Birthday insomnia

*buys smallest flat* *wonders why she has no storage space and can't unpack things*

the enemy of my enemy is also my enemy (i have a lot of enemies)

The enemy of my enemy is my entertainment 🍿🐐

the sea only exists because fish cry a lot

could we have picked a less gross sounding meal word than “Lunch”

It was meh

Fine!!! I'll make the tiktok dumpling casserole! OMG!

At the world's slowest post office. AMA

Me as an influencer: Hey Beasties! Them: Don't you mean besties? Me: 🕯 🕯 🕯 🕯 🕯 🕯️ 🐀🐇🐂🐎🐍🐢 🕯 🕯 🕯 🕯 🕯 🕯

Pffft I've got more unread emails than the Epstein dump 🙄

Rotate your knee caps.

Clumsy if literal: an eye dropper

Bots are organising and asking each other “Can I sue my human for emotional labor?” in case you need any excuse to not use ai...

Even muggers decide I'm not worth it once they get even a little bit closer 🫤 hashtag men

Who up sellotaping their patterns...?

(interrupting the ouija board session) I just wanted to say that, given the literacy rates in 1820, everyone answering us is doing an amazing job here

I am not a morning person, I am a lurking creature of the fathomless midday.

I went to Zumba by mistake 😩

Rich people need hobbies

Unpopular opinion: Silent discos are my idea of hell

Those who cringe at the word moist may wish to join the wetness protection program.

I guess I joined upscrolled cause Instagram keeps trying to muffle me under a pillow who else is there? share.upscrolled.com/en/user/b904...

If you live in your car and you’re homesick, are you actually carsick?

chat, is it a free workout class if you spend £8 on travel to get to it?

London is so cramped and complex that event holders are like "it's the entrance just around the corner from the taco truck that looks closed but don't worry, the door opens.

i don’t need a cleaner i need to hire someone to remove all the flat surfaces from my house

You will be visited by two pigeons 🤓 And they will fly away as soon as you go to greet them 😔

The first few lines of No Scrubs read like a Wikipedia page

deleting signal now that I know it's compromised, you can find me on threads, no wait, is that the one with the logo that looks like a pube? never mind i’m staying on signal

🦈🐟🦈🐟🦈🐟📦

...i should call him

a dink dink dink dINK?

why cant the coffee make ME for once

Blooobs, I've been accidentally made the leader of a meetup group I've never been to!!!! What should I do with it?!?! 😈

Why does everyone insist on telling me, unprompted, that they're "not a fan of clubbing"? What kind of vibe am I giving off...?

I don't make the rules; I just make up the rules

Still disappointed that "alleged" doesn't mean "with legs"

Theoretically could a whale get rabies, I've got an idea for a motion picture

I’m in group counselling for people who talk too much. It’s called People Who Go On Anon.

📢 Fire, fire, humidifier!

Oh no, you discovered the truth about your heritage. You, me, we're all goo people.

You make me feel all gooey* inside *sick

She's a 10 but she has an irrational hatred of the word "cusp?

Found someone's eyebrow hair in my Tesco side salad so now I can't eat my lunch 🤢

Going to bed. Don't mess up anything while I'm asleep.

omg you can just buy a cry cry horse and no one can stop you?!?!!! 🥺

When you buy a knitting machine you BECOME The Knitting Machine!!!!!! 💪

"you know the drill" Me: "well...I know OF The Drill but I wouldn't say we were close... 🫤 "

Early bird gets to pick the main character of the day