Why don't they make feet that fit shoes?

Why don't they make shoes that fit feet?

[being put on a blocklist called deeply unfunny] awww... they think I'm deep

5 mins pop to the post box turned into 3 hour goose chase. I may not stop screaming. A.M.A.

wife: do that thing I like me: spontaneously combusts

Someone has just thanked me "ever so kindly"... Is this passive aggressive or corporate speak?

Before recipe websites, you had to drive to a bookstore and buy cookbooks, and the cashier wouldn’t even tell you a rambling, pointless story about their favorite sandwich. Those were dark days, my friend.

Have you ever noticed how goals and growth expectations aren't recalibrated after a big round of layoffs or buyouts? You've been "doing more with less" your entire career, but don't ever doubt that a company would light you on fire if it meant saving a nickel.

What's an ex-maureen?

An actor has the opportunity to do the funniest thing and register the name Tilly Norwood with Equity and SAG...

Tilly Norwood, the ai "actress" is perfect for hollywood- no opinions, as young and as thin as they want, willing to do whatever they ask. I've seen some creepy AI stuff but this really takes the biscuit #hollwood #acting #ai #ethicalai

At least Tilly Norwood can't sue me when I call her performance "as entertaining as a tricky cold sh*t after days without any fiber"

I had so many more friends when I was getting free stuff and being invited to open bar events that gave out goodie bags... 🤔

Just discovered I was born in a Victorian workhouse because of course I was 🙄

This is how the rest of the world sees the US

I put the "er" in "power"

I keep seeing the marketing for the flat development I'm buying in and it's all "help your child buy a home" ... So i guess that's who my new neighbours are going to be.

I'm trying to find more songs with the vibe of Opeth's BENIGHTED, and their DAMNATION album, etc. Mellow, rather quiet songs, but that are dark and dreary. Suggestions?

🎶I dont care what they say, I won't stay in a world without ***dIeT sOdA***🎶

Me [roasting a potato]: are you biblically accurate? Cause you've got hundreds of eyes!!

Huh..."funny yet mean comments" I was not expecting that.

Is it "use the oven?" ... It's use the oven isn't it...

Fairly sure this keyboard was escaping and they've just captured it again...

someone should invent anything else other than work

A "feast of trumpets" doesn't sound appetising tbh ...

Yes they do... Whilst complaining about their husbands

I'm here you effervescent beach

That's me in the corner That's me in the spotlight That's me doing the funky monkey That's me on CCTV That's me realising it and crying in the corner .... That's me running out the door

Ha ha ha ha ha do you remember those days when there were actual jobs for people just to ask ai questions...!? Ha ha ha

[alphabet committee] BOSS: what are the vowels DESIGNER: a e i o and u BOSS: sometimes i think we need another one DESIGNER: why BOSS: ok

Smash two movies together to make a new movie Harold & Kumar Go to The White Lotus

Smash two movies together to make a new movie Snakes on a Plane Who Stare at Goats

ate some Twizzlers, now they’re twuzzlers

If an actor is a real jerk, he's a...

Oh i worked with him once!

I'm giving up Bluesky for a life on the high seas, boarding ships and stealing treasure. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.

Cancelled the TV license because i a) don't have a TV and 2) don't have a home and they're like "b*tch! We're going to put you in jail!"

"Fetch!"

I don’t consider myself indecisive I’ll die on this fence

There's a very plausible scientific reason that the rubber chickens are in that rubbish, thankyouverymuch.

*does the "Everyone has me muuuted. No one can read my silly little thoughts" dance*

Me: but i live here... 😭 Government: *takes one step right*

The government is like those dates who are all "tell me everything about yourself" ... so you do and then they tell you to "get out"

Amazon-Temu is now:

What new name are we giving the new Amazon-Temu?

⚡Alloy-ish-ca ⚡

Is making politics 'comedy' doing more harm than good? Bus driver: "...either get on or get off"

I told you guys

I'm sorry to break this to you Zoomers but based on my interactions with you, you're just Long Millenials

"oh you're so lucky to be living in a hotel" If you like your breakfasts coughed on by children, inappropriate remarks made at you while you're trying to clean your clothes, the manager being overly friendly, people walking into your room wherever they like... Then... Sure?