why Elmo when Elrojo was there all along

Burlington Scrote Factory

“Phew, it’s gonna be a hot one this summer!” I exclaim as I lift my long tiddies to air dry the skin under them.

Most people don't know the line "I'm runnin down the road tryin to loosen my load" is about his laxatives not working.

Sometimes my daughter will discreetly make toast to make me think I'm having a stroke

Safari is a fancy word that means voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain

Autocorrect changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis so now my kid is leaving me for a dad that's much younger and drives a sports car

If we are all god’s children then I’m the one that eats paste

Ripping up the carpet to my pelvic floor and finding beautiful hard wood.

draft Venn diagram for my PhD

The sun is sunning and the grackles are grackalackin.

To the nimrods who have electric cars and park in the electric car spot with the charger and then don't use the charger...don't do that.

Our power grid is in better shape this summer, thanks to solar and batteries [via @canarymedia.com]

Anyone for tennis? *John McEnroe raises hand Anyone else for tennis?

As I go to sleep I leave you with my wish for you. May you have a nice solid poo tomorrow. One that makes you feel like you accomplished something and leaves a spring in your step.

As a moderately hairy bloke, I would like to profess my love for my bidet. A clean ass makes your day a bit brighter.

trying to hide my disappointment when the waiter brings the salad which is not, in fact, the size of a house

Alright chat, AMN time! 30 mins. Ask Me Nothing. Don’t you dare put your questions below. I wont answer them. Leave me alone.

Waiting...

socks are just feet underwear

Wait, Flo Rida isn't a tampon brand?

If bands were named according to how bad they are: - Kid Schlock - Blowasis - Piss - Vanilla Lice - Skid Mark - Ted Poogent - Kidz Slop - Nickelwhack - Counting Woes - Bootie & The Woefish - Peed - Pop A Roach In My Mouth - 3 Bores Down - Holdplay (aka Pause) - Poo 2 - Shinefrown

Was trying to get my 5yo to hurry up and she said "calm down, bro"

Started a new relationship with a girl from another nation, what nation you ask...Imagination

Star 69 sounds so dirty.

when you jerk off ice cubes long enough you get ice cream

"What if we had a concert and none of the bands showed up?"

If I had to do it all over again I’d be a professional horse de-shedder.

I'd watch the White House cage fight if it's Mamdani vs Trump.

Bezos after his rocket exploded...

We've reached top tier Idiocracy status.

Wish I had some bacon and world peace.

It was the worst of times It was the most corrupt of times Dickens in 2026

Me: Chicago’s ‘Hard to Say I’m Sorry’ is a perfect example of expressing emotional trauma in song. Therapist: Don’t even think about plugging in that Casio

Just gonna start calling Trump President Homelander. Same guy.

Sometimes at my feather inspector job I felt down.

Dick so girthy it reminds you of your Nona’s forearms, which really kills the mood cuz she died recently and you forgot to bake her famous lasagna for the funeral which disappointed the guests which means you let Nona down cuz she was a great host anyway you’re crying now so lets snuggle instead.

If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she'd be Ella Vader. Get it??

And then I threw my head back and laughed and laughed.

So I guess everyone's grandma's closet is now high fashion.

“Help us, Bowie-wan. You’re our only hope.”

Not sure what it means but this is a top notch rhyme. Beastie Boys.

okay darth maul show is fun so far but i can't get over the insurance commercial guy being a jedi lol

Makes me laugh to see Disney cruiseship ads right now trying to get you to go on a cruise with a giant mouse.

being a poltergeist with all the slamming doors and cold chills seems like a lot of work so when I die I want a low-key ghost position like inhabiting one of those portraits with the eyes that follow you around the room

Humans calling other species “invasive” as if we aren’t the OG’s of that shit.

I’m tired and “The Facts of Life” girls are all older than Mrs. Garrett.

Pronouncing twat like spat is the only correct way to say it.

As I've gotten older, I have to shake the dew off the willy so much that I am afraid I've killed willy.