i engraved my confession pls respond

oh spirit of mariah carey how are we going to get out of this one

crash out? CRASH OUT? nop no i don't crash out YOU CRASH OUT. YOU ALL CRASH OUT. YOU ALL HAVE CRASHED OUT. omg my bubbly drink i forgot.

they were lethal. poor mud scamp, only a ghost now

cool joke unfortunately for you i'm mad about it

the user base of threads is unfortunately very afraid of how far things would actually go that they’d believe a joke post with a fake tag about antifa was real

“oh i want star trek society” well unfortunately for you and me we wouldn’t live in star trek society we’d live in the terrible war time that nearly collapsed humanity. but our great grand kids might

i sure hope the luxury bones doctor treats my eating utensils well

i spread kony 2012 posters in high school i can’t believe this world isn’t fixed yet i literally did the most i could have done

sorry my fat tits and sloppy hog destroyed the nation :(

i’m downloading autisms you wouldn’t believe

if i was an escalator and that dude wanted to ride me i’d simply become stairs too

i asked the doctor to double my vaccine, i wanted 10g wireless

logging on

oh i’m sorry if i wasn’t supposed to read your body language why was it talking back to me ??

imagine how famous i would be if i finished a single creative project

the rapture didn’t suck me off so here i am and so are you. suckless.

now that i have slightly thicker framed glasses i have a desire to keep increasing the size until it is truly comically large.

i've perceived so many bi's today, what did you do ?

“where’d that bruise come from” and other adhd tales

Sweetheart, it wasn’t me who ate the entire carton of ice cream, but I suspect it was Tylenol.

really? your going to let tylenol take the credit of years of early onset sonic the hedgehog? this is ludicrous

i’m sorry this is the most weak shit i’ve ever seen lmfao someone made a blocklist for people who subscribe to anti-ai blocklists.

just got my flu and covid shot and then just had some tylenol so i’m about to be labeled an enemy of the state

what time do the naked people start floating up to heaven? I don’t want to miss the full moon-er eclipse

the bots on threads can be so funny

me holding a bundle of strings tied to my floating neighbors

these will go great with her new robe

“papa stop making rapture jokes” uh-oh looks like someone’s sense of humor got raptured

they raptured only my wiener :(

now that trump cured autism i guess i have to like star trek a normal amount

tying a string to my partner’s leg like a balloon so they can’t rapture

rsvping no to the team meeting today on account of being raptured

logging on

reporting live from inside the rapture; slimey. it’s so wet and slimey here. help

wow so i guess im not good enough to be raptured huh. good i didnt want to anyways OMG OH WAIT I FEEL SOMETHING HOLD ON THIS IS I——

heavy are the balls that hold the piss

i’m like popeye if instead of spinach it was tylenol but instead of stronger it made me even more neurodivergent

me to my wife .04 seconds after reading a wikipedia page

me using @/everyone on discord

just read a fan wiki on “capitalism”? sounds like a bad dude, chat. i’m worried this arc kinda lwk ahh ngl

i wonder if Tylenol is gonna sue, i hope so. it’d be really funny

superheroes saying their name sounds cool in context but then everyone looks at *me* weird when i stand up during the meeting and say my first and last name while i pose

when i get raptured you can’t have my wife. she won’t come with me because she said “god damn” when she saw my butt so she’s unfortunately not going

i don’t want to work i just want to play blogs with all my friends online #shitposthaiku

calling it intellectualizing is actually very mean because i feel very dumb when i realize im doing it

good morning to my ops only (why am i seeing “blocked account everywhere im going to fucking cry)

that last guy DEFINITELY smelled like a rotten egg

mom can you come pick me up all the other posters are talking about jorkin they benis