#ColorADay #PinkMon More pretty pink peonies, plucked…💕

I just find it especially frustrating to see vote cheating accusations from people who just publicly gerrymandered all their controlled states to oblivion.

Just put Italian dressing on my Mexican salad if you’re looking for a bad boy

A doctor stuck his finger up my ass today, which was super weird since I was only there to install a couple of electrical receptacles

It's cute how Velveeta shells and cheese think I can get 3 servings out of that box

Mike Johnson lies like a grifting 1980s televangelist.

I sold my soul for $51/agreed to receive marketing texts for a discount code and free shipping.

Jenny & the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. Thankfully, she’ll be home with her cats soon.

So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it's cute, but when I do it I'm "in need of an intervention"?

Then one day you wake up and you’re like, you know what? I totally respect weeds

I hope you can forgive yourself for the things you did when you were in survival mode.

When I smell fresh Indian bread in the next room I have naan sense.

I only save your terrible selfies

The only thing that keeps me going is pure stubbornness. And maybe a little hope. It's day to day.

who you are at a four-way stop is the real you

just bc you're an idiot it doesn't make me an asshole for pointing it out

cop: i.d. please. me: {i hand him a photo of me posing with a coyote.} cop: okay, move along.

Imposing martial law on midtown Manhattan so an incontinent bigot with dementia can fall asleep in public during a basketball game is truly wild.

eating chia seeds to grow a lush head of bob ross hair in my colon

They call themselves the Gulabi Gang. After surviving abuse, Sampat Pal Devi helped build a movement of 400,000 women in India determined to protect each other and fight back against violence. When nobody came to save them, they saved each other. #SheShed

“High how are you” is always my answer to how I’m doing

they should invent a sourdough finisher

Was last week the worst week of the #TrumpRegime? This week is not looking any better ✔️Tantrum blowback continues ✔️People demand he NOT attend Game 3 of Knicks vs Spurs ✔️Lawsuit filed to block UFC fights ✔️ #IranWarFiasco ✔️Blanche & Pulte noms in trouble open.substack.com/pub/heatherc...

I’ll never understand people who take up multiple parking spaces. Bro, the bumper is already falling off your civic

Anyone who watched that man throw a hissy fit and walk out of the interview and still thinks women are too emotional to lead needs their head checked.

They're not walls. They're shields.

it’s bullshit i can’t take pictures of my cash like i do with checks and deposit them

I keep my friends close, but my enemies closer, and the people I don’t care about at all the closest.

(about to really piss my kids off) WHO'S READY FOR CHOREMAXXING?

I still haven't seen a proper explanation as to why that interview was being conducted on the set of Hee Haw.

“I’ve heard so much about you “ -me forgetting someone’s name immediately

“Oh yes, I know exactly what you mean” ~ me whenever I have no idea what you mean

It takes more muscles to frown than to smile, but it's totally worth it.

dunking a xanax in my coffee like it’s a teeny tiny donut

to quote a great philosopher i'm somewhere where i don't know where i am (homer simpson)

not everyone was kung fu fighting. some of us were just trying to put on a sweater.

can’t wait to be a total slut for the next person that decides to love me

Movies titles that could be horror: “What's Eating Gilbert Grape”

Eenie Meenie Miney Mo is short for Eenie Meenie Miney Mortimer

stuff has been falling randomly from my tables and counters so I’m happy to announce my house is officially haunted with the ghosts of my unfinished projects

It's all fun and games until you break a nail

If you’re missing a plate because you didn’t plan on me taking food home, that’s called a Mexican goodbye

My cryptocurrency “BiteMeCoin”, doesn’t care if you invest or die.

bff: you know that’s for your car me, eating a donut i found in the trunk: what

the Invisalign thstays on during thsexth

OPINION: "When I took a trip with my father to Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, in the spring of 2002, American ethos was still simmering. The nation’s emotional wounds had not yet begun to heal seven months after the unimaginable attack on Sept. 11, 2001," Andrew Bell writes.

When I visit a new swimming pool I first decide which is my brooding corner.

Not going to debate whether humans have rights, that’s not a “political disagreement” that’s a deal-breaker

there are two kinds of people in this world: people who I think are mad at me but aren’t and people who are actually infuriated with me and I have no clue