My mother said I didn’t live up to my potential but I got 6 likes on my last post so WHO’S LAUGHING NOW MOM

If you haven't liked my new inky pal yet, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU??

Sneezed while squatting, didn't pee - hmu, baby

Not now kitten, daddy stopped having a clear idea of how you look in his mind so your whole self is dissolving because you're just a figment of his imagination

Me and the fellas are gonna be the darkness at the edge of the forest awakened by the blood of the innocent to curse the crops of the peasants later if you wanna come through

drinking American Pepsi (Pepyes)

I appreciate the hour drive to work. It gives me time to listen to podcasts, sing along to my favorite tunes, and have an absolute mental collapse as I replay an embarrassing thing I did 15 years ago.

Be kinder to yourself and much, much meaner to fascists.

I'll start going to church when it's mandatory to be either drunk or high

Now is a great time to listen to Nine Inch Nails and be horny about it

ironic that unicorns represent purity and chastity when we can all see that they’re super horny

flop sunday, my day of worship

let the talk to text typos be just leaf them alone ok

Spending Sunday as the lord intended; questioning why you all hated my Saturday skeets.

FOUR measley likes? Why do you all hate black cats?

Crowdwork Comedian at the Riyadh Comedy Festival. So…are you two a couple? Do not talk to my wife. Heyyyy…no problem. What do you do for a living sir? Oil. What about you sir, what do you do? I murder journalists.

Change a movie by adding a word The Skills Matrix

did you guys know that just 2 marijuana joints can contain more concentrated THC than one

What's your sign?

Here we fucking go again.

shit my pants trying to animorph myself into a gator

The weekends are for posting. The weekdays, that's right, also for posting.

I really don't think it's too much to ask for everybody to pay attention to me, but like, not in a way that draws attention to me.

Really wish I didn't rely on this place so heavily for my dopamine while most other people are out having real lives, but chronic pain do be fucking me up.

Fool me once, shame on you Fool me twice, shame on me Fool me 3 times, shame on me Fool me 4 times, shame on me (Keep going, I’m really gullible)

Considering creating an alt just to post all my most fucked up and feral thoughts.

Man Utd, Chelsea, Liverpool, AND Real Madrid all losing on the same day? What dream world is this I'm living in??

Oh THOSE depressed looking zombies? Yeah, that's just the existential dead

I would once again like to extend my sincere thanks to the Manchester United men's team for their services to comedy in professional football.

🎵 Take me down to the Paradise City Where the grass is green and the train hits me at 100mph turning my physical form into a cloud of viscera Take me home 🎵

“👻” - scare quote

Like fucking clockwork…

Sure I'm awake, but what a price to pay.

ive been hired to work at a casino for giants and its a really big deal

you really know howta make a girl interested (in seeing other people)

Watching people react to hearing B.Y.O.B. for the first time with no warning whatsoever will never get old for me.

There once was a girl from Regina Who poked apples into her vagina Now she was tormented When the apples fermented But she’d never had cider taste finer

Me: passionately ranting about an inconvenience Him: *solves it in 2.5 seconds* Me: no actually I wanted to marinate in my suffering for a minute

As an Eileen, sometimes I’m paranoid someone just wants to sleep with me so next time they hear that Dexy’s Midnight Runners song they can say “I did”

The work week is over. As an old internet friend from Twitter used to say, it's time to fire the imbibing cannon!

Can you please tell that bully inside your head to calm the fuck down? I'm trying to enjoy you in all your beauty, and it's like that annoying guy at the movies yelling at the screen. Kthanks.

I don’t have a caffeine problem. I have an ADHD ‘solution.’

Why yes, I have been internally screaming since I woke up 3 hours ago. Does it show?

*cums in cursive*

the inferno is my favorite poem about one man's journey to climb past satan's butthole

Oh great, a clone of myself just showed up at my place and started eating all the food in the fridge. I knew I shouldn't have given onlyfans that thumb drive of my genome for age verification.

ever eat a kid’s meal at a restaurant, then get beat up by their parents

Bloodshed is where blood keeps its yard tools

When laying in bed I have 2 configurations. 1: Body so tired, brain AWAKE 2: Brain so tired, body HAVE TO POOP