I bet you didn’t know your favorite toy as a kid says a lot about who you are today

Dave's Room Temperature Chicken

As a child star, I thought I had my whole future ahead of me. Which was technically true.

It’s called the Grand Old Party because they are all 1,000 years old

People always say "pick your poison". But I don't want poison - I want chocolate. What idiot chooses poison?

The pressure to forgive people who've hurt you, simply because they're related to you, is complete and utter bullshit.

White House: the witness’s allegations are “completely baseless” and “backed by zero credible evidence.” Fact: FBI found her credible enough to interview repeatedly, and she received a financial settlement from the Epstein estate.

*races to airport *hurdles through security *sees her at boarding gate *shouts her name *she turns and sees me *romantic music swells “I RAN OVER YOUR CAT”

[David Attenborough holding me in a headlock] Stop calling tiger sharks sea raccoons

okay life damn im done with the conflict portion of my story can i move on to resolution please

who called it horse shit when whinny the poo was right there

We go to a different daylight.

The Live Nation trial could reshape the music industry. Here’s what you need to know wpln.org/post/the-liv...

The Tennessee Environmental Council organized a statewide tree sale to help the state's canopy — and the deadline to reserve trees is Sunday. wpln.org/post/tenness...

his entire cabinet is just a bunch of weirdo bumbling cartoon villains

The older I get the more I appreciate Ben Kenobi.

i wanna see the CEO of Captain Crunch Berries eat a spoonful of Captain Crunch Berries without wincing

Things that are tougher than Markwayne Mullin: -the oil stain on my driveway -an Amish clothespin -my deceased grandmother’s bursitis -this bagel I’m eatin -a single scale from the wing of a monarch butterfly bound for a forest in Mexico -fiestaware

Can the hour we lose tonight be the one where I’m awake wondering why I even exist

pulling out a flip phone when my boss asks me to install an authenticator from the app store

Might call my slight inconvenience ‘Orwellian’

To add a little whimsy to your day why not get a squeaky toy surgically implanted into your buttocks and just marvel at the endless hilarity that ensues every time you sit down?

Bananas Foster is Australian for Bananas Beer.

[25 seconds into marathon] lol nope

Who among us doesn't want bolder brows?

my anxiety is on multiple side quests

Congratulations DHS Secretary Stephen miller on continuing to be DHS Secretary

The Breathe Right nasal strips stay on during sex

Last time i was raptured they were all like no way, bro

no longer allowed to listen to Wake Me Up Before You Go Go while pumping gas

My Mother asked me what GTFO stands for online?. I told her it was a way of closing emails to say "Grow Together, Find Optimism." She's been kicked out of her Garden Club.

maybe we need more hot baths and less hot takes

markwayne is not a real name. we literally don’t have to listen to anything a person with that name says

I swear that this is a race to the fucking bottom.

I’m not playing, I am legit hard to get.

gas is up sixty plus cents per gallon in the last few days, but I'm sure that has nothing to do with our carrying an illegal and immoral war of distraction.. right?

Gather ye rosebuds mfrs

Last year when I was checking into a hotel, the desk person was wearing Meta glasses. I kindly asked them to take them off. They were annoyed. I said, “I do not consent to you looking at my credit card and ID with Meta glasses on.” My instincts were correct: www.bbc.com/news/article...

I know I sound crazy but instead of spending a billion dollars in a day to kill people in another country we should try spending a billion dollars in a day to help people in this country.

I want to stay home and talk to my dog about squirrels

caffeine is not enough today, I need to chew on a power line

There are too many words so I just want to say this one: FUCK!

Can’t afford Ozempic, so I’m ordering a couple tapeworms.

I gave up trying to understand song lyrics after I listened to that one Yes song in 1979

pronounce steamers with sh where the s’s are - now you sound like my neighbor who never returned my horse shoes game

remember when we used to experience joy

It’s not just that the Administration isn’t answering questions about Iran. They’re lying.

Writing a folk song about her gastrointestinal issues isn't the panty dropper you'd think it'd be.

All's fair in love and war when you're a dick.

ChatGPT told me you've been asking about some weird shit.