someone properly used the word zeitgeist and ngl it made me kinda hot

hey panera can we have the lemonade that kills us again

[responds to my story] do you want to kiss

If you got a problem, yo, I'll solvent, check out the gunk, isopropyl dissolves it

they should invent a home office cannon that unapologetically fires one or two pork buns at my face when i forget to eat lunch

The Olivia Nuzzi story and the Bari Weiss at CBS story are the same story, which is that the upper echelons of legacy media are absolutely rife with people who worship power and don't feel burdened by any sense of responsibility to their profession or the public.

I don't have an intellectual objection to Christmas, I want to fistfight Baby Jesus in a Dollar General parking lot

Struggling to find a Christmas card that smooths over stealing someone's prescription meds

*overhead crackling of the loudspeaker* attention costco shoppers: the twelve days of xmas refers to the days from xmas to the epiphany thank you

I’m so glad we put so much financial and political support behind the tech industry so they can come up with amazing new ideas like charging you 23% more for the same groceries

"...well the orphan crusher is so convenient, and it basically runs itself..."

"AI isn't going away...", well neither is Chick-Fil-A. I don't eat there. Take a stand.

Chuck, taking time out from stepping on rakes in the back yard to go step on rakes in the driveway instead

I smoke weed on my porch to let the other weeds know what I’m capable of

Gen Xers told mom jokes to hide the fact that they were hot for your mom.

It's a good night to do nothing

A dick move sounds like it should be a good thing but it's not.

*gives you a fist bump and a star sticker after sex

The Grinch Who Banged All Of Whoville.

the grinch who stole my husband

calligraphy is great, if you want to write a strongly-worded letter to Thomas Jefferson.

if kash patel had a dog, it’d be this guy

Two houses both alike in diggity.

I'm just a girl asking if it's okay to go sleepies at 9pm on a saturday

I’m sorry I got weird but in my defense, I’m weird.

DID OUR PINKY SWEAR MEAN NOTHING TO YOU?!?

the hard part of always being the defacto photographer in every situation is that I have a lot of cool photos of other people that I’ve taken but no cool photos of me taken by other people

mosquitos on the roof while i'm hanging christmas lights: you don't even go here

Mr. Beast, all my friends and I were saying how good at boxing you’d be

You’re in his DMs. I’m scribbling his name in crayon on a white padded wall.

doctor please, my grinch, is cuddly as a cactus

All I want for the holidays is someone to pay all my bills while I travel around collecting and cooking recipes from headstones in graveyards around the country, I am literally so easy to buy for

i hate when only the base of trees have lights wrapped around them don’t lick my nuts and call it a blow job

Public service really comes from all directions.

Mom bod by Christmas cookies.

Hear me out: A flight of Christmas cookies.

White Christmas is my favourite song about a bukkake.

[showing hair stylist an old photo when I was young and more attractive] Make me look like this

boomers be like “autism isn’t real” then are actually illiterate

walks through a car wash just to feel something

my skircle is pics of various meats and cheeses

Why do you say “dog and pony show” like that’s a bad thing?

When people say Bluesky is like 50% “Cheeto bad” posts that’s how I know their dislike of the platform is a skill issue. I have perfectly curated my feed and encounter fewer of these posts than I do on most other social media platforms

2026 resolution: Get Derfed

three wise men... don't see much of that nowadays

Consuming the last of Earth's drinkable water creating a ChatGPT prompt to illustrate the logistics of Donkey and Dragon's physical relationship

A man can't even live in a bus in the woods anymore without being harshly judged as "down on his luck" and possibly "foolhardy"

why is this tiny, lighted box not lulling me back to sleep

All of you are so smart and funny and hot