As it turns out, touching someone "tenderly" has nothing to do with chicken fingers, and now I'm alone for Valentine's Day again

All I'm saying is that if the Grinch really wanted to make a difference that mfer would've stolen Valentine's Day

Struggling to find a Valentine's Day card that smooths over having stolen their prescription meds during our first date

The problem with AI is that everyone making decisions about it is basically the Queen from Snow White, who's got a Magic Mirror but just wants it to tell her how pretty she is, instead of any single practical thing

It's very funny how AI ads are never like, scientists using AI to scan thousands of ancient documents or some kind of actual plausible good use. It's always a guy being like hey chatGPT how do I make a bowl of cereal do I start with a bowl or the milk or what

*hanging dong on the tl since everyone is watching the Super Bowl

Her Tinder bio said that she was really into Music, so I've made my introductory message a voice note set to the Benny Hill Chase theme

Actual sex in a bathtub usually features way more discussion about how small this particular tub is than they ever show in movies

I cannot physically express how exhausted I am by *gesturing at literally everything*

Rushing in the door, hurriedly changing clothes, to make sure I've left myself plenty of time to do nothing

*extremely youth pastor voice* You know who else would redact all your wrongdoings?

"It's an Old Family Recipe" I say, as I poorly manage my emotional well-being

This is all fucking stupid, I say as somewhat of an authority on being fucking stupid

AI can't make art, because AI can't reread something it's written years later and actually hate itself for having written it

I don’t care what anyone says, revenge is even better if you microwave it for thirty seconds.

I mostly stay employed to help drive my screentime averages down

Guys, weeping with gratitude because of your generosity. this is a fundraiser my best friend and I started to help her sister spend more time with her terminally ill daughter. Please donate if you can we're trying to reach 16k. Thank you so much for sharing too gofund.me/9536bd2ab

Too much sociopolitical commentary from the kinda people that need the instructions on the handwash bottle

the only ai I need in anything is in aioli

*adds helpful housekeeping tips to all your selfies

This is a powerful image

Wake up babe, the horrors continue to persist

Jonathan Ross, the man who murdered Renee Good. Let us never forget his name so that he will never be able to forget what he did. He thought himself a hero, and don't the names of heroes deserve to be remembered?

I am, again, rooting for the meteor

Just saw clickbait that said, “what you need to know about Hilary Duff’s 4 kids” and y’all? Nothing. There’s nothing I need to know about Hilary Duff’s 4 kids.

if you can’t leave x bc of your job, a place where ai is actively taking the clothes off of children, what exactly is your job and how does being on x reflect positively on it

I can't continue to work in these conditions* *Being told the software rollout meeting is mandatory attendance

is it go there, it’s go there isn’t it

Judges hate this one simple trick (horse lawyer)

Asking my doctor if he can prescribe a drug to stop everything in the entire world from turning to absolute shit

a drug that makes me feel the way i feel when i’m with you (cheese)

one mood away from getting a tattoo that says eyebrows on my forehead

Realizing that more people in the world see me as just some guy than as an adorable lovebug

*eating buttered toast* my day won’t get any better than this

i don’t believe it’s legal to ask me to answer emails when our govt is criming

my son asked for a charcuterie board instead of a cake for his birthday and I’m pretty sure I’m the only parent to ever be asked that

Keeping my circle small, because I don't really have the girth for much else

You're in her DMs, I'm chained in her brother-in-law's tower, after being partially reanimated by fell science and dark magicks

Cashier: Did you find everything? Me: What, are you a philosopher? Cashier (tear rolling down cheek): Yes

Many neurotypical people seem to think that being neurodivergent implies incredible abilities in math and science, when it mostly means that if I don't get to take a shower at the correct temperature and with the correct soap that my skin feels incorrect

someone properly used the word zeitgeist and ngl it made me kinda hot

hey panera can we have the lemonade that kills us again

[responds to my story] do you want to kiss

If you got a problem, yo, I'll solvent, check out the gunk, isopropyl dissolves it

they should invent a home office cannon that unapologetically fires one or two pork buns at my face when i forget to eat lunch

The Olivia Nuzzi story and the Bari Weiss at CBS story are the same story, which is that the upper echelons of legacy media are absolutely rife with people who worship power and don't feel burdened by any sense of responsibility to their profession or the public.

I don't have an intellectual objection to Christmas, I want to fistfight Baby Jesus in a Dollar General parking lot

Struggling to find a Christmas card that smooths over stealing someone's prescription meds

*overhead crackling of the loudspeaker* attention costco shoppers: the twelve days of xmas refers to the days from xmas to the epiphany thank you