I'm on the west coast, so do I just watch the rapture happen on the east coast for a few hours before it hits here?

Celebrating fall by wearing socks with Croc's.

Methinks the ICE beverage company is regretting their name these days.

Let's just say I am the.. "you don't back into a parking spot to make it easier for car thieves you fucking idiot.." years old ..generation

Popeye’s chicken? Better not let Popeye hear you say that.

People don’t mean half the words they say and don’t understand the other half they use.

Trump is the ultimate trophy kid. His sycophants give him one every time he enters a room.

When I first started here I allowed anyone to reply to my posts so yes, I’ve made it through some really hard times

No I haven’t found Jesus, did you look behind the couch?

This rapture could have been an email.

Sorry I had to mute your account due to you never re-skeeting anyone. It's like watching someone masturbate in public.

People are like dude. The rapture is coming. Yes. Less traffic. Less assholes. I don’t see a downside.

Bible: Only God knows when the rapture is. Pastor: Hey everyone, the rapture is September 23. Christians: The rapture is September 23!!! * Why are some Christians so dumb these days?

Can we change BREAKING NEWS to HEART BREAKING NEWS already?

Another reason Elon is a horrible person. Jesus. youtu.be/6ltU9q1pKKM?...

Sending before and after pictures of my freshly waxed butthole to my boss just to feel something

“You have such nice skin.” “Thanks, I cry a lot.”

Jesus: love thy neighbor Christians throughout history: Ok, so conquer the world & kill anyone who gets in the way, force people into slavery and elect Trump? Got it! Jesus: wtf

Beets by Dre

Me: **sneezes** Credit Scores: **drops 37 points**

It's crazy how everything gets taken from black people. The word woke (which used to be a positive of being aware of racism and injustice) has somehow morphed to now apply to the far right, now known as the woke right. It's turned into the whiny, cancel-culture state-of-being of thin-skinned bigots.

Journalist: Can you explain dropping that bomb directly on a baby? Israelis: It was a military target.

Friend: hey, are you free on… Me: no, I have to like and repost that day

When I find a good parking spot, I say, "Oooo a Costanza," and my kids are like, is dad having a stroke?

My weight loss program includes purchasing a ton of fresh fruits and vegetables and giving them ample time in the fridge to mold over and expire

Make America Healthy Again

Our community theater is doing a production called "The Dictionary". It's a play on words.

Funny how men wouldn't vote for a woman to be president because she'll be "emotional" yet they're cool with cry baby trump wiping out people that say mean things about him 🤦🏿

Can we stop with the 'America was founded as a #Christian nation' lies? Jesus never told His followers "kill the kings soldiers, take over the country so you didn’t have to pay taxes, then kill all the native peoples & ship in black people from other nations for slaves" smh & spit on the ground…

If you notice a tourist in a Waffle House it is your civic duty to start a fist fight to ensure they get the full experience.

Who called it masturbating while crying? When 'tear jerker' was right there.

I believe in annoyed at first sight.

I am still perplexed that the term “woke” is an insult…

Presidential dementia as political policy is working out super dee-dooper.

ICEholes.

Kindness folks, you never fucking know when helping a neighbor fucking scores you 1/2 bottle of whiskey

I was watching a clip from Faux News yesterday, and one commentator was like, "I'm not so sure about the pressure from FCC (re Kimmel), I mean when Democrats are in power, they could come after us." And another said "good point." Hey dipshits, that should be the first thing you think of.

Whitehouse press release: "All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others"

Join my used book club I will be forming soon after everyone cancels all their bootlicker streaming services and we revert to the old days.

Pssst: it’s not an old white guy that is going to save us all

That sounds amazing! I can’t go. - people with kids

The GOP hasn't offered a solution to real problems in over a decade. Their whole playbook has been to make up an issue & act offended. It's an effective distraction to ensure we war with drag queens not drug prices. The behavior needs a name and needs to be recognized - Social Distraction Warriors.

His Internet went out so he's shitposting in the streets.

Hopelessly stuck in this world while dreaming of one where humanity has discovered how to combine human DNA with seahorse DNA

Reverse cowgirl because she's backing up her truck.

Kimmel is just the latest face of the disease. It doesn't matter if you like him personally or not. There will be many, many more.

Getting ready to walk the dog and four fucks, half a kilo of gummy bears and a Get Well Soon card fell out of my vagina I went to pick them up and three more fucks and a primal scream fell out The dog is ok but now I will worry every time I bend over that the world will know my vagina is haunted

Despite her assertions to the contrary, the plaintiff has failed to prove that I, in any way, smelt it.

This is one of the most brilliant pieces of satire I've ever seen 🏆🏆🏆 youtu.be/_GXNJ3V9lzg?...