I'm not funny IRL; I'm just funny adjacent

your underreaction to my overreaction was completely uncalled for and i demand an apology

it's bad bitch o'clock I say turning on my heating pad

You never acknowledged your role in building the distance between us.

I take a prescription antacid so that I can eat pepperjack cheese with horseradish mustard can't stop won't stop damaging my digestive tract

I had to expand my phone's memory from 128 GB to 256 GB keep track of all people and corporations I'm I'm supposed to be boycotting.

I have never clicked yes to "Was this article helpful?"

sympathetic motivation in the form of an excessively large cup of coffee

stitching all my unrealised dreams into a patchwork quilt and calling it my chimera comforter

Sepsis would be a beautiful name for a baby girl.

"Well, this puts me in an awkward position." -me, climbing into your luggage

[lady saying hello to me at 11:55am] Me: good morning…after noon?…I resent you.

Our 85 year old neighbor just told me rapturously of a brand new fruit she'd found at the supermarket that was like a sweet tangerine with no seeds. She was really excited to give me some to try, so I pretended I'd never heard of a clementine.

Dying in office because you insisted on clinging to power until the very end instead of letting a new generation of leaders rise should be seen for the shameful, egomaniacal act that it is.

You belong here @kylebrandtsky.bsky.social

You can be right, or you can be happy or this secret third option…. (alone, right and happy)

Left: How people think Mississippi votes Right: How Mississippi actually votes

*gets earth out of the attic*

bringing grandma’s casserole to a gun fight because maybe all this melted cheese and crispy crumb topping will get everyone to chill out

“AI is here, so we have no choice but to accept it” so are immigrants and trans people, but I guess that’s a skill issue

🚨NEWS🚨 Rep. Massie and I just introduced a bipartisan amendment to strip the pesticide liability shield from the Farm Bill. If a company’s product makes people sick, it should be held accountable. If states and communities want to create stronger protections, they should have every right to do so.

pick up a piece of trash in honor of earth day you piece of trash

My heart is in your hands, please put it back into my chest

instead of distance imma start telling people how much gas it takes to go anywhere

Are we watching the collapse of society on our phones or are our phones watching us, the collapse of society.

saving my posts (asking each of them if they have accepted jesus christ into their hearts)

american healthcare is like "hello this is the hospital unfortunately your check bounced so we're putting the tumor back in"

earth day fact: when you do yard work, the bees report back to the hive about it (talk sh*t)

Ray Ban Meta glasses are like Cybertrucks for your face (derogatory)

Dexter rubbed his butthole down the hallway. Nature is healing.

But have you tried having an infinitely large heart on an infinitesimally small budget?

I’m not a loner, I’m just selectively social.

Passing by billboards on the highway and wondering in which law school course do personal injury lawyers study puns.

Hey all you bullies who hate getting punched in the nose, meet Virginia

I wish I had the confidence of the 5-year-old who just walked up to me in a hospital hallway and said, “Bad news mister, my mother is lost.”

Perfect date idea for two narcissists: House of Mirrors

I’m really proud of myself for giving up booze 13 years ago even though it meant letting go of my dream of becoming the FBI director

99% of my selfies are to determine whether i have anything in my nose or teeth

Sumatran single origin with notes of orange and warming spices to go please.

Dear diary - I’m still replying to bots when will it end.

that awkward moment when you wake up from dreaming about work all night only to have to get up and go to work. like damn man, i just left that place

a 16 year gap in my résumé that just says “If I could turn back time”

just saw someone call Kash Patel “J Edgar Boozer” and need to lie down

I will seduce you through the ancient art of hating what you hate.

we didn’t use washcloths growing up . we had these things called “hands” . ever heard of them ?

press your luck juke box but it’s all Last Christmas

Who you are at a 4 way stop is the real you.

I put the ME in STUPID.

For sale: Catholic pew bench. Hardly used. Patrons mostly standing or kneeling.

I’m telepathic I’m just wrong a lot