i'm not even going to listen to you if you show up at my intervention without at least a side dish

heroin is my stuffed orangutan

Gentlemen, it’s Women’s History Month, so maybe take the initiative and explain what that is.

what a rando online says: we live really close to each other what i hear: i'm in murdering distance

i went to your poetry jam so you owe me a kidney

here's to the unavoidable horrors of the coming week

my brother always used to hide the last puzzle piece and this is why I shitpost

we should play musical church pews and last one standing goes to hell

Teddie All Natural Sexy Peanut Butter

Winched-from-the-muck logging on

GM 🖤 Look for the magic today ✨

💀💀💀

All the news updates on Operation Pedo Shield are terrible

ngl every time someone likes one of my posts i lose respect for them

if i backed over a monkey with a stuffed orangutan i don't need to report it do i?

i swear if you guys make my handler call me with the code phrase

i'm deeply in love with all the women i interact with on this app 💙

holy crap am i high

i do everything sarcastically

i'm selling you guys out to the aliens HARD

i shaved my wookie for this? ~ me at my first Star Wars convention

nobody's going to boogie their way out of this

If you hold an empty Pringles can to your ear, you can hear the potatoes screaming.

i'm required by law to put 'walking disaster' on any and all employment applications

Please be kind. Not nice. Kind.

i'm sorry i called your boyfriend a candy ass

Brb, I’m going to Japan to kidnap an adorable orphaned monkey.

blessed to have found a new glute destroying exercise to spice things up. i could totally nap between sets too

i hope i pick up a homicidal drifter on the way to work

Fixing my problems one slice of cheese at a time.

changing out of office msg to 'good luck lol'

I understand enough to know I don't understand much. Like you people, for instance.

normalize barking at men who tell you to smile

The first US Cabinet happened in 1789.

Best believe I'm not turning on the news today.

technically, im a high functioning shitstorm

i gave up sick beats for lent

friends put me in their videos to make them extra terrible

i know i've already spammed the timeline with gratuitous selfies but i had to sneak one more in of Willie, my lab partner in the coming week

i'm going to put this into the audition reel i'm sending my favorite South Korean soap opera ​Kimchi & Consequences. i think i'm perfect for wacky neighbor/serial killer

When a women tells me her name, I always follow up with, "Oh, like the cheese?" no matter what her name is.

I am not accepting factual comments on my joke post at this time. Please don't try again later.

Hot dogs are too small and I'm sick of pretending they're not

Archie Comics in the streets EC Comics in the sheets

i'm still doing unilateral training. I miss calisthenics and handstands sooo much 😢

Hiding the last of the cookie dough under my pillow

thanks Bono we're not crazy about it either

i carry a brick in my Hello Kitty bag to keep things spicy

the best part of blizzards is having the option to wander out and let the storm consume me