You were right but it was still very rude.

I have one of those things where I’m the only person in human history who’s ever been fucked up in this particular way or ever will be again.

*cracking my knuckles and placing my finger a half-inch away from the phone screen* I’ve followed a lot of people in my time. One more won’t make much difference.

All commodities are trying to be eggs. So far, only eggs are succeeding at this.

Don’t ever let the truth or what’s right or wrong get in the way of your moment-to-moment whims and desires.

Pronouncing “female” like “tamale.”

Please, “Daddy” was my father. You can call me “Dad.”

Happy Father’s Day to all the single fathers out there.

Are you gay? You could be. All it takes is a little luck and some elbow grease.

People will forget what you said, and people will forget what you did, but people will never forget what you posted that one time.

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Inventing a guy to love and respect.

I am so poorly socialized right now, it’s not even funny. Well it’s probably funny for other people.

When we finally break, it’s taken as proof that we were already broken. I think of this Malcolm X quote often: “…I have no mercy or compassion in me for a society that will crush people, and then penalize them for not being able to stand up under the weight.”

Thank you for joining me on my journey from lovable deadbeat to deadbeat.

I promote peace, love, and pestilence. That’s what sets me apart from hippies. The pestilence.

Concept: friends that you live with. Living friends. Friends of life.

I really thought he was dead already.

“Cancel culture—” Yes, they should!

Why should I have to live like this, just because I have no useful skills, talents or abilities and make arguably a negative overall contribution to the species? Is that so wrong?

This is the first day of the rest of my strife.

Anyone want a life that’s barely been lived in?

Lots of people think I joke. I don’t joke. I take myself far too seriously to joke. Life is a serious affair, and I would never sully it with something so crass as japes and jests. It will never happen. In fact I can prove it: pull my finger. See? Nothing.

I would marry ~12-15% of you, just for the record. Not at the same time. Unless…?

I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.

All the money I had in the world (not much, admittedly), gone because a “free trial” that turned out not to be free or a trial at all! Not the first time this has happened recently… Anyone else noticing how much more nakedly predatory companies are emboldened to be lately? This fucking blows.

To celebrate Pride, I’m undertaking the Spending Challenge: send me any amount of money, day or night, and I’ll spend it. On gas, on bills, on groceries, stimulating my local economy and strengthening the value of every dollar in your wallet. I do this free of charge. Venmo/Cashapp: claymationary

I could still really use help with my car-getting-repossessed situation! I’d be very grateful if you can send anything. Thank you! 💞 Venmo/Cashapp: claymationary

I’m what they call “the whole package”: matter AND energy. Atoms AND void. Why settle for less?

Kill the crossing guard in your head.

You should follow me for any or all of the following reasons: 1) pity 2) FOMO 3) it’s the law 4) madness 5) loss of consciousness/state of ecstasy 6) ironclad alibi for the perfect murder 7) brain worms 8) worm brains 9) the immortal science of Marxism-Leninism 10) mutually assured destruction

Now that we’ve crossed the trillion-dollar barrier, the next milestone beckons: who will be the first quadrillionaire? The uninformed may believe it’s not important, but we need to pour everything we have into making rich people much richer. Don’t worry about anything else!

Celebrating the United States right now is like if the Titanic band was selling merch.

People need to understand that the United States was always this, was always heading to this point and cannot do or be otherwise. Replacing the person at the helm won’t stop this ship from falling off the edge of the world.

Our excuses and apologetics won’t survive long into the future, but our prisons will, our hostile architecture, our plastics pollution will. The fossil record will show our abuse of nature quite clearly, and there will be none of us left to object, “But you don’t understand…!”

The reserve army of the proudly exploited has seen your post.

Look, you may not like it, and I may not like it, and the vast majority of people may not like it, but that’s democracy: most people putting up with the whims of a small, privileged minority of the population.

When you unfollow me, THIS is who you’re unfollowing!

Look at this

Tell your friends. Spread the word.

“Yeah no, that’s the joke. Your refrigerator obviously can’t ‘run’ in that sense of the word. We both agree on that. Hello?”

Anyone else feel like they woke up this morning after falling asleep around 2020/2021? There’s physical evidence I was up and doing things that whole time, but I’m skeptical.