logging on

logging off

way back when your gram gram was absolutely super soaked over 4 boys with a bowlcut making rhythmic noises

brain villian says everyone is actually spiteful of you and hates you for perceived slights you aren’t even aware of. brain villian is also easily silenced with bribes in the form of seratonin/dopamine exchange. brain villian is so fucking stupid

little bit of fresca to help me wash down the wad of gummy bears i lodged in my throat during my time of strife

ah yes i see the eternal suffering of generations machine has been running at peak efficiency lately

Not in the habit of posting anything from X But a post from 18 months ago by an actual ghoul

Is it British Heritage Day?

ah beans. pond water day at dunkin’s

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i can’t stop writing in his voice. send help

The Hatman is Real and he owes me a Rematch.

You can never trust what you have been told. I use every single sense available to me when I drink a glass of OJ. That label says added calcium, but my five finley tuned senses detect there’s a complete lack of calcium. Why are they trying to weaken my bones?

UK comedian jonathan ross right now

“If she just stayed at home she wouldn’t have gotten hurt” that’s a police state. You’re describing a police state.

oh me? i’m the vibe auditor. i take the words you said and the intent behind your meaning and i disregard them to say “yes but his vibes are off” and i give no reason other than you can’t argue with a feeling

cope with the horrors on your own terms but i’m gonna talk about piss and fart even when i’m waiting for my turn to be gruesomely mangled by the machine

being in a corporate meeting where everyone has sectioned off the part of their brain that knows what’s happening in the world feels like trying to sell fireworks while the store is on fire and looking confused when someone addresses the flames

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fed posting all by yourself handsome?

a lot of you are about to reenact this meme i stg lol.

38 minutes ago because this was definitely a generic scheduled post. a woman was murdered by ICE and chuck looks like a parody. i stg the dems hire the laziest social media teams possible. don’t get me started on their fear of doing it right too btw.

being on bluesky has its own unique problems but at least i don’t have to worry about brands (as often)

you know what? i’m just gonna say it it’s wednesday

someone tell him we don’t have buy greenland money. we have greenland at home that’s just as good (alaska)

i unc, therefore i chopped

no i will not be acknowledging stephen miller. he does not exist and therefore cannot steal my teeth

i have been doing a run through of zelda twilight princess and the jumpscare i had seeing the ooccoo again was insane. i completely forgot about this 8 tittied bird that warps you out of dungeons

roses are red don’t you look dapper

using goku’s kaio-ken times 10 but i’m just bringing groceries inside in one trip

i apparently come from a reality where michael rapaport died in the 2000s because what do you mean he is alive and wont shut the fuck up

logging on

roses are red don’t you look dapper

don’t bother me right now, i’m talking heads pilled and david byrne maxxing

I see you, @cult-papa.com . This is exactly what a cult would say.

adding this to my pile of reasons to exile tim allen to the shadow realm

one of the comments on the @didhedieyet.bsky.social IG account clearly meant to say "biden" but this is so much funnier SHITTER WON'T QUIT

why are you as a leftist taking right turns

Insane seeing my name alongside the likes of much funnier people than me. if you are a comedian and want to rule your own island i definitely reccomend kevin's podcast! best 90 minutes destroying a fictional nation of my long and eternal life!

Hey Bluesky Can you suggest comedians, actors anyone in entertainment I've a podcast @tyrantpodcast.bsky.social Guests chat about how they'd be a ruler of their own island Past guests @soozuk.bsky.social @colinmochrie.bsky.social @cult-papa.com + 100 more Time to look for new guests!

my balls said i cant have a pastry :((

ME: (doing standup) what's the deal with airplane food AUDIENCE: *crickets* [later] GRASSHOPPER: how was the show CRICKET: oh man that guy was hilarious

hey bro. Killer Piss Indicators, bro.

america may have bombed another country but these KPI's aren't going to piss themselves or whatever the P stands for

how about you circle back to deeznuts—whats that? hr wants to talk? TALK TO DEEZN—sorry, no. no don't fire me i'll just mute my mic. sorry.

2 years ago for christmas i got some model cars to build and paint because 3 years ago i thought i had a new hobby. i should probably get started on that hobby next year

kind of forgot about being employed. bummer.