AI still won't clean your spankerchief

u ok babe? you've barely done any doomscrolling

ouch

just try to make yourself comfortable until the end

More like a "no action" figure

another day on bluesky

can’t I’m crying rn bc a stranger was nice to me

Did Matt W take a day off of abusing his wife to be based? Great.

how dare you be in a good mood

Did I ever tell you about that one time God slid into my DMs?

WTF is going on here?

I accidentally scheduled an appointment with an ontologist instead of an oncologist & bad news: I failed my metaphysical

Establish dominance at your morning meeting by casually eating a ham like a hand fruit

life is the oprah of assholes

so my boss says "vibes are off" isn't an acceptable excuse for calling out sick

the people still following me are the real April fools

an April fool’s decade, amirite

the bones of my enemies broke my juicer

People born today will never understand how aggressive some dudes were in the 2000s about needing to eat bacon to feel masculine. They'd make it their entire lifestyle & this was just one of the default types of guys that you'd encounter. Running into a "bacon guy" was just a normal part of life.

how would i know if i had any hidden talents? they're hidden moron

girl that's going to fall for every April Fool's joke tomorrow logging on

I'm really proud of my grandfather for getting into college at his age. I just wish it wasn't as a donation to science

accidentally touched hands with someone at this walmart $5 DVD bin so i guess we’re a thing now

when you start experiencing symptoms usually associated with meth addiction you've probably had enough coffee

'you plus me minus our pants...' - flirting with a mathematician

Spending billions of dollars in a war - and killing hundreds of people including 110 children in a school - to re-open a Strait that was already open. Orwellian.

The stupidest war in history, being waged by the stupidest president in history.

"Great, a dude" 🙄 ~ The Bene Gesserit probably

hi do you mind if i harvest a few organs from your reply guys?

long term goal: become the first sexbot elected president

My favorite sexual position is someone grabbing my ankles and dangling me over the abyss

44% tight slacks, 56% slack tights

i don't whip out my forklift certification unless i really want to stunt

We're getting to that part of spring where a young woman's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of swamp things 💚

Eyeing your trinkets

If you’ll recall, the election was actually very close. Trump won with a narrow 1.5-point margin in the popular vote. And yet, the idea that America had experienced a political “earthquake” that demanded far-reaching interpretations became gospel almost immediately.

I’m not sure he’s trying to be a king so much as a dictator really but alas

when the giant asteroid hits i'm not even going to be mad about it

Don't let trauma destroy you. Let it make you a really good shitposter

It’s not too late to find a #NoKings protest near you. Please go to nokings.org and use your voice now so! There’s even a virtual rally if you can’t get there in person!

Captain America: The Wiener Soldier

i forgot how to ride a bike

marking this account as a bot because free will is an illusion

my idiotic posts pale in comparison to my idiotic thoughts