Me: I'm ready for the cavity search. Dentist: Please don't call it that.

Hey boss, can’t come in today. Bad case of internal bleeding.

*logs off news* If anyone needs me I’ll be down in the dirt crawlspace counting slugs and blowing spit bubbles

I had no idea egos could suffer from internal bleeding

First thing you should do when you get to prison is walk into the bathroom and announce you have to go tinkly winkly

Gingivitis would be a beautiful name for a girl.

stop telling women to calm down and start giving them a reason to feel calm

Technically taxidermists can also do your taxes and drive taxis.

So from one fucking bitch to another, let’s say it plainly: We know what happened to Renee Nicole Good. We know what those words meant. We know he murdered her.

Greenland: No.No.No Pedophile Protector: so that’s a yes?

Everyone is fighting a battle that you may know nothing about. For instance, I have vanilla scented hand soap in my bathroom and so every time I sit at my desk to write, I have to resist the urge to chew on my fingers because they smell delicious.

It's telling that the GOP is able to take libertarians for granted as supporters. Sure sign of how libertarians don't take their own damn values seriously and are so ready to compromise on them.

America has never been a free country, the government is just being honest about it now

If you fight for the rights of immigrants, you're a patriot.

Nothing new to add but I've never let that stop me from posting

Knowing the facts is not the same as embracing them.

That weird buzzing noise you’re hearing? That’s just the sound of your thoughts getting louder.

Trainer: what’s your favorite machine here? Me: the vending machine

Sometimes our silly little jokes are all we have in this dark world.

I use a day planner as if there’s any hope.

Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be Proud Boys

I don't even give a shit about football, I just want to see Aaron Rodgers and Brett Favre suffer. Oh and lots of humiliation too 🚬

comic strip about an office worker turned assassin who goes after the man who created him Killbert

listen here son, when I was your age I had to walk 10 miles uphill in a snowstorm to get pornography

You know things are going well at work when HR names a new conduct policy after you.

Please respect my piracy at this time

Antiques Roadshow is the #1 trending topic on Bluesky rn and this is the type of world I want to live in

knowing how to merge properly should give you a tax break

If my grandpa knew how little we spent on his funeral, he’d turn over in his cardboard box.

when Eminem falls into a black hole it’s called mom’s spaghettification

You know you're getting old when you have to turn your music down to park your car.

Just choked on my own saliva if you are looking for a sex kitten

It's not wrong to call the president a Motherfucker, it IS wrong to call this Motherfucker a president

"Ancient scientists understood the importance of deferring to specialists and listening to expert advice. However, they were also keen for their readers to understand where scientists acquire knowledge and how scientific facts can be verified." theconversation.com/5-lessons-ab...

sometimes I wonder if Einstein's friends were ever able to say "nice work, Einstein" without sounding sarcastic

Bring back a time when weekends felt like a reward instead of a recovery period

I could be wrong but it looks like that federal reserve chair Powell’s video is basically telling us to get our affairs in order

KO'ing everyone's 401k the week they started bragging about murdering citizens in the street on camera is the behavior of people who are on actual drugs. Not metaphorically, it's the behavior of people with underlying mental illness on uppers and steroids who are starting to feel cornered.

science has shown that excess testosterone and lack of sex results in what is colloquially known as "podcaster syndrome"

Have you tried eating a chicken tender about it?

If you like cheese enchiladas and getting caught in the rain

tres leches is spanish for bukkake