How many cushions are too many cushions?

Don't ask me to define humiliation. I don't know demeaning.

*going surfing* Them: ".... no. we said you needed to get a wetsuit 😑"

Is this what they mean by Organised Crime? ...I could never

I'm gonna say... It was the bear with the pompoms!!! 🫣

"chronically ill" sounds like an insult you're older sibling would make

omgggg the two wolves inside me just kissed for the first time

Who up crying about their to-do list...?

Me: Do not disturb ⛔ Other people:

Why does everyone want to take bits of my job?! It's not your job!! Stop trying to take my job!

A wrong'un's work is never done.

i’m as serious as the post above this is your horoscope

I hired a headless horseman for your baby shower pls respond

My brain needs tabs so I don't lose thoughts

Keir mate appoint Peter Mandelson as replacement Health Secretary just for bantz

I’d never date a vampire because I love garlic bread too much.

Sugar free sweet roulette

Wonder if I can bet on this on Kalshi...

me: please don’t judge me four horsemen: *shrugging* it’s what we do me: *laying naked in a tubful of hot dog water* oh well

Made a script to make some bits of my job quicker, should I: a) Keep it under wraps b) Use it to get brownie points in my performance review (before the boss makes his own)

"I look like an anorak! 🤓" *me, literally wearing an anorak 🤦‍♀️

"If she has her own house, what will she need me for?" I don't know, dude, maybe be cool and fun to be around and be happy for her success instead being whiny little sad-ass troll about it? www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle...

We're nominating @trickykat.bsky.social and she's told me she's already had several successful man dates so....

If this lotion is really "rehydrating", why can't it turn these raisins back into grapes?

I just pissed myself... this is the movie he is mad that people are calling slop... I demand you watch with the sound on... it is so much worse than you think it is going to be...

“throw hands” okay where are you getting these extra hands

Them: "Aim to leave a beautiful corpse" Me: "..... where... 😬"

The two dating options in East London 🫥

Lidl has just told me that if I spend £90 I can get an avocado! Imagine that!

My mom got me slippers from her trip to the Philippines and I think this one's swearing at me... 😳

🎶 drum beats sounding out a rhythm to my brain 🎶 .....

"you must be fun at parties" jokes on you I've never been invited to one, idiot

give a man a waffle he eats for a day teach a man to waffle he’s indecisive for a lifetime

Surely they've suffered enough?

"I'm not like the other girls..." I growl as my tentacle flicks away my forelock feather that's tickling my 4th eye.

This is the worst one of all

Who called it anti-ai when probiotics was right there

BE ready so you don't have to get ready so you don't have to be getting ready so you don't have to think about getting ready so you don't have to be told you're not ready already

When you use the salad spinner You BECOME The Salad Spinner

All I did was put my hands in the air💃 I don't know why you're so upset with me... 🙄

What's your blues album going to start with? Mine is 🎶 Too Many Slices of Toast* 🎶 *low carb tho

Dear Linkedin, ....I'm working!!! Please stop trying to get me to do puzzles!!

Halp!! I moisturised my feet, lost my shoes and I keep slipping on the pavement. People keep offering me seats and children are crying! What do I do?!

Who ate my cheese?! (Non motivational)

My jokes aren't windy they're fermented