me: too many cooks boil the hands her: that’s not how the saying goes one of the seventeen guys in my kitchen dressed in white: ow ow ow shit ow ow ow

Not all nut milks are the same.

🕯 🕯 manifesting 🕯 🕯 Someone to pick 🕯 🕯 up the table so that i 🕯 🕯 don't have to drag 🕯 🕯It back to IKEA🕯 🕯

My milkshake brings all the people who loudly boast about not being lactose intolerant to my yard 🙄

Spork: need id Hacksaw: nah you're alright

Jay Z is sort for Justin Zee Bra

I simply did not think pickleballers were that freaky!

got a blood test, turns out I'm practically full of the stuff doctor said it's really gross & spooky in there, almost thought they saw a skeleton

If you feel your heartbeat in your stomach... Is that bad?

In America, furniture sits on you

Can someone tell me (like I'm 5) what particle b is and why people keep going missing who are researching it?

...I'm now picturing a large John Dere driving past the end of a farm track, filled with farm-mobsters giving the MacDonald place the stink-eye in what's supposed to be a menacing way but is deeply undermined by the fact that tractors are inherently cheerful driving machines.

Old McDonald Had a Farm was written by his bullies

What size drill bit gives you the cutest dimples?

You should be about to sue over a broken nail caused by a poorly designed product 🤕

Baited a mousetrap with string cheese and later found a tiny knitted cheese sweater.

They should make a flat you don't have to clean

Inside me are two wolves and neither of them are doing anything to help me out right now

Upsetting flatware continued

LL Cool J stands for Limited Liability Company oooh oooh el jay for the love of god, don’t post this oops too late

(driving through the Nevada desert) siri post to bluesky “salsa is a soup”

Avoiding building a hideaway desk by putting up curtains 🤦‍♀️

Me: Apparently this auction’s listings are all banned. Friend: What makes you say that? Me: They’re for bidding. *they plunge their auction paddle through my throat*

If you speak English to a pigeon, is that pidgin English? 🤔

I forgot the neighbourhood WhatsApp group doesn't like jokes and accidentally made one and now they all hate me. 🫥

Me: Sorry, can't make it. I caught corvid Them: ... You mean COVID? Crows in my handbag: "No sHE EffING DOESN'T"

* seti employee diligently listening to radio signals * "...I think I've got something...!" * decodes signal * ARE U MAD AT ME?

If someone makes you calamari, you should make them calamari in return. Squid pro quo

Making a chia pet of all of my exes and then eating the sprouts and waiting for them to go bald.

Any pigeon can be a carrier pigeon if you don't care where your message goes.

Friend: you know, I'm not interested in men with muscles 🙄 Me: *imagining a man literally made of skin and bones, no calves, no heart, can't focus his eyes, can't breathe because he's got no diagram, constantly complaining about it* ..."huh"

Cookie Monster voice: Coming out of me cage and me been doing just fine

Does anyone know a recipe for Shin Ramyun broth (without sugars)... *asking for a friend 😬

Once again I'm asking, can someone make my dinner and packed lunch for me? 😩

shopping my stash *I whisper as I eat leftovers straight out of the fridge*

A film studio that only made original content in 90min films and never did any franchises or sequels.

I was about to buy into a fist-activated jukebox, but then I realized it was a Fonzie Scheme.

I dunno...I think I'd be ok investing into a ponzu scheme 🤷‍♀️

Me: "I'm not going to spend ANY MONEY this month!! 🤓 Me later that day: *books headshot and showreel session and buys (more) expensive (than I'd like) vacuum cleaner* 🤡

Sad But True: Over 93% of babies are unemployed.

An IMDb, but to help you figure out who you were confusing a celebrity you thought was dead but is still alive with. “Wait, if Bill Pullman was at the Oscars, who was the actor I made the sad emoji for like five years ago?”

Had to buy a vacuum for pet hair if you want to know what living with long hair is like 🙄 Wonder what kind of hair-pet I will get...

Dune knot do drugs kidz

Pyjamamaxxing

Guy supposed to put up my curtain rails is an hour late. What do you think happened to him? 🫣

Where's the best place to buy a non-haunted mirror?

Be my magic 8 ball please...? *shake shake shake shakes you*

Maybe the real Banksy was the friends we made along the way

Happy find-out -if-you-were-Banksy-all-along Day!

Where can I get DLSS 5 for real life 😩