We’re at peak greed when the president brags about 24k gold décor for the White House while cutting commissaries, healthcare, and social nets. A palace of glitter for him, an empty pantry and hospital bill for you.

There's no high like a falutin high.

Your regular reminder that residents of Puerto Rico are American citizens. This shouldn't be a difficult concept to grasp and yet...

you can tell a lot about a woman by the way she breaks a beer bottle over your head

Some dads have snacks, some dads are snacks. And other dads are snacc’s and have snax. Send.

things have gotten so bad that even the Care Bears have run out of fucks to give

The same guy telling you Portland is war-ravaged, told you Mexico was going to pay for the wall and people were eating your pets in Ohio.

why say “agree to disagree” when what you actually mean is “hey why don’t you just shut the fuck up, moron”

Putting my glasses on so I can see how far to fuck off.

Listen, everyone is going to put their heads down on their desks and close their eyes, and whoever broke this timeline can fix it, no questions asked.

Starbucks is a shitty company with even shittier coffee

Republicans can’t win on their policies, so they are trying to dodge accountability by rewriting the rules. These lawmakers are going out of their way to silence the will of the people and deliberately undermine our democracy.

babe, I know you want some but just chill for a minute the AARP magazine came today I want to check in on the latest

Wake up, America, or I fear we may not have elections in 2028.

Lacking moral fiber? Introducing Moralmucil. Ad executive: how did you get this number?

You were Left Behind for a reason: To create shareholder value.

He’s a 10 but he still hasn’t unpacked his emergency rapture bag

you’re not gonna belch your way outta this hinge date, Charlie Brown

Attractive people tell the funniest jokes

taking tylenol PM so i am only autistic at night

I can't help feeling I could have done more with my angry years.

If they really wanted to save late night they'd move it to 7:30pm.

Welcome to your 50s. You don’t lose weight, it hides somewhere and jumps out in group photos.

Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just try to park my car in there.

Just tried to do a sit up, and I think I pulled a fat.

be kind, because everyone you meet is fighting a silent battle you know nothing about (I myself am fighting an army of ninjas)

I held on loosely but I let go I guess I clung too tightly and I lost control the end

I didn’t know WKRN was maga gross

When Oligarchs, like the Sinclair family, censor us, it's clear that unelected, entitled, self-serving rich folks have too much power.

Just another reason to cut the cord with cable & satellite. More and more local ABC, NBC, and MSNBC affiliates are controlled by right wing corporations and it's going to get much worse if the FCC approves the Nexstar-Tenga merger. Get your local news elsewhere and watch Kimmel & Colbert on YouTube!

Billionaire philanthropist MacKenzie Scott has donated $70 million to the UNCF, the largest private provider of scholarships to minority students.

Thank god my mom just did Valium and Virginia Slims when she was pregnant with me

Thought I was experiencing the rapture but it turned out that it was just gas.

We have one big upset on the year, let's believe we can get another. Hail State!

Look I'm not the man to do this but if somebody isn't making a supercut of Rapturetok influencers realizing they have to remain on this dogshit planet right now then I don't even know why I have a computer anymore.

Thanks John Oliver

Lyndon B. Johnson's response to satire

"If we’ve learned nothing else from this administration’s second term so far, and I don’t think we have, is that giving the bully your lunch money doesn’t make him go away, it just makes him come back hungrier each time. They are never going to stop.”

[spelling bee] Your word is 'bananas' Gwen Stefani: *whispering to herself* c'mon Gwen, you know this

got scammed by some fucking hippy band. knew i shouldn’t have opened that email from Phish

I wish the rapture would happen but just to people who believe in the rapture

let’s start calling sweatpants, pajama pants, and any other non-constricting soft pants “boneless pants”

I think my boss is sick of me calling him "toots"

Sorry, can't. Spending quality time with my anxiety.

*my funeral son: I guess we're going to need our own phone plan

The sheer amount of stupid has overwhelmed me, I got nothing but spite.