I love a day when my brain is like "Of course you feel sick, dickhead. You're dehydrated. You never drink enough!" and my body is like "Oh BTW the process of drinking any liquids is going to repulse me today and make you feel sick lol enjoy"

omg wasps why are you like, so obsessed with my house?

Oh yeah, I forgot I have to work again tomorrow. I should probably go to fucking bed or whatever. Such a load of bullshit.

When I get a new follower

Baby, let's hold hands and walk into incoming traffic.

Happy Thank Fuck That Bitch Is Fucking Dead day to Margaret Thatcher and all who (rightly) celebrate her eventual demise.

If I were a bus driver I would 100% make the doors chomp on people and be like “oh my gosh I’m so sorry he’s just really hungry right now” and then chomp on them again and then get fired

Oh yeah, forget about good old fashioned regular insomnia lol

Well at least I can try and sleep now that the feeling of needing to violently throw up because of the state of the world is starting to disappear slightly.

things that make you go "bleugh"

I’m so proud of people who create and do their craft even when the world is completely overwhelming. Even if it’s a doodle, a word, a single pirouette—I’m proud of you for still going.

Ok I guess a monochrome Monday opportunity presented itself. Of course there's a cat, that's the only way this is going to do any numbers.

If I don't see your skeet today it's because this app is a piece of shit.

Ioad bearing vagina, is this anything?

Depluralize a movie. The dude of the ring.

Depluralize a movie. The Breakfast Guy

deplurailze a movie the bird

Depluralize a movie. 1 Fast 1 Furious

Sometimes you just need to listen to a bunch of Scottish guys sing a sub-4 minute song that's positive about love.

*youth pastor voice* You know who else was into body piercing?

when you wear cuff links to a fight it’s called sophistacuffs

(robbing a pharmacy) I’m pillaging.

Getting caked up for Jesus (sitting my fat arse on the sofa eating cake)

The Roman guard, hands on his hips, “well I’ll be darned…this is gonna be a toughie to explain.”

packing the bowl for jesus; lighting and smoking it for me

Today's shirt:

Eating porridge for lunch like an absolute heathen because fuck Jesus.

there are lots of valid reasons to hate AI, but honestly the #1 in my mind is that the companies pushing it are a bunch of sneering ghouls. they don’t give a single shit about any of us. they just want us to eat their slop, no matter what it is. I will not accept that and give them what they want.

who's leaving out nails and a hammer for jesus tonight?

I need somebody to lie directly to my face and tell me things are going to be ok

Happy caturday to you from these two incorrectly assembled individuals.

heres a song from loz ocarina of time

How bad have things got, you ask? I haven't even *thought* about jackin' off in at least the last two weeks. Probably longer.

*talking into my shirt cuff again* Burrito has been neutralised. Repeat: NEUTRALISED.

the longer you make me sit here waiting the more my ass is gonna sweat, dr. butthole man

*talking into an imaginary microphone in my shirt cuff* Burrito is en route, I repeat, burrito is en route.

i made a thing

I don't look like Jesus anymore but I did when I had long hair so today would be the perfect day to off myself even though he didn't do that SHUT UP this makes sense in my head.

I ran out of butter to use in my sandwich at lunch today, so I just slapped a load more sandwich pickle in there. In case you were wondering how far I've fallen.

Goddamn it I need to feel someone from the inside.

People who write "Hi Matt" in a Teams message and then nothing else and expect me to reply before they say more words: grow the fuck up. Ask your question, I don't have time for these games.

Well my birthday month has finally rolled around (no I'm not telling you which day), and I'm telling you right now, as is tradition I'm going to HATE every minute of it.

i love atpro (adenosine triphosphate ro)

I have to get up and work in the morning after being off for 10 days and I legit would rather die right now.

If you're trans and you're seeing this, whether the world knows you are or not, know that I love you. And if you're not already living as the person you want to be, I hope that dream comes true for you. You deserve it. You matter. Just as much as any straight, cis, white guy like me 🏳️‍⚧️

That's a nice Easter ham, would be a shame if I put it between S and E

Need to force myself to do the productive things that need doing before I'm back at work tomorrow even though I feel like shit. Being an adult fucking sucks.

Why yes I am feeling incredibly sorry for myself today, how did you guess?

Knowing I need to get laid and also being on meds that apparently fuck with my brain and desire is one hell of a fucking combination.

I see you peeking back there 👀🌅 #goodmorning #sunrise