I don't need to touch grass, I need to be a vengeful forest creature that rises from the soil to drag the venal down to Hell

Me: *hovering in midair, weeping black flames, bellowing in Latin* My Boss, going around the table at our weekly meeting: ...okay, we'll just circle back to you later

DOES *whip* THIS *whip* SPARK *whip* JOY? *whip* -Marie Kondo beating me with the fourth USB-C cable she found in my desk drawer

I was trying to think of a way to describe the straight men who have hit on me throughout my life and basically all I could come up with is it’s the type of guy who would say something like “Actually, it’s SIR Terry Pratchett”

Lost power today, nothing to do with electricity I’m just weak.

I was at the grocery store earlier and the world’s most excited employee hopped on the PA to wish everyone a happy donut day and encouraged everyone to rush up to the front of the store for donuts and when we got there we all discovered the donuts weren’t free. they were just selling donuts

(sees a good point on the timeline) ooooo, yes, i see (reskeets) (sees another good point seemingly in opposition to previous take) hmmm yes, i also concur (reskeets

Maple syrup is amazing because it’s just a socially acceptable way to drench a full plate of food in sugar water. Outstanding work Canada.

I cannot physically express how exhausted I am by *gesturing at literally everything*

Many neurotypical people seem to think that being neurodivergent implies incredible abilities in math and science, when it mostly means that if I don't get to take a shower at the correct temperature and with the correct soap that my skin feels incorrect

I don't have anything funny to say about how fucked up everything is, and that was basically my last coping mechanism, so now I'm just quiet and sad, and disappointed in how we got here, and how people I know cheered the arrival of this terrible now

One of the stupidest things about Late Stage Capitalism in the US, is how we've paved every available inch of paradise to put up parking lots, but now thanks to decades of cost cutting and staff reduction businesses couldn't meet the demands placed on them by their lots being half full

I'm sorry Ms Jackson I am surreal Never meant to make your daughter cry I'm a fish with one gigantic eye

i heard that jizzing on tramp stamps is making a comeback

i am currently hiring for the position of Avenger Of My Murder. if you are interested in that position please send me your resume and a picture of your horse and sword

Using only these subtle clues, see if you can deduce which days were entirely consumed by Teams Meetings...

As it turns out, touching someone "tenderly" has nothing to do with chicken fingers, and now I'm alone for Valentine's Day again

All I'm saying is that if the Grinch really wanted to make a difference that mfer would've stolen Valentine's Day

Struggling to find a Valentine's Day card that smooths over having stolen their prescription meds during our first date

The problem with AI is that everyone making decisions about it is basically the Queen from Snow White, who's got a Magic Mirror but just wants it to tell her how pretty she is, instead of any single practical thing

It's very funny how AI ads are never like, scientists using AI to scan thousands of ancient documents or some kind of actual plausible good use. It's always a guy being like hey chatGPT how do I make a bowl of cereal do I start with a bowl or the milk or what

Her Tinder bio said that she was really into Music, so I've made my introductory message a voice note set to the Benny Hill Chase theme

Actual sex in a bathtub usually features way more discussion about how small this particular tub is than they ever show in movies

Rushing in the door, hurriedly changing clothes, to make sure I've left myself plenty of time to do nothing

*extremely youth pastor voice* You know who else would redact all your wrongdoings?

"It's an Old Family Recipe" I say, as I poorly manage my emotional well-being

This is all fucking stupid, I say as somewhat of an authority on being fucking stupid

AI can't make art, because AI can't reread something it's written years later and actually hate itself for having written it

I don’t care what anyone says, revenge is even better if you microwave it for thirty seconds.

I mostly stay employed to help drive my screentime averages down

Guys, weeping with gratitude because of your generosity. this is a fundraiser my best friend and I started to help her sister spend more time with her terminally ill daughter. Please donate if you can we're trying to reach 16k. Thank you so much for sharing too gofund.me/9536bd2ab

Too much sociopolitical commentary from the kinda people that need the instructions on the handwash bottle

the only ai I need in anything is in aioli

This is a powerful image

Wake up babe, the horrors continue to persist

Jonathan Ross, the man who murdered Renee Good. Let us never forget his name so that he will never be able to forget what he did. He thought himself a hero, and don't the names of heroes deserve to be remembered?

I am, again, rooting for the meteor

Just saw clickbait that said, “what you need to know about Hilary Duff’s 4 kids” and y’all? Nothing. There’s nothing I need to know about Hilary Duff’s 4 kids.

if you can’t leave x bc of your job, a place where ai is actively taking the clothes off of children, what exactly is your job and how does being on x reflect positively on it

I can't continue to work in these conditions* *Being told the software rollout meeting is mandatory attendance

is it go there, it’s go there isn’t it

Judges hate this one simple trick (horse lawyer)

Asking my doctor if he can prescribe a drug to stop everything in the entire world from turning to absolute shit

a drug that makes me feel the way i feel when i’m with you (cheese)

one mood away from getting a tattoo that says eyebrows on my forehead

Realizing that more people in the world see me as just some guy than as an adorable lovebug

*eating buttered toast* my day won’t get any better than this

i don’t believe it’s legal to ask me to answer emails when our govt is criming

my son asked for a charcuterie board instead of a cake for his birthday and I’m pretty sure I’m the only parent to ever be asked that