lol she got his ass and he knows it

warby parker sounds like an asshole kid at a boarding school

Why hope someone you hate steps on a Lego when you can hope they kneel on a Lego?

Awkward. Accidentaly said "you too" to a coworker who said "sorry for your loss", and now I have to kill one of their loved ones to save face.

I actually got some things accomplished today. It's weird.

Everything sucks so here is my dog eating ramen. 🍜

I wasn't feeling myself enough today to make a video but this is part of the haul of the donation drop-off. I'm trying to make each hat different from the last. They went to a woman's shelter. Doing another drop next sat, trying to beat this week's #. Thanks to all who helped me or helped others

every picture of kash patel looks like he has to check his underwear right afterwards

Hey guys this is.. A transphobic account you’re following 🛑 stop

Use the force. Duh

It’s a labubu if it grows from the ceiling, squismallow if it comes from the floor

To be honest, I DO want to yuck your yum

*walking on the beach* Me: *puts shell to ear* Shell: we've been trying to contact you about your cars extended warranty

I'm bringing sexy back, but it's just night sweats.

celebrating the end of another workweek by shifting into my weekend form of a potato as is tradition

To be honest, I DO want to yuck your yum

So old I can't tell a Labubu from a Squishmallow

I don't want to "update my skincare routine", I want to drag wayward sailors beneath the waves

If he doesn’t yell “ay caramba” when he cums is he really that into you

three seasons in and Ted still hasn’t used a lasso wtf

When your worn out colander won't accept the truth 🏆👑 Congratulations @daddyjew.bsky.social from @ghostofelizabeth.bsky.social

White and red wine pairs well with different foods but both pair well with difficult relatives and annoying neighbors.

My online girlfriend and I have been sexting so much she got pregnant, and honestly, I couldn’t be happier.

Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.

the sandwich guy walking away from the court house and suddenly, his limp disappears

I'm bringing sexy back, but it's just my right eye twitching uncontrollably.

[friend] omg youve lost so much weight whats your secret [me] haha thank you groceries cost twice as much now

Them: your days are numbered Me: all days are numbered, it’s called a calendar ya dumbass

not a mute, not a block but some other third thing (we need that other third thing)

grabity is a force that suddenly clutches and pulls objects in by the shirt collar

Before getting involved with someone, ask yourself: Is this a person I can visualize cropping out of pictures one day?

my trust issues began with peekaboo and i never really recovered since

Full shame on the Fitchburg, Massachusetts Police Department for helping an ICE kidnapping.

My kid has been saying "How is he still ALIVE?!" since 2016

Just once, I’d like to admire my naked body in a full length mirror without getting kicked out of Kohl’s.

Dear New Followers: Thank you so much and I'm so sorry. I am perpetually disappointing.

I like you, but the voices don't.

He’s a ten, but he only has like 15 monitors.

And they did it AGAIN! Went out, came home, went upstairs and there was ANOTHER poop on the bathroom floor My cats are bastards 🤬

an app for cats to take selfies

i hope the five new bananas didn't see me throwing out the four old bananas

If you call for an Uber, and Mr. Potato Head is your driver, wouldn't that make it a Tuber?

ACAB includes the sample lady at Costco telling me I've taken enough spinach sausage rolls

Cleaned the bathroom where we keep the cat box, went back upstairs a few hours later, smelled something godawful, and found a turd sitting on the floor next to the box. Tell me this wasn't a huge FU from one of the furballs

Oh, hey. Thought I'd stop by tonight so you know I'm still among the living 😍