Everyone hates the picture on their license to kill

The most oft-repeated phrase in America : “I’m so sick of his shit”

That night, Donnie was haunted by two ghosts...

i'm not responsible for any ren faire boners

I'm hoping there's nothing sexier than a woman, in "Home of the Whopper" Burger King boxer shorts, eating three day old teriyaki chicken wings over the kitchen sink

It's pretty ballsy of Jolly Ranchers to bank on the fact that you're okay eating a little plastic wrap with your candy

my mom has finally realized that she's better off w/o a man good job bitch only took seventy something years but good job

Most people don't know you can exchange a cat for a burger at any Burger King drive-thru.

🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️ One milkshake to rule the boys, one milkshake to find them, one milkshake to bring the boys and in my yard to bind them 🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️

"Screaming makes me more correct!"--people on YouTube who couldn't be more incorrect.

would the gentleman care for a kick in the groin? no charge

I pronounce “marinara” differently depending on who I’m with

I come from the land where the jamooks roam free

Quote of the day: Nicolae Ceaușescu, just months before being overthrown by the Romanian people, spending an inordinate amount of time micromanaging his grandiose vanity building project rather than running the country. archive.org/details/revo...

Never doubt your own happiness I say as I do a backflip into the wood chipper

Never forget the liars who told you and told you that Democratic Socialism would never work. The people that brought you Trump’s pedocracy did everything they could to stop Mamdani.

Ladies and gentlemen, presenting the lead singer of the Hababamevi Folk Band. 😸 - Ah shall sing now.. or later. Ah think Ah feel the onset of a quick nap. 😁😹😂 (From the account - Pınar Göktaş (@hababamevi_)) #cat #leadsinger #folkmusic #lol

BREAKING: Charles Manson backs out of the Freedom 250 concert

What’s worse, falling asleep at the wheel or turning on notifications?

One of my biggest causes of anxiety is getting motion-activated faucets in restrooms to work.

yes offense

Yesterday I signed a bill to return 3,400 acres of land to the Fon du Lac Band of Lake Superior Chippewa - a joint effort between the Tribe, the state, and the University of Minnesota.

The has-beens performing at Dear Leader's July celebration of himself would be wise to get their money up front

“He’s a keeper,” I tell myself as I bury him in the back yard.

big fan of whatever is wrong with you

it's morning again. i don't approve

a random cat jumped into my lap. happens all the time 😻

every room is an escape room when i'm in it

they should be considering me for the next 007

what's great about staring at a wall is that if you forget what you're doing, you're still doing it

the high cost of bouncy castles is largely due to inflation

the "all up in your business" people vastly outnumber the "just trying to live my life" people and it aint even close.

Pepper and I going into the weekend like... (Volume ☝🏽)

meteor now

every single transportation conversation ever

Dear Men: women will rip their uteruses out themselves before they go back to the good ‘ol days

my gf and I can't agree on vacation spots. she wants to go to the Bahamas, and I want to leave the solar system

I’m at that age where I realize that mom really needed that chicken thawed when she got home from work.

no i said you were a fungi

I donated my body to science but science regifted it to science fiction.

the calm before the storm that is my noontime class 🧘🏻‍♀️🧘🏻‍♂️🕉🙏🏻

I've figured it out. The wealth never trickled down because we never poked enough holes in the top 1%. That's why it's all just pooling around them, no drainage!

Telling the guys at work that my lunch was scrumdiddlyumptious

Me: I'm happy My brain: Uh-oh

More like Charlotte’s web of lies. where is my husband you hussy?! - Wilbur‘s estranged wife