What watt is best for a bedroom light? Asking for someone* who has been given a million watt lightbulb... *me

Me: ok have you got everything? Have you got all your dollies? Removal man: madam, I'm a grown man. Me: RM: but also, yes.

Every time I scream this at the sky, the sky gives me the most lethal side-eye...which is astonishing, because I don't know how it does that without actually having eyes.

People who put little antlers on their cars: we aren’t stupid, we can still tell they are cars

*tries to make breakfast porridge pot* *realises the kettle is packed*

kinda crazy how it’s acceptable to eat your twin as long as it’s in utero

It's midnight...!!! Have I finished packing yet?!.....

I bet these technofeudalists never even went to a techno club night

good morning. if you climb mt everest you’re required to bring back approx 8lb of poop with you (yours or not) to help clean up mt everest’s insurmountable poop problem. have a good day.

My number 1 tip in life is this: don't buy anything longer than you can dispose of in the bin or easily cut in half with a saw

Is he saying "help" or "look out" because of this werewolf... 🤔

Them: "we're going to bring a lute and van" Me: "oh we'll just need the van" Them: " 😑 "

day 2468 of hitting the pizza button on the microwave and still no pizza

Head of lettuce sounds like a big responsibility.

Hey bloobies, What's an appropriate Christmas/ thank you/going away present for the people who have been nice to me during the fire? (Like the building manager and the workmen and the storage people) ... Fancy biscuits?

Getting hit on by someone 14 years younger than me. ...I think they think I'm a rich scamming target 😂

JUST.👏 BREAK.👏 UP.👏!!! ...JFC! 😒

Can someone have this panic attack for me while I get on with the stuff I need to do?

my tailor shortens pants in earnest cuz that’s his hemming way this isn’t even today’s worst i have more 😬

Giving things away is stressful. I should have learned my lesson from Brewster. #decluttering

"Son of a…!" - me, after getting all my ducks in a column

They should have had taller ones... Then they'd be able to count them

how the grinch stole my youth and left me for his dental hygienist

The most annoying sound in the world? Gotta be the beating heart under the floorboards. We get it. We’re haunted by our conscience and slowly going mad. It’s been done!

Bluesy wrapped. But it's just some random replying to your post telling you why a particular artist is problematic and how you're disgusting for liking them

Bluesky wrapped. But it's just the posts that caused the most people to unfollow you.

Here’s my listening age... Apparently 😬: #SpotifyWrapped. www.spotify.com/wrapped-shar...

Still annoyed at miss meaty mesh toes being surprised that a wardrobe is big.

This Pluribus ad on a fridge caused a schizophrenic woman named Carol to be hospitalized.

An advent calendar but it's just each day without something sh*t happening 🤞

Time travelling MURDERER!

Arrghhh "Miss Meaty Toes" said it was too big and didn't want it. Anyone want a wardrobe?

Waiting for someone to pick up a wardrobe and from my snooping I've discovered they sell feet pics 😬

"The Ewoks are dead. All of them." I personally believe they went cannibal before the end. www.businessinsider.com/endor-holoca...

Santa has been reading your skeets all year. Most of you are getting dictionaries.

Women are not a vector for you to try your personality out on

What was the joke I came up with while I was doing the dishes but have now forgot...?

Save Time!! We need time-saving measures!

Hot tubs are the opposite of boats

just saw a caníbal eating with chopsticks like it’s rawmen

I’ve never owned a telescope, but it’s something I’d like to look into.

Rocking back and forth in the fetal position really works your core

Why does a can of condensed milk come as 397ml? Good morning.

HOA: About your yard. The theme was... Brenda: The theme was "Christmas makes me feel..." and that's what I did. HOA: There are empty liquor bottles, the snowman is passed out, broken lights, and what you did to Rudolph with the xmas tree... Brenda: Christmas. Makes. Me. Feel.

A Russian blue cat probably utters a Moscow mewl.

hunting* and gathering** *posting **notifications

Is he wearing a smaller pair of shoes inside the huge pair? How do they stay on, was he shuffling like a 5 year old in adult shoes? So many questions

... Who is making you dress like this?

Eeeek!! Look who joined the grown ups!! 🤓