BREAKING: Charles Manson backs out of the Freedom 250 concert

What’s worse, falling asleep at the wheel or turning on notifications?

One of my biggest causes of anxiety is getting motion-activated faucets in restrooms to work.

yes offense

Yesterday I signed a bill to return 3,400 acres of land to the Fon du Lac Band of Lake Superior Chippewa - a joint effort between the Tribe, the state, and the University of Minnesota.

The has-beens performing at Dear Leader's July celebration of himself would be wise to get their money up front

“He’s a keeper,” I tell myself as I bury him in the back yard.

big fan of whatever is wrong with you

it's morning again. i don't approve

a random cat jumped into my lap. happens all the time 😻

every room is an escape room when i'm in it

they should be considering me for the next 007

what's great about staring at a wall is that if you forget what you're doing, you're still doing it

the high cost of bouncy castles is largely due to inflation

the "all up in your business" people vastly outnumber the "just trying to live my life" people and it aint even close.

Pepper and I going into the weekend like... (Volume ☝🏽)

meteor now

every single transportation conversation ever

Dear Men: women will rip their uteruses out themselves before they go back to the good ‘ol days

my gf and I can't agree on vacation spots. she wants to go to the Bahamas, and I want to leave the solar system

I’m at that age where I realize that mom really needed that chicken thawed when she got home from work.

no i said you were a fungi

I donated my body to science but science regifted it to science fiction.

the calm before the storm that is my noontime class 🧘🏻‍♀️🧘🏻‍♂️🕉🙏🏻

I've figured it out. The wealth never trickled down because we never poked enough holes in the top 1%. That's why it's all just pooling around them, no drainage!

Telling the guys at work that my lunch was scrumdiddlyumptious

Me: I'm happy My brain: Uh-oh

More like Charlotte’s web of lies. where is my husband you hussy?! - Wilbur‘s estranged wife

*takes out one earbud* he dead yet?

I wasn’t built to tone it down. I was built to turn it up.

Swimming through garbage at the dump the way Scrooge McDuck swims through gold coins.

Anyone else tired of struggling?

Do I believe in dinosaurs? Buddy, I believe dinosaurs can be whatever they dream. Dream big, dinosaurs.

he was the dumpster fire burning in my heart

thanks to my mom for birthing me so I could have crippling depression and be an idiot on the internet

Yet another ghost hunt ends by solving the mystery of where someone hid their secret porn stash

i deleted that terrible post in my drafts folder. where's my gold statue?

Legendary hip hop producer 9th Wonder receives his degree from North Carolina Central University, 26 years after leaving to HBCU to pursue music

don't forget misogyny

I wanna be as useless as the Door Close button in an elevator

oh NOW my accountant tells me i can't list my occupation as 'cautionary example'

so much winning

Live, laugh, set me on fire.

i need to study so you guys keep it down

i appreciate all the random Star Wars DMs I've been getting today but everyone's getting the quote wrong. it's 'no, i am your father' not "i want to be your daddy'

Wait a minute...so it's kill them with kindness FIRST, and then the chainsaw?

i shaved my wookie for this?

My girlfriend just sent me a meme saying, "Prepare that hole. I'm on my way," and I've never been more in love