Dear lord, I'm not religious but please don't let the family filming tiktok videos on the balcony of the flat opposite move in.

I did not add anything easy and delicious to my online shopping and I have regrets 😭

Hot or not...?

Imagine me semi clothed WRONG... Hotter WRONG AGAIN... Different kind of hot 😩

Them: why ARE you single? Me: *in a bra with an ice pack strapped to me* No idea!

Them: What's your body count? Me: ... errrm 😳 ... i haven't killed anyone Them: ... Me: why, what have you heard? 😬

Why don’t you try telling the void a joke instead of screaming into it?

move your arm or I'll pick my nose, wipe it on my elbow and we'll play bogie roulette... ... works every time

Having a good day? 😢

Marie Claire actually left a prompt from an AI in one of their recent articles. While there’s still some great journalists and publications left, this is utterly shocking. No wonder I’m trying to pivot.

Ms. Spelling

Them: What's your body count? Me: ... errrm 😳 ... i haven't killed anyone Them: ... Me: why, what have you heard? 😬

Could be us but you playin

I ran out of body butter so I used regular butter after my shower. My skin is very shiny now and I keep slipping on the kitchen floor. The dog is looking at me like I'm a delicious turkey

tofu is martial arts using only your feet

Getting my hair dyed by basically children. I'm COVERED in dye. My face is the same colour as my hair. I'm tired.

I think I need to date an interior designer/organiser/handyman

I quit cold turkey ... much nicer heated up

back in the 90s it was against the law to be caught without a fanny pack

Me: I've got an "infectious personality" apparently... 😔 Them: ... That's.... That's not why people don't want to be around you...

When I see someone make a joke I've already posted, I just laugh and write their username in a little red book

it’s because all yall carrying around water bottles that data centers can’t have water. shame on you!

Jazz is all about the notes you don't play, I say sitting in complete silence.

*at the artisan organic farmers market* Me: am I in the right place for the rodeo?

Due to rising oyster prices the world is now your Clamato.

My mum's got more followers than me on tiktok 🫥

Screaming at technology - a memoir

Supper Girl (2026)

All of us here thinking "I wish I could experience LOTR for the first time again 😭" ... right?

Guess who did not pull the blinds down this morning and now lives on the surface of the sun...

I'm right handed. And left handed. I have two hands.

while y'all were sleeping i was studying the blade (cake knife)

You guys I’m gettin some weird ads

Me: I need to have an early night...! Me but at midnight: ... tomorrow then...

If you’re not joking around with me you’re joking around against me

Thank you Google maps for protecting the cow's privacy

Arnold Schwarzenegger really said "Ice to meet you" as Mr. Freeze in "Batman and Robin," and no one said anything. And people wonder why we are where we are today.

it's actually only called the supreme court because it's cooked in white wine and mushrooms

I only open my mouth to change feet 🤦🏻‍♂️.

*trying to read a recipe* 0.25 dozen eggs?

Londoners aren't unfriendly... ... They're just sick of being told how much you hate them for no reason.

everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about you are pretty clueless tbh

I Tried to Be Friends With a Guy and He Made It Weird: A Memoir

me: *pronouncing chaos like cows* this is absolute cows

so what’s wrong with clouds 1-8

I travel with a backpack full of aged cheddar and havarti dill for emergency purposes

Domestic partner implies the existence of feral partners

A sloe burn is when you make gin too spicy