Edging myself for the next 11 hours so I'm ready to drop the mother of all sock loads on the stroke of midnight

Little help, people. Which aspect of my personality is it exactly that activates the "This person seems like he cares. Ghost him lol" section of other people's brains? You know, so I can kill it.

Just cleaned both the filters on my vacuum cleaner for the first time. One monthly clean, one yearly. I've owned this appliance for 5 years. Yes of course I know how to adult.

Pay attention to what you're reading in the want ads. I needed to burn down my business, but ended up with an arborist.

🏃🏃‍♀️🏃‍♂️ the floor is strava 🏃🏃‍♀️🏃‍♂️

[to the tune of “happy” by pharrell] clap along if you feel like a butt without a boof

I don’t kink shame, I say “Kink? Same!”

There’s a red flag warning for this part of Georgia by noon today and it’s just nice to be finally be recognized by the national weather service.

What idiot called it "having sex at midnight on new year's eve" when Auld Bang Syne was right there?

Letter from hospital to my doctor: "Please begin treatment with [drug name] at dose x, increasing to dose y as required to relieve pain symptoms" My doctor's surgery:

Less than 36 hours left to fulfill my 2025 resolution of satisfying a hot chick with a fetish for killing guys with sex. It's not looking good 😔

Make a film cheaper: Richie Comfortable

Pee and poop use gravity to exit the body. But what if they ejaculated out like jizz? In this essay...

watch me catch this roadrunner

TIRED: the futility of art WIRED: the utility of fart

The greater the sadness - the baggier the clothes

Though he was no sponge, he remained aloofah haha I'm not even sorry haha

in 2026 we're doing it. we're finally calling boobs "chest nuts"

ME: oh look, someone reposted that skeet from before—you know, the one that didn’t land (no, the other one) so maybe i’m *not* the only one who thinks i’m funny… ALSO ME: oh wait. it was me, i reposted it. i *am* the only one who thinks i’m funny

Dear god somebody please stop me from buying all the geology/paleontology t-shirts. I can't be trusted!

minimum wage is still $7.25 ($2.13 for servers/bartenders) here is a short list of people who need to go in a volcano

Caressing the buttocks of life

For a lot of reasons my dream of being a manic pixie dream girl bassist in a slopcore band still hasn't come true.

The Steelers really are gonna end up with the season I predicted, and hoped for before week 1: Winning record to keep Tomlin's steak alive, but miss the playoffs because Rodgers is mediocre at best. Get that prick out the door as soon as the season is done.

death is proof good things happen to bad people

don’t call it a “NYE party” if my boy bill ain’t gonna be involved

Me at 25: By middle age, you should own nice home and have a thriving showbiz career Me at middle age: *in an okay apartment, very into squirrels*

sometimes you just have to hold your cat up in front of a mirror and say “dats u” to remind them that they’re real

Today's life lesson: No matter how much you care about a person and want to support them, they'll get tired of you soon enough. Or maybe that's just a lesson for me.

Oh hey there, yes I'm fine thanks. Hmm? Oh, no, the fact that I haven't dressed for the last 3 days is totally unrelated I can assure you…

With the death of Bardot, the world's racists have become significantly less attractive.

"He laughed before the punchline." You mean? "Yes, he suffers from premature jocularity."

omg girl you don’t need a nose job, you’re beautiful just the way you are *me, drunk talking to an opossum

Don't talk to me while I'm power washing Wallace and Gromit's basement.

My birthstone is the Chicxulub asteroid

Please don't stress me out while I'm spiralling (I'm always spiralling)

Laying in bed at 00:21 hoping for the sweet release of sleep* *death

Boy are you my boogers cause I’m gonna blow you

Googling "how to care about my own wellbeing and appearance" and just hitting "I'm feeling lucky"

Some really dogshit calls in this Pop Tarts Bowl, who the fuck are these officials?

Time to try and eat something without puking. Good luck future me.

Anybody want a cat? His qualities include: Never leaving you in peace for a single second, desperately trying to climb up in your face and scratching the shit out of you in the process, and sneezing directly into your open mouth.

How I'm walking out of 2025

What's everyone's favourite Avatar quote? Mine is: Aragorn: [to Frodo] If by my life or death I can protect you, I will. You have my sword... Legolas: And you have my bow. Gimli: And *my* Avatar

Me: Oh my god, why are you guys so obsessed with me?! Leave me alone! Them: Sir, do you know how fast you were just going? Me: What do I look like, some kinda fucking nerd?

parent's dog is named "Harpo." 4 year old is now calling him "Barfo"

Cru for Prez: Vote Early, Vote Often!

How The Grinch Stole My Will To Live

Did That Chicken Burger Just Cool Really Quickly Or Am I About To Have Food Poisoning?: A Memoir