is Dow Jones Indiana's Brother?

I don’t even know what to wear to a coup

Trump's approval ratings are at a seven decade low for a president at midterm. You have permission to join me in a happy dance.

They say that money doesn't grow on trees but that's literally where paper comes from.

The only two Icelandic musicians I know are both awesome. I bet they all are. Looking at you Bjork and Emiliana Torrini.

C'mon God, couldn't you have made pubic hair just a little shorter?

I love it when I’m hitchhiking across the desert and a semi carrying ufo parts races by, gently moving my sideburns in the breeze

That's a very international haircut you've got there.

Help me out people - how do I get Jane Seymour's magical fountain of youth blood transfused into my body?

If I owned a garbage truck, my company tagline would totally be "We'll grab your junk"

There should be an Olympics for cats, but for how long they can sleep.

A guy was wearing a black shirt over a white one. I mistook him for a priest and he was ill equipped to handle my confession.

What my mind sees when Canadians say "out and about."

Tombstone is an ominous name for on overly processed frozen pizza that will eventually kill you.

Only president I respect is Washington because he said this job totally sucks someone else do it

All my skeets are scheduled. I’m actually fucking right now.

The origin of "save draft" meant people holding their farts in.

Dick Shaker United States, Census, 1940

redaction grill marks on a bbq'd nation

Watching the 2-person luge competition at the Olympics, and seeing the front rider lay flat against the person in the back, reminds me of flying economy class, and having the passenger in the seat in front of you recline their seat all the way back. You’re stuck!

Started at the bottom, I’m still here

I lament how unstylish my pair of cement shoes are

Going to start shaving my pubic hair into a goatee and talking in a french accent.

Some people like squishy middles. Some people like burnt corners. What I’m saying is if you unhinge your lower jaw you can eat it all at once

I think they fucked up when they named Willem Dafoe. Willem Dafriend is more like it.

I impress her most with my fly killing skills.

Every man should be forced to create a women’s dating profile and catfish other men just to learn how fucked up some other men can be.

As a kid I never imagined I’d be richer than my dad, older than Batman, and smarter than the President.

Have you been to my island? (it’s in the kitchen with mail on it)

I’d touch your curling stone an extra time with my finger, if you know what I mean…

I’m tired of spiders thinking they can go anywhere they want! Show me your papers!

Get up get up it’s Monday we have to go do random things for total dipshits all week so we can update our iPhones!

i march to the beat of my own drum (flailing wildly like a tool song)

Just another Manwich Monday

Well, this made me laugh.

Me working on my drafts

Getting a little burnt out on the Olympics when do the Ozempics start up again

All a girl wants is to be smeared in chocolate, put in a mug, heated up, topped with marshmallows, and slurped up. Is that so hard to ask?

Hotcakes are just pancakes that wear that low cut top and are looking to get lucky

I spoke with Bill Withers a few years back🙄 and told him "Ain't No Sunshine" is poor grammar.. He said "I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know..."

But have you tried raining on someone else’s parade about it

I took my 12 year old out for brunch and asked if there was anything he wanted to talk about. He paused and asked me why some people grow mustaches.

Bring me the head of a pedophile on a platter

Seductively laying on top of a heart shaped bed of 650,000 pounds of recalled tater tots, holding up a bottle of Heinz 57 at just the right angle and giving it a little slap on the sweet spot, "Get over here and let's get risky, Babe."

I’m listening to a song that has the lyrics, “some say love, it’s a burning thing.” Bro, I think that’s called chlamydia.

Knockoff Billie Eilish called Billie Eilishish.

Gonna tell my kids this is Skyrizi...

The smartest singer of the 1950’s was Johnny Mathis, Sciences & Engineering.

I just watched The Mummy for the first time, and can't help thinking... after they found out Imhotep was afraid of cats, why didn't they just strap cats to themselves for the rest of the movie.